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Com^Oie Ibumainc

THE EXPEDITION" OF

HUMPHRY
CLINKER

'^^^A^

TOBIAS GEORGE SMOLLETT

Comebie Ibumaine

Masterpieces of the great
English novelists in which
are portrayed the varying
aspects of English life from
the time of Addison to the
present day: a series anal-
ogous to that in which
Balzac depicted the man-
ners and morals of his
French contemporaries.

THE EXPEDITION

HUMPHRY CLINKER

THE EXPEDITION

HUMPHRY CLINKER

To Mr. Henry Davis^ Bookseller in London.

RESPECTED SIR, — I have received your esteemed fa-
vour of the thirteenth ultimo, v^hereby it appeareth,
that you have perused those same letters, the which were de-
livered unto you by my friend the Reverend Mr. Hugo Bhen;
and 1 am pleased to find you think they may be printed with
a good prospect of success; inasmuch as the objections you
mention, I humbly conceive, are such as may be redargued,
if not entirely removed. — And, first, in the first place, as
touching what prosecutions may arise from printing the pri-
vate correspondence of persons still living, give me leave,
with all due submission, to observe, that the letters in ques-
tion were not written and sent under the seal of secrecy ; that
they have no tendency to the mala fama or prejudice of any
person whatsoever; but rather to the information and edifi-
cation of mankind. So that it becometh a sort of duty to
promulgate them in iisuni publicum. Besides, I have con-
sulted Mr. Davy Higgins, an eminent attorney of this place,
who, after due inspection and consideration, declareth, that
he doth not think the said letters contain any matter which
will be held actionable in the eye of the law. Finally, if you
and I should come to a right understanding, I do declare in
verbo sacerdotis, that, in case of any such prosecution, I will
take the whole upon my own shoulders, even quoad fine and
imprisonment, though I must confess I should not care to
undergo flagellation. Tarn ad turpitudincm, quain ad amari-
tudinem poena: spectons. — Secondly, concerning the personal
resentment of Mr. Jj stice Lismahago, I may say non flocci

THE EXPEDITION OF

facto — I would not willingly vilipend any Christian, if per-
adventure he deserveth that epithet. Albeit I am much sur-
prised that more care is not taken to exclude from the
commission all such vagrant foreigners as may be justly sus-
pected of disaffection to our happy constitution in Church
and State. — God forbid that I should be so uncharitable, as to
affirm positively that the said Lismahago is no better than a
Jesuit in disguise; but this I will assert and maintain totis
virihus, that from the day he qualified, he has never been
once seen intra tem-pli parieteSj that is to say, within the
parish church.

Thirdly, with respect to what passed at Mr. Kendal's table,
when the said Lismahago was so brutal in his reprehensions,
I must inform you, my good sir, that I was obliged to retire,
not by fear arising from his minatory reproaches, which, as
I said above, I value not a rush ; but from the sudden effect
produced by a barbel's row, which I had eaten at dinner, not
knowing that the said row is at certain seasons violently
cathartic, as Galen observeth in his chapter -nepl IxOvg.

Fourthly, and lastl>, with reference to the manner in which
I got possession of the letters, it is a circumstance which con-
cerns my own conscience only. Sufficeth it to say, I have
fully satisfied the parties in whose custody they were; and,
by this time, I hope I have also satisfied you in such ways,
that the last hand may be put to our agreement, and the work
proceed with all convenient expedition. In which hope I
rest, respected sir, your very humble servant,

Abergavenny, Aug. 4. Jonathan Dustwich.

PS. — I propose, Deo volente, to have the pleasure of see-
ing you in the great city, towards All-hallowtide, when I
shall be glad to treat with you concerning a parcel of MS.
sermons of a certain clergyman deceased ; a cake of the right
leaven for the present taste of the public. Verhurn sapienti,
etc. J. D.

To the Reverend Mr. Jonathan Dustwich, at

Sir, — I received yours in course of post, and shall be glad
to treat with you for the MS. which I have delivered to your
friend Mr. Bhen ; but can by no means . omply with the terms

HUMPHRY CLINKER

proposed. Those things arc so uncertain — Writing is all a
lottery — I have been a loser by the works of the greatest men
of the age — I could mention particulars, and name names;
but don't choose it — The taste of the town is so changeable.
Then there have been so many letters upon travels lately pub-
lished— What between Smollett's, Sharp's, Derrick's, Thick-
ness's, Baltimore's, and Baretti's, together with Shandy's
Sentimental Travels, the public seems to be cloyed with
that kind of entertainment — Nevertheless, I will, if you
please, run the risk of printing and publishing, and you shall
have half the profits of the impression. — You need not take
the trouble to bring up your sermons on my account — No-
body reads sermons but Methodists and Dissenters — Besides,
for my own part, I am quite a stranger to that sort of read-
ing; and the two persons, whose judgment I depended upon
in these matters are out of the way ; one is gone abroad, car-
penter of a man-of-war; and the other has been silly enough
to abscond, in order to avoid a prosecution for blasphemy —
I'm a great loser by his going off — He has left a manual of
devotion half finished on my hands, after having received
money for the whole copy — He was the soundest divine, and
had the most orthodox pen of all my people, and I never
knew his judgment fail, but in flying from his bread and
butter on this occasion.

By owning you was not put in bodily fear by Lismahago,
you preclude yourself from the benefit of a good plea, over
and above the advantage of binding him over. In the late
war, I inserted in my evening paper, a paragraph that came
by the post, reflecting upon the behaviour of a certain regi-
ment in battle. An officer of said regiment came to my shop,
and, in the presence of my wife and journeyman, threatened
to cut off my ears — As I exhibited marks of bodily fear more
ways than one, to the conviction of the bystanders, I bound
him over ; my action lay, and I recovered. As for flagellation,
you have nothing to fear, and nothing to hope on that head —
There has been but one printer flogged at the cart-tail these
thirty years, that was Charles Watson ; and he assured me it

was no more than a flea-bite. C S has been

threatened several times by the House of L ; but it

came to nothing. If an information should be moved for,

THE EXPEDITION OF

and granted against you, as the editor of these letters, I hope
you will have honesty and wit enough to appear and take
your trial — If you should be sentenced to the pillory, your
fortune is made — As times go, that's a sure step to honour
and preferment. I shall think myself happy if I can lend
you a lift ; and am very sincerely, Yours,

London, Aug. lo. Henry Davis.

Please my kind service to your neighbour, my cousin
Madoc. — I have sent an almanack and court calendar, di-
rected for him at Mr. Sutton's, bookseller in Gloucester, car-
riage paid, which he will please to accept as a small token
of my regard. My wife, who is very fond of toasted cheese.,
presents her compliments to him, and begs to know if there's
any of that kind which he was so good as to send us last
Christmas, to be sold in London. H. D.

To Dr. Lewis.

The pills are good for nothing — I might as well swallow
snow-balls to cool my reins — I have told you over and over,
how hard I am to move ; and, at this time of day, I ought to
know something of my own constitution. Why will you be
so positive? Prithee send me another prescription — I am as
lame, and as much tortured in all my limbs, as if I was broke
upon the wheel. Indeed, I am equally distressed in mind and
body — As if I had not plagues enough of my own, those
children of my sister are left me for a perpetual source of
vexation — What business have people to get children to
plague their neighbours? A ridiculous incident that hap-
pened yesterday to my niece Liddy, has disordered me in
such a manner, that I expect to be laid up with another fit
of the gout — Perhaps I may explain myself in my next. I
shall set out to-morrow morning for the Hot Well at Bristol,
where I am afraid I shall stay longer than I could wish. On
the receipt of this, send Williams thither with a saddle-horse
and the dcmi-piquc. Tell Barns to thrash out the two old
ricks, and send the corn to market, and sell it off to the poor
at a shillinc^- a bushel under market price. — I have received a
snivelling letter from Griffin, offering lO make a public sub-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

mission, and pay costs. I want none of his submissions;
neither will I pocket any of his money — The fellow is a bad
neighbour, and I desire to have nothing to do with him.
But as he is purse-proud, he shall pay for his insolence. Let
him give five pounds to the poor of the parish, and I'll with-
draw my action; and in the meantime you may tell Prig to
stop proceedings. — Let Morgan's widow have the Alderney
cow, and forty shillings to clothe her children. But don't
say a syllable of the matter to any living soul — I'll make her
pay when she is able. I desire you will lock up all my
drawers, and keep the keys till meeting ; and be sure you take
the iron chest with my papers into your own custody — For-
give all this trouble from.

Dear Lewis, your affectionate
Gloucester, April 2. M. Bramble.

7o Mrs. Gwyllim, Housekeeper at Bramhleton Hall.

Mrs. Gwyllim, — When this cums to hand, be sure to pack
up in the trunk male that stands in my closet, to be sent me
in the Bristol waggon, without loss of time, the following
articles, viz. my rose-collard neglejay, with green robins, my
yellow damask, and my black velvet suit, with the short hoop ;
my bloo quilted petticoat, my green manteel, my laced apron,
my French commode, Macklin head and lappets, and the litel
box with my jowls. Williams may bring over my bum-
daft'ee, and the viol with the casings of Dr. Hill's dock-water,
and Chowder's lacksitifT. The poor creature has been terri-
bly constuperated ever since we left huom. Pray take par-
ticular care of the house while the family is absent. Let there
be a fire constantly kept in my brother's chamber and mine.
The maids, having nothing to do, may be sat a spinning. I
desire you'll clap a pad-luck on the windseller, and let none
of the men have excess to the strong bear — don't forget to
have the gate shit every evening before dark. — The gardnir
and hind may lie below in the landry, to partake the house,
with the blunderbuss and the great dog; and I hope you'll
have a watchful eye over the maids. I know that hussey
Mary Jones loves to be rumping with the men. Let me know
if Aldemey's calf be sould yet, and what he fought — if the

THE EXPEDITION OF

oiild goose be sitting; and if the cobler has cut Dickey, and
how the poor anemil bore the operation. — No more at pres-
ent, l)ut rests. Yours,

Glostar, April 2. Tabitha Bramble.

To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Bramhleton Hatl.

Dear Molly, — Heaving this importunity, I send my love
to you and Saul, being in good health, and hoping to heer the
same from you; and that you and Saul will take my poor
kitten to bed with you this cold weather. We have been all
in a sad taking here at Glostar — Miss Liddy had like to have
run away with a player-man, and young master and he would
adone themselves a mischief; but the squiie applied to the
mare, 'and they were bound over. — Mistress bid me not speak
a word of the matter to any Christian soul — no more I shall ;
for, we servints should see all, and say nothing. — But, what
v/as worse than all this. Chowder has had the misfortune to
be worried by a butcher's dog, and came home in a terrible
pickle — Mistriss was taken with the asterisks, but they soon
went off. The doctor was sent for to Chowder, and he sub-
scribed a repository, which did him great service — thank
God, he's now in a fair way to do well — pray take care of my
box and the pillyber, and put them under your own bed ; for,
I do suppose. Madam Gwyllim will be a prying into my
secrets, now my back is turned. John Thomas is in good
health, but sulky. The squire gave away an ould coat to a
poor man ; and John says as how 'tis robbing him of his par-
quisites. — I told him, by his agreement, he was to receive no
vails ; but he says as how there's a difference betwixt vails
and parquisites ; and so there is for sartin. We are all going
to the Hot Well, where I shall drink your health in a glass of
water, being, dear Molly, your humble servant to command,

Gloiistar, April 2. W. Jenkins.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus Coll., Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — As I have nothing more at heart than to
convince you I am incapable of forgetting or neglecting the
friendship 1 made at college, I now begin that correspondence
by letters, which you and I agreed at parting to cultivate. I

HUMPHRY CLINKER

begin it sooner than I intended, that you may have it in your
power to refute any idle reports which may be circulated to
my prejudice at Oxford, touching a foolish quarrel, in which
I have been involved on account of my sister, who had been
some time settled here in a boarding-school. — When I came
hither with my uncle and aunt, who are our guardians, to
fetch her away, I found her a fine tall girl of seventeen, with
an agreeable person ; but remarkably simple, and quite igno-
rant of the world. This disposition, and want of experience,
had exposed her to the addresses of a person — I know not
what to call him, who had seen her at a play ; and, with a con-
fidence and dexterity pecuHar to himself, found means to be
recomimended to her acquaintance. It was by the greatest
accident I intercepted one of his letters. As it was my duty
to stifle this correspondence in its birth, I made it my business
to find him out, and tell him very freely my sentiments of
the matter. The spark did not like the style I used, and be-
haved with abundance of mettle. Though his rank in life,
which, by the bye, I am ashamed to declare, did not entitle
him to much deference, yet, as his behaviour was remarkably
spirited, I admitted him to the privilege of a gentleman, and
something might have happened, had not we been prevented.
In short, the business took air, I know not how, and made
abundance of noise — recourse was had to justice — I was
obliged to give my word and honour, etc., and to-morrow
morning we set out for Bristol Wells, where I expect to hear
from you by the return of the post.

I have got into a family of originals, whom I may one day
attempt to describe for your amusement. My aunt, Mrs.
Tabitha Bramble, is a maiden of forty-five, exceeding
starched, vain, and ridiculous. My uncle is an odd kind of
humourist, always on the fret, and so unpleasant in his man-
ner, that, rather than be obliged to keep him company, I'd
resign all claim to the inheritance of his estate. Indeed, his
being tortured by the gout may have soured his temper, and,
perhaps, I may like him better on farther acquaintance. Cer-
tain it is, all his servants and neighbours in the country are
fond of him even to a degree of enthusiasm, the reason of
which I cannot as yet comprehend. Remember me to Grifify
Price, Gwyn, Mansel, Basset, and all the rest of my old Cam-

THE EXPEDITION OF

brian companions. Salute the bed-maker in my name — give
my service to the cook, and pray take care of poor Ponto, for
the sake of his old master, who is, and ever will be, dear
Phillips, your affectionate friend, and humble servant,
Gloucester, April 2. Jer. Melford.

To Mrs. Jermyn, at her House in Gloucester.

Dear Madam, — Having no mother of my own, I hope you
will give me leave to disburden my poor heart to you, who
have always acted the part of a kind parent to me, ever since
I was put under your care. Indeed, and indeed, my worthy
governess may believe me, v/hen I assure her, that I never
harboured a thought that was otherwise than virtuous ; and,
if God will give me grace, I shall never behave so as to cast
a reflection on the care you have taken in my education. I
confess I have given just cause of offence, by my want of
prudence and experience. I ought not to have listened to
what the young man said ; and it w^as my duty to have told
you all that passed, but I was ashamed to mention it; and
then he behaved so modest and respectful, and seemed to be
so melancholy and timorous, that I could not find it in my
heart to do anything that should make him miserable and
desperate. As for familiarities, I do declare, I never once al-
lowed him the favour of a salute; and as to the few letters
that passed between us, they are all in my uncle's li^nds, and
I hope they contain nothing contrary to innocence and hon-
our. I am still persuaded that he is not what he appears to
be; but time will discover — meanwhile, I will endeavour to
forget a connexion, which is so displeasing to my family. I
have cried without ceasing, and have not tasted anything but
tea, since I was hurried av»^ay from you : nor did I once close
my eyes for three nights running. ]\Iy aunt continues to
chide me severely, when we are by ourselves ; but I hope to
soften her in time, by humility and submission. My uncle,
who was so dreadfully passionate in the beginning, has been
moved by my tears and distress, and is now all tenderness
and compassion ; and my brother is reconciled to me, on my
promise to break off all correspondence with that unfortunate
youth. But, notwithstanding all their indulgence, I shall

HUMPHRY CLINKER

have no peace of mind till I know my dear and ever honoured
governess has forgiven her poor, disconsolate, forlorn, affec-
tionate humble serv^ant, till death,

Clifton, April 6. Lydia Melford.

To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester.

My Dearest Letty, — I am in such a fright, lest this
should not come safe to hand by the conveyance of Jarvis the
carrier, that I beg you will write me, on the receipt of it,
directing to me, under cover, to Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, my
aunt's maid, who is a good girl, and has been so kind to me
in my affliction, that I have made her my confidant; as for
Jarvis, he was ver>- shy of taking charge of my letter and the
little parcel, because his sister Sally had like to have lost
her place on my account. Indeed, I cannot blame the man
for his caution; but I have made it worth his while. My
dear companion and bedfellow, it is a grievous addition to my
other misfortunes, that I am deprived of your agreeable com-
pany and conversation, at a time when I need so much the
comfort of your good humour and good sense; but, I hope,
the friendship we contracted at the boarding-school will last
for life — I doubt not but, on my side, it will daily increase
and improve, as I gain experience, and learn to know the
value of a trae friend.

O, my dear Letty 1 what shall I say about poor Mr. Wil-
son? I have promised to break oft all correspondence, and,
if possible, to forget him ; but, alas I I begin to f>erceive that
it will not be in my power. As it is by no means proper that
the picture should remain in my hands, lest it should be the
occasion of more mischief, I have sent it to you by this op-
portunity, begging you wiU either keep it safe till better times,
or return it to Mr. Wilson himself, who, I suppose, will make
it his business to see you at the usual place. If he should be
low-spirited at my sending back his picture, you may tell him
I have no occasion for a picture, while the original continues

engraved on my . But, no; I would not have you tell

him that neither ; because there must be an end of my corre-
spondence— I wish he may forget me, for the sake of his o\\*n
peace ; and yet, if he should, he must be a barbarous .

THE EXPEDITION OF

But, 'tis impossible — poor Wilson cannot be false and incon-
stant. I beseech him not to write to me, nor attempt to see
me for some time; for, considering the resentment and pas-
sionate temper of my brother Jerry, such an attempt might
be attended with consequences which would make us all mis-
erable for life — let us trust to time and the chapter of acci-
dents ; or rather to that Providence which will not fail, sooner
or later, to reward those that walk in the paths of honour
and virtue. — I would offer my love to the young ladies, but
it is not fit that any of them should know that you have re-
ceived this letter. If we go to Bath, I shall send you my
simple remarks upon that famous centre of polite amusement,
and every other place we may chance to visit; and I flatter
myself that my dear Miss Willis will be punctual in answer-
ing the letters of her affectionate Lydia Melford.
Clifton, April 6.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Lewis, — I have followed your directions with some
success, and might have been upon my legs by this time, had
the weather permitted me to use my saddle-horse. I rode
out upon the Downs last Tuesday, in the forenoon, when the
sky, as far as the visible horizon, was without a cloud ; but,
before I had gone a full mile, I was overtaken instantaneous-
ly by a storm of rain, that wet me to the skin in three minutes
— whence it came the devil knows; but it has laid me up (I
suppose) for one fortnight. It makes me sick to hear people
talk of the fine air upon Clifton Downs. How can the air
be either agreeable or salutary, where the demon of vapours
descends in a perpetual drizzle?

My confinement is the more intolerable, as I am surrounded
with domestic vexations. ]\Iy niece has had a dangerous fit
of illness, occasioned by that cursed incident at Gloucester,
which I mentioned in my last. She is a poor good-natured
simpleton, as soft as butter, and as easily melted— not that
she's a fool — the girl's parts are not despicable, and her edu-
cation has not been neglected ; that is to say, she can write
and spell, and speak French, and play upon the harpsichord;
then she dances finely, has a good figure, and is very well in-

,12

HUMPHRY CLINKER

clined ; but she's deficient in spirit, and so susceptible — and
so tender forsooth ! — truly, she has got a languishing eye, and
reads romances. Then there's her brother, Squire Jerry, a
pert jackanapes, full of college petulance and self-conceit;
proud as a German count, and as hot and hasty as a Welsh
mountaineer. As for that fantastical animal my sister Tabby,
you are no stranger to her qualifications. I vow to God, she
is sometimes so intolerable, that I almost think she's the devil
incarnate, come to torment me for my sins ; and yet 1 am con-
scious of no sins that ought to entail such family plagues
upon me — why the devil should not I shake off these torments
at once ? I an't married to Tabby, thank Heaven ! nor did I
beget the other two. Let them choose another guardian ; for
my part, I an't in a condition to take care of myself, much
less to superintend the conduct of giddy-headed boys and
girls.

You earnestly desire to know the particulars of our ad-
venture at Gloucester, which are briefly these, and I hope
they will go no farther : — Liddy had been so long cooped up
in a boarding-school, which, next to a nunnery, is the worst
kind of seminary that ever was contrived for young women,
that she became as inflammable as touchwood ; and going to a
play in holiday-time — 'sdeath, I'm ashamed to tell you ! she
fell in love with one of the actors — a handsome young fellow,
that goes by the name of Wilson. The rascal soon perceived
the impression he had made, and managed matters so as to
see her at a house where she went to drink tea with her gov-
erness. This was the beginning of a correspondence, which
they kept up by means of a jade of a milliner, who made and
dressed caps for the girls at the boarding-school. When we
arrived at Gloucester, Liddy came to stay at lodgings with
her aunt, and Wilson bribed the maid to deliver a letter into
her own hands; but it seems Jerry had already acquired so
much credit with the maid (by what means he best knows),
that she carried the letter to him, and so the whole plot was
discovered. The rash boy, without saying a word of the mat-
ter to me, went immediately in search of Wilson ; and, I sup-
pose, treated him with insolence enough. The theatrical hero
was too far gone in romance to brook such usage. He replied

THE EXPEDITION OF

in blank verse, and a formal challenge ensued. They agr^d
to meet early next morning, and to decide the dispute with
sword and pistol.

I heard nothing at all of the affair, till Mr. Morley came
to my bedside in the morning, and told me he was afraid my
nephew was going to fight, as he had been overheard talking
very loud and vehement with Wilson, at the young man's
lodgings the night before, and afterwards went and bought
powder and ball at a shop in the neighbourhood. I got up
immediately, and, upon inquiry, found he was just gone out.
I begged Morley to knock up the mayor, that he might in-
terpose as a magistrate ; and, in the meantime, I hobbled after
the squire, whom I saw at a distance, walking at a great pace
towards the city gate. In spite of all my efforts, I could not
come up till our two combatants had taken their ground, and
were priming their pistols. An old house luckily screened
me from their view ; so that I rushed upon them at once be-
fore I was perceived. They were both confounded, and at-
tempted to make their escape different ways ; but Morley
coming up with constables at that instant, took Wilson into
custody, and Jerry followed him quietly to the mayor's house.

All this time I was ignorant of what had passed the pre-
ceding day ; and neither of the parties would discover a tittle
of the matter. The mayor observed, that it was great pre-
sumption in Wilson, who was a stroller, to proceed to such
extremities with a gentleman of family and fortune; and
threatened to commit him on the Vagrant Act. The young
fellow bustled up with great spirit, declaring he was a gen-
tleman, and would be treated as such ; but he refused to
explain himself farther. The master of the company being
sent for, and examined touching the said Wilson, said the
young man had engaged with him at Birmingham about six
months ac:o, but never would take his salary ; that he behaved
so well in his private character, as to acquire the respect and
good-will of all his acquaintance; and that the public owned
his merit as an actor was altor:cther extraordinary. After
all, I fancy he will turn out to be a runaway 'prentice from
London. The manager offered to bail him for any sum, pro-
vided he would give his word and honour that he would keep
the peace; but the young gentleman was on his high ropes,

HUMPHRY CLINKER

and would by no means lay himself under any restrictions.
On the other hand, Hopeful was equally obstinate; till at
length the mayor declared, that, if they both refused to be
bound over, he would immediately commit Wilson, as a
vagrant, to hard labour. I own I was much pleased with
Jerry's behaviour on this occasion. He said, that, rather than
Mr. Wilson should be treated in such an ignominious man-
ner, he would give his word and honour to prosecute the
affair no farther while they remained at Gloucester. Wilson
thanked him for his generous manner of proceeding, and
was discharged.

On our return to our lodgings, my nephew explained the
whole mystery ; and I own I was exceedingly incensed. Lid-
dy being questioned on the subject, and very severely re-
proached b}' that wild cat my sister Tabby, first swooned
away, then dissolving into a flood of tears, confessed all the
particulars of the correspondence; at the same time giving
up three letters, which were all she had received from her
admirer. The last, which Jerry intercepted, I send you en-
closed; and when you have read it, I dare say you won't
wonder at the progress the writer had made in the heart of
a simple girl utterly unacquainted with the characters of man-
kind. Thinking it was high time to remove her from such a
dangerous connexion, I carried her off the very next day to
Bristol ; but the poor creature was so frightened and fluttered
by our threats and expostulations, that she fell sick the fourth
day after our arrival at Clifton, and continued so ill for a
whole week, that her life was despaired of. It was not till
yesterday that Dr. Rigge declared her out of danger. You
cannot imagine what I have suffered, partly from the indis-
cretion of this poor child, but much more from the fear of
losing her entirely.

This air is intolerably cold, and the place quite solitary.
I never go down to the well without returning low-spirited ;
for there I meet with half a dozen poor emaciated creatures,
with ghostly looks, in the last stage of a consumption, who
have made shift to linger through the winter like so many
exotic plants languishing in a hothouse ; but in all appearance
will drop into their graves before the sun has warmth enough
to mitigate the rigour of this ungenial spring. If you think

THE EXPEDITION OF

the Bath water will be of any service to me, I will go thither
as soon as my niece can bear the motion of the coach. Tell
Barns I am obliged to him for his advice, but don't choose to
follow it. If Davies voluntarily offers to give up the farm,
the other shall have it; but I will not begin at this time of
day to distress my tenants because they are unfortunate, and
cannot make regular payments. I wonder that Barns should
think me capable of such oppression. As for Higgins, the
fellow is a notorious poacher, to be sure; and an impudent
rascal to set his snares in my own paddock; but I suppose
he thought he had some right, especially in my absence, to
partake of what nature seems to have intended for common
use. You may threaten him in my name as much as you
please; and if he repeats the offence, let me know it before
you have recourse to justice. I know you are a great sports-
man, and oblige many of your friends. I need not tell you
to make use of my grounds ; but it may be necessary to hint,
that I'm more afraid of my fowling-piece than of my game.
When you can spare two or three brace of partridges, send
them over by the stage-coach ; and tell Gwyllim that she for-
got to pack up my flannels and wide shoes in the trunk-mail.
I .shall trouble you as usual, from time to time, till at last, I
suppose, you will be tired of corresponding with your assured
friend, M. Bramble.

Clifton, April 17.

To Miss Lydia Melford.

Miss Willis has pronounced my doom — you are going
away, dear Miss Melford — you are going to be removed I
know not whither! what shall I do? which way shall I turn
for consolation ? I know not what I say — all night long have
I been tossed in a sea of doubts and fears, uncertainty and
distraction, without being able to connect my thoughts, much
less to form any consistent plan of conduct — I was even
tempted to wish that I had ne^^er seen you ; or that you had
been less amiable, or less compassionate to your poor Wilson ;
and yet it would be detestable ingratitude in me to form such
a wish, considering how much I am indebted to your good-
ness, and the ineffable pleasure I have derived from your in-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

diligence and approbation. Good God ! I never heard your
name mentioned without emotion ! the most distant prospect
of being admitted to your company filled my whole soul with
a kind of pleasing alarm ! as the time approached my heart
beat with redoubled force, and every nerve thrilled with a
transport of expectation ; but when I found myself actually
in your presence — when I heard you speak — when I saw you
smile — when I beheld your charming eyes turned favourably
upon me, my breast was filled with such tumults of delight
as wholly deprived me of the power of utterance, and wrapt
me in a delirium of joy! Encouraged by your sweetness of
temper and affability, I ventured to describe the feelings of
my heart — even then you did not check my presumption — you
pitied my suflferings, and gave me leave to hope ; — you put a
favourable, perhaps too favourable a construction, on my ap-
pearance.

Certain it is, I am no player in love — I speak the language
of my own heart, and have no prompter but nature. Yet
there is something in this heart which I have not yet dis-
closed— I flatter myself — but I will not, I must not proceed.
Dear Miss Liddy! for Heaven's sake contrive, if possible,
some means of letting me speak to you before you leave
Gloucester, otherwise I know not what will — But I beoin to
rave again — I will endeavour to bear this trial with fortitude
— while I am capable of reflecting upon your tenderness and
truth, I surely have no cause to despair — yet I am strangely
affected. The sun seems to deny me light — a cloud hangs
over me, and there is a dreadful weight upon my spirits !
While you stay in this place I shall continually hover about
your lodgings, as the parted soul is said to linger about the
grave where its mortal consort lies. I know if it is in your
power you will task your humanity — your compassion — shall
I add, your affection ? in order to assuage the almost intoler-
able disquiet that torments the heart of your afiflicted

Gloucester, March 31. Wilson.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — I give Mansel credit for his invention in
propagating the report, that I had a quarrel with a mounte-

THE EXPEDITION OF

bank's Merry Andrew at Gloucester. But I have too much
respect for every appendage of wit to quarrel even with the
lowest buffoonery; and therefore I hope Mansel and I shall
always be good friends. I cannot, however, approve of his
drowning my poor dog Ponto, on purpose to convert Ovid's
pleonasm into a punning epitaph — deerant quoque litfora
Ponto. For, that he threw him into the Isis, when it was so
hip-h and impetuous, with no other view than to kill the fleas,
is an excuse that will not hold water. But I leave poor Ponto
to his fate, and hope Providence will take care to accommo-
date Mansel with a drier death.

As there is nothing that can be called company at the well,
I am here in a state of absolute rustication. This, however,
gives me leisure to observe the singularities in my uncle's
character, which seems to have interested your curiosity.
The truth is, his disposition and mine, which, like oil and
vinegar, repelled one another at first, have now begun to mix,
by dint of being beat up together. I was once apt to believe
him a complete Cynic, and that nothing but the necessity
of his occasions could compel him to get within the pale of
society. I am njw of another opinion ; I think his peevish-
ness arises partly from bodily pain, and partly from a natural
excess of mental sensibility ; for, I suppose, the mind as well
as the body, is, in some cases, endowed with a morbid excess
of sensation.

As 1 have something else to say, I shall now give you a
little respite, and trouble you again by the very first post.
I wish you would take it in your head to retaliate these double
strokes upon yours always, J. Melford.

Hot Well, April i8.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus College, O.von.

Dear Knight, — I now sit down to execute the threat in
the tail of my last. The truth is, I am big with the secret, and
long to be delivered. It relates to my guardian, who, you
know, is at present our principal object in view.

T'other day, I thought I had detected him in such a state
of frailty, as would but ill liecomc his years and character.
There is a decent sort of a woman, not disagreeable in her

HUMPHRY CLINKER

person, that comes to the well, with a poor emaciated child,
far gone in a consumption. I had caught my uncle's eyes
several times directed to this person, with a very suspicious
expression in them; and every time he saw himself observed,
he hastily withdrew them, with evident marks of confusion.
1 resolved to watch him more narrowly, and saw him speak-
ing to her privately in a corner of the walk. At length, going
down to the well one day, I met her half-way up the hill to
Clifton, and could not help suspecting she was going to our
lodgings by appointment, as it was about one o'clock, the
hour when my sister and I are generally at the pump-room.
This notion exciting my curiosity, I returned by a back way,
and got unperceived into my own chamber, which is con-
tiguous to my uncle's apartment. Sure enough, the woman
was introduced, but not into his bed-chamber. He gave her
audience in a parlour; so that I was obliged to shift my sta-
tion to another room, where, however, there was a small
chink in the partition, through which I could perceive what
passed. My uncle, though a little lame, rose up when she
came in, and, setting a chair for her, desired she would sit
down ; then he asked if she would take a dish of chocolate,
which she declined, with much acknowledgment.

After a shoit pause, he said, in a croaking tone of voice,
which confounded me not a little, " Madam, I am truly con-
cerned for your misfortunes, and if this trifle can be of any
service to you, I beg you will accept it without ceremony."
So saying, he put a bit of paper into her hand, which she
opening with great trepidation, exclaimed in an ecstasy,
" Twenty pounds ! Oh, sir ! " and, sinking down on a settee,
fainted away. Frightened at this fit, and, I suppose, afraid
of calling for assistance, lest her situation should give rise to
unfavourable conjectures, he ran about the room in distrac-
tion, making frightful grimaces, and at length had recollec-
tion enough to throw a little water in her face, by which
application she was brought to herself; but then her feelings
took another turn. She shed a flood of tears, and cried
aloud, *' I know not who you are; but sure — worthy sir! —
generous sir ! — the distress of me and my poor dying child —
Oh ! if the widow's prayers — if the orphan's tears of grati-
tude can aught avail — Gracious Providence ! — Blessing !

THE EXPEDITION OF

shower down eternal blessings" — Here she was interrupted
by my uncle, who muttered in a voice still more and more
discordant, " For Heaven's sake be quiet, madam — consider
— the people of the house — 'sdeath ! can't you." — All this
time she was struggling to throw herself on her knees, while
he, seizing her by the wrists, endeavoured to seat her upon
the settee, saying, " Prithee — good now — hold your tongue."

Ac that instant, who should burst into the room but our
aunt Tabby! of all antiquated maidens the most diabolically
capricious. Ever prying into other people's affairs, she had
seen the woman enter, and followed her to the door, where
she stood listening, but probably could hear nothing distinct-
ly except my uncle's last exclamation, at which she bounced
into the parlour in a violent rage, that dyed the tip of her nose
of a purple hue. " Fie upon you. Matt ! " cried she, '* what
doings are these, to disgrace your own character, and dis-
parage your family?" Then snatching the bank-note out of
the stranger's hand, she went on, " How now, twenty pounds !
— here is a temptation with a witness! — Good woman, go
about your business — Brother, brother, I know not which
most to admire, your concupissins, or your extravagance ! "
— " Good God ! " exclaimed the poor woman, " shall a worthy
gentleman's character suffer for an action that does honour
to humanity ? " By this time, uncle's indignation was effect-
ually roused. His face grew pale, his teeth chattered, and
his eyes flashed. " Sister," cried he, in a voice like thunder,
*' I vow to God } our impertinence is exceedingly provoking ! "

With these words he took her by the hand, and, opening
the door of communication, thrust her into the chamber where
I stood, so affected by the scene, that the tears ran down my
cheeks. Observing these marks of emotion, '* I don't won-
der," said she, '* to sec you concerned at the backslidings of
so near a relation ; a man of his years and infirmities — these
are line doings, truly — this is a rare example set by a guard-
ian for the benefit of his pupils ; monstrous ! incongruous !
sophistical ! " I thought it was but an act of justice to set her
to rights, and therefore explained the mystery; but she would
not be undeceived. *' What ! " said she, '' would you go for
to offer for to arguefy me out of my senses? Didn't I hear
liini whispering to her to liold her tongue? Didn't I see her

« 2Q

HUMPHRY CLINKER

in tears? Didn't I see him struggling to throw her upon the
couch ? O filthy ! hideous ! abominable ! Child, child, talk
not to me of charity — who gives twenty pounds in charity?
But you are a stripling; you know nothing of the world; be-
sides, charity begins at home. Twenty pounds would buy me
a complete suit of flowered silk, trimmings and all." In short,
I quitted the room, my contempt for her, and my respect for
her brother being increased in the same proportion. I have
since been informed, that the person whom my uncle so gen-
erously relieved, is the widow of an ensign, who has nothing
to depend upon but the pension of fifteen pounds a year. The
people of the well-house give her an excellent character. She
lodges in a garret, and works very hard at plain work, to
support her daughter, who is dying of a consumption. I
must own, to my shame, I feel a strong Inclination to follow
my uncle's example, in relieving this poor widow; but, be-
twixt friends, I am afraid of being detected in a weakness
that might entail the ridicule of the company upon,
Dear Phillips, Yours always,
Hot Well, April 20. J. Melford.

Direct your next to me at Bath; and remember me to all
our fellow Jesuits.

To Dr. Lewis.

I UNDERSTAND your hint. There are mysteries in physic
as well as in religion, which we of the profane have no right
to investigate. A man must not presume to use his reason,
unless he has studied the categories, and can chop logic by
mode and figure. Between friends, I think, every man of
tolerable parts ought, at my time of day, to be both physician
and lawyer, as far as his own constitution and property are
concerned. For my own part, I have had an hospital these
fourteen years within myself, and studied my own case with
the most painful attention ; consequently may be supposed to
know something of the matter, although I have not taken
regular courses of physiology, etc., etc. In short, I have for
some time been of opinion (no offence, dear doctor), that
the sum of all your medical discoveries amounts to this, that
the more you study, the less you know.

21.

)

THE EXPEDITION OF

I have read all that has been written on the Hot Wells,
and what I can collect from the whole is, that the water con-
tains nothing but a little salt and calcareous earth, mixed in
such inconsiderable proportion, as can have very little, if any,
effect on the animal economy. This being the case, I think
the man deserves to be fitted with a cap and bells, who, for
such a paltry advantage as this spring affords, sacrifices his
precious time, which might be employed in taking more ef-
fectual remedies, and exposes himself to the dirt, the stench,
the chillmg blasts, and perpetual rains, that render this place
to me intolerable. If these waters, from a small degree of
astringency, are of some service in the diabetes, diarrhoea,
and night sweats, when the secretions are too much increased,
must not they do harm in the same proportion, where the
humours are obstructed, as in the asthma, scurvy, gout, and
dropsy? ISlow we talk of the dropsy, here is a strange fan-
tastical oddity, one of your brethren, who harangues every
day in the pump-room, as if he was hired to give lectures on
all subjects whatsoever. I know not what to make of him;
sometimes he makes shrewd remarks, at other times he talks
like the greatest simpleton in nature. He has read a great
deal, but without method or judgment, and digested nothing.
He believes everything he has read, especially if it has any-
thing of the marvellous in it ; and his conversation is a sur-
prising hotch-potch of erudition and extravagance. He told
me t'other day, with great confidence, that my case was drop-
sical ; or, as he called it, leiico phlegmatic; a sure sign that his
want of experience is equal to his presumption ; for, you
know, there is nothing analogous to the dropsy in my dis-
order. I wish those impertinent fellows, with their rickety
understandings, would keep their advice for those who ask
it — Dropsy, indeed ! Sure I have not lived to the age of
fifty-five, and had such experience of my own disorder, and
consulted you and other eminent physicians, so often and so

long, to be undeceived by such a . But, without all

doubt, the man is mad, and therefore what he says is of no
consequence.

I had yesterday a visit from Higgins, who came hither un-
der the terror of your threats, and brought me in a present a
brace of hares, which he owned he took in my ground ; and

HUMPHRY CLINKER

I could not persuade the fellow that he did wrong, or that
I would ever prosecute him for poaching. I must desire you
will wink hard at the practices of this rascallion, otherwise
I shall be plagued with his presents, which cost me more than
they are worth. — If I could wonder at anything Fitzowen
does, I should be surprised at his assurance, in desiring you
to solicit my vote for him at the next election for the county ;
for him, who opposed me on the like occasion, with the most
illiberal competition. You may tell him civilly, that I beg to
be excused. Direct your next for me at Bath, whither I
propose to remove to-morrow; not only on my own account,
but for the sake of my niece Liddy, who is like to relapse.
The poor creature fell into a fit yesterday, while I was cheap-
ening a pair of spectacles with a Jew pedlar. I am afraid
there is something still lurking in that little heart of hers,
which I hope a change of objects will remove. Let me know
what you think of this half-witted doctor^s impertinent, ridic-
ulous, and absurd notion of my disorder. So far from being
dropsical, I am as lank in the belly as a greyhound ; and, by
measuring my ankle with a packthread, I find the swelling
subsides every day. From such doctors, good Lord deliver
us ! — I have not yet taken any lodgings in Bath ; because there
we can be accommodated at a minute's warning, and I shall
choose for myself. I need not say your directions for drink-
ing and bathing will be agreeable to,

Dear Lewis, Yours ever,
Hot Well, April 20. Matt. Bramble.

PS. — I forgot to tell you, that my right ankle pits, a symp-
tom, as I take it, of its being (edematous, not leuco phlegmatic.

To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester,

My dear Letty, — I did not intend to trouble you again till
we should be settled at Bath, but having the occasion of
Jarvis, I could not let it slip, especially as I have something
extraordinary to communicate. O my dear companion ! what
shall I tell you ? for several days past there was a Jew-looking
man, that plied at the wells with a box of spectacles, and he
always eyed me so earnestly that I began to be very uneasy.

THE EXPEDITION OF

At last he came to our lodgings at Clifton, and lingered about
the door, as if he wanted to speak to somebody. I was
seized with an odd kind of fluttering, and begged Win to
throw herself in his way, but the poor girl has weak nerves,
and was afraid of his beard. My uncle having occasion for
new glasses, called him upstairs, and was trying a pair of
spectacles, when the man, advancing to me, said in a whisper
— O gracious I what d'ye think he said ! — '' I am Wilson ! "
His features struck me that very moment — it was Wilson sure
enough ! but so disguised, that it would have been impossible
to know him if my heart had not assisted in the discovery.

I was so surprised, and so frightened, that I fainted away,
but soon recovered, and found myself supported by him on
the chair, while my uncle was running about the room, with
the spectacles on his nose, calling for help. I had no oppor-
tunity to speak to him, but our looks were sufficiently ex-
pressive. He was paid for his glasses, and went away. Then
I told Win who he was, and sent her after him to the pump-
room, where she spoke to him, and begged him, in my name,
to withdraw from the place, that he might not incur the
suspicion of my uncle or my brother, if he did not want to
see me die of terror and vexation. The poor youth declared,
with tears in his eyes, that he had something extraordinary
to communicate, and asked if she would deliver a letter to
me, but this she absolutely refused, by my order. Finding
her obstinate in her refusal, he desired she would tell me, that
he was no longer a player, but a gentleman, in which charac-
ter he would very soon avow his passion for me, without fear
of censure or reproach — nay, he even discovered his name and
family, which, to my great grief, the simple girl forgot, in
the confusion occasioned by her being seen talking to him by
my brother, who stopped her on the road, and asked what
business she had with that rascally Jew. She pretended she
was cheapening a stay-hook ; but was thrown into such a
(juandary, that she forgot the most material part of the in-
formation, and when she came home, went into an hysteric
fit of laughing. This transaction happened three days ago,
during which he has not appeared, so that I suppose he is
gone.

Dear Lctty ! you see how fortune takes pleasure in perse-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

cuting your poor friend. If you should see him at Gloucester,
or, if you have seen him, and know his real name and family,
pray keep mc no longer in suspense ; and yet, if he is under
no obligation to keep himself longer concealed, and has a
real affection for me, 1 should hope he will, in a little time,
declare himself to my relations. Sure, if there is nothing
unsuitable in the match, they won't be so cruel as to thwart
my inclinations; O what happiness would then be my por-
tion ! I can't help indulging the thought, and pleasing my
fancy with such agreeable ideas, which, after all, perhaps, will
never be realised. But why should I despair? who knows
what will happen ! We set out for Bath to-morrow, and I
am almost sorry for it, as I begin to be in love with solitude,
and this is a charming romantic place. The air is so pure,
the Downs are so agreeable, the furze in full blossom, the
ground enamelled with daisies, and primroses, and cowslips;
all the trees bursting into leaves, and the hedges already
clothed with their vernal livery ; the mountains covered with
flocks of sheep, and tender bleating wanton lambkins playing,
frisking, and skipping from side to side; the groves resound
with the notes of the blackbird, thrush, and linnet; and all
night long sweet Philomel pours forth her ravishingly de-
lightful song. Then, for variety, we go down to the nymph
of Bristol spring, where the company is assembled before din-
ner ; so good-natured, so free, so easy ; and there we drink the
water so clear, so pure, so mild, so charmingly mawkish ; there
the sun is so cheerful and reviving, the weather so soft, the
walk so agreeable, the prospect so amusing ; and the ships and
boats going up and down the river, close under the windows
of the pump-room, afford such an enchanting variety of mov-
ing pictures, as require a much abler pen than mine to de-
scribe. To make this place a perfect paradise to me, nothing
is wanting but an agreeable companion, and sincere friend,
such as my dear Miss Willis hath been, and, I hope, still will
be, to her ever faithful, Lydia Melford.

Hot Well, April 21.

Direct for me, still under cover to Win, and Jarvis will take
care to convey it safe. Adieu.

THE EXPEDITION OF

To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — You have, indeed, reason to be surprised
that I should have concealed my correspondence with Miss
Blackerby from you, to whom I disclosed all my other con-
nexions of that nature; but the truth is, I never dreamed of
any such commerce, till your last informed me that it had
produced something which could not be much longer con-
cealed. It is a lucky circumstance, however, that her reputa-
tion will not suffer any detriment, but rather derive advantage
from the discovery, which will prove, at least, that it is not
quite so rotten as most people imagined. For my own part, I
declare to you, in all the sincerity of friendship, that, far from
having any amorous intercourse with the object in question, I
never had the least acquaintance with her person; but if she
is really in the condition you describe, I suspect Mansel to be
at the bottom of the whole. His visits to that shrine were no
secret ; and this attachment, added to some good offices, which
you know he has done me since I left Alma mater, give me a
right to believe him capable of saddling me with this scandal
when my back was turned ; nevertheless, if my name can be of
any service to him, he is welcome to make use of it, and if the
woman should be abandoned enough to swear his bantling to
me, I must beg the favour of you to compound with the parish ;
I shall pay the penalty without repining, and you will be so
good as to draw upon me immediately for the sum required.

On this occasion I act by the advice of my uncle, who says
I shall have good luck if I pass through life without being
obliged to make many more compositions of the same kind.
The old gentleman told me last night, with great good-humour,
that, betwixt the age of twenty and forty, he had been obliged to
provide for nine bastards, sworn to him by women whom he
never saw. Mr. Bramble's character, which seems to interest
you greatly, opens and improves upon me every day. His
singularities afford a rich mine of entertainment; his under-
standing, so far as I can judge, is well cultivated; his obser-
vations on life arc equally just, pertinent, and uncommon. He
affects misanthropy, in order to conceal the sensibility of a
heart which is tender even to a degree of weakness. This
delicacy of feeling, or soreness of the mind, makes him timor-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

ous and fearful, but then he is afraid of nothing so much as of
dishonour ; and although he is exceedingly cautious of giving
offence, he will fire at the least hint of insolence or ill-breeding.
Respectable as he is, upon the whole, I can't help being some-
times diverted by his little distresses, which provoke him to let
fly the shafts of his satire, keen and penetrating as the arrows
of Teucer. Our aunt Tabitha acts upon him as a perpetual
grindstone; she is, in all respects, a striking contrast to her
brother ; but I reserve her portrait for another occasion.

Three days ago we came hither from the Hot Well, and took
possession of the first floor of a lodging-house on the South
Parade ; a situation which my uncle chose, for its being near
the bath, and remote from the noise of carriages. He was
scarce warm in the lodgings, when he called for his night-cap,
his wide shoes and flannel, and declared himself invested with
the gout in his right foot; though, I believe, it had as yet
reached no farther than his imagination. It was not long be-
fore he had reason to repent his premature declaration; for
our aunt Tabitha found means to make such a clamour and
confusion, before the flannels could be produced from the
trunk, that one would have imagined the house was on fire.
All this time, uncle sat boiling with impatience, biting his fin-
gers, throwing up his eyes, and muttering ejaculations; at
length he burst into a kind of convulsive laugh, after which he
hummed a song; and, when the hurricane was over, ex-
claimed, '' Blessed be God for all things ! " This, however,
was but the beginning of his troubles. Mrs. Tabitha's fa-
vourite dog Chowder, having paid his compliments to a female
turnspit, of his own species, in the kitchen, involved himself in
a quarrel with no fewer than five rivals, who set upon him at
once, and drove him upstairs to the dining-room door, with
hideous noise. There our aunt and her woman, taking arms
in his defence, joined the concert, which became truly dia-
bolical.

This fray being with difficulty suppressed, by the intervention
of our own footman and the cook-maid of the house, the squire
had just opened his mouth to expostulate with Tabby, when
the town waits, in the passage below, struck up their music (if
music it may be called) with such a sudden burst of sound, as
made him start and stare, with marks of indignation and dis-

THE EXPEDITION OF

quiet. He had recollection enough to send his servant with
some money, to silence those noisy intruders ; and they were
immediately dismissed, though not without some opposition
on the part of Tabitha, who thought it but reasonable that he
should have more music for his money. Scarce had he settled
this knotty point, when a strange kind of thumping and bounc-
ing was heard right overhead in the second storey, so loud and
violent as to shake the whole building. I own I was exceed-
ingly provoked at this new alarm ; and, before my uncle had
time to express himself on the subject, I ran upstairs, to see
what was the matter. Finding the room door open, I entered
without ceremony, and perceived an object, which I cannot
now recollect without laughing to excess — it was a dancing
master, with his scholar, in the act of teaching. The master
was blind of one eye, and lame of one foot, and led about the
room his pupil, who seemed to be about the age of threescore,
stooped mortally, was tall, raw-boned, hard-favoured, with a
woollen night-cap on his head; and he had stripped off his
coat, that he might be more nimble in his motions.

Finding himself intruded upon by a person he did not know,
he forthwith girded himself with a long iron sword, and ad-
vancing to me, with a peremptory air, pronounced, in a true
Hibernian accent, " Mister What-d'ye-callum, by my shoul and
conscience I am very glad to sea you, if you are after coming
in the way of friendship ; and indeed, and indeed now, I be-
lieve you are my friend sure enough, gra ; though I never had
the honour to sea your face before, my dear ; for because you
come like a friend without any ceremony at all, at all " — I
told him the nature of my visit would not admit of ceremony ;
that I was come to desire he would make less noise, as there
was a sick gentleman below, whom he had no right to disturb
with such preposterous doings. " Why, look ye now, young-
gentleman, " replied this original, " perhaps, upon another oc-
casion, I might shivilly request you to explain the maining of
that hard word preposterous : but there's a time for all things,
honey " — So saying, he passed me with great agility, and,
running downstairs, found our footman at the dining-room
door, of whom he demanded admittance, to pay his respects to
the stranger. As the fellow did not think proper to refuse the
request of such a formidable figure, he was immediately intro-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

duced, and addressed himself to my uncle in these words :
" Your humble servant, good sir, — I am not so prepastcrous,
as your son calls it, but I know the rules of shivillity — I'm a
poor knight of Ireland, my name is Sir Ulic Mackilligut, of
the county of Gal way ; being your fellow-lodger, I'm come to
pay my respects, and to welcome you to the South Parade, and
to ofifer my best services to you, and your good lady, and your
pretty daughter ; and even to the young gentleman vour son,
though he thinks me a prepasterous fellow — you must know I
am to have the honour to open a ball, next door, to-morrow,
with Lady Macmanus; and, being rusted in my dancing, I
was refreshing my memory with a little exercise ; but if I had
known there was a sick person below, by Christ ! I would
sooner have danced a hornpipe upon my own head, than walk
the softest minuet over yours."

My uncle, who was not a little startled at his first appear-
ance, received his compliment with great complacency, insisted
upon his being seated, thanked him for the honour of his visit,
and reprimanded me for my abrupt expostulation with a gen-
tleman of his rank and character. Thus tutored, I asked par-
don of the knight, who, forthwith starting up, embraced me so
close, that I could hardly breathe; and assured me, he loved
me as his own soul. At length, recollecting his night-cap, he
pulled it off in some confusion; and, with his bald pate un-
covered, made a thousand apologies to the ladies as he retired.

At this instant, the Abbey bells began to ring so loud, that
we could not hear one another speak; and this peal, as we
afterwards learned, was for the honour of Mr. Bullock, an
eminent cowkeeper of Tottenham, who had just arrived at m
Bath, to drink the waters for indigestion. Mr. Bramble had IP
not time to make his remarks upon the agreeable nature of this
serenade, before his ears were saluted with another concert
that interested him more nearly. Two negroes that belonged
to a Creole gentleman, who lodged in the same house, taking
their station at a window in the staircase, about ten feet from
our dining-room door, began to practise upon the French
horn ; and, being in the very first rudiments of execution, pro-
duced such discordant sounds, as might have discomposed the
organs of an ass. — You may guess what eft'ect they had upon
the irritable nerves of uncle; who, with the most admirable

THE EXPEDITION OF

expression of splenetic surprise in his countenance, sent his
man to silence those dreadful blasts, and desire the musicians
to practise in some other place, as they had no right to stand
there, and disturb all the lodgers in the house. Those sable
performers, far from taking the hint, and withdrawing, treated
the messenger with great insolence, bidding him carry his com-
pliments to their master Colonel Rigworm, who would give
him a proper answer, and a good drubbing into the bargain.
In the meantime they continued their noise, and even en-
deavoured to make it more disagreeable, laughing between
whiles, at the thoughts of being able to torment their betters
with impunity. Our squire, incensed at the additional insult,
immediately despatched the servant with his compliments to
Colonel Rigworm, requesting that he would order his blacks
to be quiet, as the noise they made was altogether intolerable.
To this message the Creole colonel replied, that his horns
had a right to sound on a common staircase; that there they
should play for his diversion ; and that those who did not like
ihe noise might look for lodgings elsewhere. Mr. Bramble no
sooner received this reply, than his eyes began to glisten, his
face grew pale, and his teeth chattered. After a moment's
pause, he slipped on his shoes without speaking a word, or
seeming to feel any farther disturbance from the gout in his
toes. Then snatching his cane, he opened the door, and pro-
ceeded to the place where the black trumpeters were posted.
There, without farther hesitation, he began to belabour them
both; and exerted himself with such astonishing vigour and
agility, that both their heads and horns were broken in a
twinkling, and they ran howling downstairs to their master's
parlour door. The squire, following them half-way, called
aloud, that the colonel might hear him, '' Go, rascals, and tell
your master what I have done; if he thinks himself injured,
he knows where to come for satisfaction. As for you, this is
but an earnest of what you shall receive, if ever you presume
to blow a horn here again, while I stay in the house." So
saying, he retired to his apartment, in expectation of hearing
from the West Indian : but the colonel prudently declined an}^
farther prosecution of the dispute. My sister Liddy was
frightened into a fit, from which she no sooner recovered than
Mrs. Tabitha began a lecture upon patience; which her

HUMPHRY CLINKER

brother interrupted with a most significant grin, exclaiming,
'' True, sister, God increase my patience and your discretion.
I wonder," added he, '' what sort of sonata we are to expect
from this overture, in which the devil that presides over horrid
sounds hath given us such variations of discord. — The tram-
pling of porters, the creaking and crashing of trunks, the snarl-
ing of curs, the scolding of women, the squeaking and
squalling of fiddles and hautboys out of tune, the bouncing of
the Irish baronet overhead, and the bursting, belching, and
brattling of the French horns in the passage, (not to mention
the harmonious peal that still thunders from the Abbey
steeple,) succeeding one another without interruption, like the
different parts of the same concert, have given me such an
idea of what a poor invalid has to expect in this temple, dedi-
cated to silence and repose, that I shall certainly shift my
quarters to-morrow, and endeavour to effectuate my retreat
before Sir Ulic opens the ball with my Lady Macmanus, a
conjunction that bodes me no good."

This intimation was by no means agreeable to Mrs. Tabitha,
whose ears were not quite so delicate as those of her brother.
She said it would be great folly to move from such agreeable
lodgings, the moment they were comfortably settled. She
wondered he should be such an enemy to music and mirth.
She heard no noise but of his own making. It was impossible
to manage a family in dumb show. He might harp as long as
he pleased upon her scolding; but she never scolded except
for his advantage ; but he would never be satisfied, even tho'f
she sweat blood and water in his service. I have a great no-
tion that our aunt, who is now declining into the most desper-
ate state of celibacy, had formed some design upon the heart
of Sir Ulic Mackilligut, which she feared might be frustrated
by our abrupt departure from these lodgings. Her brother,
eyeing her askance, " Pardon me, sister," said he, " I should
be a savage, indeed, were I insensible of my own felicity, in
having such a mild, complaisant, good-humoured, and consid-
erate companion and housekeeper; but as I have got a weak
head, and my sense of hearing is painfully acute, before I have
recourse to plugs of wool and cotton, I'll try whether I can't
find another lodging, where I shall have more quiet and less
music." He accordingly despatched his man upon this serv-

THE EXPEDITION OF

ice ; and next day he found a small house in Milsham Street,
which he hires by the week. Here at least we enjoy conveni-
ence and quiet within doors, as much as Tabby's temper will
allow; but the squire still complains of flying pains in the
stomach and head, for which he bathes and drinks the waters.
He is not so bad, however, but that he goes in person to the
pump, the rooms, and the coffee-houses, where he picks up
continual food for ridicule and satire. If I can glean anything
for your amusement, either from his observation or my own,
you shall have it freely, though I am afraid it will poorly com-
pensate the trouble of reading these tedious insipid letters of,
Dear Phillips, yours always, J. Melford.

Bath, April 24.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Doctor, — If I did not know that the exercise of
your profession has habituated you to the hearing of com-
plaints, I should make a conscience of troubling you with my
correspondence, which may be truly called the lamentations of
Matthezv Bramble. Yet I cannot help thinking I have some
right to discharge the overflowings of my spleen upon you,
v/hose province it is to remove those disorders that occasioned
it ; and let me tell you, it is no small alleviation of my griev-
ances, that I have a sensible friend, to whom I can communi-
cate my crusty humours, which, by retention, would grow in-
tolerably acrimonious.

You must know, I find nothing but disappointment at Bath,
which is so altered, that I can scarce believe it is the same place
that I frequented about thirty years ago. Methinks I hear
you say, *' Altered it is, without all doubt ; but then it is altered
for the better; a truth, which, perhaps, you would own with-
out hesitation, if you yourself was not altered for the worse."
The reflection may, for aught I know, be just. The incon-
veniences which I overlooked in the heyday of health, will nat-
urally strike with exaggerated impression on the irritable
nerves of an invalid, surprised by premature old age, and shat-
tered with long suffering. — But, T believe, you will not deny
that this place, which nature and providence seem to have in-
tended as a resource from distemper and disquiet, is become

HUMPHRY CLINKER

the very centre of racket and dissipation. Instead of that
peace, tranquilHty, and ease, so necessary to those who labour
under bad heaUh, weak nerves, and irregular spirits ; here we
have nothing but noise, tumult, and hurry, with the fatigue
and slavery of maintaining a ceremonial, more stifT, formal,
and oppressive, than the etiquette of a German elector. A
national hospital it may be ; but one would imagine, that none
but lunatics are admitted ; and, truly, I will give you leave to
call me so, if I stay much longer at Bath. But I shall take
another opportunity to explain my sentiments at greater length
on this subject.

I was impatient to see the boasted improvements in archi-
tecture, for which the upper parts of the town have been so
much celebrated, and t'other day I made a circuit of all the
new buildings. The Square, though irregular, is, on the
whole, pretty well laid out, spacious, open, and airy ; and, in
my opinion, by far the most wholesome and agreeable situa-
tion in Bath, especially the upper side of it ; but the avenues to
it are mean, dirty, dangerous, and indirect. Its communica-
tion with the baths is through the yard of an inn, where the
poor trembling valetudinarian is carried in a chair, betwixt the
heels of a double row of horses, wincing under the curry-
combs of grooms and postillions, over and above the hazard
of being obstructed, or overturned by the carriages which are
continually making their exit or their entrance. I suppose,
after some chairmen shall have been maimed, and a few lives
lost by those accidents, the corporation will think, in earnest,
about providing a more safe and commodious passage.

The Circus is a pretty bauble; contrived for show, and
looks like Vespasian's amphitheatre, turned outside in. If we
consider it in point of magnificence, the great number of small
doors belonging to the separate houses, the inconsiderable
height of the different orders, the affected ornaments of the
architrave, which are both childish and misplaced, and the
areas projecting into the street, surrounded with iron rails,
destroy a good part of its effect upon the eye; and perhaps
we shall find it still more defective, if we view it in the light
of convenience. The figure of each separate dwelling-house,
being the segment of a circle, must spoil the symmetry of the
rooms, by contracting them towards the street windows, and

* 33

THE EXPEDITION OF

leaving a larger sweep in the space behind. If, instead of the
areas and iron rails, which seem to be of very little use, there
had been a corridor with arcades all around, as in Covent Gar-
den, the appearance of the whole would have been more mag-
nificent and striking; those arcades would have afforded an
agreeable covered walk, and sheltered the poor chairmen and
their carriages from the rain, which is here almost perpetual.
At present, the chairs stand soaking in the open street, from
morning to night, till they become so many boxes of wet
leather, for the benefit of the gouty and rheumatic, who are
transported in them from place to place. Indeed, this is a
shocking inconvenience that extends over the whole city ; and
I am persuaded it produces infinite mischief to the delicate and
infirm. Even the close chairs, contrived for the sick, by stand-
ing in the open air, have their frieze linings impregnated, like
so many sponges, with the moisture of the atmosphere; and
those cases of cold vapour must give a charming check to the
perspiration of a patient, piping hot from the bath, with all his
pores wide open.

But, to return to the Circus. It is inconvenient from its
situation, at so great a distance from all the markets, baths,
and places of public entertainment. The only entrance to it,
through Gay Street, is so difficult, steep, and slippery, that, in
wet weather, it must be exceedingly dangerous, both for those
that ride in carriages, and those that walk afoot ; and when
the street is covered with snow, as it was for fifteen days suc-
cessively this very winter, I don't see how any individual could
go either up or down, without the most imminent hazard of
broken bones. In blowing weather, I am told, most of the
houses on this hill are smothered with smoke, forced down the
chimneys by the gusts of wind reverberated from the hill be-
hind, which, I apprehend likewise, must render the atmosphere
here more humid and unwholesome than it is in the Square
below ; for the clouds formed by the constant evaporation
from the baths and rivers in the bottom, will, in their ascent
this way, be first attracted and detained by the hill that rises
close behind the Circus, and load the air with a perpetual suc-
cession of vaix)urs. This point, however, may be easily ascer-
tained by means of an hygrometer, or a paper of salt of tartar
exposed to the action of the atmosphere. The same artist who

HUMPHRY CLINKER

planned the Circus has likewise projected a Crescent; when
that is finished, we shall probably have a Star ; and those who
are living thirty years hence, may, perhaps, see all the signs of
the zodiac exhibited in architecture at Bath.

These, however fantastical, are still designs that denote
some ingenuity and knowledge in the architect ; but the rage
of building has laid hold on such a number of adventurers, that
one sees new houses starting up in every outlet and every cor-
ner of Bath ; contrived without judgment, executed without
vsolidity, and stuck together with so little regard to plan and
propriety, that the different lines of the new rows and buildings
interfere with, and intersect one another in every different
angle of conjunction. They look like the wreck of streets and
squares disjointed by an earthquake, which hath broken the
ground into a variety of holes and hillocks ; or, as if some
Gothic devil had stuffed them all together in a bag, and left
them to stand higgledy-piggledy, just as chance directed.
What sort of a monster Bath will become in a few years, with
those growing excrescences, may be easily conceived. But
the want of beauty and proportion is not the worst effect of
these new mansions ; they are built so slight, with the soft
[Crumbling stone found in this neighborhood, that I should
Inever sleep quietly in one of them, when it blowed, as the sail-
ors say, a capfull of wind ; and I am persuaded, that my hind,
Roger Williams, or any man of equal strength, would be able
to push his foot through the strongest part of their walls, with-
out any great exertion of his muscles.

All these absurdities arise from the general tide of luxury,
which hath overspread the nation, and swept away all, even the
very dregs of the people. Every upstart of fortune, harnessed
in the trappings of the mode, presents himself at Bath, as in the
very focus of observation. — Clerks and factors from the East
Indies, loaded with the spoil of plundered provinces ; planters,
n^gro-drivers, and hucksters, from our American plantations,
enriched they know not how ; agents, commissaries, and con-
tractors, who have fattened, in two successive wars, on the
blood of the nation ; usurers, brokers, and jobbers of every
kind ; men of low birth, and no breeding, have found them-
selves suddenly translated into a state of affluence, unknown
to former ages ; and no wonder that their brains should be in-

THE EXPEDITION OF

toxicated with pride, vanity, and presumption. Knowing no
other criterion of greatness, but the ostentation of wealth, they
discharge their affluence without taste or conduct, through
every channel of the most absurd extravagance; and all of
them hurry to Bath, because here, without any farther qualifi-
cation, they can mingle with the princes and nobles of the land.
Even the wives and daughters of low tradesmen, who, Hke
shovel-nosed sharks, prey upon the blubber of those uncouth
whales of fortune, are infected with the same rage of display-
ing their importance; and the slightest indisposition serves
them for a pretext to insist upon being conveyed to Bath,
where they may hobble country dances and cotillions among
lordlings, squires, counsellors, and clergy. T.hese delicate
creatures from Bedfordbury, Butcher Row, Crutched Friars,
and Botolph Lane, cannot breathe in the gross air of the lower
A town, or conform to the vulgar rules of a common lodging-
house; the husband, therefore, must provide an entire house,
or elegant apartments in the new buildings. Such is the com-
position of what is called the fashionable company at Bath ;
where a very inconsiderable proportion of genteel people are
lost in a mob of impudent plebeians, who have neither under-
standing nor judgment, nor the least idea of propriety and
decorum ; and seem to enjoy nothing so much as an oppor-
tunity of insulting their betters.

Thus the number of people and the number of houses con-
tinue to increase ; and this will ever be the case till the streams
that swell this irresistible torrent of folly and extravagance
shall either be exhausted, or turned into other channels, by in-
cidents and events which I do not pretend to foresee. This, I
own, is a subject on v\^hich I cannot wTite with any degree of
pa/tience ; for the mob is a monster I never could abide,
either in its head, tail, midriff, or members. I detest the
whole of it, as a mass of ignorance, presumption, malice, and
brutality ; and, in this term of reprobation, I include, without
respect of rank, station, or quality, all those of both sexes who
affect its manners, and court its society.

But I have written till my fingers are cramped ; and my
nausea begins to return. By your advice, I sent to London a
few days ago for half a pound of gengzeng; though I doubt
much whether that which comes from America is equally effi-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

cacious with what is brought from the East Indies. Some
years ago, a friend of mine paid sixteen guineas for two ounces
of it ; and, in six months after, it was sold in the same shop
for five shilHngs the pound. In short, we Hve in a vile world
of fraud and sophistication ; so that I know nothing of equal
value with the genuine friendship of a sensible man ; a rare
jewel ! which I cannot help thinking myself in possession of,
while I repeat the old declaration, that I am, as usual, dear
Lewis, Your affectionate

Bath, April 23. M. Bramble.

After having been agitated in a short hurricane, on my first
arrival, I have taken a small house in Milsham Street, where I
am tolerably well lodged for five guineas a week. I was yes-
terday at the pump-room, and drank about a pint of the water,
which seems to agree with my stomach ; and to-morrow morn-
ing I shall bathe for the first time ; so that, in a few posts, you
may expect farther trouble. Meanwhile, I am glad to find
that the inoculation has succeeded so well with poor Joyce, and
that her face will be but little marked. If my friend Sir
Thomas was a single man, I would not trust such a liandsome
wench in his family ; but as I have recommended her, in a par-
ticular manner, to the protection of Lady G , who is one of

the best women in the world, she may go thither without hesi-
tation, as soon as she is quite recovered, and fit for service.
Let her mother have money to provide her with necessaries,
and she may ride behind her brother on Bucks ; but you must
lay strong injunctions on Jack, to take particular care of the
trusty old veteran, who has faithfully earned his present ease
by his past services.

To Miss Willis, at Gloucester.

My dearest Companion, — The pleasure I received from
yours, which came to hand yesterday, is not to be expressed.
Love and friendship are, without doubt, charming passions ;
which absence serves only to heighten and improve. Your
kind present of the garnet bracelets I shall keep as carefully as
I preserve my own life ; and I beg you will accept, in return,
of my heart-housewife, with the tortoise-shell memorandum-
book, as a trifling pledge of my unalterable affection.

THE EXPEDITION OF

Bath is to me a new world. All is gaiety, good humour,
and diversion. The eye is continually entertained with the
splendour of dress and equipage, and the ear with the sound of
coaches, chaises, chairs, and other carriages. The merry hells
ring round, from morn till night. Then we are welcomed by
the city waits in our own lodgings. We have music in the
pump-room every morning, cotillions every forenoon in the
rooms, balls twice a week, and concerts every other night, be-
sides private assemblies, and parties without number. As
soon as we were settled in lodgings, we were visited by the
master of the ceremonies ; a pretty little gentleman, so sweet,
so fine, so civil, and polite, that in our country he might pass
for the Prince of Wales ; then he talks so charmingly, both in
verse and prose, that you would be delighted to hear him dis-
course ; for you must know he is a great writer, and has got
five tragedies ready for the stage. He did us the favour to
dine with us, by my uncle's invitation ; and next day squired
my aunt and me to every part of Bath, which to be sure is an
earthly paradise. The Square, the Circus, and the Parades,
put you in mind of the sumptuous palaces, represented in
prints and pictures ; and the new buildings, such as Prince's
Row, Harlequin's Row, Bladud's Row,and twenty other rows,
look like so many enchanted castles, raised on hanging ter-
races.

At eight in the morning we go in dishabille to the pump-
room, which is crowded like a Welsh fair ; and there you see
the highest quality and the lowest tradesfolks, jostling each
other, without ceremony, hail, fellow, well met. The noise of
the music playing in the gallery, the heat and flavour of such
a crowd, and the hum and buzz of their conversation, gave me
the headache and vertigo the first day; but, afterwards, all
these things became familiar, and even agreeable. — Right
under the pump-room windows is the King's Bath; a huge
cistern, where you see the patients up to their necks in hot
water. The ladies wear jackets and petticoats of brown linen,
with chip hats, in which they fix their handkerchiefs to wipe
the sweat from their faces ; but, truly, whether it is owing to
the steam that surrounds them, or the heat of the water, or
the nature of the dress, or to all these causes together, they
look so flushed, and so frightful, that I always turn my eyes

HUMPHRY CLINKER

another way. — My aunt, who says every person of fashion
should make her appearance in the bath, as well as in the
Abbey Church, contrived a cap with cherry-coloured ribbons to
suit her complexion, and obliged Win to attend her yesterday
morning in the water. But, really, her eyes were so red, that
they made mine water as I viewed her from the pump-room ;
and as for poor Win, who wore a hat trimmed with blue, what
betwixt her wan complexion and her fear, she looked like the
ghost of some pale maiden, who had drowned herself for love.
When she came out of the bath, she took assafoetida drops,
and was fluttered all day, so that we could hardly keep her
from going into hysterics. But her mistress says it will do
her good, and poor Win curtsies, with the tears in her eyes.
For my part, I content myself with drinking about half a pint
of the water every morning.

The pumper, with his wife and servant, attend in a bar;
and the glasses, of different sizes, stand ranged in order before
them, so you have nothing to do but to point at that which you
choose, and it is filled immediately, hot and sparkling from the
pump. It is the only hot water I could ever drink without
being sick. — Far from having that eft'ect, it is rather agreeable
to the taste, grateful to the stomach, and reviving to the spirits.
You cannot imagine what wonderful cures it performs. — My
uncle began with it the other day ; but he made wry faces in
drinking, and I am afraid he will leave it off. — The first day
we came to Bath he fell into a violent passion, beat two black-
a-moors, and I was afraid he would have fought with their
master ; hut the stranger proved a peaceable man. To be sure,
the gout had got into his head, as my aunt observed; but, I
believe, his passion drove it away, for he has been remarkably
well ever since. It is a thousand pities he should ever be
troubled with that ugly distemper ; for, when he is free from
pain, he is the best tempered man upon earth ; so gentle, so
generous, so charitable, that everybody loves him ; and so
good to me, in particular, that I shall never be able to show the
deep sense I have of his tenderness and affection.

Hard by the pump-room is a coffee-house for the ladies ;
but my aunt says, young girls are not admitted, inasmuch as
the conversation turns upon politics, scandal, philosophy, and
other subjects above our capacity; but we are allowed to

THE EXPEDITION OF

accompany them to the booksellers' shops, which are charm-
ing places of resort, where we read novels, plays, pamphlets,
and newspapers, for so small a subscription as a crown a quar-
ter, and in these offices of intelligence (as brother calls them)
all the reports of the day, and all the private transactions of the
bath, are first entered and discussed. From the bookseller's
shop we make a tour through the milliners and toymen, and
commonly stop at Mr. Gill's, the pastry-cook, to take a jelly,
a tart, or a small bason of vermicelli. There is, moreover,
another place of entertainment on the other side of the water,
opposite to the Grove, to which the company cross over in a
boat. — It is called Spring Gardens ; a sweet retreat, laid out in
walks, and ponds, and parterres of flowers ; and there is a long
room for breakfasting and dancing. As the situation is low
and damp, and the season has been remarkably wet, my uncle
won't suffer me to go thither, lest I should catch cold. But
my aunt says it is all a vulgar prejudice; and, to be sure, a
great many gentlemen and ladies of Ireland frequent the place,
without seeming to be the worse for it. They say, dancing at
Spring Gardens, when the air is moist, is recommended to
them as an excellent cure for the rheumatism. I have been
twice at the play, where, notwithstanding the excellence of the
performers, the gaiety of the company, and the decorations of
the theatre, which are very fine, I could not help reflecting,
with a sigh, upon our poor homely representations at Glouces-
ter.— But this in confidence to my dear Willis. — You know my
heart, and will excuse its weakness.

After all, the great scenes of entertainment at Bath are the
two public rooms, where the company meet alternately every
evening. — They are spacious, lofty, and, when lighted up, ap-
pear very striking. They are generally crowded with well-
dressed people, who drink te? in separate parties, play at cards,
walk, or sit and chat together, just as they are disposed.
Twice a week there is a ball, the expense of which is defrayed
by a voluntary subscription among the gentlemen ; and every
subscriber has three tickets. I was there Friday last with my
aunt, under the care of my brother, who is a subscriber ; and
Sir Ulic Mackilligut recommended his nephew, Captain
O'Donaghan, to me as a partner; but Jerry excused himself,
by saying I had got the headache ; and indeed it was really so,

HUMPHRY CLINKER

though I can't imagine how he knew it. The place was so hot,
and the smell so different from what we are used to in the
country, that I was quite feverish when we came away. Aunt
says it is the effect of a vulgar constitution, reared among
woods and mountains ; and that, as I become more accustomed
to genteel company, it will wear off. — Sir Ulic was very com-
plaisant, made her a great many high-flown compliments, and,
when we retired, handed her with great ceremony to her chair.
The captain, I believe, would have done me the same favour;
but my brother, seeing him advance, took me under his arm,
and wished him good-night. The captain is a pretty man, to
be sure ; tall and straight, and well made, with light grey eyes,
and a Roman nose ; but there is a certain boldness in his look
and manner that puts one out of countenance. — But I am
afraid I have put you out of all patience with this long uncon-
nected scrawl ; which I shall therefore conclude, with assuring
you, that neither Bath, nor London, nor all the diversions of
life, shall ever be able to efface the idea of my dear Letty, from
the heart of her ever affectionate Lydia MELFoiiD.

Bath, April 26.

To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Bramhleton.

Dear Molly Jones, — Heaving got a frank, I now return
your fever, which I received by Mr. Higgins at the Hot Well,
together with the stockings which his wife footed for me ; but
now they are of no survice. Nobody wears such things in this
place. — O Molly ! you that live in the country have no decep-
tion of our doings at Bath. Here is such dressing, and fid-
dling, and dancing, and gadding, and courting, and plotting-
O gracious! If God had not given me a good stock of dis-'
cretion, what a power of things might not I reveal, consarning
old mistress and young mistress ; Jews with beards that were
no Jews, but handsome Christians, without a hair upon their
sin, strolling with spectacles, to get speech of Miss Liddy.
But she's a dear sweet soul, as innocent as the child unborn.
She has tould me all her inward thoughts, and disclosed her
passion for Mr. Wilson ; and that's not his name neither ; and
thof he acted among the player-men, he is meat for their mas-
ters; and she has gi'en me her yellow trolopea, which Mrs.

THE EXPEDITION OF

Drab, the manty-maker, says will look very well when it is
scowred and smoaked with silfur — You knows as how yallow
fitts my fizzogmony. God he knows what havoc I shall
make among the mail sex, when I make my first appearance in
this killing collar, with a full suit of gaze, as good as new,
that I bought last Friday, of Madam Friponeau, the French
mullaner.

Dear girl, I have seen all the fine shows of Bath ; the Prades,
the Squires, and the Circlis, the Crashit, the Hottogon, and
Bloody Buildings, and Harry King's Row ; and I have been
twice in the bath with mistress, and na'r a smoak upon our
backs, hussy. — The first time I was mortally afraid, and
flustered all day, and afterwards made believe that I had got
the heddick ; but mistress said, if I didn't go, I should take a
dose of bum-tafl^y; and so remembering how it worked Mrs.
Gwyllim a penn'orth, I chose rather to go again with her into
the bath, and then I met with an axident. I dropt my petti-
coat, and could not get it up from the bottom — but what did
that signify? — they mought laff, but they could see nothing;
for I was up to the sin in water. To be sure, it threw me into
such a gumbustion, that I know not what I said, nor what I
did, nor how they got me out, and rapt me in a blanket — Mrs.
Tabitha scoulded a little when we got home; but she knows
as how I know what's what. — Ah, Laud help you ! — There is
Sir Yuri Micligut, of Balnaclinch, in the cunty of Kalloway —
I took down the name from his gentleman, Mr. O Frizzle, and
he has got an estate of fifteen hundred a year — I am sure he is
both rich and generous. — But you nose, Molly, I was always
famous for keeping secrets ; and so he was very safe in trust-
ing me with his flegm for mistress, which, to be sure, is very
honourable ; for Mr. O Frizzle assures me he values not her
portion a brass farthing — And, indeed, what's poor ten thou-
sand pounds to a Baron Knight of his fortune? and, truly, I
told Mr. O Frizzle that was all that she had to trust to. — As
for John Thomas, he's a morass fellor — I vow I thought he
would a fit with Mr. O Frizzle, because he axed me to dance
with him at Spring Garden — Bui God he knows I have no
thoughts cyther of wan or t'other.

As for house news, the worst is. Chowder has fallen oflF
greatly from his stomick — He eats nothing but white meats,

HUMPHRY CLINKER

and not much of that; and wheezes and seems to be much
bloated. The doctors think he is threatened with a dropsy —
Parson Marrowfat, who has got the same disorder, finds great
benefit from the waters ; but Chowder seems to Hke them no
better than the squire ; and mistress says if his case don't take
a favourable turn, she will sartainly carry him to Aberga'nny
to drink goats' whey — To be sure the poor dear honimil is lost
for want of axercise : for which reason she intends to give him
an airing once a day upon the Downs, in a post-chaise. — I have
already made very creditable correxions in this here place,
where, to be sure, we have the very squintasence of satiety-
Mrs. Patcher, my Lady Kilmacullock's woman, and I, are
sworn sisters. She has shown me all her secrets, and learned
me to wash gaze, and refrash rusty silks and bumbeseens, by
boiling them with winegar, chamberlaye, and stale beer. My
short sack and apron luck as good as new from the shop, and
my pumpydoor as fresh as a rose, by the help of turtle-water —
But this is all Greek and Latten to you, Molly. — If we should
come to Aberga'nny, you'll be within a day's ride of us ; and
then we shall see wan another, please God. — If not, remember
me in your prayers, as I shall do by you in mine ; and take
care of my kitten, and give my kind sarvice to Saul ; and this
is all at present, from your beloved friend and sarvent,
Bath, April 26. Winifred Jenkins.

To Mrs. Gwyllim, Housekeeper, at Bramhleton Hall.

I AM astonished that Dr. Lewis should take upon him to
give away Alderney, without my privity and concurrants.
What signifies my brother's order ? — My brother is little better
than noncompush. He would give away the shirt of his back,
and the teeth out of his head ; nay, as for that matter, he would
have ruinated the family with his ridiculous charities, if it had
not been for my four quarters. — What between his wilfulness
and his waste, his trumps, and his frenzy, I lead the life of an
indented slave. Alderney gave four gallons a day ever since
the calf was sent to market. There is so much milk out of my
dairy, and the press must stand still : — But I won't lose a
cheese-paring; and the milk shall be made good, if the sar-
vants should go without butter. If they must needs have

THE EXPEDITION OF

butter, let them make it of sheep's milk; but then my wool
will suffer for want of grace ; so that I must be a loser on all
sides. — Well, patience is like a stout Welsh poney ; it bears a
great deal, and trots a great way, but it will tire at the long
run. — Before it's long, perhaps I may show Matt, that I was
not born to be the household drudge to my dying day.

Gwyn writes from Crickhowel, that the price of flannel is
fallen three farthings an ell ; and that's another good penny
out of my pocket. — When I go to market to sell, my com-
modity stinks ; but when I want to buy the commonest thing,
the owner pricks it up under my nose, and it can't be had for
love nor money — I think everything runs cross at Brambleton
Hall. — You say the gander has broke the eggs, which is a
phinumenon I don't understand ; for when the fox carried off
the old goose last year, he took her place and hatched the eggs,
and partected the goslings like a tender parent. — Then you tell
me the thunder has soured two barrels of bear in the seller.
But how the thunder should get there, when the seller was
double locked, I can't comprehend. Howsomever, I won't
have the bear thrown out till I see it with mine own eyes.
Perhaps it will recover — at least it will serve for vinegar to the
sarvants. — You may leave off the fires in my brother's chamber
and mine, as it is unsartain when we return. — I hope, Gwyllim,
you'll take care there is no waste; and have an eye to the
maids, and keep them to their spinning. — I think they may go
very well without bear in hot weather — it serves only to in-
flame the blood, and set them agog after the men : water will
make them fair, and keep them cool and tamperit. Don't for-
get to put up in the portmantle that cums with W^illiams, along
with my riding habit, hat, and feather, the vial of purl-water,
and the tincktur for my stomach ; being as how I am much
troubled with flatulencies. This is all at present, from yours,

Bath, April 26. Tabitha Bramble.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Dick, — I have done with the waters ; therefore your
advice comes a day too late. — I grant that physic is no mystery
of your making. I know it is a mystery in its own nature,
and, like other mysteries, requires a strong gulp of faith to

HUMPHRY CLINKER

make it go down. — Two days ago, I went into the King's

Bath, by the advice of our friend Ch , in order to clear the

strainer of the skin, for the benefit of a free perspiration ; and
the first object that sakited my eye was a child, full of scrof-
ulous ulcers, carried in the arms of one of the guides, under
the very noses of the bathers. I was so shocked at the sight,
that I retired immediately with indignation and disgust. —
Suppose the matter of those ulcers, floating in the water,
comes in contact with my skin, when the pores are all open, I
would ask you what must be the consequence ? Good heavens,
the very thought makes my blood run cold ! We know not
what sores may be running into the waters while we are bath-
ing, and what sort of matter we may thus imbibe ; the king's
evil, the scurvy, the cancer, and the pox; and, no doubt, the
heat will render the virus the more volatile and penetrating.
To purify myself from all such contamination, I went to the
Duke of Kingston's private bath, and there I was almost suffo-
cated for want of free air, the place was so small, and the
steam so stifling.

After all, if the intention is no more than to wash the skin,
I am convinced that simple element is more effectual than any
water impregnated with salt and iron; which, being as-
tringent, will certainly contract the pores, and leave a kind of
crust upon the surface of the body. But I am now as much
afraid of drinking as of bathing; for, after a long conversa-
tion with the doctor, about the construction of the pump and
the cistern, it is very far from being clear with me, that the
patients in the pump-room don't swallow the scourings of the
bathers. I can't help suspecting, that there is, or may be,
some regurgitation from the bath into the cistern of the pump.
In that case, what a delicate beverage is every day quaffed by
the drinkers, medicated with the sweat, and dirt, and dandrift*,
and the abominable discharges of various kinds, from twenty
different diseased bodies, parboiling in the kettle below. In
order to avoid this filthy composition, I had recourse to the
spring that supplies the private baths on the Abbey Green ; but
I at once perceived something extraordinary in the taste and
smell ; and, upon inquiry, I find, that the Roman baths in this
quarter were found covered by an old burying-ground belong-
ing to the abbey, through which, in all probability, the water

THE EXPEDITION OF

drains in its passage; so that, as we drink the decoction of
living bodies at the pump-room, we swallow the strainings of
rotten bones and carcases at the private bath — I vow to God
the very idea turns my stomach ! — Determined, as I am,
against any farther use of the Bath waters, this consideration
would give me little disturbance, if I could find anything more
pure, or less pernicious, to quench my thirst ; but although the
natural springs of excellent water are seen gushing spontane-
ous on every side from the hills that surround us, the inhabit-
ants in general make use of well water, so impregnated with
nitre, or alum, or some other villanous mineral, that it is
equally ungrateful to the taste, and mischievous to the consti-
tution. It must be owned, indeed, that here, in Milsham
Street, we have a precarious and scanty supply from the hill,
which is collected in an open bason in the Circus, liable to be
defiled with dead dogs, cats, rats, and every species of nasti-
ness, which the rascally populace may throw into it from mere
wantonness and brutality.

Well, there is no nation that drinks so hoggishly as the
English. — What passes for wine among us is not the juice of
the grape. It is an adulterous mixture, brewed up of nause-
ous ingredients, by dunces, who are bunglers in the art of
poison-making ; yet we and our forefathers are, and have
been, f>oisoned by this cursed drench, without taste or flavour.
— The only genuine and wholesome beverage in England is
London porter and Dorchester table-beer ; but as for your ale
and your gin, your cider and your perry, and all the trashy
family of made wines, I detest them as infernal compositions,
contrived for the destruction of the human species. — But what
have I to do with the human species? except a very few
friends, I care not if the whole was —

Hark ye, Lewis, my misanthropy increases every day. — The
longer I live, I find the folly and the fraud of mankind grow
more and more intolerable. — I wish I had not come from
Brambleton Hall. After havin^- lived in solitude so long, I
cannot bear the hurry and impertinence of the multitude ; be-
sides, everything is sophisticated in these crowded places.
Snares are laid for our lives in everything we eat or drink;
the very air we breathe is loaded with contagion. We cannot
even sleep, without risk of infection. I say infection — this

HUMPHRY CLINKER

place is the rendezvous of the diseased — you won't deny that
many diseases are infectious ; even the consumption itself is
highly infectious. When a person dies of it in Italy, the bed
and bedding are destroyed ; the other furniture is exposed to
the weather, and the apartment whitewashed, before it is occu-
pied by any other living soul. You'll allow, that nothing re-
ceives infection sooner, or retains it longer, than blankets,
feather-beds, and mattresses. — 'Sdeath ! how do I know what
miserable objects have been stewing in the bed where I now
lie! — I wonder, Dick, you did not put me in mind of sending
for my own mattresses — But, if I had not been an ass, I should
not have needed a remeipbrancer. There is always some
plaguy reflection that rises up in judgment against me, and
ruffles my spirits — therefore, let us change the subject.

I have other reasons for abridging my stay at Bath. You
know Sister Tabby's complexion — If Mrs. Tabitha Bramble
had been of any other race, I should certainly have looked
upon her as the most — . But the truth is, she has found
means to interest my affection; or rather, she is beholden to
the force of prejudice, commonly called the ties of blood.
Well, this amiable maiden has actually commenced a flirting
correspondence with an Irish baronet of sixty-five. His name
is Sir Ulic Mackilligut. He is said to be much out at elbows ;
and, I believe, has received false intelligence with respect to
her fortune. Be that as it may, the connexion is exceedingly
ridiculous, and begins already to excite whispers. — For my
part, I have no intention to dispute her free agency : though
I shall fall upon some expedient to undeceive her paramour
as to the point which he has principally in view. But I don't
think her conduct is a proper example for Liddy, who has also
attracted the notice of some coxcombs in the rooms ; and Jerry
tells me, he suspects a strapping fellow, the knight's nephew,
of some design upon the girl's heart. I shall, therefore, keep
a strict eye over her aunt and her, and even shift the scene, if I
find the matter grow more serious. — You perceive what an
agreeable task it must be, to a man of my kidney, to have the
cure of such souls as these. — But, hold, you shall not have
another peevish word, till the next occasion, from yours,

Bath, April 28. Matt. Bramble.

THE EXPEDITION OF

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus Coll., Oxon.

Dear Knight, — I think those people are unreasonable, who
complain that Bath is a contracted circle, in which the same
dull scenes perpetually revolve, without variation. — I am, on
the contrary, amazed to find so small a place so crowded with
entertainment and variety. London itself can hardly exhibit
one species of diversion to which we have not something
analogous at Bath, over and above those singular advantages
that are peculiar to the place. Here, for example, a man has
daily opportunities of seeing the most remarkable characters
of the community. He sees them in their natural attitudes
and true colours, descended from their pedestals, and divested
of their formal draperies, undisguised by art and aiTectation.
— Here we have ministers of state, judges, generals, bishops,
projectors, philosophers, wits, poets, players, chemists, fid-
dlers, and buffoons. If he makes any considerable stay in the
place, he is sure of meeting with some particular friend whom
he did not expect to see; and to me there is nothing more
agreeable than such casual rencontres. — Another entertain-
ment, peculiar to Bath, arises from the general mixture of all
degrees assembled in our public rooms, without distinction of
rank or fortune. This is what my uncle reprobates as a mon-
strous jumble of heterogeneous principles ; a vile mob of noise
and impertinence, without decency and subordination. But
this chaos is to me a source of infinite amusement.

I was extremely diverted, last ball-night, to see the master
of the ceremonies leading with great solemnity, to the upper
end of the room, an antiquated Abigail, dressed in her lady's
cast clothes ; whom he, I suppose, mistook for some countess
just arrived at the bath. The ball was opened by a Scotch
lord, with a mulatto heiress, from St. Christopher's ; and the
gay Colonel Tinsel danced all the evening with the daughter
of an eminent tinman from the borough of Southwark. —
Yesterday morning, at the pump-room, I saw a broken-winded
Wapping landlady squeeze through a circle of peers, to salute
her brandy merchant, who stood by the window, propped upon
crutches ; and a paralytic attorney of Shoe Lane, in shuffling
up to the bar, kicked the shi'.is of the Chancellor of England,
while his lordship, in a cut bob, drank a glass of water at the
pump. I cannot account for my being pleased with these in-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

cidents any other way than by saylnp;- they are truly ridiculous
in their own nature, and serve to hei<T^htcn the humour in the
farce of life, which I am determined to enjoy as long as I can.

Those follies that move my uncle's spleen excite my laugh-
ter. He is as tender as a man without a skin, who cannot
bear the slightest touch without flinching. What tickles an-
other would give him torment ; and yet he has what we may
call lucid intervals, when he is remarkably facetious. — Indeed,
I never knew a hypochondriac so apt to be infected with good-
humour. He is the most risible misanthrope I ever met witlfj
A lucky joke, or any ludicrous incident, will set him in a laugh-
ing immoderately, even in one of his most gloomy paroxysms ;
and, when the laugh is over, he will curse his own imbecility.
In conversing with strangers, he betrays no marks of disquiet
— he is splenetic with his familiars only; and not even with
them, while they keep his attention employed ; but when his
spirits are not exerted externally, they seem to recoil, and prey
upon himself. — He has renounced the waters with execration ;
but he begins to find a more efficacious, and, certainly, a much
more palatable remedy, in the pleasures of society. He has
discovered some old friends among the invalids of Bath ; and,
in particular, renewed his acquaintance with the celebrated
James Quin, who certainly did not come here to drink water.
You cannot doubt but that I had the strongest curiosity to
know this original ; and it was gratified by Mr. Bramble, who
has had him twice at our house to dinner.

So far as I am able to judge, Ouin's character is rather
more respectable than it has been generally represented. His
bon-mots are in every witling's mouth ; but many of them
have a rank flavour, which one would be apt to think was de-
rived from a natural grossness of idea. I suspect, however,
that justice has not been done the author, by the collectors of
those Quiniana, who have let the best of them slip through
their fingers, and only retained such as were suited to the taste
and organs of the multitude. How far he may relax in his
hours of jollity I cannot pretend to say; but his general con-
versation is conducted by the nicest rules of propriety; and
Mr. James Quin is certainly one of the best bred men in the
kingdom. He is not only a most agreeable companion, but,
as I am credibly informed, a very honest man; highly sus-

THE EXPEDITION OF,

ceptible of friendship, warm, steady, and even generous in his
attachments; disdaining flattery, and incapable of meanness
and dissimulation. Were I to judge, however, from Quin's
eye alone, I should take him to be proud, insolent, and cruel.
There is something remarkably severe and forbidding in his
aspect ; and, I have been told, he was ever disposed to insult
his inferiors and dependants. Perhaps that report has influ-
enced my opinion of his looks. You know we are the fools
of prejudice. Howsoever that may be, I have as yet seen
nothing but his favourable side ; and my uncle, who frequently
confers with him in a corner, declares he is one of the most
sensible men he ever knew. He seems to have a reciprocal
regard for old Squaretoes, whom he calls by the familiar name
of Matthew, and often reminds of their old tavern adventures.
On the other hand, Matthew's eyes sparkle whenever Quin
makes his appearance. Let him be never so jarring and dis-
cordant, Quin puts him in tune; and, like treble and bass in
the same concert, they make excellent music together. T'other
day the conversation turning upon Shakspeare, I could not
help saying, with some emotion, that I would give an hundred
guineas to see Mr. Quin act the part of Falstaff ; upon which,
turning to me with a smile, " And I would give a thousand,
young gentleman," said he, " that I could gratify your long-
ing." My uncle and he are perfectly agreed in their estimate
of life, which, Quin says, would stink in his nostrils, if he did
not steep it in claret.

I want to see this phenomenon in his cups; and have al-
most prevailed upon uncle to give him a small turtle at the
Bear. In the meantime I must entertain you with an incident
that seems to confirm the judgment of' those two cynic philos-
ophers. I took the liberty to differ in opinion from Mr.
Bramble, when he observed, that the mixture of people in
the entertainments of this place was destructive of all order
and urbanity ; that it rendered the plebeians insuflferably arro-
gant and troublesome, and vulgarised the deportment and
sentiments of those who moved in the upper spheres of life.
He said, such a preposterous coalition would bring us into
contcm])t with all our neighbours ; and was worse in fact than
debasing the gold coin of the nation. I argued, on the con-
trary, that those plebeians who discovered such eagerness to

HUMPHRY CLINKER

imitate the dress and equipage of their superiors, would hke-
wise, in time, adopt their maxims and their manners, be pol-
ished by their conversation, and refined by their example ; and
when I appealed to Mr. Quin, and asked if he did not think
that such an unreserved mixture would improve the whole
mass, '' Yes," said he, '* as a plate of marmalade would im-
prove a pan of sir-reverence."

I owned I was not much conversant in high life, but I had
seen what were called polite assemblies in Lx)ndon and else-
where ; that those of Bath seemed to be as decent as any ; and
that, upon the whole, the individuals that composed it, would
not be found deficient in good manners and decorum. " But
let us have recourse to experience," said I — '' Jack Holder,
who was intended for a parson, has succeeded to an estate of
two thousand a year, by the death of his elder brother. He
is now at the Bath, driving about in a phaeton and four, with
French horns. He has treated with turtle and claret at all
the taverns in Bath and Bristol, till his guests are gorged
with good cheer. He has bought a dozen suits of fine clothes,
by the advice of the master of the ceremonies, under whose
tuition he has entered himself. He has lost some hundreds at
billiards to sharpers, and taken one of the nymphs of Avon
Street into keeping; but finding all these channels insufficient
to drain him of his current cash, his counsellor has engaged
him to give a general tea-drinking to-morrow at Wiltshire's
room. In order to give it the more eclat, every table is to be
furnished with sweetmeats and nosegays; which, however,
are not to be touched till notice is given by the ringing of a
bell, and then the ladies may help themselves without restric-
tion. This will be no bad way of trying the company's breed-
ing"—

" I will abide by that experiment," cried my uncle, " and
if 1 could find a place to stand secure without the vortex of
the tumult, which I know will ensue, I would certainly go
thither and enjoy the scene." Quin proposed that we should
take our station in the music gallery ; and we took his advice.
Holder had got thither before us, with his horns perdue ; but
we were admitted. The tea-drinking passed as usual; and
the company having risen from the tables, were sauntering
in groups in expectation of the signal for attack, when the

THE EXPEDITION OF

bell beginning to ring, they flew with eagerness to the dessert,
and the whole place was instantly in commotion. There was
nothing but jostling, scrambUng, pulling, snatching, strug-
gling, scolding, and screaming. The nosegays were torn from
one another's hands and bosoms; the glasses and china went
to wreck; the tables and floor were strewed with comfits.
Some cried, some swore, and the tropes and figures of Bil-
lingogatc were used without reserve in all their native zest
and flavour; nor were those flowers of rhetoric unattended
with significant gesticulation. Som.e snapped their fingers,
some forked them out, some clapped their hands, and some
their backsides; at length they fairly proceeded to pulling
caps, and everything seemed to presage a general battle ; when
Holder ordered his horns to sound a charge, with a view to
animate the combatants and inflame the contest; but this
manoeuvre produced an effect quite contrary to what he ex-
pected. It was a note of reproach that roused them to an
immediate sense of their disgraceful situation. They were
ashamed of their absurd deportment, and suddenly desisted.
They gathered up their caps, ruflles, and handkerchiefs, and
great part of them retired in silent mortification.

Quin laughed at this adventure; but my uncle's delicacy
was hurt. He hung his head in manifest chagrin, and seemed
to repine at the triumph of his judgment. Indeed, his victory
was more complete than he imagined; for, as we afterwards
learned, the two amazons who signalised themselves most in
the action, did not come from the purlieus of Puddledock,
but from the courtly neighbourhood of St. James's Palace.
One was a baroness, and the other a wealthy knight's dow-
ager. My uncle spoke not a word, till we had made our re-
treat good to the cofTee-housc; where, taking oflf his hat, and
wiping his forehead, '* I bless God," said he, " that Mrs.
Tabitha Bramble did not take the field to-day ! " — *' I would
piL her for a cool hundred," cried Quin, " against the best
shake-bag of the whole nidhi." The truth is, nothing could
have kept her at home but tlie accident of her having taken
physic before she knew the nature of the entertainment. She
has been for some days furbishing up an old suit of black
velvet, to make her appearance as Sir Ulic's partner at the
next ball.

,52

HUMPHRY CLINKER

1 have much to say of this amiable kinswoman ; but she has
not been properly introduced to your acquaintance. She is
remarkably civil to Mr. Quin; of whose sarcastic humour she
seems to stand in awe ; but her caution is no match for her
impertinence. " Mr. Gwynn," said she, the other day, *' J
was once vastly entertained with your playing the Ghost of
Gimlet, at Drury Lane, when you rose up through the stage,
with a white face and red eyes, and spoke of quails upon the
frightful porcupine. Do, pray, spout a little the Ghost of
Gimlet." — " Madam," said Quin, with a glance of ineffable
disdain, " the Ghost of Gimlet is laid, never to rise again."
Insensible of this check, she proceeded : '' Well, to be sure,
you looked and talked so like a real ghost ; and then the cock
crowed so natural — I wonder how you could teach him to
crow so exact in the very nick of time ; but I suppose he's
game — an't he game, Mr. Gwynn ? " — " Dunghill, madam." —
" Well, dunghill or not dunghill, he has got such a clear
counter-tenor, that I wish I had such another at Brambleton
Hall, to wake the maids of a morning. Do you know where
I could find one of his brood ? " — '' Probably in the work-
house of St. Giles's parish, madam ; but I protest I know not
his particular mew." My uncle, frying with vexation, cried,
" Good God, sister, how you talk ! I have told you twenty
tinges that this gentleman's name is not Gwynn " — '' Hoity,
toity, brother of mine," she replied, '* no offence, 1 hope —
Gwynn is an honourable name, of true old British extraction
— I thought the gentleman had come of Mrs. Helen Gwynn,
Vv'ho was of his own profession; and if so be that were the
case, he might be of King Charles's breed, and have royal
blood in his veins " — " No, madam," answered Quin, with
great solemnity, " my mother was not a whore of such dis-
tinction. True it is, I am sometimes tempted to believe my-
self of royal descent; for my inclinations are often arbitrary.
If I was an absolute prince at this instant, I believe I should
send for the head of your cook in a charger. She has com-
mitted felony on the person of that John Dory; which is
mangled in a cruel manner, and even presented without sauce.
O temp or a! O mores!''

This good-humoured sally turned the conversation into a
less disagreeable channel — But, lest you should think my

THE EXPEDITION OF

scribble as tedious as Mrs. Tabby's clack, I shall not add
another word, but that I am as usual, Yours,

Bath, April 30. J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Lewis,, — I received your bill upon Wiltshire, which
was punctually honoured; but, as I don't choose to keep so
much cash by me in a common lodging-house, I have depos-
ited £250 in the bank of Bath, and shall take their bills for
it on London, when I leave this place, where the season draws
to an end. — You must know, that now being afoot, I am re-
solved to give Liddy a glimpse of London. She is one of the
best-hearted creatures I ever knew, and gains upon my affec-
tion every day. — As for Tabby, I have dropped such hints
to the Irish baronet, concerning her fortune, as, I make no
doubt, will cool the ardour of his addresses. Then her pride
will take the alarm ; and the rancour of stale maidenhood
being chafed, we shall hear nothing but slander and abuse of
Sir Ulic Mackilligut. This rupture, I foresee, will facilitate
our departure from Bath ; where, at present, Tabby seems to
enjoy herself with peculiar satisfaction. For my part, I
detest it so much, that I should not have been able to stay so
long in the place, if I had not discovered some old friends,
whose conversation alleviates my disgust. Going to the cof-
fee-house one forenoon, I could not help contemplating the
company, with equal surprise and compassion. We consisted
of thirteen individuals ; seven lamed by the gout, rheumatism,
or palsy ; three maimed by accident ; and the rest either deaf
or blind. One hobbled, another hopped, a third dragged his
legs after him like a wounded snake, a fourth straddled be-
twixt a pair of long crutches, like the mummy of a felon
hanging in chains; a fifth was bent into an horizontal posi-
tion, like a mounted telescope, shoved in by a couple of chair-
men ; and a sixth was the bust of a man, set upright in a
wheel machine, which the waiter moved from place to place.

Being struck with some of their faces, I consulted the sub-
scription-book ; and, perceiving the names of several old
friends, began to consider the group with more attention. At
length I discovered Rcar-Admiral Balderick, the companion

, 54

HUMPHRY CLINKER

of my youth, whom I had not seen since he was
appointed Heutenant of the Severn. He was metamor-
phosed into an old man, with a wooden leg and a weather-
beaten face ; which appeared the more ancient from his grey
locks, that were truly venerable. — Sitting down at the table,
wherq he was reading a newspaper, I gazed at him for some
minutes, with a mixture of pleasure and regret, which made
my heart gush with tenderness ; then, taking him by the hand,
'• Ah, Sam," said I, *' forty years ago I little thought " — I
was too much moved to proceed. — " An old friend, sure
enough ! *' cried he, squeezing my hand, and surveying mc
eagerly through his glasses, " I know the looming of the ves-
sel, though she has been hard strained since we parted ; but
I can't heave up the name " — The moment I told him who I
was, he exclaimed, '' Ha ! Matt, my old fellow-cruiser, still
afloat ! '' and, starting up, hugged me in his arms. His trans-
port, however, boded me no good ; for, in saluting me, he
thrust the spring of his spectacles into my eye, and, at the
same time, set his wooden stump upon my gouty toe; an
attack that made me shed tears in sad earnest. — After the
hurry of our recognition was over, he pointed out two of
our common friends in the room. The bust was what re-
mained of Colonel Cockril, who had lost the use of his limbs
in making an American campaign; and the telescope proved
to be my college chum, Sir Reginald Bentley, who, with his
new title and unexpected inheritance, commenced fox-hunter,
without having served his apprenticeship to the mystery; and,
in consequence of following the hounds through a river, was
seized with an inflammation in his bowels, which has con-
tracted him into his present attitude.

Our former correspondence was forthwith renewed, with
the most hearty expressions of mutual goodwill ; and, as we
had met so unexpectedly, we agreed to dine together that
very day at the tavern. My friend Quin, being luckily un-
engaged, obliged us with his company; and, truly, this was
the most happy day I have passed these twenty years. You
and I, Lewis, having been always together, never tasted
friendship in this high go\xi, contracted from long absence. I
cannot express the half of what I felt at this casual meeting
of three or four companions, who had been so long separated,

THE EXPEDITION OF

and so roughly treated by the storms of hfe. It was a renova-
tion of youth ; a kind of resuscitation of the dead, that reaUsed
those interesting dreams in which we sometimes retrieve our
ancient friends from the grave. Perhaps my enjoyment was
not the less pleasing for being mixed wuth a strain of melan-
choly, produced by the remembrance of past scenes, that con-
jured up the ideas of some endearing connexions, which the
hand of death has actually dissolved.

The spirits and good-humour of the company seemed to
triumph over the wreck of their constitutions. They had
even philosophy enough to joke upon their own calamities;
such is the power of friendship, the sovereign cordial of life.
I afterwards found, however, that they were not without their
moments and even hours of disquiet. Each of them apart, in
succeeding conferences, expatiated upon his own particular
grievances ; and they were all malcontents at bottom. Over
and above their personal disasters, they thought themselves
unfortunate in the lottery of life. Balderick complained, that
all the recompense he had received for his long and hard
service was the haif-pay of a rear-admiral. The colonel was
mortified to see himself overtopped by upstart generals, some
of whom he had once commanded ; and, being a man of a
liberal turn, could ill put up with a moderate annuity, for
which he had sold his commission. As for the baronet, hav-
ing run himself considerably in debt, on a contested election,
he has been obliged to relinquish his seat in parliament, and
his seat in the country at the same time, and put his estate to
nurse. But his chagrin, which is the effect of his own mis-
conduct, docs not affect me half so much as that of the other
two, who have acted honoural)lc and distinguished parts on
the great theatre, and are now reduced to lead a weary life
in this stewpan of idleness and insignificance. They have
long left off using the waters, after having experienced their
inefficacy. The diversions of the place they are not in a con-
dition to enjoy. How then do they make shift to pass their
time? In the forenoon they crawl out to the rooms or the
coffee-house, where they take a hand at whist, or descant upon
the General Advertiser ; and their evenings they murder in
private parties, among ])ccvish invalids, and insipid old wom-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

en. This Is the case with a good number of individuals,
whom nature seems to have intended for better purposes.

About a dozen years ago, many decent famiHes, restricted
to small fortunes, besides those that came hither on the score
of health, were tempted to settle at Bath, where they could
then live comfortably, and even make a genteel appearance at
a small expense. But the madness of the times has made
the place too hot for them, and they are now obliged to think
of other migrations. Some have already fled to the mountains
of Wales, and others have retired to Exeter. Thither, no
doubt, they will be followed by the flood of luxury and ex-
travagance, which will drive them from place to place to the
very Land's End ; and there, I suppose, they will be obliged
to ship themselves to some other country. Bath is become a
mere sink of profligacy and extortion. Every article of house-
keeping is raised to an enormous price; a circumstance no
longer to be wondered at, when we know that every petty
retainer of fortune piques himself upon keeping a table, and
thinks it is for the honour of his character to wink at the
knavery of his servants, who are in a confederacy with the
market people, and of consequence pay whatever they de-
mand. Here is now a mushroom of opulence, who pays a
cook seventy guineas a week for furnishing him with one
meal a day. This portentous frenzy is become so contagious,
that the very rabble and refuse of mankind are infected. I
have known a negro-driver, from Jamaica, pay overnight,
to the master of one of the rooms, sixty-five guineas for tea
and cofifee to the company, and leave Bath next morning, in
such obscurity, that not one of his guests had the slightest
idea of his person, or even made the least inquiry about his
name. Incidents of this kind are frequent ; and every day
teems w4th such absurdities, which are too gross to make a
thinking man merry. But I feel the spleen creeping on me
apace, and therefore will indulge you with a cessation, that
you may have no unnecessary cause to curse your corre-
spondence with. Dear Dick,

Yours ever,

Bath, May 5. Matt. Bramble.

THE EXPEDITION OF

To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester.

My dear Letty, — I wrote you at great length by the post,
the twenty-sixth of last month, to which I refer you for an
account of our proceedings at Bath; and I expect your an-
swer with impatience. But having this opportunity of a
private hand, I send you two dozen of Bath rings, six of the
best of which I desire you will keep for yourself, and dis-
tribute the rest among the young ladies, our common friends,
as you shall think proper. I don't know how much you will
approve of the mottos; some of them are not to my own
liking, but I was obliged to take such as I could find ready
manufactured. I am vexed that neither you nor I have re-
ceived any further information of a certain person; sure it
can't be wilful neglect! O my dear Willis! I begin to be
visited by strange fancies, and to have some melancholy
doubts, which, however, it would be ungenerous to harbour
without further inquiry. My uncle, who has made me a
present of a very fine set of garnets, talks of treating us with
a jaunt to London, which, you may imagine, will be highly
agreeable ; but I like Bath so well, that I hope he won't think
of leaving it till the season is quite over, and yet, betwixt
friends, something has happened to my aunt which will prob-
ably shorten our stay in this place.

Yesterday, in the forenoon, she w^ent by herself to a break-
fasting in one of the rooms, and in half an hour returned in
great agitation, having Chowder along with her in the chair.
I believe some accident must have happened to that unlucky
animal, which is the great source of all her troubles. Dear
Lctty! what a pity it is that a woman of her years and dis-
cretion should place her affection upon such an ugly ill-con-
ditioned cur, that snarls and snaps at everybody. I asked
John Thomas, the footman who attended her, what was the
matter? and he did nothing but grin. A famous dog doctor
was sent for, and undertook to cure the patient, provided he
might carry him home to his own house ; but his mistress
would not part with him out of her own sight. She ordered
the cook to warm cloths, which she applied to his bowels with
her own hand. She gave up all thoughts of going to the ball
in the evening, and when Sir Ulic came to drink tea, refused

, 58

HUMPHRY CLINKER

to be seen, so that he went away to look for another partner.
My brother Jerry whistles and dances. My uncle sometimes
shrugs up his shoulders, and sometimes bursts out a-laugh-
ing. My aunt sobs and scolds by turns, and her woman Win.
Jenkins stares and wonders with a foolish face of curiosity;
and for my part I am as curious as she, but ashamed to ask
questions.

Perhaps time will discover the mystery, for if it was any-
thing that happened in the rooms, it can't be long concealed.
All I know is, that last night at supper, Miss Bramble spoke
very disdainfully of Sir Ulic Mackilligut, and asked her
brother if he intended to keep us sweltering all the summer
at pjath ? " No, sister Tabitha," said he, with an arch smile,
" we shall retreat before the dog-days begin, though I make
no doubt, that, with a little temperance and discretion, our
constitutions might be kept cool enough all the year, even at
Bath." As I don't know the meaning of this insinuation, I
won't pretend to make any remarks upon it at present ; here-
after, perhaps, I may be able to explain it more to your satis-
faction ; in the meantime, I beg you will be punctual in your
correspondence, and continue to love your ever faithful

Bath, May 6. Lydia Melford.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus Coll., Oxon.

So then Mrs. Blackerby's affair has proved a false alarm,
and I have saved my money? I wish, however, her declara-
tion had not been so premature, for though my being thought
capable of making her a mother might have given me some
credit, the reputation of an intrigue with such a cracked
pitcher does me no honour at all. In my last I told you I had
hopes of seeing Quin in his hours of elevation at the tavern,
which is the temple of mirth and good fellowship, where he,
as priest of Comus, utters the inspirations of wit and humour ;
I have had that satisfaction. I have dined with his club at
the Three Tuns, and had the honour to sit him out. At half
an hour past eight in the evening, he was carried home with
six good bottles of claret under his belt ; and, it being then
Friday, he gave orders that he should not be disturbed till
Sunday at noon. You must not imagine that this dose had

THE EXPEDITION OF

any other effect upon his conversation, but that of making it
more extravagantly entertaining. He had lost the use of his
limbs, indeed, several hours before we parted, but he retained
all his other faculties in perfection, and, as he gave vent to
every whimsical idea as it rose, I was really astonished at the
brilliancy of his thoughts, and the force of his expression.
Quin is a real voluptuary in the articles of eating and drink-
ing, and so confirmed an epicure, in the common acceptation
of the term, that he cannot put up with ordinary fare. This
is a point of such importance with him, that he always takes
upon himself the charge of catering ; and a man admitted to
his mess is always sure of eating delicate victuals, and drink-
ins: excellent wine. He owns himself addicted to the delights
of the stomach, and often jokes upon his own sensuality; but
there is nothing selfish in his appetite. He finds that good
cheer unites good company, exhilarates the spirits, opens the
heart, banishes all restraint from conversation, and promotes
the happiest purposes of social life. But Mr. James Quin
is not a subject to be discussed in the compass of one letter.
I shall therefore, p.t present, leave him to his repose, and call
in another of a very dififerent complexion.

You desire to have further acquaintance with the person
of OLir aunt, and promise yourself much entertainment from
her connexion with Sir Ulic Mackilligut, but in this hope you
are balked already — that connexion is dissolved. The Irish
baronet is an old hound, that, finding her carrion, has quitted
the scent. I have already told you, that Mrs. Tabitha Bram-
ble is a maiden of forty-five. In her person, she is tall, raw-
boned, awkward, flat-chested, and stooping ; her complexion is
sallow and freckled ; her eyes are not grey, but greenish, like
those of a cat, and generally inflamed ; her hair is of a sandy,
or rather dusty hue ; her forehead low ; her nose long, sharp,
and, towards the extremity, always red in cool weather ; her
lips skinny, her mouth extensive, her teeth straggling and
loose, of various colours and conformation ; and her long neck
shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles. In her temper, she is
l)roud, stiff, vain, imperious, prying, malicious, greedy, and
uncharitable. In all likelihood her natural austerity has been
soured by disap[)ointment in love, for her long celibacy is by
no means owing to her dislike of matrimony; on the con-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

trary, she has left no stone unturned to avoid the reproachful
epithet of old maid.

Before T was born, she had gone such lengths in the way of
ilirting with a recruiting officer, that her reputation was a
little singed. She afterwards made advances to the curate of
the parish, who dropped some distant hints about the next
presentation to the living, which was in her brother's gift ;
but finding that was already promised to another, he flew off
at a tangent; and Mrs. Tabby, in revenge, found means to
deprive him of his cure. Her next lover was a lieutenant of
a man-of-war, a relation of the family, who did not under-
stand the refinements of the passion, and expressed no aver-
sion to grapple with cousin Tabby in the way of marriage;
but before matters could be properly adjusted, he went out
on a cruise, and was killed in an engagement with a French
frigate. Our aunt, though baffled so often, did not yet de-
spair. She laid all her snares for Dr. Lewis, who is the fidus
Achates of my uncle. She even fell sick upon the occasion,
and prevailed with Matt, to interpose in her behalf with his
friend ; but the doctor being a shy cock, would not be caught
with chaff, and flatly rejected the proposal. So that Mrs.
Tabitha was content to exert her patience once more, after
having endeavoured in vain to effect a rupture betwixt the
two friends ; and now she thinks proper to be very civil to
Lewis, who is become necessary to her in the way of his pro-
fession.

These, however, are not the only efforts she has made to-
wards a nearer conjunction with our sex. Her fortune was
originally no more than a thousand pounds ; but she gained
an accession of five hundred by the death of a sister, and the
lieutenant left her three hundred in his will. These sums
she has more than doubled, by living free of all expense, in
her brother's house, and dealing in cheese and Welsh flannel,
the produce of his stock and dairy. At present her capital is
increased to about four thousand pounds ; and her avarice
seems to grow every da^'' more and more rapacious. But even
this is not so intolerable as the perverseness of her nature,
Avhich keeps the whole family in disquiet and uproar. She
is one of those geniuses who find some diabolical enjoyment
in being dreaded and detested by their fellow-creatures.

THE EXPEDITION OF

I once told my uncle, I was surprised that a man of his
disposition could bear such a domestic plague, when it could
be so easily removed. The remark made him sore, because it
seemed to tax him with want of resolution. Wrinkling up
his nose, and drawing down his eyebrows, " A young fellow,"
said he, " when he first thrusts his snout into the world, is apt
to be surprised at many things which a man of experience
kno\vs to be ordinary and unavoidable. This precious aunt
of yours is become insensibly a part of my constitution —
D — n her, she's a noli me tangere in my flesh, which I cannot
bear to be touched or tampered with." I made no reply ; but
shifted the conversation. He really has an aflfection for this
original, which maintains its ground in defiance of common
sense, and in despite of that contempt which he must certainly
feel for her character and understanding. Nay, I am con-
vinced, that she has likewise a most violent attachment to his
person ; though her love never shows itself but in the shape
of discontent ; and she persists in tormenting him out of sheer
tenderness. The only object within doors upon which she
bestows any marks of affection, in the usual style, is her dog
Chowder, a filthy cur from Newfoundland, which she had
in a present from the wife of a skipper in Swansea. One
would imagine she had distinguished this beast with her
favour on account of his ugliness and ill-nature ; if it was not,
indeed, an instinctive sympathy between his disposition and
her own. Certain it is, she caresses him without ceasing; and
even harasses the family in the service of this cursed animal,
which, indeed, has proved the proximate cause of her breach
with Sir Ulic Mackilligut.

You must know, she yesterday wanted to steal a march of
poor Liddy, and went to breakfast in the room, without any
other companion than her dog, in expectation of meeting with
the baronet, who had agreed to dance with her in the evening.
— Chowder no sooner made his appearance in the room, than
the master of the ceremonies, incensed at his presumption,
ran up to drive him away, and threatened him with his foot ;
hut the other seemed to despise his authority, and, displaying
a formidable case of long, white, sharp teeth, kept the puny
monarch at bay. While he stood under some trepidation,
fronting his antagonist, and bawling to the waiter, Sir Ulic

HUMPHRY CLINKER

Mackilligut came to his assistance; and, seeming ignorant of
the connexion between this intruder and his mistress, gave
the former such a kick in the jaws, as sent him howling to
the door. Mrs. Tabitha, incensed at this outrage, ran after
him, squalHng in a tone equally disagreeable ; while the bar-
onet followed her on one side, making apologies for his mis-
take; and Derrick, on the other, making remonstrances upon
the rules and regulations of the place.

Far from being satisfied with the knight's excuses, she said
she was sure he was no gentleman; and when the master of
the ceremonies offered to hand her into the chair, she rapped
him over the knuckles with her fan. My uncle's footman
being still at the door, she and Chowder got into the same
vehicle, and were carried off amidst the jokes of the chainnen
and other populace. I had been riding out on Clerkendown,
and happened to enter just as the fracas was over. The bar-
onet, coming up to miC with an affected air of chagrin, re-
counted the adventure ; at which I laughed heartily, and then
his countenance cleared up. " My dear soul," said he, " when
I saw a sort of wild baist, snarling with open mouth at the
master of the ceremonies, like the red cow going to devour
Tom Thumb, I could not do less than go to the assistance of
the little man ; but I never dreamt the baist was one of Mrs.
Bramble's attendants — O ! if I had, he might have made his
breakfast upon Derrick, and welcome; but, you know, my
dear friend, how natural it is for us Irishmen to blunder, and
to take the wrong sow by the ear. However, I will confess
judgment, and cry her mercy; and 'tis to be hoped, a penitent
sinner may be forgiven." I told him, that as the offence was
not voluntary on his side, it was to be hoped he would not
find her implacable.

But, in truth, all this concern was dissembled. In his ap-
proaches of gallantry to Mrs. Tabitha, he had been misled by
a mistake of at least six thousand pounds in the calculation
of her fortune; and in this particular he was just undeceived.
He, therefore, seized the first opportunity of incurring her
displeasure decently, in such a manner as would certainly an-
nihilate the correspondence; and he could not have taken a
more effectual method, than that of beating her dog. When
he presented himself at our door, to pay his respects to the

THE EXPEDITION OF

offended fair, he was refused admittance ; and given to under-
stand that he should never find her at home for the future.
She was not so inaccessible to Derrick, who came to demand
satisfaction for the insult she had offered to him, even in the
verge of his own court. She knew it was convenient to be
well with the master of the ceremonies, while she continued
to frequent the rooms; and, having heard he was a poet, be-
gan to be afraid of making her appearance in a ballad or
lampoon. She therefore made excuses for what she had done,
imputing it to the flutter of her spirits ; and subscribed hand-
somely for his poems. So that he was perfectly appeased,
and overwhelmed her with a profusion of compliments. He
even solicited a reconciliation with Chowder, which, however,
the latter declined; and he declared, that if he could find a
precedent in the annals of the Bath, which he would carefully
examine for that purpose, her favourite should be admitted
to the next public breakfasting. But, I believe, she will not
expose herself or him to the risk of a second disgrace. Who
will supply the place of Mackilligut in her affections, I can-
not foresee; but nothing in the shape of a man can come
amiss. Though she is a violent church-woman, of the most
intolerant zeal, I believe in my conscience she would have no
objection, at present, to treat on the score of matrimony with
an Anabaptist, Quaker, or Jew ; and even ratify the treaty at
the expense of her own conversion. But, perhaps, I think too
hardly of this kinswoman ; who, I must own, is very little
beholden to the good opinion of, yours, J, Melford.

Bath, May 6th.

To Dr. Lewis.

You ask mc why I don't take the air a-horseback, during
this line weather? In which of the avenues of this paradise
would you have me take that exercise? Shall I commit my-
self to the high roads of London or Bristol, to be stifled with
dust, or pressed to death in the midst of post-chaises, flying-
machines, waggons, and coal-horses; besides the troops of
fine gentlemen that take to the highway, to show their horse-
manship; and the coaches of fine ladies, who go thither to
show their equipages? Shall I attempt the Downs, and fa-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

tigue myself to death in climbing up an eternal ascent, with-
out any hopes of reaching the summit? Know, then, I have
made divers desperate leaps at those upper regions ; but al-
ways fell backwards into this vapour-pit, exhausted and dis-
pirited by those ineffectual efforts; and here we poor valetu-
dinarians pant and struggle, like so many Chinese gudgeons,
gasping in the bottom of a punch-bowl. By Heaven, it is a
kind of enchantment! If I do not speedily break the spell,
and escape, I may chance to give up the ghost in this nause-
ous stew of corruption. — It was but two nights ago that I
had like to have made my public exit, at a minute's warning.
One of my greatest weaknesses, is that of suffering myself to
be overruled by the opinion of people whose judgment I de-
spise. I own, with shame and confusion of face, that im-
portunity of any kind I cannot resist. This want of courage
and constancy is an original flaw in my nature, which you
must have often observed with compassion, if not with con-
tempt. I am afraid some of our boasted virtues may be traced
up to this defect.

Without further preamble, I was persuaded to go to a ball,
on prupose to see Liddy dance a minuet with a young petu-
lant jackanapes, the only son of a wealthy undertaker from
London, whose mother lodges in our neighbourhood, and has
contracted an acquaintance with Tabby. I sat a couple of
long hours, half-stifled, in the midst of a noisome crowd, and
could not help wondering that so many hundreds of those that
rank as rational creatures, could find entertainment in seeing
a succession of insipid animals describing the same dull figure
for a whole evening, on an area not much bigger than a tai-
lor's shop- board. If there had been any beauty, grace, activ-
ity, magnificent dress, or variety of any kind, howsoever ab-
surd, to engage the attention and amuse the fancy, I should
not have been surprised; but there was no such object; it was
a tiresome repetition of the same languid frivolous scene,
performed by actors that seem.ed to sleep in all their motions.
The continual swimming of those phantoms before my eyes,
gave me a swimming of the head, which was also affected
by the fouled air, circulating through such a number of rotten
human bellows. I therefore retreated towards the door, and
stood in the passage to the next room, talking to my friend

• 65

THE EXPEDITION OF

Quln; when, an end being put to the minuets, the benches
were removed to make way for the country dances, and the
multitude rising at once, the whole atmosphere was put in
commotion. Then, all of a sudden, came rushing upon me
an Egyptian gale, so impregnated with pestilential vapours,
that my nerves were overpowered, and I dropped senseless
upon the floor.

Yon may easily conceive what a clamour and confusion
this accident must have produced in such an assembly. I
soon recovered, however, and found myself in an easy chair,
supported by my own people. Sister Tabby, in her great
tenderness, had put me to the torture, squeezing my head un-
der her arm, and stuffing my nose with spirit of hartshorn,
till the whole inside was excoriated. I no sooner got home

than I sent for Dr. Ch , who assured me I need not

be alarmed, for my swooning was entirely occasioned by an
accidental impression of fetid effluvia upon nerves of uncom-
mon sensibility. I know not how other people's nerves are
constructed, but one would imagine they must be made of
very coarse material, to stand the shock of such a horrid
assault.

It was indeed a compound of villanous smells, in which the
most violent stinks and the most powerful perfumes con-
tended for the mastery. Imagine to yourself a high exalted
essence of mingled odours arising from putrid gums, im-
posthumated lungs, sour flatulencies, rank arm-pits, sweating
feet, running sores and issues ; plasters, ointments, and em-
brocations, Hungary water, spirit of lavender, assafoetida
drops, musk, hartshorn, and sal volatile; besides a thousand
frowzy steams which I could not analyse. Such, O Dick ! is
the fragrant ether we breathe in the polite assemblies of
Bath ; such is the atmosphere I have exchanged for the pure,
elastic, animating air of the Welsh mountains. O Rus, quan-
do te aspiciam! I wonder what the devil possessed me — but
few words are best ; I have taken my resolution. You may
well suppose I don't intend to entertain the company with a
second exhibition. I have promised, in an evil hour, to pro-
ceed to London, and that promise shall be performed ; but my
stay in the metropolis shall be brief. I have, for the benefit
of my health, projected an expedition to the north, which I

HUMPHRY CLINKER

hope will afford some agreeable pastime. I have never trav-
elled farther that way than Scarborough, and I think it is a
reproach upon me, as a British freeholder, to have lived so
long without making an excursion to the other side of the
Tweed ; besides, I have some relations settled in Yorkshire,
to whom it may not be improper to introduce my nephew and
his sister. At present I have nothing to add, but that Tabby
is happily disentangled from the Irish baronet, and that I
will not fail to make you acquainted, from time to time, with
the sequel of our adventures, a mark of consideration which
perhaps you would willingly dispense with in

Your humble servant,
Bathj May 8. Matt. Bramble.

To Sir Watkin Phillips^ Bart, of Jesus Coll., O.xon.

Dear Phillips^ — A few days ago we were terribly alarmed
by my uncle's fainting at a ball — He has been ever since curs-
ing his own folly, for going thither at the request of an im-
pertinent woman. He declares he will sooner visit a house
infected with the plague, than trust himself in such a nause-
ous spital for the future, for he swears the accident was oc-
casioned by the stench of the crowd ; and that he would never
desire a stronger proof of our being made of very gross
materials, than our having withstood the annoyance by which
he was so much discomposed. For my part, I am very thank-
ful for the coarseness of my organs, being in no danger of
ever falling a sacrifice to the delicacy of my nose. Mr. Bram-
ble is extravagantly delicate in all his sensations, both of soul
and body. I was informed by Dr. Lewis, that he once fought
a duel with an officer of the horse guards, for turning aside
to the park wall on a necessary occasion, when he was passing
with a lady under his protection. His blood rises at every
instance of insolence and cruelty, even where he himself is
no way concerned ; and ingratitude makes his teeth chatter.
On the other hand, the recital of a generous, humane, or
grateful action, never fails to draw from him tears of appro-
bation, which he is often greatly distressed to conceal.

Yesterday, one Paunceford gave tea on particular invita-
tion. This man, after having been long buffeted by adversity,

THE EXPEDITION OF

went abroad; and fortune, resolved to make him amends for
her former coyness, set him all at once up to the very ears in
affluence. He has now emerged from obscurity, and blazes
out in all the tinsel of the times. I don't find that he is
charged with any practices that the law deems dishonest, or
that his wealth has made him arrogant or inaccessible ; on the
contrary, he takes great pains to appear affable and gracious.
But, they say, he is remarkable for shrinking from his former
friendships, which were generally too plain and homespun to
appear amidst his present brilliant connexions ; and that he
seems uneasy at sight of some old benefactors, whom a man
of honour would take pleasure to acknowledge. Be that as
it may, he had so effectually engaged the company at Bath,
that, when I went with my uncle to the coffee-house in the
evening, there was not a soul in the room but one person,
seemingly in years, who sat by the fire, reading one of the
papers. Mr. Bramble, taking his station close by him, " There
is such a crowd and confusion of chairs in the passage to
Simpson's," said he, '' that we could hardly get along. I wish
those minions of fortune would fall upon more laudable ways
of spending their money. I suppose, sir, you like this kind of
entertainment as little as I do ? " — " I can't say I have any
great relish for such entertainments," answered the other,
without taking his eyes off the paper. — " Mr. Serle," resumed
my uncle, " I beg pardon for interrupting you ; but I can't
resist the curiosity I have to know if you received a card on
this occasion ? "

The man seemed surprised at this address, and made some
pause, as doubtful what answer he should make. " I know
my curiosity is impertinent," added my uncle, " but I have a
particular reason for asking the favour." — " If that be the
case," replied Mr. Serle, *' I shall gratify you without hesita-
tion, by owning that I have had no card. But, give me leave,
sir, to ask, in my turn, what reason you think I have to expect
such an invitation from the gentleman who gives tea?" — '* I
have my ov/n reasons," cried Mr. Bramble, with some emo-
tion, " and am convinced more than ever, that this Paunceford
is a contemptible fellow." — " Sir," said the other, laying down
the paper, " I have not the honour to know you, but your dis-
course is a little mysterious, and seems to require some expla-

'^^h'

HUMPHRY CLINKER

nation. The person you are pleased to treat so cavalierly is a
gentleman of some consequence in the community ; and, for
aug-ht you know, I may also have my particular reasons for
defending his character " — '' If I was not convinced of the
contrary," observed the other, '' I should not have gone so
far " — ** Let me tell you, sir," said the stranger, raising his
voice, *' you have gone too far in hazarding such reflec-
tions "—

Here he was interrupted by my uncle ; who asked peevishly,
if he was Don Quixote enough at this time of day, to throw
down his gauntlet as champion for a man who had treated
him with such ungrateful neglect? "For my part," added
he, " I shall never quarrel with you again upon this subject;
and what I have said now has been suggested as much by my
regard for you, as by my contempt of him " — Mr. Serle
then, pulling off his spectacles, eyed my uncle very earnestly,
saying, in a mitigated tone, '' Surely I am much obliged — Ah,
Mr. Bramble, I now recollect your features, though I have
not seen you these many years." — " We might have been less
strangers to one another," answered the squire, " if our cor-
respondence had not been interrupted, in consequence of a
misunderstanding occasioned by this very — But no matter
— Mr. Serle, I esteem your character ; and my friendship,
such as it is, you may freely command." — " The offer is too
agreeable to be declined," said he ; " I embrace it very cor-
dially; and, as the first-fruits of it, request that you will
change this subject, which, with me, is a matter of peculiar
delicacy."

My uncle owned he was in the right, and the discourse took
a more general turn. Mr. Serle passed the evening with us
at our lodgings ; and appeared to be intelligent, and even en-
tertaining, but his disposition was rather of a melancholy hue.
My uncle says he is a man of uncommon parts and unques-
tioned probity; that his fortune, which was originally small,
has been greatly hurt by a romantic spirit of generosity,
which he has often displayed, even at the expense of his dis-
cretion, in favour of worthless individuals. That he had
rescued Paunceford from the lowest distress, when he was
bankrupt both in means and reputation. That he had es-
poused his interests with a degree of enthusiasm, broke with

THE EXPEDITION OF

several friends, and even drawn his sword against my uncle,
who had particular reasons for questioning the moral charac-
ter of the said Paunceford. That, without Serle's countenance
and assistance the other never could have embraced the oppor-
tunity, which has raised him to this pinnacle of wealth. That
Paunceford, in the first transports of his success, had written,
from abroad, letters to different correspondents, owning his
obligations to Mr. Serle, in the warmest terms of acknowledg-
ment, and declaring he considered himself only as a factor for
the occasions of his best friend. That, without doubt, he had
made declarations of the same nature to his benefactor him-
self, though this last was always silent and reserved on the
subject; but, for some years, those tropes and figures of rhet-
oric had been disused. That upon his return to England, he
had been lavish in his caresses to Mr. Serle, invited him to
his house, and pressed him to make it his own. That he had
overwhelmed him with general professions, and affected to
express the warmest regard for him, in company of their
common acquaintance; so that everybody believed his grati-
tude was as liberal as his fortune; and some went so far as
to congratulate Mr. Serle on both.

All this time Paunceford carefully and artfully avoided
particular discussions with his old patron, who had too much
spirit to drop the most distant hint of balancing the account
of obligation. That, nevertheless, a man of his feelings could
not but resent this shocking return for all his kindness ; and,
therefore, he withdrew himself from the connexion, without
coming to the least explanation, or speaking a syllable on the
subject to any living soul; so that now their correspondence
is reduced to a slight salute with the hat, when they chance
to meet in any public place ; an accident that rarely happens,
for their walks lie different ways. Mr. Paunceford lives in
a palace, feeds upon dainties, is arrayed in sumptuous apparel,
appears in all the pomp of equipage, and passes his time
among the nobles of the land. Serle lodges in Stall Street, up
two pair of stairs backwards, walks afoot in a Bath rug, eats
for twelve shillings a week, and drinks water as a preserva-
tive against the gout and gravel. — Mark the vicissitude.
Paunceford once resided in a garret ; where he subsisted upon
sheep's trotters and cow-heel, from which commons he was

HUMPHRY CLINKER

translated to the table of vSerle, that ever abounded witl
good cheer, until want of econoiny and retention reduced him
to a slender annuity in his decline of years, that scarce affords
the bare necessaries of life. Paunceford, however, does him
the honour to speak of him still with uncommon regard; and
to declare what pleasure it would give him to contribute in
any shape to his convenience. " But you know," he never
fails to add, " he's a shy kind of a man, — and then such a
perfect philosopher, that he looks upon all superfluities with
the most sovereign contempt."

Having given you this sketch of Squire Paunceford, I need
not make any comment on his character, but leave it at the
mercy of your own reflection ; from which, I dare say, it will
meet with as little quarter as it has found with

Yours always,

Bath, May lo. J. Melford.

To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Bramble ton Hall.

Dear Molly, — We are all upon the ving — Hey for Lon-
don, girl ! — Fecks ! we have been long enough here ; for we're
all turned tipsey-turvey. — Mistress has excarded Sir Ulic for
kicking of Chowder; and I have sent O Frizzle away, with a
flea in his ear. — I've shown him how little I minded his tinsy
and his long tail. — A fellor, who would think for to go for to
offer to take up with a dirty trollep under my nose. I ketched
him in the very fact, coming out of the house-maid's garret;
— but I have gi'en the dirty slut a siserary. O Molly ! the
sarvants at Bath are devils in garnet. They lite the candle at
both ends. Here's nothing but ginketting, and wasting, and
thieving, and tricking, and trigging; and then they are never
content. They won't suffer the squire and mistress to stay
any longer, because they have been already above three weeks
in the house, and they look for a couple of ginneys a piece at
our going away; and this is a parquisite they expect every
month in the season, being as how no family has a right to
stay longer than four weeks in the same lodgings; and so
the cuck swears she will pin the dish-clout to mistress's tail,
and the house-maid vows she'll put cow-itch in master's bed,
if so be he don't discamp without furder ado. I don't blame

THE EXPEDITION OF

.hem for making the most of their market, in the way of vails
and parquisites ; and I defy the devil to say I am a tail-carrier,
or ever brought a poor sarvant into trouble; — but then they
ought to have some conscience in vronging those that be
sarvants like themselves. — For you must no, Molly, I missed
three-quarters of blond lace, and a remnant of muslin, and
my silver thimble, which was the gift of true love ; they were
all in my work-basket, that I left upon the table in the sar-
vant's hall, when mistress's bell rung; but if they had been
under lock and kay, 'twould have been all the same, for there
are double kays to all the locks in Bath ; and they say as how
the very teeth an't safe in your head, if you sleep with your
mouth open. And so, says I to myself, them things could not
go without hands, and so Vll zvatch their waters; and so I did
with a vitness — for then it was I found Bett consarned with
O Frizzle. And as the cuck had thrown her slush at me, be-
cause I had taken part with Chowder, when he fit with the
turnspit, I resolved to make a clear kitchen, and throw some
of her fat into the fire.

I ketched the chirewoman going out with her load in the
morning, before she thought I was up, and brought her to
mistress with her whole cargo. Marry, what do'st think she
had got in the name of God ? Her buckets were foaming full
of our best beer, and her lap was stuffed with a cold tongue,
part of a buttock of beef, half a turkey, and a swinging lump
of butter, and the matter of ten moulded kandles, that had
scarce ever been lit. The cuck brazened it out, and said, it
was her rite to rummage the pantry, and she was ready for to
go before the mare ; that he had been her potticary many
years, and would never think of hurting a poor sarvant, for
giving away the scraps of the kitchen. I went another way
to work with Madam Betty, because she had been saucy, and
called me skandelus names ; and said O Frizzle couldn't abide
me, and twenty other odorous falsehoods. I got a varrant
from the mare, and her box being sarched by the constable,
my things came out sure enuff; besides a full pound of vax
candles, and a nite-cap of mistress, that I could sware to on
my crupcral oaf. O! then Madam Mopstick came upon her
mcrryboncs ; and as the squire wouldn't hare of a pursecu-

HUMPHRY CLINKER

tion, she escaped a skewering ; but, the longest day she has to
live, she'll remember your Humble servant,

Bath, May 15. Winefred Jenkins.

If the hind should come again, before we begone, pray
send me the shift and apron, with the vite gallow manky
shoes, which you'll find in my pillober. Service to Saul.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus Coll., Oxon.

You are in the right, dear Phillips; I don't expect regular
answers to every letter — I know a college life is too circum-
scribed to afford materials for such quick returns of commu-
nication. For my part, I am continually shifting the scene,
and surrounded with new objects, some of which are striking
enough. I shall therefore conclude my journal for your
amusement; and though, in all appearance, it will not treat
of very important or interesting particulars, it may prove,
perhaps, not altogether uninstructive and unentertaining.

The music and entertainments of Bath are over for this
season; and all our gay birds of passage have taken their
flight to Bristol Well, Tunbridge, Brighthelmstone, Scarbor-
ough, Harrowgate, etc. Not a soul is seen in this place, but
a few broken-winded parsons, waddling like so many crows
along the North Parade. There is always a great show of
clergy at Bath ; none of your thin, puny, yellow, hectic figures,
exhausted with abstinence and hard study, labouring under
the morbi eruditorum ; but great overgrown dignitaries and
rectors, with rubicund noses and gouty ankles, or broad
bloated faces, dragging along great swag bellies, the emblems
of sloth and indigestion.

Now we are upon the subject of parsons, I must tell you a
ludicrous adventure, which was achieved the other day by
Tom Eastgate, whom you may remember on the foundation
of Queen's. Pie had been very assiduous to pin himself upon
George Prankley, who was a gentleman commoner of Christ
Church, knowing the said Prankley was heir to a considerable
e::,tate, and would have the advowson of a good living, the in-
cumbent of which was very old and infirm. He studied his
passions, and flattered them so effectually, as to become his

THE EXPEDITION OF

companion and counsellor; and at last obtained of him a
promise of the presentation, when the living should fall.
Prankley, on his uncle's death, quitted Oxford, and made his
first appearance in the fashionable world at London; from
whence he came lately to Bath, where he has been exhibiting
himself among the bucks and gamesters of the place. East-
gate followed him hither ; but he should not have quitted him
for a moment, at his first emerging into life. He ought to
have known he was a fantastic, foolish, fickle fellow, who
would forget his college attachments the moment they ceased
appealing to his senses. Tom met with a cold reception from
his old friend ; and was, moreover, informed, that he had
promised the living to another man, who had a vote in the
county, where he proposed to offer himself a candidate at
the next general election. He now remembered nothing of
Eastgate, but the freedoms he had used to take with him,
while Tom had quietly stood his butt, with an eye to the bene-
fice; and those freedoms he began to repeat in commonplace
sarcasms on his person and his cloth, which he uttered in the
public coft"ee-house, for the entertainment of the company.
But he was egregiously mistaken in giving his own wit credit
for that tameness of Eastgate, which had been entirely owing
to prudential considerations. These being now removed, he
retorted his repartee with interest, and found no great diffi-
culty in turning the laugh upon the aggressor; who, losing
his temper, called him names, and asked, // he knew whom
he talked to? After much altercation, Prankley, shaking his
cane, bid him hold his tongue, otherwise he would dust his
cassock for him. *' I have no pretensions to such a varlet,"
said Tom, ** but if you should do me that office, and overheat
yourself, I have here a good oaken towel at your service."

Prankley was equally incensed and confounded at this re-
ply. After a moment's pause, he took him aside towards the
window, and, pointing to the clump of firs on Clerkendown,
asked in a whisper, if he had spirit enough to meet him there,
with a case of pistols, at six o'clock to-morrow morning?
Eastgate answered in the affirmative ; and, with a steady
countenance, assured him, he would not fail to give him t!"<e
rendezvous at the hour he mentioned. So saying, he retired ;
and the challenger stayed some time in manifest agitation. In

HUMPHRY CLINKER

the morning Eastgate, who knew his man, and had taken his
resolution, went to Prankley's lodgings, and roused him by
five o'clock.

The squire, in all probability, cursed his punctuality in his
heart, but he affected to talk big; and, having prepared his
artillery overnight, they crossed the water at the end of the
South Parade. In their progress up the hill, Prankley often
eyed the parson, in hopes of perceiving some reluctance in
his countenance ; but as no such marks appeared, he attempted
to intimidate him by word of mouth. "If these flints do their
office," said he, " I'll do thy business in a few minutes." — '' I
desire you will do your best," replied the other ; " for my part,
I come not here to trifle. Our lives are in the hands of God ;
and one of us already totters on the brink of eternity." This
remark seemed to make some impression upon the squire, who
changed countenance, and with a faltering accent observed,
" That it ill became a clergyman to be concerned in quarrels
and bloodshed." — '' Your insolence to me," said Eastgate,
" I should have bor[n]e with patience, had not you cast the
most infamous reflections upon my order, the honour of which
I think myself in duty bound to maintain, even at the expense
of my heart's blood ; and surely it can be no crime to put out
of the world a profligate wretch, without any sense of prin-
ciple, morality, or religion." — *' Thou mayest take away my
life," cried Prankley, in great perturbation, " but don't go to
murder my character — What ! hast got no conscience ? " —
*' My conscience is perfectly quiet," replied the other ; " and
now, sir, we are upon the spot — Take your ground as near as
you please ; prime your pistol ; and the Lord, of his infinite
mercy, have compassion upon your miserable soul ! "

This ejaculation he pronounced in a loud, solemn tone, with
his hat off, and his eyes lifted up ; then drawing a large horse-
pistol, he presented, and put himself in a posture of action.
Prankley took his distance, and endeavoured to prime; but
his hand shook with such violence, that he found this opera-
tion impracticable. His antagonist, seeing how it was with
him, offered his assistance, and advanced for that purpose;
when the poor squire, exceedingly alarmed at what he had
heard and seen, desired the action might be deferred till next
day, as he had not settled his affairs. " I ha'n't made my

THE EXPEDITION OF

will," said he; "my sisters are not provided for; and I just
now recollect an old promise, which my conscience tells me I
ought to perform — I'll first convince thee, that I'm not a
wretch without principle, and then thou shalt have an oppor-
tunity to take my life, which thou seemest to thirst after
eagerly."

Eastgate understood the hint; and told him, that one day
should break no squares ; adding, " God forbid that I should
be the means of hindering you from acting the part of an hon-
est man, and a dutiful brother." By virtue of this cessation,
they returned peaceably together. Prankley forthwith made
out the presentation of the living, and delivered it to Eastgate,
telling him, at the same time, he had now settled his affairs,
and v/as ready to attend him to the fir-grove ; but Tom de-
clared he could not think of lifting his hand against the life
of so great a benefactor. He did more. When they next met
at the coffee-house, he asked pardon of Mr. Prankley, if in
his passion he had said anything to give him offence ; and the
squire was so gracious as to forgive him with a cordial shake
of the hand, declaring that he did not like to be at variance
with an old college companion. Next day, however, he left
Bath abruptly ; and then Eastgate told me all these particu-
lars, not a little pleased with the effects of his own sagacity,
by which he has secured a living worth ii6o per annum.

Of my uncle I have nothing at present to say ; but that we
set out to-morrow for London en famille. He and the ladies,
with the maid and Chowder in a coach ; I and the man-servant
a-horseback. The particulars of our journey you shall have
in my next, provided no accident happens to prevent yours
ever, J. MelfCrd.

Bath, May 17.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Dick, — I shall to-morrow set out for London, where
I have bespoke lodgings at Mrs. Norton's in Golden Square.
Although I am no admirer of Bath, I shall leave it with re-
gret ; because I must part with some old friends, whom, in all
probability, I shall never see again. In the course of coffee-
house conversation, I had often heard very extraordinary

HUiMPHRY CLINKER

encomiums passed on the performances of Mr. T , a gen-
tleman residing in this place, who paints landscapes for his
amusement. As I have no great confidence in the taste and
judgment of coffee-house connoisseurs, and never received
much pleasure from this branch of the art, those general
praises made no impression at all on my curiosity ; but, at the
request of a particular friend, I went yesterday ^^o see the
pieces which had been so warmly commended. I must own I
am no judge of painting, though very fond of pictures. I
don't imagine that my senses would play me so false, as to
betray me into admiration of anything that was very bad;
but, true it is, I have often overlooked capital beauties, in
pieces of extraordinary merit. If I am not totally devoid of
taste, however, this young gentleman of Bath is the best
landscape painter now living ; I was struck with his perform-
ances in such a manner as I had never been by painting before.
His trees not only have a richness of foliage, and warmth of
colouring, which delights the view ; but also a certain magnifi-
cence in the disposition, and spirit in the expression, which I
cannot describe. His management of the chiaro oscuro, or
light and shadow, especially gleams of sunshine, is altogether
wonderful, both in the contrivance and execution ; and he is
so happy in his perspective, and marking his distances at sea,
by a progressive series of ships, vessels, capes, and promon-
tories, that I could not help thinking I had a distant view of
thirty leagues upon the background of the picture. If there
is any taste for ingenuity left in a degenerate age, fast sinking
into barbarism, this artist, I apprehend, will make a capital
figure, as soon as his works are known.

Two days ago, I was favoured with a visit by Mr. Fitzowen,
who, with great formality, solicited my vote and interest
at the general election. I ought not to have been shocked at
the confidence of this man; though it was remarkable, con-
sidering what had passed between him and me on a former
occasion. These visits are mere matter of form, which a
candidate makes to every elector, even to those who, he knows,
are engaged in the interest of his competitor, lest he should
expose himself to the imputation of pride, at a time when it is
expected he should appear humble. Indeed, I know nothing
so abject as the behaviour of a man canvassing for a seat in

THE EXPEDITION OF

parliament. This mean prostration (to borough electors
especially) has, I imagine, contributed in a great measure to
raise that spirit of insolence among the vulgar, which, like
the devil, will be found very difficult to lay. Be that as it
may, I was in some confusion at the effrontery of Fitzowen ;
but I soon recollected myself, and told him, I had not yet de-
termined for whom I should give my vote, nor whether I
should give it for any. The truth is, I look upon both candi-
dates in the same light; and should think myself a traitor to
the constitution of my country, if I voted for either. If every
elector would bring the same consideration home to his con-
science, we should not have such reason to exclaim against the
venality of p ts. But we are all a pack of venal and cor-
rupted rascals ; so lost to all sense of honesty, and all tender-
ness of character, that, in a little time, I am fully persuaded,
nothing will be infamous but virtue and public spirit.

G. H , who is really an enthusiast in patriotism, and

represented the capital in several successive parliaments, de-
clared to me t'other day, with the tears in his eyes, that he had
lived above thirty vears in the city of London, and dealt in the
way of commerce with all the citizens of note in their turns ;
but that, as he should answer to God, he had never, in the
whole course of his life, found above three or four whom he
could call thoroughly honest ; a declaration, which was rather
mortifying than surprising to me, who have found so few men
of worth in the course of my acquaintance, that they serve only
as exceptions ; which, in tlie grammarian's phrase, confinn

and prove a general canon. I know you will say, G. H

saw imperfectly tlirough the mist of prejudice, and I am
rankled by the spleen. Perhaps you are partly in the right;
for I have perceived that my opinion of mankind, like mer-
cury in the thermometer, rises and falls according to the vari-
ations of the weather.

Pray settle accounts with Barnes ; take what money of mine
is in his hands, and give him acquittance. — If you think
Davis has stock or credit enough to do justice to the farm,
give him a discharge for the rent that is due : This will ani-
mate his industry ; for I know that nothing is so discourag-
ing to a farmer, as the thoughts of being in arrears with his
landlord. He becomes dispirited, and neglects his labour;

HUMPHRY CLINKER

and so the farm goes to wreck. Tabby has been clamouring
for some days about the lamb's skin which Williams the hind
begged of me when he was last at Bath. Prithee take it back,
paying the fellow the full value of it, that I may have some
peace in my own house ; and let him keep his own counsel, if
he means to keep his place. O ! I shall never presume to
despise or censure any poor man for suffering himself to be
henpecked; conscious how I myself am obliged to truckle to
a domestic demon ; even though, blessed be God, she is not
yoked with me for life, in the matrimonial waggon. She has
quarrelled with the servants of the house about vails ; and
such intolerable scolding ensued on both sides, that I have been
fain to appease the cook and chambermaid by stealth. Can't
you find some poor gentleman of Wales, to take this precious
commodity off the hands of yours, M. Bramble.

Bath, May 19.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dr. Lewis, — Give me leaf to tell you, methinks you mought
employ your talons better, than to encourage servants to pil-
lage their masters. I find by Gwyllim, that Villiams has got
my skin; for which he is an impotent rascal. He has not
only got my skin, but, moreover, my butter-milk to fatten his
pigs ; and, I suppose, the next thing he gets, will be my pad
to carry his daughter to church and fair : Roger gets this, and
Roger gets that ; but I'd have you to know, I won't be rogered
at this rate by any ragmatical fellow in the kingdom — And I
am surprised, Doctor Lews, you would oft'er to put my affairs
in composition with the refuge and skim of the hearth. I have
toiled and moyled to a good purpuss, for the advantage of
Matt's family, if I can't safe as much owl as will make me an
under-petticoat. As for the butter-milk, ne'er a pig in the
parish shall thrust his snout in it, with my goodwill. There's
a famous physician at the Hot Well, that prescribes it to his
patience, when the case is consumptive ; and the Scots and the
Irish have begun to drink it already, in such quantities, that
there is not a drop left for the hogs in the whole neighbour-
hood of Bristol. I'll have our butter-milk barelled up, and
sent twice a week to Aberginny, where it may be sold for a

THE EXPEDITION OF

halfpenny the quart ; and so Roger may carry his pigs to an-
other market. I hope, doctor, you will not go to put any more
such phims in my brother's head, to the prejudice of my
pockat; but rather give me some raisins (which hitherto you
have not done) to subscribe myself your humble servant,
Bath, May 19. Tab. Bramble.

To Sir Watkin Phillips^ of Jesus College^ Oxon.

Dear Phillips^ — Without waiting for your ansv/er to my
last, I proceed to give you an account of our journey to Lon-
don, which has not been wholly barren of adventure. Tues-
day last, the squire took his place in a hired coach and four,
accompanied by his sister and mine, and Mrs. Tabby's maid,
Winifred Jenkins, whose province it was to support Chowder
on a cushion in her lap. I could scarce refrain from laugh-
ing, when I looked into the vehicle, and saw that animal sitting
opposite to my uncle, like any other passenger. The squire,
ashamed of his situation, blushed to the eyes ; and, calling to
the postillions to drive on, pulled the glass up in my face. I,
and his servant John Thomas, attended him on horseback.

Nothing worth mentioning occurred, till we arrived on the
edge of Marlborough Downs. There one of the fore horses
fell, in going down hill at a round trot ; and the postillion be-
hind, endeavouring to stop the carriage, pulled it on one side
into a deep rut, where it was fairly overturned. I had rode
on about two hundred yards before; but, hearing a loud
scream, galloped back and dismounted, to give what assistance
was in my power. When I looked into the coach, I could see
nothing distinctly, but the nether end of Jenkins, who was
kicking her heels and squalling with great vociferation. All
of a sudden, my uncle thrust up his bare pate, and bolted
through the window, as nimble as a grasshopper, having made
use of poor Win's posteriors as a step to rise in his ascent. —
The man, who had likewise quitted his horse, dragged this
forlorn damsel, more dead than alive, through the same open-
ing. Then Mr. Bramble, pulling the door off its hinges with
a jerk, laid hold on Liddy's arm, and brought her to the light,
very much frighted, but little hurt. It fell to my share to
deliver our aunt Tabitha, who had lost her cap in the struggle ;

.80

HUMPHRY CLINKER

and, being rather more than half frantic with rage and terror,
was no bad representation of one of the sister furies that guard
the gates of hell. She expressed no sort of concern for her
brother, who ran about in the cold, without his periwig, and
worked with the most astonishing agility, in helping to disen-
tangle the horses from the carriage. But she cried, in a tone
of distraction, " Chowder ! Chowder ! my dear Chowder ! my
poor Chowder is certainly killed ! "

This was not the case — Chowder, after having tore my
uncle's leg in the confusion of the fall, had retreated under the
seat, and from thence the footman drew him by the neck ; for
which good office he bit his fingers to the bone. The fellow,
who is naturally surly, was so provoked at this assault, that he
saluted his ribs with a hearty kick, exclaiming, '' D — n the
nasty son of a bitch, and them he belongs to ! " A benediction,
which was by no means lost upon the implacable virago, his
mistress. Her brother, however, prevailed upon her to retire
into a peasant's house, near the scene of action, where his head
and her's were covered, and poor Jenkins had a fit. Our next
care was to apply some sticking-plaster to the wound in his
leg, which exhibited the impression of Chowder's teeth; but
he never opened his lips against the delinquent. Mrs. Tabby,
alarmed at this scene, " You say nothing. Matt," cried she,
'' but I know your mind. — I know the spite you have to that
poor unfortunate animal ! I know you intend to take his life
away ! " — '' You are mistaken, upon my honour ! " replied the
squire, with a sarcastic smile; " I should be incapable of har-
bouring any such cruel design against an object so amjiable and
inoffensive; even if he had not the happiness to be your fa-
vourite."

John Thomas was not so delicate. The fellow, whether
really alarmed for his life, or instigated by the desire of re-
venge, came in, and bluntly demanded that the dog should be
put to death ; on the supposition, that, if ever he should run
mad hereafter, he, who had been bit by him, would be infected.
My uncle calmly argued upon the absurdity of his opinion,
observing, that he himself was in the same predicament, and
would certainly take the precaution he proposed, if he was not
sure he ran no risk of infection. Nevertheless, Thomas con-
tinued obstinate ; and, at length, declared, that if the dog was

« 8i

THE EXPEDITION OF

not shot immediately, he himself would be his executioner.
This declaration opened the floodgates of Tabby's eloquence,
which would have shamed the first-rate oratress of Billings-
gate. The footman retorted in the same style ; and the squire
dismissed him from his service, after having prevented me
from giving him a good horsewhipping for his insolence.

The coach being adjusted, another difliculty occurred — Mrs.
Tabitha absolutely refused to enter it again, unless another
driver could be found to take the place of the postillion ; who,
she affirmed, had overturned the carriage from malice afore-
thought. After much dispute, the man resigned his place to
a shabby country fellow, who undertook to go as far as Marl-
borough, where they could be better provided ; and at that
place we arrived about one o'clock, without farther impedi-
ment. Mrs. Bramble, however, found new matter of offence ;
which indeed she had a particular genius for extracting at
will from almost every incident in life. We had scarce entered
the room at Marlborough, where we stayed to dine, when she
exhibited a formal complaint against the poor fellow who had
superseded the postillion. She said he was such a beggarly
rascal, that he had ne'er a shirt to his back ; and had the im-
pudence to shock her sight by showing his posteriors, for
which act of indelicacy he deserved to be set in the stocks.
Mrs. Winifred Jenkins confirmed the assertion, with respect
to his nakedness, observing, at the same time, that he had a
skin as fair as alabaster.

*' This is a heinous offence, indeed," cried my uncle ; " let
us hear what the fellow has to say in his own vindication."
He was accordingly summoned, and made his appearance,
which was equally queer and pathetic. He seemed to be about
twenty years of age, of a middling size, with bandy legs, stoop-
ing shoulders, high forehead, sandy locks, pinking eyes, flat
nose, and long chin ; but his complexion was of a sickly yel-
low. His looks denoted famine ; and the rags that he wore
could hardly conceal what decency requires to be covered.
My uncle, having surveyed him attentively, said, with an
ironical expression in his countenance, " An't you ashamed,
fellow, to ride postillion without a shirt to cover your backside
from the view of the ladies in the coach ? " — '' Yes, I am, an'
please your noble honour," answered the man ; " but necessity

HUMPHRY CLINKER

has no law, as the saying is — And more than that, it was an
accident — My breeches cracked behind, after I got into the
saddle " — '* You're an impudent varlet," cried Mrs. Tabby,
'' for presuming to ride before persons of fashion without a
shirt " — " I am so, an' please your worthy ladyship," said
he ; " but I'm a poor Wiltshire lad. I ha'n't a shirt in the
world that I can call my own, nor a rag of clothes, an' please
your ladyship, but what you see — I have no friend nor relation
upon earth to help me out — I have had the fever and ague
these six months, and spent all I had in the world upon doc-
tors, and to keep soul and body together; and, saving your
ladyship's good presence, I ha'n't broke bread these four-and-
twenty hours " —

Mrs. Bramble, turning from him, said she had never seen
such a filthy tatterdemalion, and bid him begone ; observing,
that he would fill the room full of vermin. Her brother darted
a significant glance at her, as she retired with Liddy into an-
other apartment ; and then asked the man if he was known to
any person in Marlborough? When he answered, that the
landlord of the inn had known him from his infancy, mine host
was immediately called, and, being interrogated on the sub-
ject, declared, that the young fellow's name was Humphry
Clinker. That he had been a love-begotten babe, brought up
in the workhouse, and put out apprentice by the parish to a
country blacksmith, who died before the boy's time was out.
That he had for some time worked under his ostler, as a helper
and extra postillion, till he was taken ill of the ague, which
disabled him from getting his bread. That, having sold or
pawned everything he had in the world for his cure and sub-
sistence, he became so miserable and shabby, that he disgraced
the stable, and was dismissed ; but that he never heard any-
thing to the prejudice of his character in other respects. '* So
that the fellow being sick and destitute," said my uncle, '' you
turned him out to die in the streets." — " I pay the poor's rate,"
replied the other, '' and I have no right to maintain idle
vagrants, either in sickness or health; besides, such a miser-
able object would have brought discredit upon my house" —

" You perceive," said the squire, turning to me, " our land-
lord is a Christian of bowels. Who shall presume to censure
the morals of the age, when the very publicans exhibit such

THE EXPEDITION OF

examples of humanity? Hark ye, Clinker, you arc a most
notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger,
wretchedness, and want. But, as it does not belong to me to
punish criminals, I will only take upon me the task of giving
you a word of advice — Get a shirt with all convenient des-
patch, that your nakedness may not henceforward give offence
to travelling gentlewomen, especially maidens in years."

So saying, he put a guinea into the hand of the poor fellow,
who stood staring at him in silence, with his mouth wide open,
till the landlord pushed him out of the room.

In the afternoon, as our aunt stept into the coach, she ob-
served, with some marks of satisfaction, that the postillion,
who rode next to her, was not a shabby wretch like the raga-
muffin who had drove them into Marlborough. Indeed, the
difference was very conspicuous. This was a smart fellow,
with a narrow-brimmed hat, with gold cording, a cut bob, a
decent blue jacket, leather breeches, and a clean linen shirt,
puffed above the waistband. When we arrived at the castle
on Spinhill, where we lay, this new postillion was remarkably
assiduous in bringing in the loose parcels ; and at length dis-
played the individual countenance of Humphry Clinker, who
had metamorphosed himself in this manner, by relieving from
pawn part of his own clothes, with the money he had received
from Mr. Bramble.

Howsoever pleased the rest of the company were with such
a favourable change in the appearance of this poor creature,
it soured on the stomach of Mrs. Tabby, who had not yet di-
gested the affront of his naked skin. She tossed her nose in
disdain, saying, she supposed her brother had taken him into
favour, because he had insulted her with his obscenity ; that a
fool and his money were soon parted; but that if Matt in-
tended to take the fellow wiih him to London, she would not
go a foot farther that way. My uncle said nothing with his
tongue, though his looks were sufficiently expressive; and
next morning Clinker did not appear, so that we proceeded
without farther altercation to Salthill, where we proposed to
dine. There, the first person that came to the side of the
coach, and began to adjust the footboard, was no other than
Humphry Clinker. When I handed out Mrs. Bramble, she
eyed him with a furious look, and passed into the house. My

HUMPHRY CLINKER

uncle was embarrassed, and asked him peevishly what had
brought him hither? The fellow said, his honour had been so
good to him, that he had not the heart to part with him ; — that
he would follow him to the world's end, and serve him all the
days of his life without fee or reward.

Mr. Bramble did not know whether to chide or laugh at this
declaration. He foresaw much contradiction on the side of
Tabby; and, on the other hand, he could not but be pleased
with the gratitude of Clinker, as well as with the simplicity
of his character. " Suppose I was inclined to take you into
my service," said he, '' what are your qualifications ? What
are you good for?" — ''An' please your honour," answered
this original, " I can read and write, and do the business of the
stable indifferent well. I can dress a horse and shoe him, and
bleed and rowl him ; and, as for the practice of sow-gelding,
I won't turn my back on e'er a he in the county of Wilts.
Then I make hogs puddings and hob-nails, mend kettles, and
tin saucepans." Here uncle burst out a-laughing; and in-
quired what other accomplishments he was master of. — " I
know something of single stick and psalmody," proceeded
Clinker ; " I can play upon the Jew's harp, sing Black-eyed
Susan, Arthur O'Bradley, and divers other songs. I can
dance a Welsh jig, and Nancy Dawson; wrestle a fall with
any lad of my inches, when I'm in heart ; and, under correc-
tion, I can find a hare when your honour wants a bit of game."
— " Foregad ! thou art a complete fellow," cried my uncle, still
laughing ; " I have a good mind to take thee into my family.
Prithee, go and try if thou can'st make peace with my sister.
Thou has given her much offence, by showing her thy naked
tail."

Clinker accordingly followed us into the room, cap in hand,
where, addressing himself to Mrs. Tabitha, " May it please
your ladyship's worship," cried he, " to pardon and forgive my
offences, and, with God's assistance, I shall take care that my
tail shall never rise up in judgment against me, to offend your
ladyship again. Do, pray, good, sweet, beautiful lady, take
compassion on a poor sinner. God bless your noble counte-
nance ; I am sure you are too handsome and generous to bear
malice. I will serve you on my bended knees, by night and by

.8s

THE EXPEDITION OF

day, by land and by water ; and all for the love and pleasure
of serving such an excellent lady."

This compliment and humiliation had some effect upon
Tabby; but she made no reply; and Clinker, taking silence
for consent, gave his attendance at dinner. The fellow's nat-
ural awkwardness and the flutter of his spirits, were produc-
tive of repeated blunders in the course of his attendance. At
length, he spilt part of a custard upon her right shoulder;
and, starting back, trod upon Chowder, who set up a dismal
howl. Poor Humphry was so disconcerted at this double
mistake, that he dropt the china dish, which broke into a
thousand pieces ; then, falling down upon his knees, remained
in that posture gaping, with a most ludicrous aspect of dis-
tress. Mrs. Bramble flew to the dog, and snatching him in
her arms, presented him to her brother, saying, " This is all a
concerted scheme against this unfortunate animal, whose only
crime is its regard for me. Here it is ; kill it at once ; and
then you'll be satisfied."

Clinker, hearing these words, and taking them in the literal
acceptation, got up in some hurry, and, seizing a knife from
the sideboard, cried, " Not here, an' please your ladyship. It
will daub the room. Give him to me, and I'll carry him into
the ditch by the roadside." To this proposal he received no
other answer than a hearty box on the ear, that made him
stagger to the other side of the room. " What ! " said she to
her brother, " am I to be affronted by every mangy hound that
you pick up in the highway ? I insist upon your sending this
rascallion about his business immediately." — " For God's sake,
sister, compose yourself," said my uncle, " and consider that
the poor fellow is innocent of any intention to give you of-
fence."— " Innocent as the babe unborn," cried Humphry. —
" I see it plainly," exclaimed this implacable maiden, " he acts
by your direction ; and you are resolved to support him in his
impudence. This is a bad return for all the services I have
done you ; for nursing you in your sickness, managing your
family, and keeping you from ruining yourself by your own
imprudence. But now you shall part with that rascal or me,
upon the spot, without farther loss of time; and the world
.shall see whether you have more regard for your own flesh

HUMPHRY CLINKER

and blood, or for a beggarly foundling taken from the dung-
bill."

Mr. Bramble's eyes began to glisten, and his teeth to chatter.
" If stated fairly," said he, raising his voice, " the question is,
whether I have spirit to shake off an intolerable yoke, by one
effort of resolution, or meanness enough to do an act of cruelty
and injustice, to gratify the rancour of a capricious woman.
Hark ye, Mrs. Tabitha Bramble, I will now propose an alter-
native in my turn. Either discard your four-footed favourite,
or give me leave to bid you eternally adieu. For I am deter-
mined that he and I shall live no longer under the same roof ;
and now to dinner with what appetite you may." Thunder-
struck at this declaration, she sat down in a corner ; and, after
a pause of some minutes, " Sure I don't understand you,
Matt," said she. — " And yet I spoke in plain English,"
answered the squire, with a peremptory look. — '' Sir," resumed
this virago, effectually humbled, " it is your prerogative to
command, and my duty to obey. I can't dispose of the dog
in this place; but if you'll allow him to go in the coach to
London, I give you my word he shall never trouble you again."

Her brother, entirely disarmed by this mild reply, declared,
she could ask him nothing in reason that he would refuse;
adding, " I hope, sister, you have never found me deficient in
natural affection." Mrs. Tabitha immediately rose, and,
throwing her arms about his neck, kissed him on the cheek.
He returned her embrace with great emotion. Liddy sobbed.
Win. Jenkins cackled. Chowder capered, and Clinker skipped
about, rubbing his hands for joy of this reconciliation.

Concord being thus restored, we finished our meal with
comfort ; and in the evening arrived at London, without hav-
ing met with any other adventure. My aunt seems to be much
mended by the hint she received from her brother. She has
been graciously pleased to remove her displeasure from
Clinker, who is now retained as a footman, and, in a day or
two, will make his appearance in a new suit of livery ; but, as
he is little acquainted with London, we have taken an occa-
sional valet, whom I intend hereafter to hire as my own serv-
ant. We lodge in Golden Square, at the house of one Mrs.
Norton, a decent sort of a woman, who takes great pains to
make us all easy. My uncle proposes to make a circuit of all

THE EXPEDITION OF

the remarkable scenes of this metropolis, for the entertainment
of his pupils; but as both you and I are already acquainted
with most of those he will visit, and with some others he little
dreams of, I shall only communicate what will be in some
measure new to your observation. Remember me to our
Jesuitical friends, and believe me ever, dear knight.

Yours affectionately,
London, May 24. J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Doctor, — London is literally new to me; new in its
streets, houses, and even in its situation. As the Irishman
said, " London is now gone out of town." — What I left open
fields, producing hay and corn, I now find covered with streets
and squares, and palaces and churches. I am credibly in-
formed, that, in the space of seven years, eleven thousand new
houses have been built in one quarter of Westminster, exclu-
si<^e of what is daily added to other parts of this unwieldy
metropolis. Pimlico and Knightsbridge are almost joined to
Chelsea and Kensington ; and, if this infatuation continues
for half a century, I suppose the whole county of Middlesex
will be covered with brick.

It must be allowed, indeed, for the credit of the present age,
that London and Westminster are much better paved and
lighted than they were formerly. The new streets are spa-
cious, regular, and airy, and the houses generally convenient.
The bridge at Blackfriars is a noble monument of taste and
public spirit — I wonder how they stumbled upon a work of
such magnificence and utility. But, notwithstanding these
improvements, the capital is become an overgrown monster,
which, like a dropsical head, will in time leave the body and
extremities without nourishment and support. The absurdity
will appear in its full force, when we consider, that one-sixth
part of the natives of this whole extensive kingdom is crowded
within the bills of mortality. What wonder that our villages
are depopulated, and our farms in want of day-labourers ! the
abolition of small farms is but one cause of the decrease of
population. Indeed, the incredible increase of horses and
black cattle, to answer the ]')urposes of luxury, requires a

HUMPHRY CLINKER

prodigious quantity of hay and grass, which are raised and
managed without much labour; but a number of hands will
always be wanted for the different branches of agriculture,
whether the farms be large or small. The tide of luxury has
swept all the inhabitants from the open country ; the poorest
squire, as well as the richest peer, must have his house in town,
and make a figure with an extraordinary number of domestics.
The ploughboys, cowherds, and lower hinds, are debauched
and seduced by the appearance and discourse of those cox-
combs in livery, when they make their summer excursions.
They desert their dirt and drudgery, and swarm up to London,
in hopes of getting into service, where they can live luxuri-
ously, and wear fine clothes, without being obliged to work;
for idleness is natural to man. Great numbers* of thes^, being
disappointed in their expectation, become thieves and sharp-
ers ; and London being an immense wilderness, in which there
is neither watch nor ward of signification, nor any order or
police, affords them lurking-places as well as prey.

There are many causes that contribute to the daily increase
of this enormous mass ; but they may be all resolved into the
grand source of luxury and corruption. About five-and-
twenty years ago, very few even of the most opulent citizens
of London kept any equipage, or even any servants in livery.
Their tables produced nothing but plain boiled and roasted,
with a bottle of port and a tankard of beer. At present, every
trader in any degree of credit, every broker and attorney,
maintains a couple of footmen, a coachman, and postillion.
He has his town house, and his country house, his coach, and
his post-chaise. His wife and daughters appear in the richest
stuffs, bespangled with diamonds. They frequent the court,
the opera, the theatre, and the masquerade. They hold as-
semblies at their own houses ; they make sumptuous entertain-
ments, and treat with the richest wines of Bordeaux, Bur-
gundy, and Champagne. The substantial tradesman, who
was wont to pass his e^'enings at the alehouse for fourpence-
halfpenny, now spends three shillings at the tavern, while his
wife keeps card-tables at home; she must also have fine
clothes, her chaise, or pad, with country lodgings, and go three
times a week to public diversions. Every clerk, apprentice,
and even waiter of a tavern or coffee-house, maintains a geld-

THE EXPEDITION OF

by himself, or in partnership, and assumes the air and ap-
-prf^el of a petit maitre. — The gayest places of public entertain-
ment are filled with fashionable figures, which, upon inquiry,
will be found to be journeymen tailors, serving-men, and Abi-
gails, disguised like their betters.

In short, there is no distinction or subordination left. The
different departments of life are jumbled together — the hod-
carrier, the low mechanic, the tapster, the publican, the shop-
keeper, the pettifogger, the citizen, and courtier, all tread upon
the kibes of one another; actuated by the demons of profligacy
and licentiousness, they are seen everywhere, ram.bling, rid-
ing, rolling, rushing, jostling, mixing, bouncing, cracking, and
cashing in one vile ferment of stupidity and corruption — all is
tumult and hurry. — One would imagine they were impelled by
some disorder of the brain, that will not suffer them to be at
rest. The foot passengers run along as if they were pursued
by bailiffs. The porters and chairmen trot with their burdens.
People, who keep their own equipages, drive through the
streets at full speed. Even citizens, physicians, and apothe-
caries glide in their chariots like lightning. The hackney
coachmen make their horses smoke, and the pavement shakes
under them ; and I have actually seen a waggon pass through
Piccadilly at the hand-gallop. In a word, the whole nation
seems to be running out of their wits.

The diversions of the times are not ill suited to the genius of
this incongruous monster, called the public. Give it noise,
confusion, glare, and glitter, it has no idea of elegance and
propriety. What are the amusements at Ranelagh? One
half of the company are following one another's tails, in an
eternal circle, like so many blind asses in an olive mill, where
they can neither discourse, distinguish, nor be distinguished;
while the other half are drinking hot water, under the denomi-
nation of tea, till nine or ten o'clock at night, to keep thein
awake for the rest of the evening. As for the orchestra, the
vocal music especially, it is well for the performers that they
cannot be heard distinctly. Vauxhall is a composition of
baubles, overcharged with paltry ornaments, ill conceived, and
poorly executed, without any unity of design, or propriety of
disposition. It is an unnatural assemblage of objects, fan-
tastically illuminated in broken masses, seemingly contrived

HUMPHRY CLINKER

to dazzle the eyes and divert the imagination of the vulgar.
Here a wooden lion, there a stone statue ; in one place a range
of things like coffee-house boxes covered a-top; in another,
a parcel of alehouse benches ; in a third, a puppet-show
representation of a tin cascade ; in a fourth, a gloomy cave of a
circular form, like a sepulchral vault, half-lighted ; in a fifth,
a scanty slip of grass-plot, that would not afford pasture suffi-
cient for an ass's colt. The walks, which Nature seems to
have intended for solitude, shade, and silence, are filled with
crowds of noisy people, sucking up the nocturnal rheums of
an agueish climate ; and through these gay scenes a few lamps
glimmer like so many farthing candles.

When I see a number of well-dressed people, of both sexes,
sitting on the covered benches, exposed to the eyes of the mob,
and, which is worse, to the cold, raw, night air, devouring
sliced beef, and swilling port, and punch, and cider, I can't
help compassionating their temerity, while I despise their want
of taste and decorum ; but, when they course along those
damp and gloomy walks, or crowd together upon the wet
gravel, without any other cover than the cope of heaven, lis-
tening to a song, which one half of them cannot possibly hear,
how can I help supposing they are actually possessed by a
spirit more absurd and pernicious than anything we meet with
in the precincts of Bedlam ? In all probability, the proprietors
of this, and other public gardens of inferior note, in the skirts
of the metropolis, are, in some shape, connected with the fac-
ulty of physic, and the company of undertakers ; for, consider-
ing that eagerness in the pursuit of what is called pleasure,
which now predominates through every rank and denomina-
tion of life, I am persuaded that more gouts, rheumatisms,
catarrhs, and consumptions, are caught in these nocturnal
pastimes, sub dio, than from all the risks and accidents to
which a life of toil and danger is exposed.

These and other observations which I have made in this ex-
cursion, will shorten my stay in London, and send me back
with a double relish to my solitude and mountains ; but I shall
return by a different route from that which brought me to
town. I have seen some old friends, who constantly resided
in this virtuous metropolis, but they are so changed in man-
ners and disposition, that we hardly know or care for one an-

;THE EXPEDITION OF

other. In our journey from Bath, my sister Tabby provoked
me into a transport of passion ; during which, like a man who
has drank himself pot-valiant, I talked to her in such a style
of authority and resolution, as produced a most blessed effect.
She and her dog have been remarkably quiet and orderly ever
since this expostulation. How long this agreeable calm will
last. Heaven above knows. I flatter myself the exercise of
travelling has been of service to my health ; a circumstance
which encourages me to proceed in my projected expedition to
the north. But I must, in the meantime, for the benefit and
amusement of my pupils, explore the depths of this chaos, this
misshapen and monstrous capital, without head or tail, mem-
bers or proportion.

Thomas was so insolent to my sister on the road, that I was
obliged to turn him off abruptly, betwixt Chippenham and
Marlborough, where our coach was overturned. The fellow
was always sullen and selfish ; but if he should return to the
country, you may give him a character for honesty and sobri-
ety ; and, provided he behaves with proper respect to the fam-
ily, let him have a couple of guineas in the name of, yours al-
ways, Matt Bramble.

London, May 29.

To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester.

My dear Letty, — Inexpressible was the pleasure I received
from yours of the 25th, which was last night put into my
hands by Mrs. Brentwood, the milliner, from Gloucester. I
rejoice to hear that my worthy governess is in good health,
and, still more, that she no longer retains any displeasure to-
wards her poor Liddy. I am sorry you have lost the society
of the agreeable Miss Vaughan ; but, I hope, you won't have
cause much longer to regret the departure of your school-
companions, as I make no doubt but your parents will in a
little time bring you into the world, where you are so well
qualified to make a distinguished figure. When that is the
case, I flatter myself you and I shall meet again, and be happy
together, and even improve the friendship which we contracted
in our tender years. This at least I can promise, it shall not

HUMPHRY CLINKER

be for the want of my utmost endeavours if our intimacy does
not continue for life.

About five days ago we arrived in London, after an easy
journey from Bath ; during which, however, we were over-
turned, and met with some other Httle incidents, which had
like to have occasioned a misunderstanding betwixt my uncle
and aunt ; but now, thank God, they are happily reconciled ;
we live in harmony together, and every day make parties to
see the wonders of this vast metropolis, which, however, I
cannot pretend to describe; for I have not as yet seen one
hundredth part of its curiosities, and I am quite in a maze of
admiration.

The cities of London and Westminster are spread out to an
incredible extent. The streets, squares, rows, lanes, and alleys
are innumerable. Palaces, public buildings, and churches rise
in every quarter; and, among these last, St. Paul's appears
with the most astonishing pre-eminence. They say it is not
so large as St. Peter's at Rome ; but, for my own part, I can
have no idea of any earthly temple more grand and magnifi-
cent.

But even these superb objects are not so striking as the
crowds of people that swarm in the streets. I at first imag-
ined, that some great assembly was just dismissed and wanted
to stand aside till the multitude should pass; but this human
tide continues to flow, without interruption or abatement, from
morn till night. Then there is such an infinity of gay equip-
ages, coaches, chariots, chaises, and other carriages, continual-
ly rolling and shifting before your eyes, that one's head grows
giddy looking at them ; and the imagination is quite con-
founded with splendour and variety. Nor is the prospect by
water less grand and astonishing than that by land. You see
three stupendous bridges, joining the opposite banks of a
broad, deep, and rapid river; so vast, so stately, so elegant,
that they seem to be the work of the giants. Betwixt them,
the whole surface of the Thames is covered with small vessels,
barges, boats, and wherries, passing to and fro ; and below the
three bridges, such a prodigious forest of masts, for miles to-
gether, that you would think all the ships in the universe were
here assembled. All that you read of wealth and grandeur,
in the Arabian Nights Entertainments, and the Persian Tales,

THE EXPEDITION OR

concerning Bagdad, Diarbekir, Damascus, Ispahan, and
Samarkand, is here reaUsed.

Ranelagh looks Hke the enchanted palace of a genius,
adorned with the most exquisite performances of painting,
carving, and gilding, enlightened with a thousand golden
lamps, that emulate the noonday sun ; crowded with the great,
the rich, the gay, the happy, and the fair ; glittering with cloth
of gold and silver, lace, embroidery, and precious stones.
While these exulting sons and daughters of felicity tread this
round of pleasure, or regale in different parties, and separate
lodges, with fine imperial tea and other delicious refreshments,
their ears are entertained with the most ravishing delights of
music, both instrumental and vocal. There I heard the fa-
mous Tenducci, a thing from Italy — it looks for all the world
like a man, though they say it is not. The voice, to be sure,
is neither man's nor woman's ; but it is more melodious than
either; and it warbled so divinely, that, while I listened I
really thought myself in paradise.

At nine o'clock, in a charming moonlight evening, we em-
barked at Ranelagh for Vauxhall, in a wherry, so light and
slender, that we looked like so many fairies sailing in a nut-
shell. My uncle, being apprehensive of catching cold upon
the water, went round in the coach, and my aunt would have
accompanied him ; but he would not suffer me to go by water
if she went by land ; and therefore she favoured us with her
company, as she perceived I had a curiosity to make tliis agree-
able voyage. After all, the vessel was sufficiently loaded;
for, besides the waterman, there was my brother Jerry, and a
friend of his, one Mr. Barton, a country gentleman, of a good
fortune, who had dined at our house. The pleasure of this
little excursion was, however, damped, by my being sadly
frightened at our landing; where there was a terrible con-
fusion of wherries, and a crowd of people bawling, and swear-
ing, and quarrelling; nay, a parcel of ugly-looking fellows
came running into the water, and laid hold on our boat with
great violence, to pull it ashore ; nor would they quit their
hold till my brother struck one of them over the head with his
cane. But this flutter was fully recompensed by the pleasures
of Vauxhall ; which I no sooner entered, than I was dazzled
and confounded with the variety of beauties that rushed all

HUMPHRY CLINKER

at once upon my eye. Image to yourself, my dear Letty, a
spacious garden, part laid out in delightful walks, bounded
with high hedges and trees, and paved with gravel; part ex-
hibiting a wonderful assemblage of the most picturesque and
striking objects, pavilions, lodges, groves, grottoes, lawns,
temples, and cascades; porticoes, colonnades, and rotundas;
adorned with pillars, statues, and painting : the whole illumi-
nated with an infinite number of lamps, disposed in different
figures of suns, stars, and constellations; the place crowded
with the gayest company, ranging through those blissful
shades, or supping in different lodges on cold collations, enliv-
ened with mirth, freedom, and good-humour, and animated
by an excellent band of music. Among the vocal performers,

I had the happiness to hear the celebrated Mrs. , whose

voice was so loud and so shrill that it made my head ache
through excess of pleasure.

In about half an hour after we arrived, we were joined by
my uncle, who did not seem to relish the place. People of
experience and infirmity, my dear Letty, see with very differ-
ent eyes from those that such as you and I make use of. Our
evening's entertainment was interrupted by an unlucky acci-
dent. In one of the remotest walks we were surprised with a
sudden shower, that set the whole company a-running, and
drove us in heaps, one upon another, into the rotunda ; where
my uncle, finding himself wet, began to be very peevish and
urgent to be gone. My brother went to look for a coach, and
found it with much difficulty; but as it could not hold us all,
Mr. Barton stayed behind. It was some time before the car-
riage could be brought up to the gate, in the confusion, not-
withstanding the utmost endeavours of our new footman,
Humphry Clinker, who lost a scratch periwig, and got a
broken head in the scuffle. The moment we were seated, my
aunt pulled off my uncle's shoes, and carefully wrapped his
poor feet in her capuchin; then she gave him a mouthful of
cordial, which she always keeps in her pocket, and his clothes
were shifted as soon as we arrived at our lodgings; so that,
blessed be God, he escaped a severe cold, of which he was in
great terror.

As for Mr. Barton, I must tell you in confidence, he was
a little particular ; but, perhaps, I mistake his complaisance ;

THE EXPEDITION OF

and I wish I may for his sake. You know the condition of
my poor heart ; which, in spite of hard usage — and yet I ought
not to complain ; nor will I, till further information.

Besides Ranelagh and Vauxhall, I have been at Mrs.
Cornely's assembly, which, for the rooms, the company, the
dresses, and decorations, surpasses all description; but, as I
have no great turn for card-playing, I have not yet entered
thoroughly into the spirit of the place. Indeed, I am still such
a country hoyden, that I can hardly find patience to be put in
a condition to appear, yet I was not above six hours under
the hands of the hairdresser, who stuffed my head with as
much black wool as would have made a quilted petticoat ; and,
after all, it was the smallest head in the assembly, except my
aunt's. She, to be sure, was so particular with her rumpt
gow^n and petticoat, her scanty curls, her lappet-head, deep
triple ruffles, and high stays, that everybody looked at her
with surprise; some whispered, and some tittered, and Lady
Griskin, by whom we were introduced, flatly told her she was
twenty good years behind the fashion.

Lady Griskin is a person of fashion, to whom we have the
honour to be related. She keeps a small rout at her own
house, never exceeding ten or a dozen card-tables; but these
are frequented by the best company in town. She has been
so obliging as to introduce my aunt and me to some of her
particular friends of quality, who treat us with the most fa-
miliar good-humour. We have once dined with her, and she
takes the trouble to direct us in all our motions. I am so
happy as to have gained her goodwill to such a degree, that
she sometimes adjusts my cap with her own hands; and she
has given me a kind invitation to stay with her all the winter.
This, however, has been cruelly declined by my uncle, who
seems to be, I know not how, prejudiced against the good
lady; for, whenever my aunt happens to speak in her com-
mendation, I observe that he makes wry faces, though he says
nothing ; perhaps, indeed, those grimaces may be the effect of
pain arising from the gout and rheumatism, with which he
is sadly distressed. To me, however, he is always good-
natured and generous, even beyond my wish. Since we came
hither, he has made me a present of a suit of clothes, with
trimmings and laces, which cost more money than I shall

HUMPHRY CLINKER

mention; and Jerry, at his desire, has given me my mother's
diamond drops, which are ordered to be set anew ; so that it
won't be his fault if I do not glitter among the stars of the
fourth or fifth magnitude. I wish my weak head may not
grow giddy in the midst of all this gallantry and dissipation ;
though as yet I can safely declare I could gladly give up all
these tumultuous pleasures for country solitude, and a happy
retreat with those we love ; among whom my dear Willis will
always possess the first placd in the breast of her ever affec-
tionate Lydia Melford.
London, May 31.

To Sir Watkin Phillips^ Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — I send you this letter, franked by our old
friend Barton ; who is as much altered as it is possible for a
man of his kidney to be. Instead of the careless, indolent
sloven we knew at Oxford, I found him a busy, talkative
politician, a petit maitre in his dress, and a ceremonious cour-
tier in his manners. He has not gall enough in his constitu-
tion to be inflamed with the rancour of party, so as to deal in
scurrilous invectives ; but, since he obtained a place, he is be-
come a warm partisan of the ministry, and sees everything
through such an exaggerated medium, as to me, who am
happily of no party, is altogether incomprehensible. With-
out all doubt, the fumes of faction not only disturb the faculty
of reason, but also pervert the organs of sense ; and I would
lay an hundred guineas to ten, that, if Barton on one side,
and the most conscientious patriot in the opposition on the

other, were to draw, upon honour, the picture of the k

or m , you and I, who are still uninfected and unbiassed,

would find both painters equally distant from the truth. One
thing, however, must be allowed for the honour of Barton —
he never breaks out into illiberal abuse, far less endeavours,
by infamous calumnies, to blast the moral character of any
individual on the other side.

Ever since we came hither he has been remarkably assidu-
ous in his attention to our family; an attention, which, in a
man of his indolence and avocations, I should have thought
altogether odd, and even unnatural, had I not perceived that

1 97

THE EXPEDITION OF

my sister Liddy has made some impression upon his heart. I
can't say that I have any objection to his trying his fortune
in this pursuit; if an opulent estate and a great stock of good-
nature are sufficient quaHfications in a husband, to render the
marriage state happy for Ufe, she may be happy with Barton.
But I imagine there is something else required to engage and
secure the affection of a woman of sense and delicacy ; some-
thing which nature has denied our friend. Liddy seems to
be of the same opinion. When he addresses himself to her in
discourse, she seems to listen with reluctance, and industrious-
ly avoids all particular communication ; but in proportion to
her coyness, our aunt is coming. Mrs. Tabitha goes more
than half way to meet his advances ; she mistakes, or affects
to mistake, the meaning of his courtesy, which is rather for-
mal and fulsome; she returns his compliments with hyper-
bolical interest, she persecutes him v/ith her civilities at table,
she appeals to him for ever in conversation, she sighs, and
flirts, and ogles, and by her hideous affectation and imperti-
nence, drives the poor courtier to the very extremity of his
complaisance; in .«hort, she seems to have undertaken the
siege of Barton's heart, and carries on her approaches in such
a desperate manner, that I don't know whether he will not be
obliged to capitulate. In the meantime his aversion to this
inamorata struggling with his acquired affability, and his
natural fear of giving offence, throws him into a kind of dis-
tress which is extremely ridiculous.

Two days ago he persuaded my uncle and me to accom-
pany him to St. James's, where he undertook to make us ac-
quainted with the persons of all the great men in the kingdom ;
and, indeed, there was a great assemblage of distinguished
characters, for it was a high festival at court. Our con-
ductor performed his promise with great punctuality. He
pointed out almost every individual of both sexes, and gen-
erally introduced them to our notice with a flourish of pan-
egyric. Seeing the King approach, " There comes," said he,
" the most amiable sovereign that ever swayed the sceptre of
England; the dclicicr Juiuiani (generis; Augustus, in patron-
ising merit; Titus Vespasian, in generosity; Trajan, in benef-
icence; and Marcus Aurelius, in philosophy." — "A very
honest, kind-hearted gentleman," added my uncle, " he's too

HUMPHRY CLINKER

good for the times. A king of England should have a spice
of the devil in his composition." Barton then turning to the
Duke of C , proceeded — " You know the duke ; that il-
lustrious hero, who trod rebellion under his feet, and secured
us in possession of everything we ought to hold dear as Eng-
lishmen and Christians. Mark what an eye, how penetrating,
yet pacific ! what dignity in his mien ! what humanity in his
asi3ect ! Even malice must own that he is one of the greatest
officers in Christendom." — " I think he be," said Mr. Bram-
ble ; " but who are these young gentlemen that stand beside
him?" — ''Those!" cried our friend, ''those are his royal,
nephews ; the princes of the blood. Sweet young princes ! the
sacred pledges of the Protestant line ; so spirited, so sensible,
so princely " — " Yes ; very sensible ! very spirited," said my
uncle, interrupting him ; " but see the Queen ! ha, there's the
Queen. There's the Queen ! let me see — let me see — Where
are my glasses ? ha ! there's meaning in that eye — There's
sentiment — There's expression. Well, Mr. Barton, what fig-
ure do you call next ? "

The next person he pointed out was the favourite yearl;
who stood solitary by one of the windows. — " Behold yon
northern star," said he, " shorn of his beams " — " What !
the Caledonian luminary, that lately blazed so bright in our
hemisphere ! methinks, at present, it glimmers through a fog ;
like Saturn without his ring, bleak and dim, and distant. Ha,
there's the other great phenomenon, the grand pensionary,
that weathercock of patriotism that veers about in every point
of the political compass, and still feels the wind of popularity
in his tail. He too, like a portentous comet, has risen again
above the court horizon; but how long he will continue to
ascend it is not easy to foretell, considering his great eccen-
tricity. Who are those two satellites that attend his mo-
tions ? " When Barton told him their names, " To their char-
acter," said Mr. Bramble, '' I am no stranger. One of them,
without a drop of red blood in his veins, has a cold, intoxicat-
ing vapour in his head ; and rancour enough in his heart to
inoculate and affect a whole nation. The other is, I hear, in-
tended for a share in the ad — n, and the pensionary vouches
for his being duly qualified. The only instance I ever heard
of his sagacity was his deserting his former patron, when he

THE EXPEDITION OF.

found him declining in power, and in disgrace with the peo-
ple. Without principle, talent, or intelligence, he is ungra-
cious as a hog, greedy as a vulture, and thievish as a jackdaw ;
but, it must be owned, he is no hypocrite. He pretends to no
virtue, and takes no pains to disguise his character. His
ministry will be attended with one advantage ; no man will be
disappointed by his breach of promise, as no mortal ever
trusted to his word. I wonder how Lord first discov-
ered this happy genius, and for what purpose Lord has

now adopted him. But one would think, that as amber has
a power to attract dirt, and straws, and chaif, a minister is
endued with the same kind of faculty, to lick up every knave
and blockhead in his way " —

His eulogium was interrupted by the arrival of the old

Duke of N ; who, squeezing into the circle with a busy

face of importance, thrust his head into every countenance,
as if he had been in search of somebody, to whom he wanted
to impart something of great consequence. My uncle, who
had been formerly known to him, bowed as he passed, and
the duke, seeing himself saluted so respectfully by a well-
dressed person, was not slow in returning the courtesy. He
even came up, and taking him cordially by the hand, '' My

dear friend, Mr. A ," said he, '' I am rejoiced to see you.

How long have you been come from abroad? How did you
leave our good friends the Dutch ? The King of Prussia don't
think of another war, ah ? He's a great king ! a great con-
queror I a very great conqueror ! Your Alexanders and Han-
nibals were nothing at all to him, sir — corporals ! drummers !
dross ! mere trash — d — n'd trash, heh ? " His grace being by
this time out of breath, my uncle took the opportunity to tell
him he had not been out of England, that his name was Bram-
ble, and that he had the honour to sit in the last parliament
but one of the late King, as representative for the borough
of Dymkymraig. " Odso ! " cried the duke, *' I remember you
perfectly well, my dear Mr. Bramble. You was always a
good and loyal subject — a staunch friend to administration —
I made your brother an Irish bishop " — " Pardon me, my
lord," said the squire, " I once had a brother, but he was a
captain in the army " — " Ha! " said his grace, ** he was so
— He was indeed ! But who was the bishop then ? Bishop

ICX)

HUMPHRY CLINKER

Blackberry — sure it was Bishop Blackberry — perhaps some
relation of yours " — *'Very likely, my lord," replied my uncle,
" the blackberry is the fruit of the bramble — but I believe the
bishop is not a berry of our bush " — " No more he is, no
m.ore he is, ha, ha, ha ! " exclaimed the duke ; *' there you give
me a scratch, good Mr. Bramble, ha, ha, ha! — Well, I shall
be glad to see you at Lincoln's-Inn-Fields — you know the way
— times are altered. Though I have lost the power I retain
tlie inclination. — Your very humble servant, good Mr. Black-
berry " — So saying, he shoved to another corner of the
room.

'' What a fine old gentleman ! " cried Mr. Barton ; " what
spirits ! what a memory ! — He never forgets an old friend."
— *' He does me too much honour," observed our squire, " to
rank me among the number. Whilst I sat in parliament, I
never voted with the ministry but three times, when my con-
science told me they were in the right. However, if he still
keeps levee, I will carry my nephew thither, that he may see,
and learn to avoid the scene; for I think an English gentle-
man never appears to such disadvantage, as at the levee of a
minister. Of his grace I shall say nothing at present, but that
for thirty years he was the constant and common butt of
ridicule and execration. He was generally laughed at as an
ape in politics, whose ofiice and influence served only to ren-
der his folly the more notorious ; and the opposition cursed
him as the indefatigable drudge of a first mover, who was
justly styled and stigmatised as the father of corruption. But
this ridiculous ape, this venal drudge, no sooner lost the places
he was so ill qualified to fill, and unfurled the banners of fac-
tion, than he was metamorphosed into a pattern of public
virtue; the very people who reviled him before, now extolled
him to the skies, as a wise, experienced statesman, chief pillar
of the Protestant succession, and corner-stone of English
liberty. I should be glad to know how Mr. Barton reconciles
these contradictions, without obliging us to resign all title to
the privilege of common sense." — " My dear sir," answered
Barton, " I don't pretend to justify the extravagancies of the
multitude, who I suppose were as wild in their former cen-
sure, as in their present praise ; but I shall be very glad to at-
tend you on Thursday next to his grace's levee ; where, I am

lOI

THE EXPEDITION OF

afraid, we shall not be crowded with company ; for, you know,
there's a wide difference between his present office of Presi-
dent of the Council, and his former post of First Lord Com-
missioner of the Treasury."

This communicative friend having announced all the re-
markable characters of both sexes that appeared at court, we
resolved to adjourn, and retired. At the foot of the staircase,
there was a crowd of lacqueys and chairmen, and in the midst
of them stood Humphry Clinker, exalted upon a stool, with
his hat in one hand, and a paper in the other, in the act of
holding forth to the people. Before we could inquire into
the meaning of this exhibition, he perceived his master, thrust
the paper into his pocket, descended from his elevation, bolted
through the crowd, and brought up the carriage to the gate.

My uncle said nothing till we were seated, when, after hav-
ing looked at me earnestly for some time, he burst out a
laughing, and asked me if I knew upon what subject Clinker
was holding forth to the mob? "If," said he, "the fellow
has turned mountebank, I must turn him out of my service,
otherwise he'll make Merry Andrews of us all." I observed,
that, in all probability, he had studied physic under his master,
who was a farrier.

At dinner, the squire asked him if he had ever practised
physic ? " Yes, and please your honour," said he, " among
brute beasts ; but I never meddle with rational creatures." —
" I know not whether you rank in that class the audience you
was haranguing in the court at St. James's, but I should be
glad to know what kind of powders you was distributing, and
whether you had a good sale." — " Sale, sir," cried Clinker,
" I hope I shall never be base enough to sell for gold and
silver what freely comes of God's grace. I distributed noth-
ing, an' like your honour, but a word of advice to my fellows
in servitude and sin." — " Advice! concerning what? " — "Con-
cerning profane swearing, an' please your honour; so horrid
and shocking, that it made my hair stand on end." — " Nay,
if thou canst cure them of that disease, I shall think thee a
wonderful doctor indeed." — " Why not cure them, my good
master? the hearts of those poor people are not so stubborn
as your honour seems to think. Make them first sensible that
you have nothing in view but their good, then they will listen

102

HUMPHRY CLINKER

with patience, and easily be convinced of the sin and folly of
a practice that affords neither profit nor pleasure." At this
remark our uncle changed colour, and looked round the com-
pany, conscious that his oivn zvithcrs were not altogether tin-
zvrimg. '' But, Clinker," said he, '' if you should have elo-
quence enough to persuade the vulgar to resign those tropes
and figures of rhetoric, there will be little or nothing left to
distinguish their conversation from that of their betters." —
" But then, your honour knows, their conversation will be
void of offence; and at the day of judgment, there will be no
distinction of persons."

Humphry going downstairs to fetch up a bottle of wine,
my uncle congratulated his sister upon having such a re-
former in the family, when Mrs. Tabitha declared he was a
sober, civilised fellow, very respectful, and very industrious,
and, she believed, a good Christian into the bargain. One
would think Clinker must really have some very extraordi-
nary talent to ingratiate himself in this manner with a virago
of her character, so fortified against him with prejudice and
resentment; but the truth is, since the adventure of Salthill,
Mrs. Tabby seems to be entirely changed. She has left oft'
scolding the servants, an exercise which was grown habitual,
and even seemed necessary to her constitution, and is become
so indift^erent to Chowder as to part with him in a present to
Lady Griskin, who proposes to bring the breed of him into
fashion. Her ladyship is the widow of Sir Timothy Griskin,
a distant relation of our family. She enjoys a fortune of five
hundred pounds a year, and makes shift to spend three times
that sum. Her character, before marriage, was a little equiv-
ocal, but at present she lives in the hon ton, keeps card-tables,
gives private suppers to select friends, and is visited by per-
sons of the first fashion. She has been remarkably civil to
us all, and cultivates my uncle with the most particular re-
gard ; but the more she stro>:es him, the more his bristles seem
to rise. To her compliments he makes very laconic and dry
returns. T'other day she sent us a pottle of fine strawberries,
which he did not receive without signs of disgust, muttering
from the ^neid, Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes. She has
twice called for Liddy, of a forenoon, to take an airing in the
coach; but Mrs. Tabby was always so alert (I suppose by his

103

THE EXPEDITION OF

direction,) that she never could have the niece without the
aunt's company. I have endeavoured to sound Squaretoes on
this subject, but he carefully avoids all explanation.

I have now, dear Phillips, filled a whole sheet, and if you
have read it to an end, I dare say you are as tired as your
humble servant, J. Melford.

London^ June 2.

To Dr. Lewis.

Yes, dear doctor, I have seen the British Museum, which
is a noble collection, and even stupendous, if we consider it
was made by a private man, a physician, who was obliged to
make his own fortune at the same time ; but, great as the col-
lection is, it would appear more striking if it was arranged
in one spacious saloon, instead of being divided into different
apartments, which it does not entirely fill. I could wish the
series of medals was connected, and the whole of the animal,
vegetable, and mineral kingdoms completed, by adding to
each, at the public expense, those articles that are wanting.
It would likewise be a great improvement, with respect to the
library, if the deficiencies were made up by purchasing all
the books of character that are not to be found already in the
collection. They might be classed in centuries, according to
the dates of their publication, and catalogues printed of them
and the manuscripts, for the information of those that want
to consult or compile from such authorities. I could also
wish, for the honour of the nation, that there was a complete
apparatus for a course of mathematics, mechanics, and ex-
perimental philosophy, and a good salary settled upon an
able professor, who should give regular lectures on these
subjects.

But this is all idle speculation, which will never be reduced
to practice. Considering the tempter of the times, it is a won-
der to see any institution whatsoever established for the bene-
fit of the public. The spirit of party is risen to a kind of
frenzy, unknown to former ages, or rather degenerated to a
total extinction of honesty and candour. You know I have
observed, for some time, that the public papers are become the
infamous vehicles of the most cruel and perfidious defama-

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

tion. Every rancorous knave, every desperate incendiary, that
can afford to spend half a crown or three shilHng-s, may skulk-
behind the press of a newsmon^^er, and have a stab at the first
character in the kingdom, without running the least hazard of
detection or punishment.

I have made acquaintance with a Mr. Barton, whom Jerry
knew at Oxford ; a good sort of a man, though most ridicu-
lously warped in his political principles ; but his partiality is
the least offensive, as it never appears in the style of scurrility
and abuse. He is a member of parliament, and a retainer to
the court ; and his whole conversation turns upon the virtues
and perfections of the ministers who are his patrons. T'other
day, when he was bedaubing one of those worthies with the
most fulsome praise, I told him I had seen the same nobleman
characterised very differently in one of the daily papers; in-
deed, so stigmatised, that if one half of what was said of him
was true, he must be not only unfit to rule, but even unfit to
live; that those impeachments had been repeated again and
again, with the addition of fresh matter ; and that, as he had
taken no steps towards his own vindication, I began to think
there was some foundation for the charge.

" And pray, sir," said Mr. Barton, " what steps would you
have him take? Suppose you should prosecute the publisher,
who screens the anonymous accuser, and bring him to the
pillory for a libel ; this is so far from being counted a punish-
ment in terrorcm, that it will probably make his fortune. The
multitude immediately take him into their protection, as a
martyr to the cause of defamation, which they have always
espoused. They pay his fine, they contribute to the increase
of his stock, his shop is crowded with customers, and the sale
of his paper rises in proportion to the scandal it contains. All
this time the prosecutor is inveighed against as a tyrant and
oppressor, for having chosen to proceed by the way of in-
fonnation, which is deemed a grievance ; but if he lays an
action for damages he must prove the damage, and T leave
you to judge whether a gentleman's character may not be
brought into contempt, and all his views in life blasted by
calumny, without his being able to specify the particulars of
the damage he has sustained. This spirit of defamation is
a kind of heresy that thrives under prosecution. The lib erf v

105

THE EXPEDITION OF,

of the press is a term of great efficacy, and, like that of the
Protestant religion, has often served the purposes of sedition.
A minister, therefore, must arm himself with patience, and
bear those attacks without repining. Whatever mischief they
may do in other respects, they certainly contribute, in one
particular, to the advantage of government, for those defama-
tory articles have multiplied papers in such a manner, and
augmented their sale to such a degree, that the duty upon
stamps and advertisements has made a very considerable ad-
dition to the revenue."

Certain it is, a gentleman's honour is a very delicate subject
to be handled by a jury, composed of men who cannot be
supposed remarkable either for sentiment or impartiality. In
such a case, indeed, the defendant is tried, not only by his
peers, but also by his party; and I really think, that, of all
patriots, he is the most resolute who exposes himself to such
detraction for the sake of his country. If, from the ignorance
or partiality of juries, a gentleman can have no redress from
law for being defamed in a pamphlet or newspaper, I know
but one other method of proceeding against the publisher,
which is attended with some risk, but has been practised suc-
cessfully, more than once, in my remembrance. A regiment
of horse was represented, in one of the newspapers, as having
misbehaved at Dettingen ; a captain of that regiment broke
the publisher's bones, telling him, at the same time, if he went
to law he should certainly have the like salutation from every

officer of the corps. Governor took the same satisfaction

on the ribs of an author, who traduced him by name in a
periodical paper. I know a low fellow of the same class, who,
being turned out of Venice for his impudence and scurrility,
retired to Lugano, a town of the Grisons, a free people, God
wot, where he found a printing-press, from whence he
squirted his filth- at some respectable characters in the re-
public which he had been obliged to abandon. Some of these,
finding him out of the reach of legal chastisement, employed
certain useful instruments, such as may be found in all coun-
tries, to give him the bastinado, which, being repeated more
than once, effectually stopped the current of his abuse.

As for the liberty of the press, like every other privilege, it
must be restrained within certain bounds, for if it is carried

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

to a breach of law, religion, and charity, it becomes one of
the greatest evils that ever annoyed the community. If the
lowest ruffian may stab your good name with impunity in
England, will you be so uncandid as to exclaim against Italy
for the practice of common assassination? To what purpose
is our property secured if our moral character is left defence-
less ! People thus baited grow desperate, and the despair of
being able to preserve one's character untainted by such ver-
min, produces a total neglect of fame, so that one of the chief
incitements to the practice of virtue is effectually destroyed.

Mr. Barton's last consideration, respecting the stamp-duty,
is equally wise and laudable with another maxim which has
been long adopted by our financiers, namely, to connive at
drunkenness, riot, and dissipation, because they enhance the
receipt of the excise; not reflecting that, in providing this
temporary convenience, they are destroying the morals,
health, and industry of the people. Notwithstanding my con-
tempt for those who flatter a minister, I think there is some-
thing still more despicable in flattering a mob. When I see
a man of birth, education, and fortune, put himself on a level
with the dregs of the people, mingle with low mechanics, feed
with them at the same board, and drink with them in the same
cup, flatter their prejudices, harangue in praise of their vir-
tues, expose themselves to the belchings of their beer, the
fumes of their tobacco, the grossness of their familiarity, and
the impertinence of their conversation, I cannot help despising
him, as a man guilty of the vilest prostitution, in order to
effect a purpose equally selfish and illiberal.

1 should renounce politics the more willingly, if I could
find other topics of conversation discussed with more mod-
esty and candour; but the demon of party seems to have
usurped every department of life. Even the world of litera-
ture and taste is divided into the most virulent factions, which
revile, decry, and traduce the works of one another. Yester-
day I went to return an afternoon's visit to a gentleman of
my acquaintance, at whose house I found one of the authors
of the present age, who has written with some success. As
I had read one or two of his performances, which gave me
pleasure, I was glad of this opportunity to know his person;
Init his discourse and deportment destroyed all the impres-

T07

THE EXPEDITION OF

sions which his writings had made in his favour. He took
upon him to decide dogmatically upon every subject, without
deigning to show the least cause for his differing from the
general opinions of mankind, as if it had been our duty to
acquiesce in the ipse dixit of this new Pythagoras. He re-
judged the characters of all the principal authors, who had
died within a century of the present time; and, in this re-
vision, paid no sort of regard to the reputation they had ac-
quired. Milton was harsh and prosaic, Dryden languid and
verbose, Butler and Swift without humour, Congreve with-
out wit, and Pope destitute of any sort of poetical merit; as
for his contemporaries, he could not bear to hear one of them
mentioned with any degree of applause ; they were all dunces,
pedants, plagiaries, quacks, and impostors ; and you could not
name a single performance but what was tame, stupid, and
insipid. It must be owned, that this writer had nothing to
charge his conscience with on the side of flattery; for, I un-
derstand, he was never known to praise one line that was
written even by those with whom he lived in terms of good
fellowship. This arrogance and presumption, in depreciating
authors for whose reputation the company may be interested,
is such an insult upon the understanding, as I could not bear
without wincing.

I desired to know his reasons for decrying some works
which had afforded me uncommon pleasure ; and, as demon-
stration did not seem to be his talent, I dissented from his
opinion with great freedom. Having been spoiled by the def-
erence and humility of his hearers, he did not bear contradic-
tion with much temper; and the dispute might have grown
warm, had it not been interrupted by the entrance of a rival
bard, at whose appearance he always quits the place. They
are of different cabals, and have been at open war these
twenty years. If the other was dogmatical, this genius was
declamatory; he did not discourse, but harangue; and his
orations were equally tedious and turgid. He too pronounced
ex cathedra upon the characters of his contemporaries; and
though he scruples not to deal out praise even lavishly to the
lowest reptile in Grub Street, who will either flatter him in
l)rivatc, or mount Ihc public rostrum as his panegyrist, he
damns all the other writers of the age with the utmost inso-

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

lence and rancour. One is a blunderbuss, as being a native
of Ireland ; another a half-starved louse of literature, from
the banks of the Tweed ; a third an ass, because he enjoys a
pension from government ; a fourth the very angel of dulness,
because he succeeded in a species of writing in which this
Aristarchus had failed ; a fifth, who presumed to make strict-
ures upon one of his performances, he holds as a bug in criti-
cism, whose strength is more offensive than his sting; in
short, except himself and his myrmidons, there is not a man
of learning or genius in the three kingdoms. As for the suc-
cess of those who have written without the pale of this con-
federacy, he imputes it entirely to want of taste in the public ;
not considering, that to the approbation of that very tasteless
public, he himself owes all the consequence he has in life.

Those originals are not fit for conversation. If they would
maintain the advantage they have gained by their writing,
they should never appear but upon paper; for my part, I am
shocked to find a man have sublime ideas in his head, and
nothing but illiberal sentiments in his heart. The human soul
will be generally found most defective in the article of can-
dour. I am inclined to think, no mind was ever wholly ex-
empt from envy, w^hich, perhaps, may have been implanted
as an instinct essential to our nature. I am afraid we some-
times palliate this vice, under the specious name of emulation.
I have known a person remarkably generous, humane, mod-
erate, and apparently self-denying, who could not hear even a
friend commended, without betraying marks of uneasiness ; as
if that commendation had implied an odious comparison to
his prejudice, and every wreath of praise added to the other's
character was a garland plucked from his own temples ; this
is a malignant species of jealousy, of which I stand acquitted
in my own conscience — whether it is a vice or an infirmity I
leave you to inquire.

There is another point which I would much rather see de-
termined, whether the world was always as contemptible as
it appears to me at present? If the morals of mankind have
not contracted an extraordinary degree of depravity within
these thirty years, then must I be infected with the common
vice of old men, difflcilis, querulns laudator tcmporis acti; or,
which is more probable, the impetuous pursuits and avoca-

109

THE EXPEDITION OF

tions of youth have formerly hindered me from observing
those rotten parts of human nature, which now appear so
offensively to my observation.

We have been at court and 'change, and everywhere; and
everywhere we find food for spleen, and subject for ridicule.
My new servant, Humphry Clinker, turns out a great orig-
inal, and Tabby is a changed creature; she has parted with
Chowder, and does nothing but smile, like Malvolio in the
play; I'll be hanged if she is not acting a part which is not
natural to her disposition, for some purpose which I have not
yet discovered.

With respect to the characters of mankind, my curiosity is
quite satisfied ; I have done with the science of men, and must
now endeavour to amuse myself with the novelty of things. I
am at present, by a violent effort of the mind, forced from
my natural bias ; but this power ceasing to act, I shall return
to my solitude with redoubled velocity. Everything I see,
and hear, and feel, in this great reservoir of folly, knavery,
and sophistication, contributes to enhance the value of a
country life, in the sentiments of Yours always,

London, June 8. Matt. Bramble.

To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton Hall.

Dear Mary Jones, — Lady Griskin's butler, Mr. Crumb,
having got 'squire Barton to frank me a kiver, I would not
neglect to let you know how it is with me and the rest of the
family.

I could not rite by John Thomas, for because he went away
in a huff, at a minute's warning. He and Chowder could not
agree, and so they fitt upon the road, and Chowder bit his
thumb, and he swore he would do him a mischief, and he spoke
saucy to mistress, whereby the 'squire turned him off in
gudgeon ; and by God's providence we picked up another foot-
man, called Umphry Klinker, a good sole as ever broke bread;
which shows that a scalded cat may pruve a good mouser,
and a hound be stanch, thof he has got narro hare on his but-
tocks ; but the proudest nose may be bro't baor to the grind-
stone l)y sickness and misfortunes.

O Molly, what shall I say of London ? All the towns that

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

ever I beheld in my born days are no more than Welsh bar-
rows and crumlecks to this wonderful sitty ! Even Bath itself
is but a fillitch, in the naam of God, one would think there's
no end of the streets, but the Lands End. Then there's such
a power of people, going hurry skurry ! Such a racket of
coxes ! Such a noise and hali-balloo ! So many strange sites
to be seen ! O gracious ! my poor Welsh brain has been spin-
ning like a top ever since I came hither ! And I have seen the
Park, and the Paleass of Saint Gimeses, and the king's and
the queen's magisterial pursing, and the sweet young princes,
and the hillyfents, and pybald ass, and all the rest of the royal
family.

Last week I went with mistress to the Tower, to see the
crowns and wild beastis; and there was a monstracious lion,
with teeth half a quarter long; and a gentleman bid me not go
near him, if I wasn't a maid ; being as how he would roar,
and tear, and play the dickens. Now I had no mind to go
near him; for I cannot abide such dangerous honeymils, not
I — but mistress would go ; and the beast kept such a roaring
and bouncing, that I tho't he would a broke his cage, and de-
voured us all ; and the gentleman tittered forsooth ; but Pll
go to death upon it, I will, that my lady is as good a firchen
as the child unborn; and therefore either the gentleman told
a phib, or the lion oft to be set in the stocks for bearing false
witness again his neighbour : for the commandment sayeth,
Thou shalt not hear false witness against thy neighbour.

I was afterwards of a party at Sadler's Wells, where I saw
such tumbling and dancing upon ropes and wires, that I was
frightened, and ready to go into a fit — I thought it was all en-
chantment ; and believing myself bewitched, began for to cry.
You knows as how the witches in Wales fly upon broomsticks,
but here was flying without any broomstick, or thing in the
varsal world, and firing of pistols in the air, and blowing of
trumpets, and swinging, and rolling of wheel-barrows upon
a wire (God bliss us!) no thicker than a sewing thread; that,
to be sure, they must deal with the devil. A fine gentleman
with a pig's tail, and a golden sord by his side, came to comfit
me, and offered for to treat me with a pint of wind ; but I
would not stay ; and so in going through the dark passage, he
began to show his cloven futt, and went for to be rude; my

III

THE EXPEDITION OF

fellow-servant Umphry TClinker bid him to be sivil, and he
gave the young man a dowse in the chops ; but, i'fackins, Mr.
Clinker wa'n't long in his debt — with a good oaken sapling-
he dusted his doublet, for all his golden cheese toaster; and,
tipping me under his arm, carried me huom, I nose not how,
being 1 was in such a flustration. But, thank God ! I'm now
vaned from all such vanities ; for what are all those rarities
and vagaries to the glories that shall be revealed hereafter?
O Molly ! let not your poor heart be puffed up with vanity.

I had almost forgot to tell you, that I have had my hair
cut and pippered, and singed, and bolstered, and buckled in
the newest fashion, by a French freezer. Parley vow Francey
— Fee Madmansell. I now carries my head higher than ar-
row private gentlewoman of Vales. Last night, coming huom
from, the meeting, I was taken by lamp-light for an imminent
poulterer's daughter, a great beauty. But, as I was saying,
this is all vanity and vexation of spirit. The pleasures of
London are no better than sower whey and stale cyder, when
compared to the joys of the New Gerusalem.

Dear Mary Jones ! An' please God, when I return I'll
bring you a new cap, with a turkeyshell coom, and a pyehouse
sermon, that was preached in the tabernacle ; and I pray of all
love, you will mind your vriting and your spelling ; for, crav-
ing your pardon, Molly, it made me suet to disseyffer your
last scrabble, which was delivered by the hind at Bath. O
voman ! voman ! if thou hadst but the least consumption of
what pleasure we scullers have, when we can cumster the
crabbidst buck off hand, and spell the ethnitch vords, without
looking at the Primmer. As for Mr. Klinker, he is qualified
to be clerk to a parish. But I'll say no more. Remember me
to Saul — poor sole ! it goes to my hart to think she don't yet
know her letters. But all in God's good time. It shall go
hard, but I will bring her the A B C in gingerbread ; and that,
you nose, will be learning to her taste.

Mistress says, we are going a long gurney to the north ; but
go where we will, I shall ever be, dear Mary Jones, yours with
true infection, Win Jenkins.

London, June 3.

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, c
Dear Wat, — I mentioned in my last, my uncle's design i.

going to the Duke of N 's levee, which design has been

executed accordingly. Plis grace has been so long accustomed
to this kind of homage, that, though the place he now fills
does not imply the tenth part of the influence which he exerted
in his former office, he has given his friends to understand,
that they cannot oblige him in anything more than in con-
tributing to support the shadow of that power which he no
longer retains in substance; and therefore he has still public
days, on which they appear at his levee. My uncle and I went
thither with Mr. Barton, who, being one of the duke's adher-
ents, undertook to be our introducer. The room was pretty
well filled with people, in a great variety of dress; but there
was no more than one gown and cassock, though I was told
his grace had, while he was minister, preferred almost every
individual that now filled the bench of bishops in the House
of Lords; but, in all probability, the gratitude of the clergy
is like their charity, which shuns the light.

Mr. Barton was immediately accosted by a person well
stricken in years, tall and raw-boned, with a hook nose, and
an arch leer, that indicated at least as much cunning as
sagacity. Our conductor saluted him by the name of Captain

C , and afterwards informed us he was a man of shrewd

parts, whom the government occasionally employed in secret
services. But I have had the history of him more at large
from another quarter. He had been, many years ago, con-
cerned in fraudulent practices, as a merchant, in France ; and,
being convicted of some of them, was sent to the galleys, from
whence he was delivered by the interest of the late Duke of
Ormond, to whom he had recommended himself in a letter,
as his namesake and relation. He was, in the sequel, em-
ployed by our ministry as a spy; and, in the war of 1740,
traversed all Spain, as well as France, in the disguise of a cap-
uchin, at the extreme hazard of his life, inasmuch as the Court
of Madrid had actually got scent of him, and given orders to
apprehend him at St. Sebastian's, from whence he had fortu-
nately retired but a few hours before the order arrived. This
and other hairbreadth 'scapes he pleaded so effectually with
the English ministry, that they allowed him a comfortable

THE EXPEDITION OF

lOn, which he now enjoys in his old age. He has still
^cess to all the ministers, and is said to be consulted by them
on many subjects, as a man of uncommon understanding and
great experience. He is in fact a fellow of some parts, and
invincible assurance; and, in his discourse, he assumes such
an air of self-sufficiency, as may very well impose upon some
of the shallow politicians who now labour at the helm of ad-
ministration. But, if he is not belied, this is not the only im-
posture of which he is guilty. They say, he is at bottom not
only a Roman Catholic, but really a priest; and, while he
pretends to disclose to our state-pilots all the springs that
move the Cabinet of Versailles, he is actually picking up in-
telligence for the service of the French minister.

Be that as it may. Captain C entered into conversation

with us in the most familiar manner, and treated the duke's
character without any ceremony. " This wiseacre," said he,
'' is still a-bed ; and, I think, the best thing he can do is to sleep
on till Christmas; for, when he gets up, he does nothing but
expose his own folly. Since Grenville was turned out, there
has been no minister in this nation worth the meal that whit-
ened his periwig. They are so ignorant, they scarce know a
crab from a cauliflower ; and then they are such dunces, that
there's no making them comprehend the plainest proposition.
In the beginning of the war, this poor half-witted creature
told me, in a great fright, that thirty thousand French had
marched from Acadia to Cape Breton. ' Where did they find
transports ? ' said I. * Transports ! ' cried he, * I tell you they
marched by land.' — ' By land to the island of Cape Breton ! '
— ' V\^hat ! is Cape Breton an island ? ' — ' Certainly.' — ' Hah !
are you sure of that ? ' When I pointed it out in the map, he
examined it earnestly with his spectacles ; then taking me in

his arms, ' My dear C ! ' cried he, ' you always bring us

good news. Egad ! 1*11 go directly, and tell the King that
Cape Breton is an island.' "

He seemed disposed to entertain us with more anecdotes of
this nature, at the expense of his grace, when he was inter-
rupted by the arrival of the Algerme ambassador, a venerable
Turk, with a long white beard, attended by his dragoman, or
interpreter, and another officer of his household, who had got
no stockings to his legs. Captain C immediately spoke

iij.

HUMPHRY CLINKER

with an air of authority to a servant in waiting, bidding him
go and tell the duke to rise, as there was a great deal of com-
pany come, and, among others, the ambassador from Algiers.
Then turning to us, " This poor Turk," said he, " notwith-
standing his grey beard, is a greenhorn. He has been several
years resident at London, and still is ignorant of our political
revolutions. This visit is intended for the prime minister of
England ; but you'll see how this wise duke will receive it as
a mark of attachment to his own person." Certain it is, the
duke seemed eager to acknowledge the compliment. A door
opening, he suddenly bolted out, with a shaving cloth under
his chin, his face frothed up to the eyes with soap lather ; and,
running up to the ambassador, grinned hideous in his face —
" My dear Mahomet," said he, " God love your long beard ;
I hope the Dey will make you a horse-tail at the next promo-
tion, ha, ha, ha ! Have but a moment's patience, and I'll send
to you in a twinkling." So saying, he retreated into his den,
leaving the Turk in some confusion. After a short pause,
however, he said something to his interpreter, the meaning
of which I had great curiosity to know, as he turned up his
eyes while he spoke, expressing astonishment, mixed with
devotion. We were gratified by means of the communicative

Captain C , who conversed with the dragoman as an old

acquaintance. Ibrahim, the ambassador, who had mistaken
his grace for the minister's fool, was no sooner undeceived by
the interpreter, than he exclaimed to this effect : " Holy
prophet ! I don't wonder that this nation prospers, seeing it
is governed by the counsel of idiots ; a species of men, whom
all good Mussulmen revere as the organs of immediate in-
spiration ! " Ibrahim was favoured with a particular audi-
ence of short duration ; after which the duke conducted him
to the door, and then returned to diffuse his gracious looks
among the crowd of his worshippers.

As Mr. Barton advanced to present me to his grace, it was
my fortune to attract his notice before I was announced. He
forthwith met me more than half-way, and, seizing me by the
hand, " My dear Sir Francis," cried he, " this is so kind — I
vow God ! I am so obliged — Such attention to a poor broken
minister — Well — pray when does your Excellency sail ? — For
God's sake have a care of your health, and eat stewed prunes

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THE EXPEDITION OF

in the passage — Next to your own precious health, pray, my
dear Excellency, take care of the five nations — Our good
friends the five nations — The Toryrories, the Maccolmacks,
the Out-o'-the-Ways, the Crickets, and the Kickshaws — Let
'em have plenty of blankets, and stinkubuss, and wampum;
and your Excellency won't fail to scour the kettle, and boil
the chain, and bury the tree, and plant the hatchet — Ha,
ha, ha!"

When he had uttered this rhapsody, with his usual precipi-
tation, Mr. Barton gave him to understand that I was neither
Sir Francis, nor St. Francis ; but simply Mr. Melford, nephew
to Mr. Bramble ; who, stepping forward, made his bow at the
same time. " Odso ! no more it is Sir Francis," said this
wise statesman — *' Mr. Melford, I am glad to see you — I sent
you an engineer to fortify your dock — Mr. Bramble — your
servant, Mr. Bramble — How d'ye, good Mr. Bramble — Your
nephew is a pretty young fellow — Faith and troth a very
pretty fellow ! — His father is my old friend — How does he
hold it? — Still troubled with that d — ned disorder, ha?" —
" No, my Lord," replied my uncle, " all his troubles are over.
He has been dead these fifteen years." — " Dead ! how — Yes,
faith ! now I remember — He is dead, sure enough — Well, and
how — does the young gentleman stand for Haverford West?
or — a — what d'ye — My dear Mr. Milfordhaven, I'll do you
all the service in my power — I hope I have some credit left "
— My uncle then gave him to understand that I was still a
minor ; and that we had no intention to trouble him at present
for any favour whatsoever. '' T came hither with my
nephew," added he, " to pay our respects to your grace ; and
I may venture to say, that his views and mine are at least as
disinterested as those of any individual in this assembly." —
** My dear Mr. Brambleberry, you do me infinite honour. T
shall always rejoice to see you and your hopeful nephew, Mr.
^lilfordhaven. My credit, such as it is, you may command.
I wish we had more friends of your kidney."

Then, turning to Captain C , "Ha, C !" said he,

"what news, C ? How docs the world wag, ha?" —

" The world wags much after the old fashion, my Lord," an-
swered the Captain. " The politicians of London and West-
minster have begun again to wag their tongues against your

ii6

HUMPHRY CLINKER

grace; and your short-lived popularity wags like a feather,
which the next puff of anti-ministerial calumny will blow
away." — " A pack of rascals," cried the duke ; " Tories, Ja-
cobites, rebels; one half of them would wag their heels at
Tyburn, if they had their desert." So saying, he wheeled
about; and, going round the levee, spoke to every individual,
with the most courteous familiarity ; but he scarce ever opened
his mouth without making some blunder in relation to the
person or business of the party with whom he conversed ; so
that he really looked like a comedian hired to burlesque the
character of a minister. At length a person of a very pre-
possessing appearance coming in, his grace ran up, and hug-
ging him in his arms, with the appellation of " My dear
Ch — s ! " led him forthwith into the inner apartment, or Sanc-
tum Sanctorum of this political temple.

" That," said Captain C , '' is my friend C T ,

almost the only man of parts who has any concern in the
present administration. Indeed, he would have no concern
at all in the matter, if the ministry did not find it absolutely
necessary to make use of his talents upon some particular oc-
casions. As for the common business of the nation, it is car-
ried on in a constant routine by the clerks of the different
offices, otherwise the wheels of government would be wholly
stopped amidst the abrupt succession of ministers, every one
more ignorant than his predecessor. I am thinking what a
fine hobble we should be in, if all the clerks of the Treasury,
of the secretaries, the War Office, and the Admiralty, should
take it in their heads to throw up their places in imitation of
the great pensioner. But to return to C T ; he cer-
tainly knows more than all the ministry and all the opposition,
if their heads were laid together, and talks like an angel on
a vast variety of subjects. He would really be a great man,
if he had any consistency or stability of character. Then it
must be owned, he wants courage, otherwise he would never
allow himself to be cowed by the great political bully, for
whose understanding he has justly a very great contempt. I
have seen him as much afraid of that overbearing Hector,
as ever schoolboy was of his pedagogue ; and yet this Hector,
I shrewdly suspect, is no more than a craven at bottom. Be-
sides this defect, C , has another, which he is at too little

IT7

THE EXPEDITION OF

pains to hide. There is no faith to be given to his assertions,
and no trust to be put in his promises. However, to give the
devil his due, he is very good-natured; and even friendly,
when close urged in the way of solicitation. As for principle,
that's out of the question. In a word, he is a wit and an
orator, extremely entertaining; and he shines very often at
the expense even of those ministers to whom he is a retainer.
This Is a mark of great imprudence, by which he has made
them all his enemies, whatever face they may put upon the
matter; and sooner or later he'll have cause to wish he had
been able to keep his own counsel. I have several times cau-
tioned him on this subject; but it is all preaching to the desert.
His vanity runs away with his discretion."

I could not help thinking the Captain himself might have
been the better for some hints of the same nature. His pan-
egyric, excluding principle and veracity, puts me in mind of
a contest I once overheard, in the way of altercation, betwixt
two apple-women in Spring Garden. One of those viragoes
having hinted something to the prejudice of the other's moral
character, her antagonist, setting her hands in her sides, re-
plied, '' Speak out, hussy. I scorn your malice. I own I am
both a whore and a thief; and what more have you to say?
D — n you, what more have you to say ? bating that, which all
the world knows, I challenge you to say black is the white of

my eye." We did not wait for Mr. T 's coming forth;

but, after Captain C had characterised all the originals

in waiting, we adjourned to a coffee-house, where we had
buttered muffins and tea to breakfast, the said Captain still
favouring us with his company. Nay, my uncle was so di-
verted with his anecdotes, that he asked him to dinner, and
treated him with a fine turbot, to which he did ample justice.
That same evening I spent at the tavern with some friends,
one of whom let me into C 's character, which Mr. Bram-
ble no sooner understood, than he expressed some concern for
the connexion he had made, and resolved to disengage himself
from it without ceremony.

We are become members of the Society for the Encourage-
ment of the Arts, and have assisted at some of their delibera-
tions, which were conducted with equal spirit and sagacity.
My uncle is extremely fond of the institution, which will cer-

ii8

HUMPHRY CLINKER

tainly be productive of great advantages to the public, if,
from its democratical form, it does not degenerate into cabal
and corruption. You are already acquainted with his aver-
sion to the influence of the multitude, which he affirms, is in-
compatible with excellence, and subversive of order. Indeed,
his detestation of the mob has been heightened by fear, ever
since he fainted in the room at Bath. And this apprehension
has prevented him from going to the little theatre in the Hay-
market, and other places of entertainment, to which, how-
ever, I have had the honour to attend the ladies.

It grates old Squaretoes to reflect, that it is not in his power
to enjoy even the most elegant diversions of the capital, with-
out the participation of the vulgar ; for they now thrust them-
selves into all assemblies, from a ridotto at St. James's to a
hop at Rotherhithe.

I have lately seen our old acquaintance Dick Ivy, who we
imagined had died of dram-drinking ; but he is lately emerged
from the Fleet, by means of a pamphlet which he wrote and
published against the government with some success. The
sale of this performance enabled him to appear in clean linen,
and he is now going about soliciting subscriptions for his
poems ; but his breeches are not yet in the most decent order.
Dick certainly deserves some countenance for his intrepidity
and perseverance. It is not in the power of disappointment,
nor even of damnation, to drive him to despair. After some
unsuccessful essays in the way of poetry, he commenced
brandy merchant, and I believe his whole stock ran out
through his own bowels; then he consorted with a milk-
woman, who kept a cellar in Petty France. But he could not
make his quarters good; he was dislodged and driven up-
stairs into the kennel by a corporal in the second regiment
of footguards. Fie was afterwards the laureate of Black-
friars, from whence there was a natural transition to the
Fleet. As he had formerly miscarried in panegyric, he now
turned his thoughts to satire, and really seems to have some
talent for abuse. If he can hold out till the meeting of parlia-
ment, and be prepared for another charge, in all probability
Dick will mount the pillory, or obtain a pension, in either of
which events his fortune will be made.

119

THE EXPEDITION OF

Meanwhile he has acquired some degree of consideration
with the respectable writers of the age; and as I have sub-
scribed for his works, he did me the favour t'other night to
introduce me to a society of those geniuses, but I found them
exceedingly formal and reserved. They seemed afraid and
jealous of one another, and sat in a state of mutual repulsion,
like so many particles of vapour, each surrounded by its own
electrified atmosphere. Dick, who has more vivacity than
judgment, tried more than once to enliven the conversation :
sometimes making an effort at wit, sometimes letting off a
pun, and sometimes discharging a conundrum ; nay, at length
he started a dispute upon the hackneyed comparison betwixt
blank verse and rhyme, and the professors opened with great
clamour; but, instead of keeping to the subject, they launched
out into tedious dissertations on the poetry of the ancients ;
and one of them, who had been a schoolmaster, displayed his
whole knowledge of prosody, gleaned from Disputer and
Ruddiman. At last, I ventured to say, I did not see how the
subject in (lucstion could be at all elucidated by the practice
of the ancients, who certainly had neither blank verse nor
rhyme in their poems, which were measured by feet, whereas
ours are reckoned by the number of syllables. This remark
seemed to give umbrage to the pedant, who forthwith in-
volved himself in a cloud of Greek and Latin quotations,
which nobody attempted to dispel. A confused hum of insipid
observations and comments ensued ; and, ujxDn the whole, I
never passed a duller evening in my life. Yet, without all
doubt, some of them were men of learning, wit, and ingenuity.
As they are afraid of making free with one another, they
should bring each his butt, or whetstone, along with him, for
the entertainment of the company. My uncle says he never
desires to meet with more than one wit at a time. One wit,
like a knuckle of ham in soup, gives a zest and flavour to the
dish ; but more than one serves only to spoil the pottage.
And now I'm afraid I have given you an unconscionable mess
without any flavour at all ; for which, I suppose, you will
bestow your benediction upon Your friend and servant,

London, June 5. J. Melford.

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Lewis, — Your fable of the Monkey and the Pig is
what the Italians call hen trovata. But I shall not repeat it
to my apothecary, who is a proud Scotchman, very thin-
skinned, and, for aught I know, may have his degree in his
pocket. A right Scotchman has always two strings to his
bow, and is in iitrimiquc paratiis. Certain it is, I have not
'scaped a scouring; but, I believe, by means of that scouring,
I have 'scaped something worse, perhaps a tedious fit of the
gout or rheumatism ; for my appetite began to flag, and I had
certain croakings in the bowels which boded me no good.
Nay, I am not yet quite free of those remembrances, which
warn me to be gone from this centre of infection.

What temptation can a man of my turn and temperament
have, to live in a place where every corner teems with fresh
objects of detestation and disgust? What kind of taste and
organs must those people have, who really prefer the adul-
terated enjoyments of the town to the genuine pleasures of a
country retreat? Most people, I know, are originally seduced
by vanity, ambition, and childish curiosity ; which cannot be
gratified, but in the hiisy haunts of men. But, in the course
of this gratification, their very organs of sense are perverted,
and they become habitually lost to every relish of what is
genuine and excellent in its own nature.

Shall I state the difference between my town grievances
and my country comforts? At Brambleton Hall, I have
elbow-room within doors, and breathe a clear, elastic, salutary
air. I enjoy refreshing sleep, which is never disturbed by
horrid noise, nor interrupted, but in a morning, by the sweet
titter of the marlet at my window. I drink the virgin lymph,
pure and crystalline as it gushes from the rock, or the spar-
kling beverage, home-brewed from m.alt of my own making ;
or I indulge with cider, which my own orchard affords, or
with claret of the best growth, imported for my own use, by
a correspondent on whose integrity I can depend ; my bread
is sweet and nourishing, made from my own wheat, ground
in my own mill, and baked in my own oven ; my table is, in a
great measure, furnished from my own ground ; my five-year-
old mutton, fed on the fragrant herbage of the mountains,

121

THE EXPEDITION OF,

tliat might vie with venison in juice and flavour; my delicious
veal, fattened with nothing but the mother's milk, that fills
the dish with gravy; my poultry, from the barn-door, that
never knew confinement but when they were at roost ; my
rabbits panting from the warren ; my game fresh from the
moors; my trout and salmon struggling from the stream;
oysters from their native banks; and herrings, with other
sea-fish, I can eat in four hours after they are taken. My
salads, roots, and potherbs my own garden yields in plenty
and perfection, the produce of the natural soil, prepared by
moderate cultivation. The same soil affords all the diflferent
fruits which England may call her own, so that my dessert is
every day fresh gathered from the tree; my dairy flows with
nectareous tides of milk and cream, from whence we derive
abundance of excellent butter, curds, and cheese; and the
refuse fattens my pigs, that are destined for hams and bacon.
I go to bed betimes, and rise with the sun. I make shift to
pass the hours without weariness or regret, and am not desti-
tute of amusements within doors, when the weather will not
permit me to go abroad. I read, and chat, and play at bil-
liards, cards, or backgammon. Without doors, I superintend
my farm, and execute plans of improvement, the effects of
which I enjoy with unspeakable delight. Nor do I take less
pleasure in seeing my tenants thrive under my auspices, and
the poor live comfortably by the employment which I provide.
You know I have one or two sensible friends, to whom I can
open all my heart; a blessing which, perhaps, I might have
sought in vain among the crowded scenes of life. There are
a few others of more humble parts, whom I esteem for their
integrity; and their conversation I find inofifensive, though
not very entertaining. Finally, I live in the midst of honest
men and trusty dependants, who, I flatter myself, have a dis-
interested attachment to my person. You yourself, my dear
doctor, can vouch for the truth of these assertions.

Now, mark the contrast at London. I am pent up in frowsy
lodgings, where there is not room enough to swing a cat, and
I breathe the steams of endless putrefaction ; and these would,
undoubtedly, produce a pestilence, if they were not qualified
by the gross acid of sea-coal, which is itself a pernicious
nuisance to lungs of anv delicacv of texture. But even this

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

boasted corrector cannot prevent those languid sallow looks
that distinguish the inhabitants of London from those ruddy
swains that lead a country life. I go to bed after midnight,
jaded and restless from the dissipations of the day. I start
every hour from my sleep, at the horrid noise of the watch-
men bawling the hour through every street, and thundering at
every door ; a set of useless fellows, who serve no other pur-
pose but that of disturbing the repose of the inhabitants ; and,
by five o'clock, I start out of bed, in consequence of the still
more dreadful alarm made by the country carts, and noisy
rustics bellowing green peas under my window. If I would
drink water, I must quaff the mawkish contents of an open
aqueduct, exposed to all manner of defilement, or swallow that
which comes from the river Thames, impregnated with all
the filth of London and Westminster. Human excrement is
the least oft'ensive part of the concrete, which is composed of
all the drugs, minerals, and poisons used in mechanics and
manufactures, enriched with the putrefying carcases of
beasts and men, and mixed with the scourings of all the wash-
tubs, kennels, and common sewers within the bills of mor-
tality.

This is the agreeable potation extolled by the Londoners as
the finest water in the universe. As to the intoxicating potion
sold for wine, it is a vile, unpalatable, and pernicious sophisti-
cation, balderdashed with cider, corn spirit, and the juice of
sloes. In an action at law, laid against a carman for having
staved a cask of port, it appeared, from the evidence of the
cooper, that there were not above five gallons of real wine in
the whole pipe, which held above a hundred, and even that
had been brewed and adulterated by the merchant at Oporto.
The bread I eat in London is a deleterious paste, mixed up
with chalk, alum, and bone-ashes, insipid to the taste, and de-
structive to the constitution. The good people are not igno-
rant of this adulteration ; but they prefer it to wholesome
bread, because it is whiter than the meal of corn. Thus they
sacrifice their taste and their health, and the lives of their
tender infants, to a most absurd gratification of a misjudging
eye; and the miller or the baker is obliged to poison them
and their families, in order to live by his profession. The
same monstrous depravity appears in their veal, which is

123

THE EXPEDITION OF

bleached by repealed bleedings, and other villanous arts, till
there is not a drop of juice left in the body, and the poor
animal is paralytic before it dies ; so void of all taste, nourish-
ment, and savour, that a man might dine as comfortably on
a white fricassee of kidskin gloves, or chip hats from Leg-
horn.

As they have discharged the natural colour from their
bread, their butchers' meat, and poultry, their cutlets, ragouts,
fricassees, and sauces of all kinds — so they insist upon having
the complexion of their potherbs mended, even at the hazard
of their lives. Perhaps, you will hardly believe that they can
be so mad as to boil their greens with brass halfpence, in
order to improve their colour; and yet nothing is more true.
Indeed, without this improvement in the colour, they have no
personal merit. They are produced in an artificial soil, and
taste of nothing but the dunghills from whence they spring.
My cabbage, cauliflower, and asparagus in the country, are
as much superior in flavour to those that are sold in Covent
Garden, as my heath mutton is to that of St. James's market,
which, in fact, is neither lamb nor mutton, but something be-
twixt the two, gorged in the rank fens of Lincoln and Essex,
pale, coarse, and frowsy. As for the pork, it is an abomina-
ble carnivorous animal, fed with horse-flesh and distillers'
grains ; and the poultry is all rotten, in consequence of a
fever, occasioned by the infamous practice of sewing up the
gut, that they may be the sooner fattened in coops, in conse-
quence of this cruel retention.

Of the fish I need say nothing in this hot weather, but that
it comes sixty, seventy, fourscore, and a hundred miles by
land carriage; a circumstance sufficient, without any com-
ment, to turn a Dutchman's stomach, even if his nose was not
saluted in every alley with the sweet flavour of fresh mack-
erel, selling by retail. This is not the season for oysters ;
nevertheless, it may not be amiss to mention, that the right
Colchester are kept in slime pots, occasionally overflowed by
the sea; and that the green colorr, so much admired by the
voluptuaries of this metropolis, is occasioned by the vitriolic
scum, which rises on the surface of the stagnant and stinking-
water. Our rabbits are bred and fed in the poulterer's cellar,
where they have neither air nor exercise; consequently they

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

must be firm in flesh, anrl delicious in flavour ; and there is no
game to be had for love or money.

It must be owned, that Covent Garden affords some good
fruit; which, however, is always engrossed by a few individ-
uals of overgrown fortune, at an exorbitant price; so that
little else than the refuse of the market falls to the share of
the community — and that is distributed by such filthy hands
as I cannot look at without loathing. It was but yesterday
that I saw a dirty barrow-bunter in the street, cleaning her
dusty fruit with her own spittle ; and who knows but some
fine lady of St. James's parish might admit into her delicate
mouth those very cherries, which had been rolled and mois-
tened between the filthy, and perhaps ulcerated chops of a
St. Giles's huckster. I need not dwell upon the pallid con-
taminated mash which they call strawberries, soiled and tossed
by greasy paws through twenty baskets crusted with dirt;
and then presented with the worst milk, thickened with the
worst flour, into a bad likeness of cream. But the milk itself
should not pass unanalysed, the produce of faded cabbage
leaves and sour draff, lowered with hot water, frothed with
bruised snails, carried through the streets in open pails, ex-
posed to foul rinsings discharged from doors and windows,
spittle, snot, and tobacco-quids from foot-passengers, over-
flowing from mud carts, spattering from coach wheels, dirt
and trash chucked into it by roguish boys for the joke's sake,
the spewings of infants, who have slabbered in the tin meas-
ure, which is thrown back in that condition among the milk,
for the benefit of the next customer ; and, finally, the vermin
that drops from the rags of the nasty drab that vends this
precious mixture, under the respectable denomination of milk-
maid.

I shall conclude this catalogue of London dainties with
table-beer, guiltless of hops and malt, vapid and nauseous,
much fitter to facilitate the operation of a vomit, than to
quench thirst and promote digestion ; the tallowy rancid mass
called butter, manufactured with candle grease and kitchen
stufl:; and their fresh eggs, imported from France and Scot-
land. Now, all these enormities might be remedied with a
very little attention to the article of police, or civil regulation :
but the wise patriots of London have taken it into their heads,

125

THE EXPEDITION OF

that all regulation is inconsistent with liberty ; and that every
man ought to live in his own way, without restraint. Nay,
as there is not sense enough left among them to be discom-
posed by the nuisances I have mentioned, they may, for aught
I care, wallow in the mire of their own pollution.

A companionable man will, undoubtedly, put up with many
inconveniences, for the sake of enjoying agreeable society.
A facetious friend of mine used to say, the wine could not be
bad where the company was agreeable ; a maxim which, how-
ever, ought to be taken aim grano salis. But what is the
society of London, that I should be tempted for its sake to
mortify my senses, and compound with such uncleanness as
my soul abhors ? All the people I see are too much engrossed
by schemes of interest or ambition, to have any room left for
sentiment or friendship. Even in some of my old acquaint-
ance, those schemes and pursuits have obliterated all traces
of our former connexion. Conversation is reduced to party
disputes and illiberal altercation — social commerce to formal
visits and card-playing. If you pick up a diverting original
by accident, it may be dangerous to amuse yourself with his
oddities. He is generally a tartar at bottom — a sharper, a
spy, or a lunatic. Every person you deal with endeavours to
overreach you in the way of business. You are preyed upon
by idle mendicants, who beg in the phrase of borrowing, and
live upon the spoils of the stranger. Your tradesmen are
without conscience, your friends without affection, and your
dependants without fidelity.

My letter would swell into a treatise were I to particularise
every cause of oflfence that fills up the measure of my aver-
sion to this and every other crowded city. Thank Heaven !
I am not so far sucked into the vortex, but that I can disen-
gage myself without any great effort of philosophy. From
this wild uproar of knavery, folly, and impertinence, I shall
fly with double relish to the serenity of retirement, the cordial
effusions of unreserved friendship, the hospitality and protec-
tion of the rural gods; in a word, the jncunda ohlivia vita:,
which Horace himself had not ta?':e enough to enjoy.

I have agreed for a good travelling coach and four, at a
guinea a-day, for three months certain ; and next week we
intend to begin our journey to the north, hoping still to be

126

HUMPHRY CLINKER

with you by the latter end of October. I shall continue to
write from every stage where we make any considerable halt,
as often as anything occurs which I think can afford you the
least amaisement. In the meantime I must beg you will su-
perintend the economy of Barnes, with respect to my hay and
corn harvests; assured that my ground produces nothing but
what you may freely call your own. On any other terms I
should be ashamed to subscribe myself your invariable friend,
London, June 8. Matt. Bramble.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — In my last I mentioned my having spent
an evening with a society of authors, who seemed to be jealous
and afraid of one another. My uncle was not at all surprised
to hear me say I was disappointed in their conversation. " A
man may be very entertaining and instructive upon paper,''
said he, " and exceedingly dull in common discourse. I have
observed that those who shine most in private company are
but secondary stars in the constellation of genius. A small
stock of ideas is more easily managed and sooner displayed,
than a great quantity crowded together. There is very sel-
dom anything extraordinary in the appearance and address
of a good writer; whereas, a dull author generally distin-
guishes himself by some oddity or extravagance. For this
reason I fancy that an assembly of Grubs must be very divert-
ing."

My curiosity being excited by this hint, I consulted my
friend Dick Ivy, who undertook to gratify it the very next
day, which was Sunday last. — He carried me to dine with

S , whom you and I have long known by his writings.

Pie lives in the skirts of the town, and every Sunday his house
is open to all unfortunate brothers of the quill, whom he
treats with beef, pudding, and potatoes, port, punch, and Cal-
vert's entire butt-beer. He has fixed upon the first day of the
week for the exercise of his hospitality, because some of his
guests could not enjoy it on any other, for reasons that I
need not explain. I was civilly received, in a plain yet decent
habitation, which opened backwards into a very pleasant gar-
den, kept in excellent order ; and, indeed, I saw none of the

i2y

THE EXPEDITION OF

outward signs of authorship, either in the house or the land-
lord, who is one of those few writers of the age that stand
upon their own foundation, without patronage, and above de-
pendence. If there was nothing characteristic in the enter-
tainer, the company made ample amends for his want of sin-
gularity.

At two in the afternoon I found myself one of ten mess-
mates seated at table; and I question if the whole kingdom
could produce such another assemblage of originals. Among
their peculiarities I do not mention those of dress, which may
be purely accidental. What struck me w^ere oddities original-
ly produced by affectation, and afterwards confirmed by habit.
One of them wore spectacles at dinner, and another his hat
flapped ; though, as Ivy told me, the first was noted for having
a seaman's eye, when a bailiff was in the wind ; and the other
was never known to labour under any weakness or defect of
vision, except about five years ago, when he was compli-
mented with a couple of black eyes by a player, with whom he
had quarrelled in his drink. A third wore a laced stocking,
and made use of crutches, because, once in his life, he had
been laid up with a broken leg, though no man could leap
over a stick with more agility. A fourth had contracted such
an antipathy to the country, that he insisted upon sitting with
his back towards the window that looked into the garden;
and when a dish of cauliflower was set upon the table, he
snuffed up volatile salts to keep him from fainting; yet this
delicate person was the son of a cottager, born under a hedge,
and had many years run wild among asses on a common. A
fifth affected distraction ; when spoken to, he always answered
from the purpose — sometimes he suddenly started up, and
rapped out a dreadful oath — sometimes he burst out a-laugh-
ing — then he folded his arms and sighed — and then he hissed
like fifty serpents.

At first I really thought he was mad, and, as he sat near
me, began to be under some apprehensions for my own safety,
when our landlord, perceiving me alarmed, assured me aloud,
that I had nothing to fear — " The gentleman," said he, " is
trying to act a part for which he is by no means qualified — if
he had all the inclination in the world, it is not in his power
to be mad. His spirits arc too flat to be kindled into frenzy."

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

" 'Tis no bad p-p-puff how-ow-ever," observed a person in a
tarnished laced coat ; *' aff-ffected m-madness w-will p-pass
for w-wit, w-with nine-nineteen out of t-wenty " — '' And
affected stuttering for humour," rephed our landlord ;
'' though, God knows, there is no affinity between them." It
seems this wag, after having made some abortive attempts in
plain speaking, had recourse to this defect, by means of which
he frequently extorted the laugh of the company, without the
least expense of genius; and that imperfection, which he had
at first counterfeited, was now become so habitual, that he
could not lay it aside.

A certain winking genius, who wore yellow gloves at din-
ner, had, on his first introduction, taken such offence at S ,

because he looked and talked, and ate and drank, like any
other man, that he spoke contemptuously of his understanding
ever after, and never would repeat his visit until he had ex-
hibited the following proof of his caprice : Wat Wyvil, the
poet, having made some unsuccessful advances towards an

intimacy with S , at last gave him to understand, by a

third person, that he had written a poem in his praise, and a
satire against his person ; that, if he would admit him to his
house, the first should be immediately sent to the press ; but
that if he persisted in declining his friendship, he would pub-
lish the satire without delay. S replied, that he looked

upon Wyvil's panegyric as, in effect, a species of infamy, and
would resent it accordingly with a good cudgel ; but if he
published the satire, he might deserve his compassion, and
had nothing to fear from his revenge. Wyvil, having con-
sidered the alternative, resolved to mortify S , by printing

the panegyric, for which he received a sound drubbing. Then
he swore the peace against the aggressor, who, in order to
avoid a prosecution at law, admitted him to his good graces.

It was the singularity in S 's conduct on this occasion,

that reconciled him to the yellow-gloved philosopher, who
owned he had some genius, and from that period cultivated
his acquaintance.

Curious to know upon what subjects the several talents of
my fellow-guests were employed, I applied to my communica-
tive friend, Dick Ivy, who gave me to understand that most
of them were, or had been, understrappers, or journeymen to

* I2Q

THE EXPEDITION OF

more creditable authors, for whom they translated, collated,
and compiled, in the business of bookmaking; and that all of
them had, at different times, laboured in the service of our
landlord, though they had now set up for themselves in vari-
ous departments of literature. Not only their talents, but also
their nations and dialects were so various, that our conversa-
tion resembled the confusion of tongues at Babel.

We had the Irish brogue, the Scotch accent, and foreign
idiom, twanged off by the most discordant vociferation; for,
as they all spoke together, no man had any chance to be heard,
unless he could bawl louder than his fellows. It must be
owned, however, that there was nothing pedantic in their dis-
course; they carefully avoided all learned disquisitions, and
endeavoured to be facetious ; nor did their endeavours always
miscarry. Some droll repartee passed, and much laughter
was excited ; and if any individual lost his temper so far as
to transgress the bounds of decorum, he was effectually
checked by the master of the feast, who exerted a sort of
paternal authority over this irritable tribe.

The most learned philosopher of the whole collection, who
had been expelled the university for atheism, has made great
progress in a refutation of Lord Bolingbroke's metaphysical
works, which is said to be equally ingenious and orthodox;
but in the meantim.e, he has been presented to the grand jury
as a public nuisance, for having blasphemed in an alehouse
on the Lord's day. The Scotchman gives lectures on the
pronunciation of the English language, which he is now pub-
lishing by subscription.

The Irishman is a political writer, and goes by the name
of my Lord Potatoe. He wrote a pamphlet in vindication of
a minister, hoping his zeal would be rewarded with some place
or pension ; but finding himself neglected in that quarter, he
whispered about, that tlie pamphlet was written by the min-
ister himself, and he published an answer to his own produc-
tion. In this he addressed the author under the title of your
lordship, with such solemnity, that the public swallowed the
deceit, and bought up the whole impression. The wise poli-
ticians of the metropolis declared, they were both masterly
performances, and chuckled over the flimsy reveries of an ig-
norant garreteer, as the profound speculations of a veteran

130

HUMPHRY CLINKER

statesman, acquainted with all the secrets of the Cabinet. The
imposture was detected in the sequel, and our Hibernian
pamphleteer retains no part of his assumed importance, but
the bare title of my lord, and the upper part of the table at
the potato ordinary in Shoe Lane.

Opposite to me sat a Piedmontese, who had obliged the
public with a humorous satire entitled, The Balance of the
English Poets, a performance which evinced the great mod-
esty and taste of the author, and, in particular, his intimacy
with the elegances of the English language. The sage, who
laboured under the aypocpo^La, or horror of green fields,
had just finished a treatise on practical agriculture, though,
in fact, he had never seen corn growing in his life, and was
so ignorant of grain, that our entertainer, in the face of the
v/hole company, made him own, that a plate of hominy was
the best rice-pudding he had ever ate.

The stutterer had almost finished his travels through Eu-
rope and part of Asia, without ever budging beyond the
liberties of the King's Bench, except in term time, with a tip-
staff for his companion ; and as for little Tim Cropdale, the
most facetious member of the whole society, he had happily
wound up the catastrophe of a virgin tragedy, from the ex-
hibition of which he promised himself a large fund of profit
and reputation. Tim had made shift to live many years by
writing novels, at the rate of five pounds a volume ; but that
branch of business is now engrossed by female authors, who
publish merely for the propagation of virtue, with so much
ease, and spirit, and delicacy, and knowledge of the human
heart, and all in the serene tranquillity of high life, that the
reader is not only enchanted by their genius, but reformed by
their morality.

After dinner, we adjourned into the garden, where I ob-
served Mr. S gave a short separate audience to every in-
dividual, in a small remote filbert walk, from whence most of
them dropped off one after another, without further cere-
mony ; but they were replaced by fresh recruits of the same
clan, who came to make an afternoon's visit ; and, among
others, a spruce bookseller, called Birkin, who rode his own
gelding, and made his appearance in a pair of new jemmy
boots, with massy spurs of plate. It was not without reason

131

THE EXPEDITION OF

that this midwife of the muses used to exercise a-horseback,
for he was too fat to walk a-foot, and he underwent some
sarcasms from Tim Cropdale, on his unwieldy size, and inap-
titude for motion. Birkin, who took umbrage at this poor
author's petulance, in presuming to joke upon a man so much
richer than himself, told him, he was not so unwieldy but that
he could move the Marshalsea court for a writ, and even over-
take him with it, if he did not very speedily come and settle
accounts with him, respecting the expense of publishing his
last Ode to the King of Prussia, of which he had sold but
three, and one of them was to Whitefield the Methodist. Tim
affected to receive this intimation with good-humour, saying,
he expected in a post or tv/o, from Potsdam, a poem of thanks
from his Prussian majesty, who knew very well how^ to pay
poets in their own coin ; but, in the meantime, he proposed
that Mr. Birkin and he should run three times round the
garden for a bowl of punch, to be drank at Ashley's in the
evening, and he would run boots against stockings. The
bookseller, who valued himself upon his mettle, was per-
suaded to accept the challenge, and he forthwith resigned his
boots to Cropdale, v^ho, when he had put them on, was no
bad representation of Captain Pistol in the play.

Everything being adjusted, they started together with great
impetuosity, and, in the second round, Birkin had clearly the
advantage, larding the lean earth as he puif'd along. Crop-
dale had no mind to contest the victory further, but in a
twinkling disappeared through the back-door of the garden,
which opened into a private lane that had communication with
the high road. The spectators immediately began to halloo,
" Stole away ! " and Birkin set off in pursuit of him with great
eagerness ; but he had not advanced twenty yards in the lane,
when a thorn running into his foot, sent him hopping back
again into the garden, roaring with pain, and swearing with
vexation. When he was delivered from this annoyance by
the Scotchman, who had been bred to surgery, he looked
about him wildly, exclaiming, *' Sure, the fellow won't be
such a rogue as to run clear awa}' with my boots ! " Our
landlord, having reconnoitred the shoes he had left, which in-
deed hardly deserved that name, *' Pray," said he, '' Mr.
Birkin, wa'n't your boots made of calf skin?" — "Calf skin

132

HUMPHRY CLINKER

or cow skin," replied the other, '' I'll find a slip of sheep skin
that will do his business. I lost twenty pounds by his farce,
which you persuaded me to buy. I am out of pocket five
pounds by his d — n'd ode; and now this pair of boots, bran
new, cost me thirty shillings as per receipt. But this affair
of the boots is felony — transportation. I'll have the dog in-
dicted at the Old Bailey— I will, Mr. S . I will be re-
venged, even though I should lose my debt in consequence of
his conviction."

Mr. S said nothing at present, but accommodated him

with a pair of shoes ; then ordered his servant to rub him
down, and comfort him. with a glass of rum punch, which
seemed in a great measure to cool the rage of his indignation.
'' After all," said our landlord, '' this is no more than a hum-
bug in the way of wit, though it deserves a more respectable
epithet, when considered as an effort of invention. Tim be-
ing, I suppose, out of credit with the cordwainer, fell upon
this ingenious expedient to supply the want of shoes; know-
ing that Mr. Birkin, who loves humour, would himself relish
the joke upon a little recollection. Cropdale literally lives
by his wit, which he has exercised upon all his friends in their
turns. He once borrowed my pony for five or six days to go
to Salisbury, and sold him in Smithfield at his return. This
was a joke of such a serious nature, that, in the first trans-
ports of my passion, I had some thoughts of prosecuting him
for horse-stealing; and, even when my resentment had in
some measure subsided, as he industriously avoided me, I
vowed I would take satisfaction on his ribs with the first op-
portunity. One day, seeing him at some distance in the street,
coming towards me, I began to prepare my cane for action,
and walked in the shadow^ of a porter, that he might not per-
ceive me soon enough to make his escape; but, in the very
instant I had lifted up the instrument of correction, I found
Tim Cropdale metamorphosed into a miserable blind wretch,
feeling his way with a long stick from post to post, and roll-
ing about two bald unlighted orbs instead of eyes. I was ex-
ceedingly shocked at having so narrowly escaped the concern
and disgrace that would have attended such a misapplication
of vengeance ; but, next day, Tim prevailed upon a friend of
mine to come and solicit my forgiveness, and offer his note,

133

THE EXPEDITION OF

payable in six weeks, for the price of the pony. This gentle-
man gave me to understand, that the blind man was no other
than Cropdale, who, having seen me advancing, and guessing
my intent, had immediately converted himself into the object
aforesaid. I was so diverted at the ingenuity of the evasion,
that I agreed to pardon his offence, refusing his note, how-
ever, that I might keep a prosecution for felony hanging over
his head, as a security for his future good behaviour; but
Timothy would by no means trust himself in my hands till
the note was accepted. Then he made his appearance at my
door as a blind beggar, and imposed in such a manner upon
my man, who had been his old acquaintance and pot-com-
panion, that the fellow threw the door in his face, and even
threatened to give him the bastinado. Hearing a noise in the
hall, I went thither, and immediately recollecting the figure
I had passed in the street, accosted him by his own name, to
the unspeakable astonishment of the footman."

Birkin declared he loved a joke as well as another; but
asked if any of the company could tell where Mr. Cropdale
lodged, that he might send him a proposal about restitution,
before the boots should be made away with. " I would will-
ingly give him a pair of new shoes," said he, " and half a
guinea into the bargain, for the boots, which fitted me like a
glove, and I sha'n't be able to get the fellows of them till the
good weather for riding is over." The stuttering wit de-
clared, that the only secret which Cropdale ever kept, was the
place of his lodgings ; but he believed, that, during the heats
of summer, he commonly took his repose upon a hulk, or in-
dulged himself, in fresco, with one of the kennel-nymphs, un-
der the portico of St. Martin's Church. — *' Pox on him ! "
cried the bookseller, " he might as well have taken my whip
and spurs — in that case, he might have been tempted to steal
another horse, and then he would have rid to the devil of
course."

After coffee, I took my leave of Mr. S , with proper

acknowledgments of his civility, and was extremely well
])lcased with the entertainment of the day, though not yet
satisfied with respect to the nature of this connexion betwixt
a man of character in the literary world, and a parcel of
authorlings, who, in all probability, would never be able to

134

HUMPHRY CLINKER

acqui^ any degree of reputation by their labours. On this
nead j interrogated my conductor, Dick Ivy, who answered

^]^ h this effect : " One would imagine S had some

view ^Q i^jg Q^Yi interest, in giving countenance and assistance
^ *hose people, whom he knows to be bad men, as well as
. ^ writers ; but, if he has any such view, he will find himself
''^appointed ; for if he is so vain as to imagine he can make
em subservient to his schemes of profit or ambition, they are
f unning enough to make him their property in the meantime.
There is not one of the company you have seen to-day (my-
self excepted) who does not owe him particular obligations.
One of them he bailed out of a spunging-house, and after-
wards paid the debt — another he translated into his family
and clothed, when he was turned out half-naked from jail, in
consequence of an act for the relief of insolvent debtors — a
third, who was reduced to a woollen nightcap, and lived upon
sheep's trotters, up three pair of stairs, backward in Butcher
Row, he took into present pay and free quarters, and enabled
him to appear as a gentleman, without having the fear of
sheriff's officers before his eyes. Those who are in distress,
he supplies with money when he has it, and with his credit
when he is out of cash. When they want business, he either
finds employment for them in his own service, or recommends
them to booksellers, to execute some project he has formed
for their subsistence. They are always welcome to his table
(which, though plain, is plentiful), and to his good offices as
far as they will go; and, when they see occasion, they make
use of his name with the most petulant familiarity ; nay, they
do not even scruple to arrogate to themselves the merit of
some of his performances, and have been known to sell their
own lucubrations as the produce of his brain. The Scotchman
you saw at dinner, once personated him at an alehouse in West

Smithfield, and, in the character of S had his head broke

by a cowkeeper, for having spoke disrespectfully of the
Christian religion ; but he took the law of him in his own
person, and the assailant, was fain to give him ten pounds to
withdraw his action."

I observed that all this appearance of liberality on the side

of Mr. S was easily accounted for, on the supposition

that they flattered him in private, and engaged his adversaries

135

THE EXPEDITION OF

in public; and yet I was astonished, when I recollectecj that
I often had seen this writer virulently abused in p^ pers,
poems, and pamphlets, and not a pen was drawn in his de-
fence. " But you will be more astonished," said he, '' w^hen
I assure you those very guests, whom you saw at his tc^ble
to-day, were the authors of great part of that abuse ; Sind he
himself is well aware of their particular favours, for they < are
all eager to detect and betray one another." — " But this is
doing the devil's work for nothing," cried I. " What shouL^d
induce them to revile their benefactor without provocation ? ''
— " Envy," answered Dick, " is the general incitement ; but
they are galled by an additional scourge of provocation.

S directs a literary journal, in which their productions \

are necessarily brought to trial ; and though many of them
have been treated with such lenity and favour as they little
deserved, yet the slightest censure, such as, perhaps, could not
be avoided with any pretensions to candour and impartiality,
has rankled in the hearts of those authors to such a degree,
that they have taken immediate vengeance on the critic in
anonymous libels, letters, and lampoons. Indeed, all the
writers of the age, good, bad, and indifferent, from the mo-
ment he assumed this office, became his enemies, either pro-
fessed or in petto, except those of his friends who knew they
had nothing to fear from his strictures; and he must be a
wiser man than me, who can tell what advantage or satisfac-
tion he derives from having brought such a nest of hornets
about his ears."

I owned that was a point which might deserve considera-
tion; but still I expressed a desire to know his real motives
for continuing his friendship to a set of rascals equally un-
grateful and insignificant. He said, he did not pretend to
assign any reasonable motive; that, if the truth must be told,
the man was, in point of conduct, a most incorrigible fool ;
that, though he pretended to have a knack at hitting off char-
acters, he blundered strangely in the distribution of his fa-
vours, which were generally bestowed on the most undeserv-
ing of those who had recourse to his assistance; that, indeed,
this preference was not so much owing to a want of discern-
ment, as to want of resolution ; for he had not fortitude
enough to resist the importunity even of the most worthless ;

136

HUMPHRY CLINKER

and as he did not know the value of money, there was very
httle merit in parting with it so easily ; that his pride was
gratified in seeing himself courted by such a number of liter-
ary dependants ; that, probably, he delighted in hearing them
expose and traduce one another ; and, finally, from their in-
formation, he became acquainted with all the transactions of
Grub Street, which he had some thoughts of compiling, for
the entertainment of the public.

I could not help suspecting, from Dick's discourse, that he
had some particular grudge against S , upon whose con-
duct he had put the worst construction it would bear ; and,
by dint of cross-examination, I found he was not at all satis-
fied with the character which had been given in the Review
of his last performance, though it had been treated civilly, in
consequence of the author's application to the critic. By all

accounts, S is not without weakness and caprice ; but he

is certainly good-humoured and civilised ; nor do I find, that
there is anything overbearing, cruel, or implacable in his
disposition.

I have dwelt so long upon authors, that you will perhaps
suspect I intend to enrol myself among the fraternity ; but,
if I were actually qualified for the profession, it is at best but
a desperate resource against starving, as it affords no pro-
vision for old age and infirmity. Salmon, at the age of four-
score, is now in a garret, compiling matter at a guinea a
sheet, for a modern historian, who, in point of age, might be
his grandchild; and Psalmanazar, after having drudged half
a century in the literary mill, in all the simplicity and ab-
stinence of an Asiatic, subsists upon the charity of a few book-
sellers, just sufficient to keep him from the parish. I think
Guy, who was himself a bookseller, ought to have appro-
priated one wing or ward of his hospital to the use of decayed
authors ; though, indeed, there is neither hospital, college, or
workhouse, within the bills of m.ortality, large enou,c:h to con-
tain the poor of this society, composed, as it is, from the refuse
of every other profession.

I know not whether you will find any amusement in this
account of an odd race of mortals, whose constitution had, I
own, greatly interested the curiosity of, yours,

London, June lo. J. Melford.

137

THE EXPEDITION OF

To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester.

My dear Letty, — There is something on my spirits, which
I should not venture to communicate by the post ; but having
the opportunity of Mrs. Brentwood's return, I seize it eager-
ly, to disburthen my poor heart, which is oppressed with fear
and vexation. — O Letty ! what a miserable situation it is to
be without a friend to whom one can apply for counsel and
consolation in distress! I hinted in my last, that one Mr.
Barton had been very particular in his civilities. I can no
longer mistake his meaning. He has formally professed him-
self my admirer ; and, after a thousand assiduities, perceiving
I made but a cold return to his addresses, he had recourse to
the mediation of Lady Griskin, who has acted the part of a
rery warm advocate in his behalf. But, my dear Willis, her
ladyship overacts her part — she not only expatiates on the
ample fortune, the great connexions, and the unblemished
character of Mr. Barton, but she takes the trouble to catechise
me ; and, two days ago, peremptorily told me, that a girl of my
age could not possibly resist so many considerations, if her
heart was not pre-engaged.

This insinuation threw me into such a flutter, that she could
not but observe my disorder; and, presuming upon the dis-
covery, insisted upon my making her the confidante of my
passion. But, although I had not such command of myself
as to conceal the emotion of my heart, I am not such a child
as to disclose its secrets to a person who would certainly use
them to its prejudice. I told her, it was no wonder if I was
out of countenance at her introducing a subject of conversa-
tion so unsuitable to my years and inexperience. That I
believed Mr. Barton was a very worthy gentleman, and I was
much obliged to him for his good opinion ; but the aflPections
were involuntary, and mine, in particular, had as yet made no
concessions in his favour. She shook her head with an air
of distrust that made me tremble; and observed, that, if my
afTections were free, they would submit to the decision of
prudence, especially when enforced by the authority of those
who had a right to direct my conduct. This remark implied
a design to interest my uncle or my aunt, perhaps my brother,
in behalf of Mr. Barton's passion ; and I am sadly afraid that

138 ^

HUMPHRY CLINKER

my aunt is already gained over. Yesterday, in the forenoon,
he had been walking with us in the park, and stopping in our
return at a toy-shop, he presented her with a very fine snuff-
box, and nie with a gold etuis, which I resolutely refused, till
she commanded me to accept of it on pain of her displeasure.
Nevertheless, being still unsatisfied with respect to the pro-
priety of receiving this toy, I signified my doubts to my
brother, who said he would consult my uncle on the subject,
and seemed to think Mr. Barton had been rather premature
in his presents.

What will be the result of this consultation. Heaven knows ;
but I am afraid it will produce an explanation with Mr. Bar-
ton, who will, no doubt, avow his passion, and solicit their
consent to a connexion which my soul abhors ; for, my dearest
Letty, it is not in my power to love Mr. Barton, even if my
heart was untouched by any other tenderness. Not that there
is anything disagreeable about his person ; but there is a total
want of that nameless charm which captivates and controls
the enchanted spirit — at least he appears to me to have this
defect ; but if he had all the engaging qualifications which a
man can possess, they would be excited in vain against that
constancy which, I flatter myself, is the characteristic of my
nature. No, my dear Willis, I may be involved in fresh
troubles, and I believe I shall, from the importunities of this
gentleman, and the violence of my relations ; but my heart is
incapable of change.

You know I put no faith in dreams; and yet I have been
much disturbed by one that visited me last night. — I thought
I was in a church, where a certain person, whom you know,
was on the point of being married to my aunt ; that the clergy-
man was Mr. Barton, and that poor forlorn I stood weeping
in a corner, half naked, and without shoes or stockings. Now
I know there is nothing so childish as to be moved by those
vain illusions ; but, nevertheless, in spite of all my reason, this
hath made a strong impression upon my mind, which begins
to be very gloomy. Indeed, I have another more substantial
cause of affliction. I have some religious scruples, my dear
friend, which lie heavy on my conscience. I was persuaded
to go to the Tabernacle, where T heard a discourse that af-
fected me deeply. I have prayed fervently to be enlightened,

.139

THE EXPEDITION OF

but as yet I am not sensible of these inward motions, these
operations of grace, which are the signs of a regenerated
spirit; and therefore I begin to be in terrible apprehensions
about the state of my poor soul. Some of our family have
had very uncommon accessions, particularly my aunt and
Mrs. Jenkins, who sometimes speak as if they were really in-
spired ; so that I am not like to want for either exhortation or
examole, to purify my thoughts, and recall them from the
vanities of this world, which, indeed, I would willingly re-
sign, if it was in my power ; but, to make this sacrifice, I must
be enabled by such assistance from above as hath not yet been
indulged to your unfortunate friend, Lydia Melford.

June lo.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — The moment I received your letter, I
began to execute your commission. With the assistance of
mine host at the Bull and Gate, I discovered the place to
which your fugitive valet had retreated, and taxed him with
his dishonesty. The fellow was in manifest confusion at
sight of me — but he denied the charge with great confidence;
till I told him, tliat, if he would give up the watch, which was
a family-piece, he might keep the money and the clothes, and
go to the devil his own way, at his leisure; but, if he rejected
this proposal, I would deliver him forthwith to the constable,
whom I had provided for that purpose, and he would carry
him before the justice without farther delay. After some
hesitation, he desired to speak with me in the next room,
where he produced the watch, with all its appendages ; and I
have delivered it to our landlord, to be sent you by the first
safe conveyance. So much for business.

I shall grow vain upon your saying you find entertainment
in my letters, barren as they certainly are, of incident and
importance; because your amusement must arise, not from the
matter, but from the manner, which you know is all my own.
Animated, therefore, by the approbation of a person whose
nice taste and consummate judgment I can no longer doubt,
I will cheerfully proceed with our memoirs. As it is deter-
mined we shall set out next week for Yorkshire, I went to-

140

HUMPHRY CLINKER

day, in the forenoon, with my uncle, to sec a carriage be-
longing- to a coachmaker in our neighbourhood. Turning
down a narrow lane, behind Long Acre, we perceived a
crowd of people standing at a door, which, it seems, opened
into a kind of Methodist meeting, and were informed that a
footman was then holding forth to the congregation within.
Curious to see this phenomenon, we squeezed into the place
with much difficulty; and who should this preacher be, but
the identical Humphry Clinker ! He had finished his sermon,
and given out a psalm, the first stave of which he sung with
peculiar grace. But, if we were astonished to see Clinker
in the pulpit, we were altogether confounded at finding all
the females of our family among the audience. There was
Lady Griskin, Mrs. Tabitha Bramble, Mrs. Winifred Jenkins,
my sister Liddy, and Mr. Barton, and all of them joined in
the psalmody with strong marks of devotion.

I could hardly keep my gravity on this ludicrous occasion ;
but old Squaretoes was differently affected. The first thing
that struck him was the presumption of his lacquey, whom
he commanded to come down, with such an air of authority,
as Humphry did not think proper to disregard. He descended
immediately, and all the people were in commotion. Barton
looked exceedingly sheepish, Lady Griskin flirted her fan,
Mrs. Tabby groaned in spirit, Liddy changed countenance,
and Mrs. Jenkins sobbed as if her heart was breaking. M}^
uncle, with a sneer, asked pardon of the ladies for having in-
terrupted their devotions, saying, he had particular business
with the preacher, whom he ordered to call a hackney-coach.
This being immediately brought up to the end of the lane, he
handed Liddy into it, and my aunt and I following him, we
drove home, without taking any farther notice of the rest of
the company, who still remained in silent astonishment.

Mr. Bramble, perceiving Liddy in great trepidation, as-
sumed a milder aspect, bidding her be under no concern, for
he was not at all displeased at anything she had done. " I
have no objection," said he, " to your being religiously in-
clined ; but I don't think my servant is a proper ghostly di-
rector for a devotee of your sex and character. If, in fact,
as I rather believe, your aunt is not the sole conductress of
this machine." — Mrs. Tabitha made no answer, but threw up

141

THE EXPEDITION OF

the whites of her eyes, as if in the act of ejaculation. Poor
Liddy said she had no right to the title of a devotee ; that she
thought there was no harm in hearing a pious discourse, even
if it came from a footman, especially as her aunt was present ;
but that, if she had erred from ignorance, she hoped he would
excuse it, as she could not bear the thoughts of living under
his displeasure. The old gentleman, pressing her hand, with
a tender smile, said she was a good girl, and that he did not
believe her capable of doing anything that could give him the
least umbrage or disgust.

When we arrived at our lodgings, he comm.anded Mr.
Clinker to attend him upstairs, and spoke to him in these
words : '' Since you are called upon by the Spirit to preach
and teach, it is high time to lay aside the livery of an earthly
master, and, for my part, I am unworthy to have an apostle
in my service.*' — ''' I hope," said Humphry, " I have not failed
in my duty to your honour ; I should be a vile wretch if I did,
considering the misery from which your charity and compas-
sion relieved me; but having an inward admonition of the
Spirit " — '* Admonition of the devil ! " cried the squire in a
passion. *' What admonition, you blockhead ? What right
has such a fellow as you to set up for a reformer? " — " Beg-
ging your honour's pardon," replied Clinker, " may not the
new light of God's grace shine upon the poor and the igno-
rant in their humility, as well as upon the wealthy and the
philosopher, in all his pride of human learning ? " — " What
you imagine to be the new light of grace," said his master,
" I take to be a deceitful vapour, glimmering through a crack
in your upper storey ; in a word, Mr. Clinker, I will have no
light in my family but what pays the king's taxes, unless it be
the light of reason, which you don't pretend to follow."

" Ah, sir ! " cried Humphry, **the light of reason is no
more, in comparison to the light I mean, than a farthing
candle to the sun at noon." — " Very true," said my uncle,
" the one will serve to show you your way, and the other to
dazzle and confound your weak brain. Hark ye, Clinker, you
are either an hypocritical knave, or a wrong-headed enthu-
siast, and, in either case unfit for my service. If you are a
quack in sanctity and devotion, you will find it an easy matter
to impose upon silly women, and others of crazed understand-

142

HUMPHRY CLINKER

ing, who will contribute lavishly for your support. If you
are really seduced by the reveries of a disturbed imagination,
the sooner you lose your senses entirely, the better for your-
self and the community. In that case some charitable person
might provide you with a dark room and clean straw in Bed-
lam, where it would not be in your power to infect others
with your fanaticism; whereas, if you have just reflection
enough left to maintain the character of a chosen vessel in the
meetings of the godly, you and your hearers will be misled b}'
a Will-o'-the-wisp from one error into another, till you are
plunged into religious frenzy ; and then, perhaps, you will
hang yourself in despair." — *' Which the Lord, of his infinite
mercy, forbid ! " exclaimed the affrighted Clinker. ** It is
very possible I may be imder the temptation of the devil, who
wants to wreck me on the rocks of spiritual pride. Your
honour says I am either a knave or a madman ; now, as I'll
assure your honour I am no knave, it follows that I must be
mad; therefore, I beseech your honour, upon my knees, to
lake my case into consideration, that means may be used for
my recovery."

The squire could not help smiling at the poor fellow's
simplicity, and promised to take care of him, provided he
would mind the business of his place, without running after
the new light of Methodism ; but Mrs. Tabitha took offence
at his humility, which she interpreted into poorness of spirit
and worldly-mindedness : she upbraided him with the want of
courage to suffer for conscience' sake; she observed, that if
he should lose his place for bearing testimony of the truth,
Providence would not fail to find him another, perhaps more
advantageous ; ancf declaring, that it could not be very agree-
able to live in a family where an inquisition was established,
retired to another room in great agitation.

My uncle followed her with a significant look ; then turn-
ing to the preacher, '*' You hear what my sister says. If you
cannot live with me upon such terms as I have prescribed, the
vineyard of Methodism lies before you, and she seems very
well disposed to reward your labour." — " I would not willing-
ly give offence to any soul upon earth," answered Himiphry ;
" her ladyship has been very good to me ever since we came
to London; and surely she has a heart turned for religious

143

THE EXPEDITION OF

exercises, and both she and Lady Griskin sing psalms and
hymns Hke two cherubims ; but, at the same time, I am bound
to love and obey your honour. It becometh not such a poor
ignorant fellow as me to hold dispute with a gentleman of
rank and learning. As for the matter of knowledge I am no
more than a beast in comparison to your honour, therefore I
submit; and, with God's grace, I will follow you to the world's
end, if you don't think me too far gone to be out of con-
finement."

His master promised to keep him for some time longer on
trial ; then desired to know in what manner Lady Griskin and
Mr. Barton came to join their religious society. He told
him, that her ladyship was the person who first carried my
aunt and sister to the Tabernacle, whither he attended
them, and had his devotion kindled by Mr. W 's preach-
ing ; that he was confirmed in this new way by the preacher's
sermons, which he had bought and studied with great atten-
tion ; that his discourse and prayers had brought over Mrs.
Jenkins and the housemaid to the same way of thinking;
but as for J\Ir. Barton, he had never seen him at service
before this day, \/hen he came in company with Lady Gris-
kin. Humphry moreover owned, that he had been encour-
aged to mount the rostrum by the example and success of
a weaver, who was much followed as a powerful minister ;
that, on his first trial, he found himself under such strong
impulsions, as made him believe he was certainly moved by
the Spirit, and that he had assisted in Lady Griskin's and
several private houses, at exercises of devotion.

Mr. Bramble was no sooner informed that her ladyship had
acted as the primum mobile of this confederacy, than he con-
cluded she had only made use of Clinker as a tool, subservient
to the execution of some design, to the true secret of which
he was an utter stranger. He observed, that her ladyship's
brain was a perfect mill for projects, and that she and Tabby
had certainly engaged in some secret treaty, the nature of
which he could not comprehend. I told him I thought it was
no difficult matter to perceive the drift of Mrs. Tabitha,
which was to ensnare the heart of Barton, and that in all
likelihood my Lady Griskin acted as her auxiliary; that this
supposition would account for their endeavours to convert

144

HUMPHRY CLINKER

him to Methodism ; an event which would occasion a con-
nexion of souls that might be easily improved into a matrimo-
nial union.

My uncle seemed to be much diverted by the thoughts of
this scheme's succeeding ; but I gave him to understand,
that Barton was pre-engaged ; that he had the day before
made a present of an etuis to Liddy, which her aunt had
obliged her to receive, with a view, no doubt, to countenance
her own accepting of a snuff-box at the same time ; that my
sister having made me acquainted with this incident, I had
desired an explanation of Mr. Barton, who declared his in-
tentions were honourable, and expressed his hope that I
would have no objection to his alliance; that I thanked him
for the honour he had intended our family, but told him it
would be necessary to consult her uncle and aunt, who were
her guardians, and their approbation being obtained, I could
have no objection to his proposal, though I was persuaded
that no violence would be offered to my sister's inclinations,
in a transaction that so nearly interested the happiness of her
future life; that he assured me he should never think of
availing himself of a guardian's authority, unless he could
render his addresses agreeable to the young lady herself ;
and that he would immediately demand permission of Mr.
and Mrs. Bramble to make Liddy a tender of his hand and
fortune.

The squire vv^as not insensible to the advantages of such
a match, and declared he would promote it with all his
influence ; but when I took notice that there seemed to be an
aversion on the side of Liddy, he said he would sound her on
the subject; and, if her reluctance was such as would not be
easily overcome, he would civilly decline the proposal of
Mr. Barton ; for he thought that, in the choice of a husband,
a young woman ought not to sacrifice the feelings of her
heart for any consideration upon earth. " Liddy is not so
desperate," said he, *'' as to worship fortune at such an ex-
pense." I take it for granted this whole affair will end in
smoke, though there seems to be a stonn brewing in the
quarter of Mrs. Tabby, who sat with all the sullen dignity
of silence at dinner, seerningly pregnant with complaint and
expostulation. As she hath certainlv marked Barton for

145

THE EXPEDITION OF

her own prey, she cannot possibly favour his suit to Liddy,
and therefore I expect something extraordinary will attend
his declaring himself my sister's admirer. This declaration
will certainly be made in form, as soon as the lover can pick
up resolution enough to stand the brunt of Mrs. Tabby's dis-
appointment; for he is, without doubt, aware of her designs
upon his person. The particulars of the denouement you shall
know in due season. Meanwhile I am, always yours,
London, June lo. J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Lev/is, — The deceitful calm was of short duration.
I am plunged again in a sea of vexation, and the complaints
in my stomach and bowels are returned, so that I suppose
I shall be disabled from prosecuting the excursion I had
planned. What the devil had I to do to come plague-hunt-
ing with a leash of females in my train? Yesterday my
precious sister, who, by the bye, had been for some time a
professed Methodist, came into my apartment, attended by
Mr. Barton, and desired an audience with a very stately air.
" Brother," said she, " this gentleman has something to pro-
pose, which I flatter myself will be the more acceptable, as
it will rid you of a troublesome companion." Then Mr.
Barton proceeded to this effect : '' I am, indeed, extremely
ambitious of being allied to your family, Mr. Bramble, and
I hope you will see no cause to interpose your authority " —
" As for authority," said Tabby, interrupting him with some
warmth, " I know of none that he has a right to use on this
occasion; if I pay him with the compliment of making him
acquainted with the step I mtend to take, it is all he can
expect in reason ; this is as much as I believe he would do
by me if he intended to change his own situation in life : in
a word, brother, I am so sensible of Mr. Barton's extraor-
dinary merit, that I have been prevailed upon to alter my
resolution of living a single life, and to put my happiness in
his hands, by vesting him with a legal title to my person and
fortune, such as they are. The business at present is to have
the writings drawn, and I shall be obliged to you if you will
recommend a lawyer to me for that purpose " —

146

HUMPHRY CLINKER

You may guess what an effect this overture had upon me,
who, from the information of my nephew, expected that
Barton was to make a formal declaration of his passion for
Liddy ; I could not help gazing in silent astonishment, al-
ternately at Tabby and her supposed admirer, which last
hung his head in the most awkward confusion for a few
minutes, and then retired, on pretence of being suddenly
seized with a vertigo. Mrs. Tabitha affected much concern,
and would have him make use of a bed in the house; but
he insisted upon going home, that he might have recourse
to some drops, which he kept for such emergencies, and his
inamorata acquiesced. In the meantime I was exceedingly
puzzled at this adventure, though I suspected the truth, and
did not know in what manner to demean myself towards
Mrs. Tabitha, when Jerry came in and told me he had just
seen Mr. Barton alight from his chariot at Lady Griskin's
door. This incident seemed to threaten a visit from her
ladyship, with which we were honoured accordingly, in less
than half an hour. " I find," said she, " there has been a
match of cross purposes among you, good folks, and Fm
come to set you to rights." So saying, she presented me
with the following billet : —

" Dear Sir, — I no sooner recollected myself from the extreme
confusion I was thrown into by that unlucky mistake of your sister,
than I thought it my duty to assure you, that my devoirs to Mrs.
Bramble never exceeded the bounds of ordinary civility, and that
my heart is unalterably fixed upon Miss Liddy Melford, as I had
the honour to declare to her brother, when he questioned me upon
that subject. Lady Griskin has been so good as to charge herself,
not only with the delivery of this note, but also with the task of
undeceiving Mrs. Bramble, for whom I have the most profound
respect and veneration, though my affection being otherwise en-
gaged, is no longer in the power of, sir, your very humble servant,

Ralph Barton."

Having cast my eyes over this billet, I told her ladyship
that I would no longer retard the friendly office she had un-
dertaken, and I and Jerry forthwith retired into another
room. There we soon perceived the conversation grow very
warm betwixt the two ladies ; and at length could distinctly
hear certain terms of altercation, which we could no longer

147

THE EXPEDITION OF

delay interrupting, with any regard to decorum. When we
entered the scene of contention, we found Liddy had joined
the disputants, and stood trembhng betwixt them, as if she
had been afraid they would have proceeded to something
more practical than words. Lady Griskin's face was like
the full moon in a storm of wind, glaring, fiery, and portent-
ous; while Tabby looked grim and ghastly, with an aspect
breathing discord and dismay.

Our appearance put a stop to their mutual revilings; but
her ladyship turning to me, " Cousin," said she, " I can't
help saying I have met with a very ungrateful return from
this lady for the pains I have taken to serve her family." —
" My family is much obliged to your ladyship," cried Tabby,
with a kind of hysterical giggle, " but we have no right to
the good offices of such an honourable go-between." — " But
for all that, good Mrs. Tabitha Bramble," resumed the other,
" I shall be content with the reflection, that virtue is its own
reward ; and it shall not be my fault if you continue to make
yourself ridiculous. Mr. Bramble, who has no little in-
terest of his own to serve, will, no doubt, contribute all in
his power to pron.ote a match betwixt Mr. Barton and his
niece, which will be equally honourable and advantageous ;
and I dare say Miss Liddy herself will have no objection to
a measure so well calculated to make her happy in life." —
" I beg your ladyship's pardon," said Liddy, with great
vivacity, " I have nothing but misery to expect from such a
measure, and I hope my guardians will have too much com-
passion to barter my peace of mind for any consideration of
interest or fortune." — " Upon my word, Miss Liddy ! " said
she, *'' you have profited by the example of your good aunt ;
I comprehend your meaning, and will explain it when I have
a proper opportunity ; in the meantime I shall take my leave ;
madam, your most obedient and devoted humble servant,"
said she, advancing close up to my sister, and curtseying so
low, that I thought she intended to squat herself down on
the floor. This salutation Tabby returned with equal solem-
nity; and the expression of the two faces, while they con-
tinued in this attitude, would be no bad subject for a pencil
like that of tlic incomparable Hogarth, if any such should
ever appear again in these times of dulness and degeneracy.

148

HUMPHRY CLINKER

Jerry accompanied her ladyship to her house, that he
might have an opportunity to restore the etuis to Barton,
and advise him to give up his suit, which was so disagreeable
to his sister, against whom, however, he returned much ir-
ritated. Lady Griskin had assured him that Liddy's heart
was preoccupied, and immediately the idea of Wilson re-
curring to his imagination, his family pride took the alarm.
He denounced vengeance against that adventurer, and was
disposed to be very peremptory with his sister; but I de-
sired he would suppress his resentment until I should have
talked with her in private.

The poor girl, when I earnestly pressed her on this head,
owned, with a flood of tears, that Wilson had actually come t6
the Hot Well at Bristol, and even introduced himself into our
lodgings as a Jew pedlar, but that nothing had passed betwixt
them, further than her begging him to withdraw immediately
if he had any regard for her peace of mind ; that he had dis-
appeared accordingly, after having attempted to prevail upon
my sister's maid to deliver a letter, which, however, she re-
fused to receive, though she had consented to carry a message,
importing, that he was a gentleman of a good family, and
that, in a very little time, he would avow his passion in that
character. She confessed, that, although he had not kept his
word in this particular, he was not yet altogether indifferent
to her affection, but solemnly promised she would never carry
on any correspondence with him, or any other admirer, for
the future, without the privity and approbation of her brother
and me.

By this declaration, she made her own peace with Jerry;
but the hotheaded boy is more than ever incensed against
Wilson, whom he now considers as an impostor that harbours
some infamous design upon the honour of his family. As for
Barton, he was not a little mortified to find his present re-
turned, and his addresses so unfavourably received ; but he is
not a man to be deeply affected by such disappointments ; and
I know not whether he is not as well pleased with being dis-
carded by Liddy, as he would have been with a permission to
prosecute his pretensions, at the risk of being every day ex-
posed to the revenge or machinations of Tabby, who is not to
be slighted with impunity. I had not much time to moralise

149

THE EXPEDITION OF

on these occurrences ; for the house was visited by a constable
and his gang, with a warrant from Justice Buzzard, to search
the box of Humphry CUnker, my footman, who was just ap-
prehended as a highwayman. This incident threw the whole
family into confusion. My sister scolded the constable for
presuming to enter the lodgings of a gentleman on such an
errand, without having first asked and obtained permission;
her maid was frightened into fits, and Liddy shed tears of
compassion for the unfortunate Clinker, in whose box, how-
ever, nothing was found to confirm the suspicion of robbery.

For my own part, I made no doubt of the fellow's being
mistaken for some other person, and I went directly to the
justice, in order to procure his discharge; but there I found
the matter much more serious than I expected. Poor Clinker
stood trembling at the bar, surrounded by thief-takers; and,
at a little distance, a thick squat fellow, a postillion, his ac-
cuser, who had seized him in the street, and swore positively
to his person, that the said Clinker had, on the 15th day of
March last, on Blackheath, robbed a gentleman in a post-
chaise, which he, the postillion, drove. This deposition was
sufficient to justify his commitment; and he was sent accord-
ingly to Clerkenwell prison, whither Jerry accompanied him in
the coach, in order to recommend him properly to the keeper,
that he may want for no convenience which the place affords.

The spectators, who assembled to see this highwayman,
were sagacious enough to discern something very villanous in
his aspect ; which, begging their pardon, is the very picture of
simplicity; and the justice himself put a very unfavourable
construction upon some of his answers, which, he said, sa-
voured of the ambiguity and equivocation of an old offender ;
but, in my opinion, it would have been more just and humane
to impute them to the confusion into which we may suppose
a poor country lad to be thrown on such an occasion. I am
still persuaded he is innocent ; and, in this persuasion, I can
do no less than use my utmost endeavours that he may not be
oppressed. I shall, to-morrow, send my nephew to wait on
the gentleman who was robbed, and beg he will have the hu-
manity to go and see the prisoner ; that, in case he should find
him quite different from the person of the highwayman, he
may bear testimony in his behalf. Howsoever it may fare

150

HUMPHRY CLINKER

with Clinker, this cursed affair wiU be to me productive of in-
tolerable chagrin. I have already caught a dreadful cold, by
rushing into the open air from the justice's parlour, where I
had been stewing in the crowd ; and though I should not be
laid up with the gout, as I believe I shall, I must stay at Lon-
don for some weeks, till this poor devil comes to his trial at
Rochester, so that, in all probability, my northern expedition
is blown up.

If you can find anything in your philosophical budget to
console me in the midst of these distresses and apprehensions,
pray let it be communicated to

Your unfortunate friend. Matt. Bramble.

London J June 12.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Wat, — The farce is finished, and another piece of a
graver cast brought upon the stage. Our aunt made a des-
perate attack upon Barton, who had no other way of saving
himself, but by leaving her in possession of the field, and
avowing his pretensions to Liddy, by whom he has been re-
jected in his turn. Lady Griskin acted as his advocate and
agent on this occasion, with such zeal as embroiled her with
Mrs. Tabitha, and a high scene of altercation passed betwixt
these two religionists, which might have come to action, had
not my uncle interposed. They are, however, reconciled, in
consequence of an event which has involved us all in trouble
and disquiet. You must know% the poor preacher, Humphry
Clinker, is now exercising his ministry among the felons in
Clerkenwell prison. A postillion having sworn a robbery
against him, no bail could be taken, and he was committed to
jail, notwithstanding all the remonstrances and interest my
uncle could make in his behalf.

All things considered, the poor fellow cannot possibly be
guilty, and yet, I believe, he runs some risk of being hanged.
Upon his examination, he answered with such hesitation and
reserve, as persuaded most of the people, who crowded the
place, that he was really a knave; and the justice's remarks
confirmed their opinion. Exclusive of my uncle and myself,
there was only one person who seemed inclined to favour the

151

THE EXPEDITION OF

culprit — he was a young man, well dressed, and, from the
manner in which he cross-examined the evidence, we took it
for granted, that he was a student in one of the inns of court
— he freely checked the justice for some uncharitable infer-
ences he made to the prejudice of the prisoner, and even ven-
tured to dispute with his worship on certain points of law.

My uncle, provoked at the unconnected and dubious
answers of Clinker, who seemed in danger of falling a sacri-
fice to his simplicity, exclaimed, " In the name of God, if you
are innocent, say so." — " No," cried he, *' God forbid that I
should call myself innocent, while my conscience is burdened
with sin." — "What then, you did commit this robbery?" re-
sumed his master. — *' No, sure," said he ; '' blessed be the
Lord, I'm free of that guilt."

Here the justice interposed, observing, that the man seemed
inclined to make a discovery by turning king's evidence, and
desired the clerk to take his confession ; upon which Humphry
declared, that he looked upon confession to be a popish fraud,
invented by the whore of Babylon. The templar affirmed,
that the poor fellow was non compos, and exhorted the justice
to discharge him aL a lunatic. " You know very well," added
he, " that the robbery in question was not committed by the
prisoner."

The thief-takers grinned at one another; and Mr. Justice
Buzzard replied, with great emotion, " Mr. Martin, I desire
you will mind your own business ; I shall convince you one
of these days that I understand mine." In short, there was
no remedy ; the mittimus was made out, and poor Clinker sent
to prison in a hackney-coach, guarded by the constable, and
accompanied by your humble servant. By the way, I was
not a little surprised to hear this retainer to justice bid the
prisoner to keep up his spirits, for that he did not at all doubt
but that he would get off for a few weeks' confinement. He
said, his worship knew very well that Clinker was innocent
of the fact, and that the real highwayman, who robbed the
chaise, was no other than that very individual Mr. Martin,
who had pleaded so strenuously for honest Humphry.

Confounded at this information, I asked, " Why then is he
suffered to go about at his liberty, and this poor innocent fel-
low treated as a malefactor?" — "We have exact intelliofcnce

HUMPHRY CLINKER

of all Mr. Martin's transactions," said Ec ; " but as yet there
is no evidence sufficient for his conviction ; and, as for this
young man, the justice could do no less than commit him, as
the postillion swore point-blank to his identity." — " So if this
rascally postillion should persist in the falsity to which he has
sworn," said I, " this innocent lad may be brought to the
gallows."

The constable observed, that he would have time enough to
prepare for his trial, and might prove an alibi; or, perhaps,
Martin might be apprehended, and convicted for another fact,
in which case, he might be prevailed upon to take this affair
upon himself; or finally, if these chances should fail, and the
evidence stand good against Clinker, the jury might recom-
mend him to mercy, in consideration of his youth, especially
if this should appear to be the first fact of which he had been
guilty.

Humphry owned he could not pretend to recollect where
he had been on the day when the robbery was committed,
much less prove a circumstance of that kind, so far back as
six months, though he knew he had been sick of the fever and
ague, which, however, did not prevent him from going about.
Then, turning up his eyes, he ejaculated, " The Lord's will be
done ! if it be my fate to suffer, I hope I shall not disgrace the
faith, of which, though unworthy, I make profession."

When I expressed my surprise, that the accuser should per-
vsist in charging Clinker, without taking the least notice of the
real robber, who stood before him, and to whom, indeed,
Humphry bore not the smallest resemblance, the constable,
who was himself a thief-taker, gave me to understand, that
Mr. Martin was the best qualified for business of all the gen-
tlemen on the road he had ever known ; that he had always
acted on his own bottom, without partner or correspondent,
and never went to work but when he was cool and sober;
that his courage and presence of mind never failed him ; that
his address was genteel, and his behaviour void of all cruelty
and insolence ; that he never encumbered himself with
watches, or trinkets, nor even with bank-notes, but always
dealt for ready money, and that in the current coin of the
kingdom ; and that he could disguise himself and his horse in
such a manner, that, after the action, it was impossible to

153

THE EXPEDITION OF

recognize either the one or the other. " This great man," said
he, " has reigned paramount in all the roads within fifty miles
of London above fifteen months, and has done more business
in that time than all the rest of the profession put together;
for those who pass through his hands are so delicately dealt
with, that they have no desire to give him the least disturb-
ance; but, for all that, his race is almost run. He is now
fluttering about justice like a moth about a candle. There
are so many lime-twigs laid in his way, that I'll bet a cool
hundred he swings before Christmas."

Shall I own to you, that this portrait, drawn by a ruffian,
heightened by what I myself had observed in his deportment,
has interested me warmly in the fate of poor Martin, whom
nature seems to have intended for a useful and honourable
member of that community upon which he now preys for a
subsistence ! It seems he lived some time as a clerk to a tim-
ber merchant, whose daughter Martin having privately mar-
ried, he was discarded, and his wife turned out of doors. She
did not long survive her marriage ; and Martin, turning for-
tune-hunter, could not supply his occasions any other way
than by taking to the road, in which he has travelled hitherto
with uncommon success. He pays his respects regularly to
Mr. Justice Buzzard, the thief-catcher general of this me-
tropolis, and sometimes they smoke a pipe together very lov-
ingly, when the conversation generally turns upon the nature
of evidence. The justice has given him fair warning to take
care of himself, and he has received his caution in good part.
Hitherto he has baffled all the vigilance, art, and activity of
Buzzard and his emissaries, with such conduct as would have
done honour to the genius of a C?esar or a Turenne ; but he
has one weakness, which has proved fatal to all the heroes of
the tribe, namely, an indiscreet devotion to the fair sex, and,
in all probability, he will be attacked on this defenceless
quarter.

Be that as it may, I saw the body of poor Clinker consigned
to the jailor of Clerkenwell, to whose indulgence I recom-
mended him so effectually, that he received him in the most
hospitable manner, though there was a necessity of equipping
him with a suit of irons, in which he made a very rueful ap-
pearance. T.he poor creature seemed as much affected by my

^54

HUMPHRY CLINKER

uncle's kindness, as by his own misfortune. When I assured
him, that nothing should be left undone for procuring his
enlargement, and making his confinement easy in the mean-
time, he fell down upon his knees, and kissing my hand, which
he bathed with his tears, " O squire," cried he, sobbing, " what
shall I say? — I can't — no, I can't speak — my poor heart is
bursting with gratitude to you and my dear — dear — generous
— noble benefactor."

I protest, the scene became so pathetic, that I was fain to
force myself away, and returned to my uncle, who sent me in
the afternoon with his compliments to one Mr. Mead, the per-
son who had been robbed on Blackheath. As I did not find
him at home, I left a message, in consequence of which he
called at our lodging this morning, and very humanely agreed
to visit the prisoner. By this time Lady Griskin had come to
make her formal compliments of condolence to Mrs. Tabitha,
on this domestic calamity; and that prudent maiden, whose
passion was now cooled, thought proper to receive her lady-
ship so civilly, that a reconciliation immediately ensued.
These two ladies resolved to comfort the poor prisoner in their
own persons, and Mr. Mead and I squired them to Clerken-
well, my uncle being detained at home by some slight com-
plaints in his stomach and bowels.

The turnkey, who received us at Clerkenwell, looked re-
markably sullen ; and when we inquired for Clinker, '' I don't
care if the devil had him," said he; '' here has been nothing
but canting and praying since the fellow entered the place.
Rabbit him ! the tap will be ruined — we han't sold a cask of
beer, nor a dozen of wine, since he paid his garnish — the gen-
tlemen get drunk with nothing but your d — ned religion. For
my part, I believe as how your man deals with the devil.
Two or three as bold hearts as ever took the air upon Houns-
low, have been blubbering all night ; and if the fellow an't
speedily removed by habeas corpus, or otherwise, I'll be
d — ned if there's a grain of true spirit left within these walls
— ^we shan't have a soul to do credit to the place, or to make his
exit like a true-born Englishman, — d — n my eyes ! there will
be nothing but snivelling in the cart — we shall all die like so
many psalm-singing weavers."

In short, we found that Humphry was, at that very instant,

155

THE EXPEDITION OF

haranguing the felons in the chapel; and that the jailor's wife
and daughter, together with my aunt's woman, Win. Jenkins,
and our housemaid, were among the audience, which we im-
mediately joined. I never saw anything so strongly pictur-
esque as this congregation of felons clanking their chains, in
the midst of whom stood orator Clinker, expatiating, in a trans-
port of fervour, on the torments of hell, denounced in Scrip-
ture against evil-doers, comprehending murderers, robbers,
thieves, and whoremongers. The variety of attention ex-
hibited in the faces of those ragamuffins, formed a group that
would not have disgraced the pencil of a Raphael. In one it
denoted admiration ; in another, doubt ; in a third, disdain ;
in a fourth, contempt ; in a tifth, terror ; in a sixth, derision ;
and in a seventh, indignation. As for Mrs. Winifred Jenkins,
she was in tears, overwhelmed with sorrow ; but whether for
her own sins, or the misfortune of Clinker, I cannot pretend
to say. The other females seemed to listen with a mixture of
wonder and devotion. The jailor's wife declared he was a
saint in trouble, saying, she wished from her heart there was
such another good soul like him, in every jail in England.

Mr. Mead, having earnestly surveyed the preacher, declared
his appearance was so different from that of the person who
robbed him on Blackheath, that he could freely make oath he
was not the man. But Humphry himself was by this time
pretty well rid of all apprehensions of being hanged ; for he
had been the night before solemnly tried and acquitted by his
fellow-prisoners, some of whom he had already converted to
Methodism. He now made proper acknowledgments for the
honour of our visit, and was permitted to kiss the hands of the
ladies, who assured him, he might depend upon their friend-
ship and protection. Lady Griskin, in her great zeal, exhorted
his fellow-prisoners to profit by the precious opportunity of
having such a saint in bonds among them, and turn over a new
leaf for the benefit of their poor souls ; and, that her admoni-
tion might have the greater effect, she reinforced it with her
bounty.

While she and Mrs. Tabby returned in the coach with the
two maid-servants, I waited on Mr. Mead to the house of
Justice Buzzard, who, having heard his declaration, said, his
oath could be of no use at present, but that he would be a

HUiYPHRY CLINKER

material evidence for the prisoner at his trial. So that there
seems to be no remedy but patience for poor Clinker ; and in-
deed the same virtue, or medicine, will be necessary for us all,
the squire, in particular, who had set his heart upon his excur-
sion to the northward.

While we were visiting honest Humphry in Clerkenwell
prison, my uncle received a much more extraordinary visit at
his own lodgings. Mr. Martin, of whom I made such hon-
ourable mention, desired permission to pay him his respects,
and was admitted accordingly. He told him, that, having
observed him, at Mr. Buzzard's, a good deal disturbed by
what had happened to his servant, he had come to assure him
that he had nothing to apprehend for Clinker's life ; for, if it
was possible that any jury could find him guilty upon such
evidence, he, Martin himself, would produce in court a person
whose deposition would bring him off as clear as the sun at
noon. Sure, the fellow would not be so romantic as to take
the robbery upon himself ! He said the postillion was an in-
famous fellow, who had been a dabbler in the same profession,
and saved his life at the Old Bailey by impeaching his com^
panions ; that, being now reduced to great poverty, he had
made this desperate push, to swear away the life of an inno-
cent man, in hopes of having the reward upon his conviction ;
but that he would find himself miserably disappointed, for the
justice and his myrmidons were determined to admit of no
interloper in this branch of business ; and that he did not at all
doubt but that they would find matter enough to stop the evi-
dence himself before the next jail delivery. He affirmed, that
all these circumstances were well known to the justice; and
that his severity to Clinker was no other than a hint to his
master to make him a present in private, as an acknowledg-
ment of his candour and humanity.

This hint, however, was so unpalatable to Mr. Bramble,
that he declared, with great warmth, he would rather confine
himself for life to London, which he detested, than be at lib-
erty to leave it to-morrow, in consequence of encouras:ing cor-
ruption in a magistrate. Hearing, however, how favourable
Mr. Mead's report had been for the prisoner, he resolved to
take the advice of counsel in what manner to proceed for his
immediate enlargement. I make no doubt but that in a day

157

THE EXPEDITION OF

or two this troublesome business may be discussed; and in
this hope we are preparing for our journey. If our endeav-
ours do not miscarry, we shall have taken the field before you
hear again from Yours,

London, June ii. J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

Thank Heaven ! dear Lewis, the clouds are dispersed, and
I have now the clearest prospect of my summer campaign,
which, I hope, I shall be able to begin to-morrow. I took the
advice of counsel with respect to the case of Clinker, in whose
favour a lucky incident has intervened. The fellow who ac-
cused him has had his own battery turned upon himself.
Two days ago, he was apprehended for a robbery on the high-
way, and committed on the evidence of an accomplice.
Clinker, having moved for a writ of habeas corpus, was
brought before the Lord Chief Justice, who, in consequence
of an affidavit of the gentleman who had been robbed, import-
ing that the said Clinker was not the person who stopped him
on the highway, as well as in consideration of the postillion's
character and present circumstances, was pleased to order that
my servant should be admitted to bail ; and he has been dis-
charged accordingly, to the unspeakable satisfaction of our
whole family, to which he has recommended himself in an
extraordinary manner, not only by his obliging deportment,
but by his talents of preaching, praying, and singing psalms,
which he has exercised with such effect, that even Tabby re-
spects him as a chosen vessel. If there was anything like
affectation or hypocrisy in this excess of religion, I would not
keep him in my service; but so far as I can observe, the fel-
low's character is downright simplicity, warmed with a kind
of enthusiasm, which renders him very susceptible of gratitude
and attachment to his benefactors.

As he is an excellent horseman, and understands farriery, I
have bought a stout gelding for his use, that he may attend
us on the road, and have an eye to our cattle, in case the coach-
man should not mind his business. My nephew, who is to
ride his own saddle-horse, has taken, upon trial, a servant just
come from abroad with his former master. Sir William Strol-

158

HUMPHRY CLINKER

lop, who vouches for his honesty. The fellow, whose name is
Button, seems to be a petit maiire. He has got a smattering
of French, bows, grins, and shrugs, and takes snuff a la mode
de France, but values himself chiefly upon his skill and dex-
terity in hair-dressing. If I am not much deceived by ap-
pearance, he is, in all respects, the very contrast of Humphry
Clinker.

My sister has made up matters with Lady Griskin, though,
I must own, I should not have been sorry to see that con-
nexion entirely destroyed ; but Tabby is not of a disposition
to forgive Barton, who, I understand, is gone to his seat in
Berkshire for the summer season. I cannot help suspecting,
that, in the treaty of peace which has been lately ratified be-
twixt those two females, it is stipulated, that her ladyship shall
use her best endeavours to provide an agreeable helpmate for
our sister Tabitha, who seems to be quite desperate in her
matrimonial designs. Perhaps the match-maker is to have a
valuable consideration in the way of brokerage, which she will
most certainly deserve, if she can find any man in his senses
who will yoke with Mrs. Bramble from motives of affection
or interest.

I find my spirits and my health affect each other recipro-
cally— that is to say, everything that discomposes my mind,
produces a correspondent disorder in my body ; and my bodily
complaints are remarkably mitigated by those considerations
that dissipate the clouds of mental chagrin. The imprison-
ment of Clinker brought on those symptoms which I men-
tioned in my last, and now they are vanished at his discharge.
It must be owned, indeed, I took some of the tincture of
ginseng, prepared according to your prescription, and found
it exceedingly grateful to the stomach ; but the pain and sick-
ness continued to return, after short intervals, till the anxiety
of my mind was entirely removed, and then I found myself
perfectly at ease. We have had fair weather these ten days,
to the astonishment of the Londoners, who think it portentous.
If you enjoy the same indulgence in Wales, I hope Barnes
has got my hay made, and safe cocked by this time. As we
shall be in motion for some weeks, I cannot expect to hear
from you as usual; but I shall continue to write from every

159

THE EXPEDITION OF

place at which *we make any halt, that you may know our
track, in case it should be necessary to communicate anything
to Your assured friend. Matt. Bramble.

London, June 14.

To Mrs. Mary Jones^ at Bramhleton Hall, etc.

Dear Mary, — Having the occasion of my cousin Jenkins of
Aberga'ny, I send you, as a token, a turkey-shell comb, a kiple
of yards of green ribbon, and a sarment upon the nothingness
of good works, which was preached in the Tabernacle; and
you will also receive a hornbuck for Saul, whereby she may
learn her letters ; for I am much consarned about the state of
her poor sole — and what are all the pursuits of this life to the
consarns of that immortal part? What is Hfe but a veil of
affliction ? O Mary ! the whole family have been in such a
constipation ! Mr. Clinker has been in trouble, but the gates
of hell have not been able to prevail against him. His virtue
is like pour gould, seven times tried in the fire. He was tuck
up for a robbery, and had before Gustass Busshard, who made
his mittamouse ; and the pore youth was sent to prison upon
the false oaf of a willian, that wanted to sware his life away
for the looker of cain.

The squire did all in his power, but could not prevent his
being put in chains, and confined among common manu-
factors, where he stud like an innocent sheep in the midst of
wolves and tygers. Lord knows what mought have happened
to this pyehouse young man, if master had not applied to
Appias Korkus, who lives with the ould bailiff, and is, they
say, five hundred years ould, (God bless us!) and a congeror;
but, if he be, sure I am he don't deal with the devil, otherwise
he wouldn't have sought out Mr. Clinker, as he did, in spite of
stone walls, iron bolts, and double locks, that flew open at his
command ; for Ould Scratch has not a greater enemy upon
hearth than Mr. Clinker, who is indeed a very powerful
labourer in the Lord's vineyard. I do no more than use the
words of my good lady, who has got the ineffectual calling;
and I trust, that even myself, though unworthy, shall find
grease to be accepted. Miss Liddy has been touched to the
quick, but is a little timorsome ; howsomever, I make no

160

HUMPHRY CLINKER

doubt, but she and all of us, will be brought, by the en-
deavours of Mr. Clinker, to produce blessed fruit of genera-
tion and repentance. As for master, and the young squire,
they have as yet had narro glimpse of the new light. I doubt
as how their hearts are hardened by worldly wisdom, which,
as the pyebill saith, is foolishness in the sight of God.

O Mary Jones, pray without seizing for grease to prepare
you for the operations of this wonderful instrument, which, I
hope, will be exercised this winter upon you and others at
Brambleton Hall. To-morrow, we are to set out-in a cox and
four for Yorkshire ; and, I believe, we shall travel that way
far, and far, and farther than I can tell ; but I shan't go so far
as to forget my friends ; and Mary Jones will always be re-
membered as one of them by her humble sarvant,

London, June 14. Win. Jenkins.

To Mrs. Gwyllim_, Housekeeper at Brambleton Hall.

Mrs. Gwyllim^ — I can't help thinking it very strange, that
I never had an answer to the letter I wrote you some weeks
ago from Bath, concerning the sour bear, the gander, and the
maids eating butter, which I won't allow to be wasted. We
are now going upon a long gurney to the north, whereby I
desire you will redouble your care and circumflexion, that the
family may be well managed in our absence ; for, you know,
you must render account, not only to your earthly master, but
also to him that is above; and if you are found a good and
faithful sarvant, great will be your reward in haven. I hope
there will be twenty stun of cheese ready for market by the
time I get huom, and as much owl spun as will make half-a-
dozen pair of blankets ; and that the savings of the buttermilk
will fetch me a good penny before Martinmas, as the two pigs
are to be fed for baking with birchmast and acorns.

I wrote to Doctor Lewis for the same porpuss, but he never
had the good manners to take the least notice of my letter; for
which reason I shall never favour him with another, though
he beshits me on his bended knees. You will do well to keep
a watchful eye over the hind Villiams, who is one of his amis-
sories, and, I believe, no better than he should be at bottom.
God forbid that I should lack Christian charity; but charity

" 161

THE EXPEDITION OF

begins at huom, and sure nothing can be a more charitable
work than to rid the family of such vermin. I do suppose,
that the brindled cow has been had to the parson's bull, that
old Moll has had another litter of pigs, and that Dick has be-
come a mighty mouser. Pray order everything for the best,
and be frugal, and keep the maids to their labour. If I had a
private opportunity, I would send them some hymns to sing
instead of profane ballads ; but, as I can't, they and you must
be contented with the prayers of your assured friend,
London, June 14. T. Bramble.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — The very day after I wrote my last,
Clinker was set at liberty. As Martin had foretold, the ac-
cuser was himself committed for a robbery, upon unquestion-
able evidence. He had been for some time in the snares of
the thief-taking society ; who, resenting his presumption in at-
tempting to encroach upon their monopoly of impeachment,
had him taken up and committed to Newgate, on the deposi-
tion of an accompl'ce, who has been admitted as evidence for
the king. The postillion being upon record as an old of-
fender, the Chief Justice made no scruple of admitting Clinker
to bail, when he perused the affidavit of Mr. Mead, importing
that the said Clinker w^as not the person that robbed him on
Blackheath ; and honest Humphry was discharged. When
he came home, he expressed great eagerness to pay his re-
spects to his master, and here his elocution failed him, but his
silence was pathetic ; he fell down at his feet, and embraced
his knees, shedding a flood of tears, which my uncle did not
see without emotion. He took snufT in some confusion ; and,
putting his hand in his pocket, gave him his blessing in some-
thing more substantial than words. " CHnker," said he, '' I
am so well convinced, both of your honesty and courage, that
I am resolved to make you my lifeguardman on the highway."

He was accordingly provided with a case of pistols, and a
carbine to be slung across his snoulders ; and every other
preparation being made, we set out last Thursday, at seven in
the morning: my uncle, with the three women in the coach;
Humphry, well mounted on a black gelding bought for his

162

HUMPHRY CLINKER

use; myself a-horseback, attended by my new valet, Mr. But-
ton, an exceeding coxcomb, fresh from his travels, whom I
had taken upon trial. The fellow wears a solitaire, uses paint,
and takes rappee with all the grimace of a French marquis.
At present, however, he is in a riding dress, jack-boots,
leather breeches, a scarlet waistcoat with gold binding, a laced
hat, a hanger, a French posting whip in his hand, and his hair
cii queue.

Before we had gone nine miles, my horse lost one of his
shoes; so that I was obliged to stop at Barnet, to have an-
other, while the coach proceeded at an easy pace over the
common. About a mile short of Hatfield, the postillions
stopped the carriage, and gave notice to Clinker that there
were two suspicious fellows a-horseback, at the end of a lane,
who seemed waiting to attack the coach. Humphry forthwith
apprised my uncle, declaring he would stand by him to the
last drop of his blood ; and, unslinging his carbine, prepared
for action. The squire had pistols in the pockets of the coach,
and resolved to make use of them directly ; but he was effectu-
ally prevented by his female companions, who flung them-
selves about his neck, and screamed in concert. At this in-
stant, who should come up, at a hand-gallop, but Martin, the
highwayman, who, advancing to the coach, begged the ladies
would compose themselves for a moment; then, desiring
Clinker to follow him to the charge, he pulled a pistol out of
his bosom, and they rode up together to give battle to the
rogues, who, having fired at a great distance, fled across the
common. They were in pursuit of the fugitives when I
came up, not a little alarmed at the shrieks in the coach, where
I found my uncle in a violent rage, without his periwig, strug-
gling to disentangle himself from Tabby and the other two,
and swearing with great vociferation. Before I had time to
interpose, Martin and Clinker returned from the pursuit, and
the former paid his compliments with great politeness, giving
us to understand, that the fellows had scampered oflf, and that
he believed they were a couple of raw 'prentices from London.
He commended Clinker for his courage, and said, if we
would give him leave, he would have the honour to accompany
us as far as Stevenage, where he had some business.

The squire, having recollected and adjusted himself, was

163

THE EXPEDITION OF

the first to laugh at his own situation ; but it was not without
difficulty that Tabby's arms could be untwisted from his neck,
Liddy's teeth chattered, and Jenkins was threatened with a fit
as usual. I had communicated to my uncle the character of
Martin, as it was described by the constable, and he was much
struck with its singularity. He could not suppose the fellow
had any design on our company, which was so numerous and
well armed ; he therefore thanked him for the service he had
just done them, said he would be glad of his company, and
asked him to dine with us at Hatfield. This invitation might
not have been agreeable to the ladies, had they known the real
profession of our guest; but this was a secret to all, except
my uncle and myself. Mrs. Tabitha, however, would by no
means consent to proceed with a case of loaded pistols in the
coach, and they were forthwith discharged in complaisance to
her and the rest of the women.

Being gratified in this particular, she became remarkably
good-humoured, and at dinner behaved in the most afifable
manner to Mr. Martin, with whose polite address, and agree-
able conversation, she seemed to be much taken. After din-
ner, the landlord accosted me in the yard, asked with a sig-
nificant look, if the gentleman that rode the sorrel belonged
to our company? I understood his meaning, but answered.
No; that he had come up with us on the common, and helped
us to drive away two fellows, that looked like highwaymen.
He nodded three times distinctly, as much as to say, he knows
his cue. Then he inquired, if one of those men was mounted
on a bay mare, and the other on a chestnut gelding, with a
white streak down his forehead? and, being answered in the
affirmative, he assured me, they had robbed three post-chaises
this very morning. I inquired, in my turn, if Mr. Martin was
of his acquaintance ; and, nodding thrice again, he answered,
that he had seen the gentleman.

Before we left Hatfield, my uncle, fixing his eyes on Martin,
with such expression as is more easily conceived than de-
scribed, asked, if he often travelled that road ? and he replied
with a look which denoted his understanding the question,
that he very seldom did business in that part of the country.
In a word, this adventurer favoured us with his company to
the neighbourhood of Stevenage, where he took his leave of

164

HUMPHRY CLINKER

the coach and me in very poHte terms, and turned off upon a
cross-road that led to a village on the left. At supper, Mrs.
Tabby was very full in the praise of Mr. Martin's good sense
and good breeding, and seemed to regret that she had not a
farther opportunity to make some experiment upon his affec-
tion. In the morning, my uncle was not a little surprised to
receive, from the waiter, a billet couched in these words :

" Sir, — I could easily perceive from your looks when I had the
honour to converse with you at Hatfield, that my character is not
unknown to you; and I daresay, you won't think it strange, that
T should be glad to change my present way of life for any other
honest occupation, let it be ever so humble, that will afford me
bread in moderation, and sleep in safety. — Perhaps you maj' think
I flatter, when I say, that, from the moment I was witness to your
generous concern in the cause of your servant, I conceived a par-
ticular esteem and veneration for your person; and yet what I say
is true. I should think myself happy, if I could be admitted into
your protection and service, as house-steward, clerk, butler, or
bailiff, for either of which places I think myself tolerably well qual-
ified; and, sure I am, I should not be found deficient in gratitude
and fidelity. At the same time, I am very sensible how much you
deviate from the common maxims of discretion, even by putting
my professions to the trial; but I don't look upon you as a person
that thinks in the ordinary style; and the delicacy of my situation,
will, I know, justify this address to a heart warmed with beneficence
and compassion. Understanding you are going pretty far north,
I shall take an opportunity to throw m>self in your way again be-
fore you reach the borders of Scotland; and, I hope, by that time,
you will have taken into consideration the truly distressful case of,
honoured sir, your very humble and devoted servant,

Edward Martin."

The squire, having perused this letter, put it into my hand,
without saying a syllable ; and when I had read it, we looked
at each other in silence. From a certain sparkling in his eyes,
I discovered there was more in his heart than he cared to ex-
press with his tongue, in favour of poor Martin ; and this was
precisely my own feeling, which he did not fail to discern, by
the same means of communication — " What shall we do," said
he, " to save this poor sinner from the gallows, and make him
a useful member of the commonwealth? and yet the proverb
says, ' Save a thief from the gallows, and he'll cut your
throat.' " I told him I really believed Martin was capable of

^65

THE EXPEDITION OF

giving the proverb the lie ; and that I should heartily concur
in any step he might take in favour of his solicitation. We
mutually resolved to deliberate upon the subject, and in the
meantime proceeded on our journey. The roads having been
broke up by the heavy rains in the spring, were so rough, that,
although v^^e travelled very slowly, the jolting occasioned such
pain to my uncle, that he was become exceedingly peevish
when we arrived at this place, which lies about eight miles
from the post road, between Wetherby and Boroughbridge.

Harrowgate water, so celebrated for its efficacy in the
scurvy and other distempers, is supplied from a copious
spring, in the hollow of a wild common, round which a good
many houses have been built for the convenience of the drink-
ers, though few of them are inhabited. Most of the company
lodge at some distance, in five separate inns, situated in differ-
ent parts of the common, from whence they go every morning
to the well, in their own carriages. The lodgers of each inn
form a distinct society that eat together ; and there is a com-
modious public room, where they breakfast in dishabille, at
separate tables, from eight o'clock till eleven, as they chance or
choose to come in. Here also they drink tea in the afternoon,
and play at cards or dance in the evening. One custom, how-
ever, prevails, which I look upon as a solecism in politeness.
The ladies treat with tea in their turns, and even girls of six-
teen are not exempted from this shameful imposition. There
is a public ball by subscription every night at one of the
houses, to which all the company from the others are admitted
by tickets ; and, indeed, Harrowgate treads upon the heels of
Bath, in the articles of gaiety and dissipation — with this differ-
ence, however, that here we are more sociable and familiar.
One of the inns is already full up to the very garrets, having
no less than fifty lodgers, and as many servants. Our family
does not exceed thirty-six; and I should be sorry to see the
number augmented, as our accommodation won't admit of
much increase.

At present, the company is more agreeable than one could
expect from an accidental assemblage of persons, who are
utter strangers to one another. There seems to be a gen-
eral disposition among us to maintain good-fellowship, and
promote the purposes of humanity, in favour of those who

i66

]

HUMPHRY CLINKER

come thither on the score of health. I see several faces
which we left at Bath, although the majority are of the
northern counties, and many come from Scotland for the
benefit of these waters. In such a variety, there must be
some originals, among whom Mrs. Tabitha Bramble is not
the most inconsiderable. No place, where there is such an
intercourse between the sexes, can be disagreeable to a lady
of her views and temperament. She has had some warm
disputes at table with a lame parson from Northumberland,
on the new birth, and the insignificance of moral virtue ; and
her arguments have been reinforced by an old Scotch lawyer,
in a tie-periwig, who, though he has lost his teeth, and the
use of his limbs, can still wag his tongue with great volu-
bility. He has paid her such fulsome compliments upon her
piety and learning, as seem to have won her heart; and she,
in her turn, treats him with such attention, as indicates a
design upon his person; but, by all accounts, he is too much
a fox to be inveigled into any snare that she can lay for his
affection.

We do not propose to stay long at Harrowgate, though
at present it is out headqtiarters, from whence we shall make
some excursions to visit two or three of our rich relations,
who are settled in this county. Pray remember me to all
our friends of Jesus, and allow me to be still yours affec-
tionately, J. Melford.

Harrowgate, June 23.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Doctor, — Considering the tax we pay for turnpikes,
the roads of this country constitute a most intolerable griev-
ance. Between Newark and Wetherby, I have suffered more
from jolting and swinging, than ever I felt in the whole
course of my life, although the carriage is remarkably com-
modious and well hung, and the postillions were very careful
in driving. I am now safely housed at the New Inn at Har-
rowgate, whither I came to satisfy my curiosity, rather tlian
with any view of advantage to my health ; and truly, after
having considered all the parts and particulars of the place,
I cannot account for the concourse of people one finds here,

167

THE EXPEDITION OF

upon any other principle but that of caprice, which seems
to be the character of our nation.

Harrowgate is a wild common, bare and bleak, without
tree or shrub, or the least signs of cultivation; and the peo-
ple who come to drink the water are crowded together in
paltry inns, where the few tolerable rooms are monopolised
by the friends and favourites of the house, and all the rest
of the lodgers are obliged to put up with dirty holes, where
there is neither space, air, nor convenience. My apartment
is about ten feet square ; and when the folding-bed is down,
there is just room sufficient to pass between it and the fire.
One might expect, indeed, that there would be no occasion
for a fire at midsummer; but here the climate is so back-
ward, that an ash tree, which our landlord has planted be-
fore my window, is just beginning to put forth its leaves;
and I am fain to have my bed warmed every night.

As for the water, which is said to have effected so many
surprising cures, I have drank it once, and the first draught
has cured me of all desire to repeat the medicine. Some
people say it smells of rotten eggs, and others compare it
to the scourings of a foul gun. It is generally supposed to
be strongly impregnated with sulphur; and Dr. Shaw, in
his book upon Mineral Waters, says, he has seen flakes of
sulphur floating in the well. Pace tanfi viri, I, for my part,
have never observed anything like sulphur, either in or about
the well ; neither do I find that any brimstone has ever been
extracted from the water. As for the smell, if I may be
allowed to judge from my own organs, it is exactly that of
bilge-water; and the saline taste of it seems to declare that
it is nothing else than salt water putrified in the bowels of
the earth. I was obliged to hold my nose with one hand,
while I advanced the glass to my mouth with the other ; and
after I had made shift to swallow it, my stomach could
hardly retain what it had received. The only effects it pro-
duced were sickness, griping, and insurmountable disgust.
I can hardy mention it without puking. The world is
strangely misled by the affectation of singularity. I cannot
help suspecting that this water owes its reputation in a great
measure to its being so strikingly offensive. On the same
kind of analogy, a German doctor has introduced hemlock

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

and other poisons, as specifies, into the materia medica. T
am persuaded, that all the cures ascribed to the Harrowgate
water, would have been as efficaciously, and infinitely more
agreeably performed, by the internal and external use of
sea-water. Sure I am, this last is much less nauseous to
the taste and smell, and much more gentle in its operation
as a purge, as well as more extensive in its medical qualities.

Two days ago, we went across the country to visit Squire
Burdock, who married a first cousin of my father, an heiress,
who brought him an estate of a thousand a year. This gen-
tleman is a declared opponent of the ministry in parliament :
and, having an opulent fortune, piques himself upon living
in the country, and maintaining old English hospitality. By
the bye, this is a phrase very much used by the English
themselves, both in words and writing ; but I never heard
of it out of the island, except by way of irony and sarcasm.
What the hospitality of our forefathers has been, I should
be glad to see recorded rather in the memoirs of strangers
who have visited our country, and were the proper objects
and judges of such hospitality, than in the discourse and
lucubrations of the modern English, who seem to describe
it from theory and conjecture. Certain it is, we are gen-
erally looked upon by foreigners as a people totally destitute
of this virtue; and I never was in any country abroad where
I did not meet with persons of distinction who complained
of having been inhospitably used in Great Britain. A gentle-
man of France, Italy, or Germany, who has entertained and
lodged an Englishman at his house, when he afterwards
meets with his guest at London, is asked to dinner at the
Saracen's Head, the Turk's Head, the Boar's Head, or the
Bear, eats raw beef and butter, drinks execrable port, and is
allowed to pay his share of the reckoning.

But, to return from this digression, which my feeling for
the honour of my country obliged me to make. Our York-
shire cousin has been a mighty fox-hunter before the Lord;
but now he is too fat and unwieldy to leap ditches and five-
bar gates; nevertheless, he still keeps a pack of hounds,
which are well exercised, and his huntsman every night
entertains him with the adventures of the day's chase, which
he recites in a tone and terms that are extremely curious and

169

THE EXPEDITION OF

significant. In the meantime, his broad brawn is scratched ^
by one of his grooms. This fellow, it seems, having no in-
clination to curry any beast out of the stable, was at great
pains to scollop his nails in such a manner, that the blood
flowed at every stroke. He was in hopes that he would be
dismissed from this disagreeable office, but the event turned \
out contrary to his expectation. His master declared he was
the best scratcher in the family; and now he will not suffer
any other servant to draw a nail upon his carcase.

The squire's lady is very proud, without being stiff or in-
accessible. She receives even her inferiors in point of for-
tune with a kind of arrogant civility; but then she thinks
she has a right to treat them with the most ungracious
freedoms of speech, and never fails to let them know she is
sensible of her own superior affluence. In a word, she speaks
well of no living soul, and has not one single friend in the
world. Her husband hates her mortally; but although the
brute is sometimes so very powerful in him, that he will have
his own way, he generally truckles to her dominion, and
dreads, like a school-boy, the lash of her tongue. On the
other hand, she is afraid of provoking him too far, lest he
should make some desperate effort to shake off her yoke.
She therefore acquiesces in the proofs he daily gives of his
attachment to the liberty of an English freeholder, by saying
and doing, at his own table, whatever gratifies the brutality
of his disposition, or contributes to the ease of his person.
The house, though large, is neither elegant nor comfortable.
It looks like a great inn, crowded with travellers, -who dine
at the landlord's ordinary, where there is a great profusion
of victuals and drink; but mine host seems to be misplaced,
and I would rather dine upon filberts with a hermit, than
feed upon venison with a hog. The footmen might be aptly
compared to the waiters of a tavern, if they were more serv-
iceable, and less rapacious ; but they are generally insolent
and inattentive, and so greedy, that I think I can dine better,
and for less expense, at the Star and Garter in Pall Mall,
than at our cousin's castle in Yoikshire. The squire is not
only accommodated with a wife, but he is also blessed with
an only son, about two-and-twenty, just returned from Italy,
a complete fiddler, and dilettante; and he slips no oppor-

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

tunity of manifesting the most perfect contempt for his own
father.

When we arrived, there was a family of foreigners at
the house, on a visit to this virtuoso, with whom they had
been acquainted at the Spa. It was the Count de Melville,
with his lady, on their way to Scotland. Mr. Burdock had
met with an accident, in consequence of which both the
Count and I would have retired ; but the young gentleman
and his mother insisted upon our staying dinner, and their
serenity seemed to be so little ruffled by what had happened,
that we complied with their invitation. The squire had
been brought home overnight in his post-chaise, so terribly
belaboured about the pate, that he seemed to be in a state
of stupefaction, and had ever since remained speechless. A
country apothecary, called Grieve, who lived in a neighbour-
ing village, having been called to his assistance, had let him
blood, and applied a poultice to his head, declaring that he
had no fever, nor any other bad symptom, but the loss of
speech, if he really had lost that faculty. But the young
squire said this practitioner was an ignorantaccio, that there
was a fracture in the cranium, and that there was a neces-
sity for having him trepanned without loss of time. His
mother espousing this opinion, had sent an express to Yoik
for a surgeon to perform the operation, and he was already
come, with his 'prentice and instruments. Having examined
the patient's head, he began to prepare his dressings; though
Grieve still retained his first opinion that there was no
fracture, and was the more confirmed in it, as the squire
had passed the night in profound sleep, uninterrupted by any
catching or convulsion. The York surgeon said he could
not tell whether there was a fracture, until he should take
off the scalp; but at any rate, the operation might be of
service, in giving vent to any blood that might be extra-
vasated, either above or below the dura mater. The lady
and her son were clear for trying the experiment; and
Grieve was dismissed with some marks of contempt, which,
perhaps, he owed to the plainness of his appearance. He
seemed to be about the middle age, wore his own black hair
without any sort of dressing; by his garb, one would have
taken him for a Quaker, but he had none of the stiffness of

THE EXPEDITION OF

that sect; on the contrary, he was very submissive, respect-
ful, and remarkably taciturn.

Leaving the ladies in an apartment by themselves, we ad-
journed to the patient's chamber, where the dressings and
instruments were displayed in order upon a pewter dish.
The operator, laying aside his coat and periwig, equipped
himself with a nightcap, apron, and sleeves, while his
'prentice and footman, seizing the squire's head, began to
place it in a proper posture. But mark what followed. The
patient, bolting upright in the bed, collared each of these as-
sistants with the grasp of Hercules, exclaiming, in a bellow-
ing tone, '' I han't lived so long in Yorkshire to be trepanned
by such vermin as you " ; and, leaping on the floor, put on his
breeches quietly, to the astonishment of us all. The surgeon
still insisted upon the operation, alleging it was now plain
that the brain was injured, and desiring the servants to put
him into bed again; but nobody would venture to execute
his orders, or even to interpose ; when the squire turned him
and his assistants out of doors, and threw his apparatus out
at the window. Having thus asserted his prerogative, and
put on his clothes with the help of a valet, the Count, with
my nephew and me, were introduced by his son, and received
with his usual style of rustic civility. Then, turning to Sig-
nior Macaroni, with a sarcastic grin, " I tell thee what, Dick,"
said he, " a man's skull is not to be bored every time his head
is broken; and I'll convince thee and thy mother, that I know
as many tricks as e'er an old fox in the West Riding."

We afterwards understood he had quarrelled at a public-
house with an exciseman, whom he challenged to a bout at
single-stick, in which he had been worsted; and that the
shame of this defeat had tied up his tongue. As for madam,
she had shown no concern for his disaster, and now heard
of his recovery without emotion. She had taken some little
notice of my sister and niece, though rather with a view to
indulge her own petulance, than out of any sentiment of
regard to our family. She said Liddy was a fright, and
ordered her woman to adjust he/ head before dinner; but
she would not meddle with Tabby, whose spirit, she soon
perceived, was not to be irritated with impunity. At table
she acknowledged me so far as to say she had heard of my

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

father; though she hinted that he had disobliged her family
by making a poor match In Wales. She was disagreeably
familiar in her Inquiries about our circumstances ; and asked
If I intended to bring up my nephew to the law? I told her
that as he had an independent fortune, he should follow no
profession but that of a country gentleman ; and that I was
not without hopes of procuring for him a seat in parliament.
" Pray, cousin," said she, " what may his fortune be ? "
When I answered that, with what I should be able to give
him, he would have better than two thousand a year ; she
replied, with a disdainful toss of the head, that it would be
impossible for him to preserve his Independence on such a
paltry provision.

Not a little nettled at this arrogant remark, I told her I
had the honour to sit in parliament with her father, when
he had little more than half that Income ; and I believed
there was not a more independent and incorruptible member
in the House. " Ay, but times are changed," cried the squire.
" Country gentlemen nowadays live after another fashion.
My table alone stands me a cool thousand a quarter, though I
raise my own stock, import my own liquors, and have every-
thing at the first hand. True It is, I keep open house, and
receive all comers, for the honour of Old England." — " If
that be the case," said I, " 'tis a wonder you can maintain It
at so small an expense ; but every private gentleman Is not
expected to keep a caravansera for the accommodation of
travellers. Indeed, if every individual lived in the same
style, you would not have such a number of guests at your
table ; of consequence your hospitality would not shine so
bright for the glory of the West Riding." The young squire,
tickled by this Ironical observation, exclaimed, " O die
hurla ! " — His mother eyec me in silence with a supercilious
air ; and the father of the feast, taking a bumper of October,
" My service to you, Cousin Bramble," said he, " I always
heard there was something keen and biting In the air of the
Welsh mountains."

I was much pleased with the Count de Melville, who is
sensible, easy, and polite ; and the Countess is the most
amiable woman I ever beheld. In the afternoon they took
leave of their entertainers ; and the young gentleman, mount-

173

THE EXPEDITION OF

ing his horse, undertook to conduct their coach through the
park, while one of their servants rode round to give notice
to the rest, whom they had left at a public-house on the
road. The moment their backs were turned, the censorious
demon took possession of our Yorkshire landlady and our
sister Tabitha. The former observed that the Countess was
a good sort of a body, but totally ignorant of good-breed-
ing, consequently awkward in her address. The squire said,
he did not pretend to the breeding of anything but colts;
but that the jade would be very handsome, if she was a little
more in flesh. " Handsome ! " cried Tabby, " she has in-
deed a pair of black eyes without any meaning; but then
there is not a good feature in her face." — " I know not what
you call good features in Wales," replied our landlord ; " but
they'll pass in Yorkshire." Then turning to Liddy, he added,
''What say you, my pretty Redstreak? — what is your opin-
ion of the Countess?" — ''I think," cried Liddy, with great
emotion, " she's an angel." Tabby chid her for talking with
such freedom in company; and the lady of the house said,
in a contemptuous tone, she supposed Miss had been brought
up at a country boarding-school.

Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the young
gentleman, who galloped into the yard all aghast, exclaim-
ing that the coach was attacked by a great number of high-
waymen. My nephew and I rushed out, found his own and
his servant's horse ready saddled in the stable, with pistols
in the caps. We mourtted instantly, ordered Clinker and
Dutton to follow with all possible expedition ; but, notwith-
standing all the speed we could make, the action was over
before we arrived, and the Count, with his lady, safe lodged
at the house of Grieve, who had signalised himself in a very
remarkable manner on this occasion. At the turning of a
lane that led to the village where the Count's servants re-
mained, a couple of robbers a-horseback suddenly appeared,
with their pistols advanced ; one kept the coachman in awe,
and the other demanded the Count's money, while the young
squire went oft' at full speed, without ever casting a look
behind. The Count desired the thief to withdraw his pistol,
as the lady was in great terror, delivered his purse without
making the least resistance ; but not satisfied with this booty,

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

which was pretty considerable, the rascal insisted upon rifling
her of her ear-rings and necklace, and the Countess screamed
with affright. Her husband, exasperated at the violence with
which she was threatened, wrested the pistol out of the fel-
low's hand, and, turning it upon him, snapped it in his face;
but the robber, knowing there was no charge in it, drew
another from his bosom, and in all probability would have
killed him on the spot, had not his life been saved by a won-
derful interposition. Grieve, the apothecary, chancing to
pass that very instant, ran up to the coach, and, with a crab-
stick, which was all the weapon he had, brought the fellow to
the ground with the first blow; then seizing his pistol, pre-
sented it to his colleague, who fired his piece at random, and
lied without farther opposition. The other was secured by
the assistance of the Count and the coachman ; and his legs
being tied under the belly of his own horse. Grieve conducted
him to the village, whither also the carriage proceeded. It
was with great difficulty the Countess could be kept from
swooning; but at last she was happily conveyed to the house
of the apothecary, who went into the shop to prepare some
drops for her, while his wife and daughter administered to
her in another apartment.

I found the Count standing in the kitchen with the parson
of the parish, and expressing much impatience to see his pro-
tector, whom as yet he had scarce found time to thank for
the essential service he had done him and the Countess. The
daughter passing at the same time with a glass of water.
Monsieur de Melville could not help taking notice of her
figure, which was strikingly engaging — " Ay," said the par-
son, '' she is the prettiest girl and the best girl in all my
parish ; and if I could give my son an estate of ten thousand
a year, he should have my consent to lay it at her feet. If
Mr. Grieve had been as solicitous about getting money, as he
has been in performing all the duties of a primitive Christian,
Fy would not have hung so long upon his hands." — " What
is her name?" said I. "Sixteen years ago,' answered the
vicar, '' I christened her by the name of Serafina Melvilia." —
" Ha ! what ! how ! " cried the X^ount eagerly, " sure you said
Serafina Melvilia." — "I did," said he; "Mr. Grieve told me

THE EXPEDITION OF

those were the names of two noble persons abroad, to whom
he had been obliged for more than life."

The Count, without speaking another syllable, rushed into
the parlour crying, " This is your god-daughter, my dear."
Mrs. Grieve then, seizing the Countess by the hand, exclaimed
with great agitation, *' O madam ! — O sir ! I am — I am your
poor Elinor. This is my Serafina Melvilia. O child ! these
are the Count and Countess of Melville — the generous — the
glorious benefactors of thy once unhappy parents."

The Countess, rising from her seat, threw her arms about
the neck of the amiable Serafina, and clasped her to her breast
with great tenderness, while she herself was embraced by the
weeping mother. This moving scene was completed by the
entrance of Grieve himself, who, falling on his knees before
the Count, *' Behold," said he, " a penitent, who at length can
look upon his patron without shrinking." — *'Ah, Ferdinand ! "
cried he, raising and folding him in his arms, " the playfellow
of my infancy — the companion of my youth ! It is to you
then I am indebted for my life?" — ''Heaven has heard my
prayer," said the other, " and given me an opporttmity to
prove myself not altogether unworthy of your clemency and
protection." He then kissed the hand of the Countess, vv'hile
Monsieur de Melville saluted his wife and lovely daughter,
and all of us were greatly affected by this pathetic recogni-
tion.

In a word. Grieve was no other than Ferdinand Count
Fathom, whose adventures were printed many years ago. Be-
ing a sincere convert to virtue, he had changed his name, that
he might elude the inquiries of the Count, whose generous
allowance he determined to forego, that he might have no
dependence but upon his own industry and moderation. He
had accordingly settled in this village as a practitioner in sur-
gery and physic, and for some years wrestled with all the
miseries of indigence; which, however, he and his wife had
borne with the most exemplary resignation. At length, by
dint of unwearied attention to the duties of his profession,
which he exercised with equal humanity and success, he had
acquired a tolerable share of business among the farmers and
common people, which enabled him to live in a decent man-
ner. He had been scarce ever seen to smile, was unaffectedly

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

pious ; and all the time he could spare from the avocations of
his employment, he spent in educating his daughter, and in
studying for his own improvement. In short, the adventurer
Fathom was, under the name of Grieve, universally respected
among the commonalty of this district, as a prodigy of learn-
ing and virtue. These particulars I learned from the vicar,
when we quitted the room, that they might be under no re-
straint in their mutual effusions. I make no doubt that Grieve
will be pressed to leave off business, and reunite himself to the
Count^s family; and as the Countess seemed extremely fond
of his daughter, she will, in all probability, insist upon Sera-
fma's accompanying her to Scotland.

Having paid our compliments to these noble persons, we
returned to the squire's, where we expected an invitation to
pass the night, which was wet and raw ; but, it seems. Squire
Burdock's hospitality reached not so far for the honour of
Yorkshire : we therefore departed in the evening, and lay at
an inn, where I caught cold.

In hope of riding it down before it could take fast hold on
my constitution, I resolved to visit another relation, one Mr.
Pimpernel, who lived about a dozen miles from the place
where we lodged. Pimpernel, being the youngest of four
sons, was bred an attorney at Furnival's Inn ; but all his elder
brothers dying, he got himself called to the bar for the honour
of his family, and, soon after this preferment, succeeded to his
father's estate, which was very considerable. He carried
home with him all the knavish chicanery of the lowest petti-
fogger, together with a wife whom he had purchased of
a drayman for twenty pounds ; and he soon found means to
obtain a dedimiis as an acting justice of peace. He is not only
a sordid miser in his disposition, but his avarice is mingled
with a spirit of despotism, which is truly diabolical. He is
a brutal husband, an unnatural parent, a harsh master, an
oppressive landlord, a litigious neighbour, and a partial mag-
istrate. Friends he has none ; and, in point of hospitality and
good-breeding, our cousin Burdock is a prince in comparison
of this ungracious miscreant, whose house is the lively repre-
sentation of a jail. Our reception was suitable to the charac-
ter I have sketched. Had it depended upon the wife, we
should have been kindly treated. She is really a good sort

12 177

THE EXPEDITION OF

of a woman, in spite of her low original, and well respected
in the county; but she has not interest enough in her own
house to command a draught of table-beer, far less to bestow
any kind of education on her children, who run about like
ragged colts in a state of nature. Pox on him ! he is such a
dirty fellow, that I have not patience to prosecute the sub-
ject.

By the time we reached Harrowgate, I began to be visited
by certain rheumatic symptoms. The Scotch lawyer, Mr.
Micklewhimmen, recommended a hot bath of these waters so
earnestly that I was over-persuaded to try the experiment.
He had used it often with success, and always stayed an hour
in the bath, which was a tub filled with Harrowgate water,
heated for the purpose. If I could hardly bear the smell of a
single tumbler when cold, you may guess how my nose was re-
galed by the steams arising from a hot bath of the same fluid.
At night I was conducted into a dark hole on the ground floor,
where the tub smoked and stunk like the pit of Acheron in
one corner, and in another stood a dirty bed provided with
thick blankets, in which I was to sweat after coming out of
the bath. My heart seemed to die within me when I entered
this dismal bagnio, and found my brain assaulted by such in-
sufl^erable effluvia. I cursed Micklewhimmen, for not con-
sidering that my organs were formed on this side of the
Tweed ; but being ashamed to recoil upon the threshold, I
submitted to the process.

After having endured all but real suffocation for above a
quarter of an hour in the tub, I was moved to the bed, and
wrapped in blankets. There I lay a full hour panting with
intolerable heat ; but not the least moisture appearing on my
skin, I was carried to my own chamber, and passed the night
without closing an eye, in such a flutter of spirits as rendered
me the most miserable wretch in being. I should certainly
have run distracted, if the rarefaction of my blood, occasioned
by that Stygian bath, had not burst the vessels, and produced
a violent hemorrhage, which, though dreadful and alarming,
removed the horrible disquiet. I lost two pounds of blood and
more on this occasion ; and firid myself still weak and languid :
but, I believe, a little exercise will forward my recovery; and
therefore I am resolved to set out to-morrow for York, in my

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

way to Scarborough, where I propose to brace up my fibres
by sea-bathing, which I know is one of your favourite speci-
fics. There is, however, one (Hsease, for which you have
found as yet no specific, and that is old age, of which this
tedious unconnected epistle is an infallible symptom. What,
therefore, cannot be cured, must be endured, by you, as well
as by yours, Matt. Bramble.

Harrowgate, June 26.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Knight, — The manner of living at Harrowgate was
so agreeable to my disposition, that I left the place with some
regret. Our aunt Tabby would have probably made some
objection to our departing so soon, had not an accident em-
broiled her with Mr. Micklewhimmen, the Scotch advocate,
on whose heart she had been practising, from the second day
after our arrival. That original, though seemingly precluded
from the use of his limbs, had turned his genius to good ac-
count. In short, by dint of groaning and whining, he had
excited the compassion of the company so effectually that an
old lady, who occupied the very best apartment in the house,
gave it up for his ease and convenience. When his man led
him into the long-room, all the females were immediately in
commotion. One set an elbow-chair; another shook up the
cushion ; a third brought a stool ; and a fourth a pillow, for
the accommodation of his feet. Two ladies (of whom Tabby
was always one) supported him into the dining-room, and
placed him properly at the table; and his taste was indulged
with a succession of delicacies, culled by their fair hands. All
this attention he repaid with a profusion of compliments and
benedictions, which were not the less agreeable for being de-
livered in the Scottish dialect. As for Mrs. Tabitha, his re-
spects were particularly addressed to her, and he did not fail
to mingle them with religious reflections, touching free grace,
knowing her bias to Methodism, which he also professed upon
a Calvinistical model.

For my part, I could not help thinking this lawyer was not
such an invalid as he pretended to be. I observed he ate very
heartily three times a day ; and though his bottle was marked

179

THE EXPEDITION OF

stomachic tincture, he had recourse to it so often, and seemed
to swallow it with such peculiar relish, that I suspected it was
not compounded in the apothecary's shop, or the chemist's
laboratory. One day, while he was earnest in discourse with
Mrs. Tabitha, and his servant had gone out on some occa-
sion or other, I dexterously exchanged the labels and situa-
tion of his bottle and mine; and, having tasted his tincture,
found it was excellent claret. I forthwith handed it about to
some of my neighbours, and it was quite emptied before Mr.
Micklewhimmen had occasion to repeat his draught. At
length, turning about, he took hold of my bottle instead of his
own, and, filling a large glass, drank to the health of Mrs.
Tabitha. It had scarce touched his lips, when he perceived
the change which had been put on him, and was at first a
little out of countenance. He seemed to retire within himself
in order to deliberate, and in half a minute his resolution was
taken. Addressing himself to our quarter, " I give the gen-
tleman credit for his wit," said he ; " it was a gude practical
joke ; but sometimes hi joci in seria diicunt mala. I hope, for
his own sake, he hasna drank all the liccor ; for it was a vara
poorful infusion ot jallap in Bordeaux wine; and it's possible
he may ta'en sic a dose as will produce a terrible catastrophe
in his ain booels."

By far the greater part of the contents had fallen to the
share of a young clothier from Leeds, who had come to make
a figure at Harrowgate, and was, in effect, a great coxcomb
in his way. It was with a view to laugh at his fellow-guests,
as well as to mortify the lawyer, that he had emptied the bot-
tle, when it came to his turn, and he had laughed accordingly.
But now his mirth gave way to his apprehension. He began
to spit, to make wry faces, and writhe himself into various
contortions — " D — n the stuff ! " cried he, '' I thought it had
a villanous twang — pah ! He that would cozen a Scot, mun
get oop betimes, and take old Scratch for his counsellor." —
" In trouth, mester what d'ye ca'um," replied the lawyer,
" your wit has run you into a filthy puddle — I'm truly con-
sarned for your waeful case. The best advice I can give you
in sic a dilemma, is to send an express to Rippon for Dr.
Waugh without delay; and, in the meantime, swallow all the
oil and butter you can find in the hoose, to defend your poor

iSo

HUMPHRY CLINKER

stomach and intastines from the vilHcation of the particles of
the jallap, which is vara violent, even when taken in modera-
tion."

The poor clothier's torments had already begun. He re-
tired, roaring with pain, to his own chamber; the oil was
swallowed, and the doctor sent for ; but before he arrived, the
miserable patient had made such discharges upwards and
downwards, that nothing remained to give him farther of-
fence. And this double evacuation was produced by imag-
ination alone ; for what he had drunk was genuine wine of
Bordeaux, which the lawyer had brought from Scotland, for
his own private use. The clothier, finding the joke turn out
so expensive and disagreeable, quitted the house next morn-
ing, leaving the triumph to Micklewhimmen, who enjoyed it
internally, without any outward signs of exultation ; on the
contrary, he affected to pity the young man for what he had
suffered, and acquired fresh credit from this show of mod-
eration.

It was about the middle of the night which succeeded this
adventure, that the vent of the kitchen chimney being foul,
the soot took fire, and the alarm was given in a dreadful man-
ner. Everybody leaped naked out of bed, and in a minute the
whole house was filled with cries and confusion. There were
two stairs in the house, and to these we naturally ran ; but
they were both so blocked up by the people pressing upon one
another, that it seemed impossible to pass without throwing
down and trampling upon the women. In the midst of this
anarchy, Mr. Micklewhimmen, with a leathern portmanteau
on his back, came running as nimbly as a buck along the
passage; and Tabby, in her under petticoat, endeavouring to
hook him under the arm, that she might escape through his
protection, he very fairly pushed her down, crying, " Na, na,
gude faith, charity begins at hame ! " Without paying the
least respect to the shrieks and entreaties of his female
friends, he charged through the midst of the crowd, over-
turning everything that opposed him, and actually fought his
way to the bottom of the staircase. By this time Clinker had
found a ladder, by which he entered the window of my uncle's
chamber, where our family was assembled, and proposed that
we should make our exit successively by that conveyance.

i8i

THE EXPEDITION OF

The squire exhorted his sister to begin the descent; but, be-
fore she could resolve, her woman, Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, in
a transport of terror, threw herself out at the window upon
the ladder, while Humphry dropped upon the ground, that
he might receive her in her descent. This maiden was just
as she had started out of bed; the moon shone very bright,
and a fresh breeze of wind blowing, none of Mrs. Winifred's
beau^^ies could possibly escape the view of the fortunate
Clinker, whose heart was not able to withstand the united
force of so many charms ; at least, I am much mistaken if he
has not been her humble slave from that moment. He re-
ceived her in his arms, and, giving her his coat to protect her
from the weather, ascended again with admirable dexterity.

At that instant the landlord of the house called out with an
audible voice, that the fire was extinguished, 'and the ladies
had nothing farther to fear. This was a welcome note to the
audience, and produced an immediate effect ; the shrieking
ceased, and a confused sound of expostulation ensued. I con-
ducted Mrs. Tabitha and my sister to their own chamber,
where Liddy fainted away, but was soon brought to herself.
Then I went to offer my service to the other ladies, who might
want assistance. They were all scudding through the passage
to their several apartments ; and as the thoroughfare was
lighted by two lamps, I had a pretty good observation of them
in their transit ; but, as most of them were naked to the smock,
and all their heads shrouded in huge nightcaps, I could not
distinguish one face from another, though I recognised some
of their voices. These were generally plaintive ; some wept,
some scolded, and some prayed. I lifted up one poor gentle-
woman, who had been overturned and sore bruised by a mul-
titude of feet ; and this was also the case with the lame par-
son from Northumberland, whom Micklewhimmen had in his
passage overthrown, though not with impunity; for the crip-
ple, in falling, gave him such a good pelt in the head with his
crutch, that the blood followed.

As for the lawyer, he waited below till the hurly-burly was
over, and then stole softly to his own chamber, from which he
did not venture to make a second sally till eleven in the fore-
noon, when he was led into the public room by his own serv-
ant and another assistant, groaning most wofully, with a

182

HUMPHRY CLINKER

bloody napkin round his head. But things were greatly al-
tered— the selfish brutality of his behaviour on the stairs had
steeled their hearts against all his arts and address. Not a
soul offered to accommodate him with a chair, cushion, or
footstool; so that he was obliged to sit down on a hard
wooden bench. In that position he looked around with a
rueful aspect, and, bowing very low, said, in a whining tone,
" Your most humble servant, ladies — fire is a dreadful calam-
ity."— " Fire purifies gold, and it tries friendship," cried Mrs.
Tabitha, bridling. " Yea, madam," replied Micklewhimmen,
" and it trieth discretion also." — '' If discretion consists in for-
saking a friend in adversity, you are eminently possessed of
that virtue," resumed our aurit. " Na, madam," rejoined the
advocate, " well I wot, I cannot claim any merit from the
mode of my retreat. Ye'U please to observe, ladies, there are
twa independent principles that actuate our nature; one is
instinct, which we have in common with the brute creation,
and the other is reason. Noo, in certain great emergencies,
when the faculty of reason is suspended, instinct taks the
lead, and, when this predominates, having no affinity with rea-
son, it pays no sort of regard to its connexions ; it only oper-
ates for the preservation of the individual, and that by the
most expeditious and effectual means. Therefore, begging
your pardon, ladies, Fm no accountable, in foro conscientioe,
for what I did, while under the influence of this irresistible
pooer."

Here my uncle interposed, — " I should be glad to know,"
said he, " whether it was instinct that prompted you to retreat
with bag and baggage; for, I think, you had a portmanteau
on your shoulder." — The lawyer answered without hesita-
tion, " Gif I might tell my mind freely, without incurring the
suspicion of presumption, I should think it was something
superior to either reason or instinct which suggested that
measure, and this on a twafald accoont. In the first place,
the portmanteau contained the writings of a worthy noble-
man's estate ; and their being burnt would have occasioned a
loss that could not be repaired. Secondly, my good angel
seems to have laid the portmantle on my shoulders, by way of
defence, to sustain the violence of a most inhuman blow from
the crutch of a reverend clergyman ; which, even in spite of

183

THE EXPEDITION OF

that medium, hath wounded me sorely, even unto the peri-
cranium."— " By your doctrine," cried the parson, who
chanced to be present, " I am not accountable for the blow,
which was the effect of instinct." — " I crave your pardon,
reverend sir," said the other, " instinct never acts but for the
preservation of the individual ; but your preservation was out
of the case. You had already received the damage, and there-
fore the blow must be imputed to revenge, which is a sinful
passion, chat ill becomes any Christian, especially a Protestant
divine ; and let me tell you, most reverend doctor, gin I had a
mind to plea, the law would hauld my libel relevant." — ''Why,
the damage is pretty equal on both sides," cried the parson;
" your head is broke, and my crutch is snapped in the middle.
Now, if you will repair the one, I will be at the expense of
curing the other."

This sally raised the laugh against Micklewhimmen, who
began to look grave; when my uncle, in order to change the
discourse, observed, that instinct had been very kind to him
in another respect, for it had restored to him the use of his
limbs, which, in his exit, he had moved with surprising agility.
He replied, that it was the nature of fear to brace up the
nerves, and mentioned some surprising feats of strength and
activity performed by persons under the impulse of terror ;
but he complained that, in his own particular, the effects had
ceased when the cause was taken away. The squire said he
would lay a tea-drinking on his head, that he should dance a
Scotch measure, without making a false step; and the advo-
cate grinning, called for the piper. A fiddler being at hand,
this original started up, with his bloody napkin over his black
tie-periwig, and acquitted himself in such a manner, as ex-
cited the mirth of the whole company; but he could not re-
gain the good graces of Mrs. Tabby, who did not understand
the principle of instinct ; and the lawyer did not think it worth
his while to proceed to further demonstration.

From Harrowgate we came hither, by the way of York,
and here we shall tarry some days, as my uncle and Tabitha
arc both resolved to make use of the waters. Scarborough,
though a paltry town, is romantic, from its situation along a
cliff that overhangs the sea. The harbour is formed by a
small elbow of land that runs out as a natural mole, directly

184

HUMPHRY CLINKER

opposite to the town; and on that side is the castle, which
stands very high, of considerable extent, and before the in-
vention of gunpowder was counted impregnable. At the other
end of Scarborough are two public rooms for the use of the
company who resort to this place in the summer, to drink the
waters and bathe in the sea; and the diversions are pretty
much on the same footing here as at Bath. The Spa is a
little way beyond the town, on this side, under a cliff, within
a few paces of the sea, and thither the drinkers go every
morning in dishabille; but the descent is by a great number
of steps, which invalids find very inconvenient.

Betwixt the well and the harbour, the bathing machines are
ranged along the beach, with all their proper utensils and at-
tendants. You have never seen one of these machines. Im-
agine to yourself a small, snug, wooden chamber, fixed upon
a wheel-carriage, having a door at each end, and, on each
side, a little window above, a bench below. The bather as-
cending into this apartment by wooden steps, shuts himself
in, and begins to undress, while the attendant yokes a horse to
the end next the sea, and draws the carriage forwards till the
surface of the water is on a level with the floor of the dress-
ing-room, then he moves and fixes the horse to the other end.
The person within, being stripped, opens the door to the sea-
ward, where he finds the guide ready, and plunges headlong
into the water. After having bathed, he reascends into the
apartment, by the steps which had been shifted for that pur-
pose, and puts on his clothes at his leisure, while the carriage
is drawn back again upon the dry land, so that he has nothing
further to do but to open the door, and come down as he went
up. Should he be so weak or ill as to require a servant to
put off or on his clothes, there is room enough in the apart-
ment for half-a-dozen people. The guides who attend the
ladies in the water are of their own sex, and they and the
female bathers have a dress of flannel for the sea ; nay, they
are provided with other conveniences for the support of de-
corum. A certain number of the machines are fitted with
tilts, that project from the seaward ends of them, so as to
screen the bathers from the view of all persons whatsoever.
The beach is admirably adapted for this practice, the descent
being gently gradual, and the sand soft as velvet; but then

i8S

THE EXPEDITION OF.

the machines can be used only at a certain time of the tide,
which varies every day; so that sometimes the bathers are
obhged to rise very early in the morning. For my part, I
love swimming as an exercise, and can enjoy it at all times of
the tide, without the formality of an apparatus. You and I
have often plunged together into the Isis, but the sea is a
much more noble bath, for health as well as pleasure. You
cannot conceive what a flow of spirits it gives, and how it
braces every sinew of the human frame. Were I to enu-
merate half the diseases which are every day cured by sea-
bathing, you might justly say you had received a treatise, in-
stead of a letter, from

Your affectionate friend and servant,
Scarborough, July i. J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

I HAVE not found all the benefit I expected at Scarbor-
ough, where I have been these eight days. From Harrow-
gate we came hither by the way of York, where we stayed
only one day, to visit the castle, the minster, and the assem-
bly-room. The first, which was heretofore a fortress, is now
converted into a prison, and is the best, in all respects, I ever
saw at home or abroad. It stands in a high situation, ex-
tremely well ventilated, and has a spacious area within the
walls for the health and convenience of all the prisoners, ex-
cept those whom it is necessary to secure in close confine-
ment. Even these last have all the comforts that the nature
of their situation can admit of. Here the assizes are held, in
a range of buildings erected for that purpose.

As for the minster, I know not how to distinguish it, ex-
cept by its great size, and the height of its spire, from those
other ancient churches in different parts of the kingdom,
which used to be called monuments of Gothic architecture ;
but it is now agreed that this style is Saracen rather than
Gothic, and, I suppose, it was first imported into England
from Spain, great part of which n-as under the dominion of
the T^Ioors. Those British architects who adopted this style
don't seem to have considered the propriety of their adop-
tion. The climate of the country possessed by the Moors or

i86

HUMPHRY CLINKER

Saracens, both in Africa and Spain, was so exceedingly hot
and dry, that those who built places of worship for the mul-
titude employed their talents in contriving edifices that
should be cool ; and for this purpose nothing could be better
adapted than those buildings, vast, narrow, dark, and lofty,
impervious to the sunbeams, and having little communica-
tion with the scorched external atmosphere, but ever afford-
ing a refreshing coolness, like subterranean cellars in the
heats of summer, or natural caverns in the bowels of huge
mountains. But nothing could be more preposterous than
to imitate such a mode of architecture in a country like
England, where the climate is cold, and the air eternally
loaded with vapours, and where, of consequence, the
builder's intention should be to keep the people dry and
warm.

For my part, I never entered the abbey church at Bath but
once, and the moment I stepped over the threshold, I found
myself chilled to the very marrow of my bones. When we
consider, that, in our churches in general, we breathe a gross
stagnated air, surcharged with damps from vaults, tombs,
and charnel-houses, may we not term them so many maga-
zines of rheums, created for the benefit of the medical faculty,
and safely aver that more bodies are lost than souls saved
by going to church, in the winter especially, which may be
said to engross eight months in the year. I should be glad
to know what offence it would give to tender consciences, if
the house of God was made more comfortable, or less dan-
gerous to the health of valetudinarians ; and whether it would
not be an encouragement to piety, as well as the salvation of
many lives, if the place of worship was well-floored, wain-
scoted, warmed, and ventilated, and its area kept sacred from
the pollution of the dead. The practice of burying in
churches was the effect of ignorant superstition, influenced
by knavish priests, who pretended that the devil could have
no power over the defunct if he was interred in holy ground ;
and this indeed is the only reason that can be given for con-
secrating all cemeteries even at this day.

The external appearance of an old cathedral cannot be but
displeasing to the eye of every man who has any idea of pro-
priety or proportion, even though he may be ignorant of

187

THE EXPEDITION OF

architecture as a science ; and the long slender spire puts one
in mind of a criminal impaled, with a sharp stake rising up
through his shoulder. These towers, or steeples, were Hke-
wise borrowed from the Mahometans, who, having no bells,
used such minarets for the purpose of calling the people to
prayers. They may be of farther use, however, for making
observations and signals, but I would vote for their being
distinct from the body of the church, because they serve only
to make the pile more barbarous, or Saracenical.

There is nothing of this Arabic architecture in the assem-
bly-room, which seems to me to have been built upon a de-
sign of Palladio, and might be converted into an elegant
place of worship; but it is indifferently contrived for that
sort of idolatry which is performed in it at present. The
grandeur of the fane gives a diminutive effect to the little
painted divinities that are adored in it, and the company, on
a ball-night, must look like an assembly of fantastic fairies,
revelling by moonlight among the columns of a Grecian
temple.

Scarborough seems to be falling off in point of reputation.
All these places (Bath excepted) have their vogue, and then
the fashion changes. I am persuaded there are fifty spas
in England as efficacious and salutary as that of Scarbor-
ough, though they have not yet risen to fame, and perhaps
never will, unless some medical encomiast should find an in-
terest in displaying their virtues to the public view. Be that
as it may, recourse will always be had to this place for the
convenience of sea-bathing, while this practice prevails ; but
it were to be wished they would make the beach more ac-
cessible to invalids.

I have here met with an old acquaintance, H — t, whom
you have often heard me mention as one of the most original
characters upon earth. I first knew him at Venice, and after-
wards saw him in different parts of Italy, where he was well
known by the nickname of Cavallo Bianco, from his appear-
ing always mounted on a pale horse, like Death in the Reve-
lation. You must remember the account I once gave you
of a curious dispute he had at Constantinople, with a couple
of Turks, in defence of the Christian religion ; a dispute from

1 88

HUMPHRY CLINKER

which he acquired the epithet of Demonstrator. The truth
is, H — t owns no reHgion but that of nature ; but, on this
occasion, he was stimulated to show his parts, for the honour
of his country. Some years ago, being in the Campidogh'o
at Rom^ he made up to the bust of Jupiter, and bowing very
low, exclaimed in the Italian language, '' I hope, sir, if ever
you get your head above water again, you will remember
that I paid my respects to you in your adversity." This sally
was reported to the Cardinal Camerlango, and by him laid
before Pope Benedict xiv., who could not help laughing at
the extravagance of the address, and said to the cardinal,
*' Those English heretics think they have a right to go to
the devil in their own way."

Indeed, H — t was the only Englishman I ever knew who
had resolution enough to live in his own way in the midst of
foreigners ; for, neither in dress, diet, customs, or conversa-
tion, did he deviate one tittle from the manner in which he
had been brought up. About twelve years ago, he began a
giro, or circuit, which he thus performed. At Naples, where
he fixed his headquarters, he embarked for Marseilles, from
whence he travelled with a voiturin to Antibes. There he
took his passage to Genoa and Lerici ; from which last place
he proceeded, by the way of Cambratina, to Pisa and Flor-
ence. After having halted some time in this metropolis, he
set out \yith a vetturino for Rome, where he reposed himself a
few weeks, and then continued his route to Naples, in order
to wait for the next opportunity of embarkation. After hav-
ing twelve times described this circle, he lately flew ofT at a
tangent to visit some trees at his country-house in England,
which he had planted above twenty years ago, after the plan
of the double colonnade in the piazza of St. Peter's at Rome.
He came hither to Scarborough to pay his respects to his

noble friend and former pupil, the M of G , and,

forgetting that he is now turned of seventy, sacrificed so
liberally to Bacchus, that next day he was seized with a fit
of the apoplexy, which has a little impaired his memory ; but
he retains all the oddity of his character in perfection, and is
going back to Italy, by the way of Geneva, that he may have
a conference with his friend Voltaire, about giving the last

189

THE EXPEDITION OF

blow to the Christian superstition. He intends to take ship-
ping here for Holland or Hamburg; for it is a matter of
great indifiference to him at what part of the Continent he
first lands.

When he was going abroad the last time, he took, his pas-
sage in a ship bound for Leghorn, and his baggage was
actually embarked. In going down the river by water, he
was, by mistake, put on board of another vessel under sail,
and, upon inquiry, understood she was bound to Peters-
burgh. " Petersburgh — Petersburgh," said he ; " I don't
care if I go along with you." He forthwith struck a bargain
with the captain, bought a couple of shirts of the mate, and
was safe conveyed to the court of Muscovy, from whence he
travelled by land to receive his baggage at Leghorn. He is
now more likely than ever to execute a whim of the same
nature ; and I will hold any wager, that, as he cannot be sup-
posed to live much longer, according to the course of nature,
his exit will be as odd as his life has been extravagant. ^

But, to return from one humourist to another. You must
know I have recei^ ed benefit both from the chalybeate and
the sea, and would have used them longer, had not a most
ridiculous adventure, by making me the town-talk, obliged
me to leave the place ; for I can't bear the thoughts of afford-
ing a spectacle to the multitude. Yesterday morning, at six
o'clock, I went down to the bathing-place, attended by my
servant Clinker, who waited on the beach as usual. The
wind blowing from the north, and the weather being hazy,
the water proved so chill, that, when I rose from my first
plunge, I could not help sobbing and bawling out from the
effects of the cold. Clinker, who heard my cry, and saw me

'This gentleman crossed the sea to France, visited and conferred with M. de
Voltaire at Fcrnay, resumed his old circuit at Genoa, and died in 1767, at the house of
Vanini in Florence. Beinp taken with a suppression of urine, he resolved, in imitation
of Pomponius Atticus to take himself off by abstinence; and this resolution he ex-
ecuted like an ancient Roman. He saw company to the last, cracked his jokes, con-
versed freely, and entertained his guests with music. On the third day of his fast, he
found himself entirely free of his complaint; but refused taking sustenance. He said,
the most disagreeable part of the voyage was past, and he should be a cursed fool
indeed to put about ship, when he was just entering the harbour. In these sentiments
he persisted, without any marks of aflectation, and thus finished his course with such
ease and serenity as would have done honour to the firmest stoic of antiquity.

1 00

HUMPHRY CLINKER

indistinctly a good way without the guide, buffeting the
waves, took it for granted I was drowning, and rushing into
the sea, clothes and all, overturned the guide, in his hurry
to save his master. I had swam out a few strokes, when,
hearing a noise, I turned about, and saw Clinker, already up
to his neck, advancing towards me, with all the wildness of
terror in his aspect. Afraid he would get out of his depth, I
made haste to meet him, when, all of a sudden, he seized me
by one ear, and dragged me bellowing with pain upon the
dry beach, to the astonishment of all the people, men, wom-
en, and children, there assembled.

I was so exasperated by the pain of my ear, and the dis-
grace of being exposed in such an attitude, that, in the first
transport, I struck him down ; then, running back into the
sea, took shelter in the machine, where my clothes had been
deposited. I soon recollected myself so far, as to do justice
to the poor fellow, who, in great simplicity of heart, had
acted from motives of fidelity and affection. Opening the
door of the machine, which was immediately drawn on shore,
I saw him standing by the wheel, dropping like a water-
work, and trembling from head to foot, partly from cold,
and partly from the dread of having offended his master. I
made my acknowledgments for the blow he had received,
assured him I was not angry, and insisted upon his going
home immediately, to shift his clothes ; a command which he
could hardly find in his heart to execute, so well disposed
was he to furnish the mob with farther entertainment at my
expense. Clinker's intention was laudable, without all doubt,
but, nevertheless, I am a sufferer by his simplicity. I have
had a burning heat, and a strange buzzing noise in that ear,
ever since it was so roughly treated ; and I cannot walk the
street without being pointed at, as the monster that was
haled naked ashore upon the beach. Well, I affirm that folly
is often more provoking than knavery, ay, and more mis-
chievous too ; and whether a man had not better choose a
sensible rogue, than an honest simpleton, for his servant, is
no matter of doubt with yours, Matt. Bramble.

Scarborough, July 4.

191

THE EXPEDITION OF

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxen.

Dear Wat, — We made a precipitate retreat from Scar-
borough, owing to the excessive deUcacy of our squire, who
cannot bear the thoughts of being proetereuntium digito mon-
stratus.

One morning, while he was bathing in the sea, his man
CHnker took it in his head that his master was in danger of
drowning; and, in this conceit, plunging into the water, he
lugged him out naked on the beach, and almost pulled off
his ear in the operation. You may guess how this achieve-
ment was relished by Mr. Bramble, who is impatient, irasci-
ble, and has the most extravagant ideas of decency and de-
corum in the economy of his own person. In the first
ebullition of his choler, he knocked Clinker down with his
fist ; but he afterwards made him amends for this outrage ;
and, in order to avoid the further notice of the people, among
whom this incident had made him remarkable, he resolved
to leave Scarborough next day.

We set out accordingly over the moors, by the way of
Whitby, and began our journey betimes, in hopes of reach-
ing Stockton that night ; but in this hope we were disap-
pointed. In the afternoon, crossing a deep gutter, made by
a torrent, the coach was so hard strained, that one of the
irons which connect the frame snapt, and the leather sling
on the same side cracked in the middle. The shock was so
great, that my sister Liddy struck her head against Mrs.
Tabitha's nose with such violence that the blood flowed ; and
Win. Jenkins was darted through a small window in that
part of the carriage next the horses, where she stuck like a
bawd in the pillory, till she was released by the hand of Mr.
Bramble. We were eight miles distant from any place
where we could be supplied with chaises, and it was impossi-
ble to proceed with the coach, until the damage should be
repaired. In this dilemma, we discovered a blacksmith's
forge on the edge of a small common, about half a mile from
the scene of our disaster, and thither the postillions made
shift to draw the carriage slowly, while the company walked
a-foot ; but we found the blacksmith had been dead some
days ; and his wife, who had been lately delivered, was de-

192

-5>«j„«iit ftiluJ bt, jt^t>^*i^K«lt,-

Humphry's Zeal for his Master

HUMPHRY CLINKER

prived of her senses, under the care of a nurse hired by the
parish. We were exceedingly mortified at this disappoint-
ment, which, however, was surmounted by the help of Hum-
phry Clinker, who is a surprising compound of genius and
simplicity. Finding the tools of the defunct, together with
some coals in the smithy, he unscrewed the damaged iron
in a twinkling, and, kindling a fire, united the broken pieces
with equal dexterity and despatch. While he was at work
upon this operation, the poor woman in the straw, struck
with the well-known sound of the hammer and anvil, started
up, and, notwithstanding all the nurse's efforts, came running
into the smithy, where, throwing her arms about Clinker's
neck, " Ah, Jacob ! " cried she, '' how could you leave me in
such a condition? "

This incident was too pathetic to occasion mirth — it
brought tears into the eyes of all present. The poor widow
was put to bed again ; and we did not leave the village with-
out doing something for her benefit. Even Tabitha's charity
was awakened on this occasion. As for the tender-hearted
Humphry Clinker, he hammered the iron, and wept at the
same time. But his ingenuity was not confined to his own
province of farrier and blacksmith — it was necessary to join
the leather sling, which had been broke ; and this service he
likewise performed, by means of a broken awl, which he new
pointed and ground, a little hemp, which he spun into lingles,
and a few tacks which he made for the purpose. Upon the
whole, we were in a condition to proceed in little more than
one hour ; but even this delay obliged us to pass the night at
Gisborough. Next day we crossed the Tees at Stockton,
which is a neat agreeable town ; and there we resolved to
dine, with purpose to lie at Durham.

Whom should we meet in the yard, when we alighted,
but Martin, the adventurer ! Having handed out the ladies,
and conducted them into an apartment, where he paid his
compliments to Mrs. Tabby, with his usual address, he
begged leave to speak to my uncle in another room ; and
there, in some confusion, he made an apology for having
taken the liberty to trouble him with a letter at Stevenage.
He expressed his hope, that Mr. Bramble had bestowed some

18 193

THE EXPEDITION OF

consideration on his unhappy case, and repeated his desire
of being taken into his service.

My uncle, calHng me into the room, told him, that we
were both very well inclined to rescue him from a way of
life that was equally dangerous and dishonourable ; and that
he should have no scruple in trusting to his gratitude and
fidelity, if he had any employment for him, which he thought
would suit his qualifications and his circumstances ; but that
all the departments he had mentioned in his letter were filled
up by persons of whose conduct he had no reason to com-
plain ; of consequence he could not, without injustice, de-
prive any one of them of his bread. Nevertheless, he de-
clared himself ready to assist him in any feasible project,
either with his purse or credit.

Martin seemed deeply touched at this declaration. The
tear started in his eye, while he said, in a faltering accent,
" Worthy sir — your generosity oppresses me — 1 never
dreamed of troubling you for any pecuniary assistance —
indeed I have no occasion — I have been so lucky at billiards
and betting at different places, at Buxton, Harrowgate, Scar-
borough, and Newcastle races, that my stock in ready money
amounts to three hundred pounds, which I would willingly
employ in prosecuting some honest scheme of life ; but my
friend Justice Buzzard has set so many springes for my life,
that I am under the necessity of either retiring immediately
to a remote part of the country, where I can enjoy the pro-
tection of some generous patron, or of quitting the kingdom
altogether. It is upon this alternative that I now beg leave
to ask your advice. I have had information of all your route
since I had the honour to see you at Stevenage ; and, sup-
posing you would come this way from Scarborough, I came
hither last night from Darlington to pay you my respects."

" It would be no difficult matter to provide you with an
asylum in the country," replied my uncle ; " but a life of
indolence and obscurity would not suit with your active and
enterprising disposition — T would therefore advise you to try
your fortune in the East Indies. I will give you a letter to
a friend in London, who will recommend you to the direc-
tion, for a commission in the Company's service ; and if that
cannot be obtained, you will at least be received as a volun-

194

HUMPHRY CLINKER

teer — in which case you may pay for your passage, and I
shall undertake to procure you such credentials, that you
will not be long without a commission."

Martin embraced the proposal with great eagerness ;
it was therefore resolved that he should sell his horse, and
take a passage by sea for London, to execute the project
without delay. In the meantime, he accompanied us to Dur-
ham, where we took up our quarters for the night. Here,
being furnished with letters from my uncle, he took his leave
of us, with strong symptoms of gratitude and attachment,
and set out for Sunderland, in order to embark in the first
collier bound for the river Thames.

He had not been gone half an hour, when we were joined
by another character, which promised something extraordi-
nary. A tall meagre figure, answering, with his horse, the
description of Don Quixote mounted on Rozinante, appeared
in the twilight at the inn door, while my aunt and Liddy
stood at the window in the dining-room. He wore a coat,
the cloth of which had once been scarlet, trimmed with Bran-
denburgs, now totally deprived of their metal, and he had
holster-caps and housing of the same stufl* and same an-
tiquity. Perceiving ladies at the window above, he endeav-
oured to dismount with the most graceful air he could
assume; but the ostler neglecting to hold the stirrup, when
he wheeled off his right foot, and stood with his whole weight
on the other, the girth unfortunately gave way, the saddle
turned, down came the cavalier to the ground, and his hat
and periwig falling off, displayed a headpiece of various col-
ours, patched and plastered in a woful condition. The ladies,
at the window above, shrieked with affright, on the supposi-
tion that the stranger had received some notable damage in
his fall ; but the greatest injury he had sustained, arose from
the dishonour of his descent, aggravated by the disgrace of
exposing the condition of his cranium ; for certain plebeians
that were about the door, laughed aloud, in the belief that
the captain had got either a scald head, or a broken head,
both equally opprobrious.

He forthwith leaped up in a fury, and snatching one of
his pistols, threatened to put the ostler to death, when an-
other squall from the women checked his resentment. He

195

THE EXPEDITION OF

then bowed to the window, while he kissed the butt-end of
his pistol, which he replaced, adjusted his wig in great con-
fusion, and led his horse into the stable. By this time I had
come to the door, and could not help gazing at the strange
figure that presented itself to my view. He would have
measured above six feet in height, had he stood upright ; but
he stooped very much, was very narrow in the shoulders, and
very thick in the calves of the legs, which were cased in black
spatterdashes. As for his thighs, they were long and slender,
like those of a grasshopper ; his face was at least half a yard
in length, brown and shrivelled, with projecting cheek-bones,
little grey eyes on the greenish hue, a large hook nose, a
pointed chin, a mouth from ear to ear, very ill furnished with
teeth, and a high narrow forehead, well furrowed with
wrinkles. His horse was exactly in the style of its rider; a
resurrection of dry bones, which (as we afterwards learned)
he valued exceedingly, as the only present he had ever re-
ceived in his life.

Having seen this favourite steed properly accommodated
in ihe stable, he sent up his compliments to the ladies, beg-
ging permission to thank them in person for the marks of
concern they had shown at his disaster in the court-yard.
As the squire said they could not decently decline his visit,
he was shown upstairs, and paid his respects in the Scotch
dialogue [-lect] with much formality. '' Ladies," said he,
** perhaps you may be scandaleesed at the appearance my
head made when it was uncovered by accident ; but I can
assure you, the condition you saw it in, is neither the effects
of disease, nor of drunkenness ; but an honest scar received
in the service of my country." He then gave us to under-
stand, that, having been wounded at Ticonderoga in Amer-
ica, a party of Indians rifled him, scalped him, broke his skull
with the 1)low of a tomahawk, and then left him for dead on
the field of battle ; but that, being afterwards found with
signs of life, he had been cured in the French hospital,
though the loss of substance could not be repaired ; so that
the skull was left naked in several places, and these he cov-
ered witli patches.

There is no hold by which an Englishman is sooner taken
than that of compassion. We were immediately interested

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

in behalf of this veteran. Even Tabby's heart was meUed ;
but our pity was warmed with indignation, when we learned,
that, in the course of two sanguinary wars, he had been
wounded, maimed, mutilated, taken, and enslaved, without
having ever attained a higher rank than that of lieutenant.
My uncle's eyes gleamed, and his nether lip quivered, while
he exclaimed, '' I vow to God, sir, your case is a reproach to
the service ; the injustice you have met with is so flagrant." —
*' I must crave your pardon, sir," cried the other, interrupt-
ing him, " I complain of no injustice. I purchased an en-
signcy thirty years ago ; and, in the course of service, rose
to be a lieutenant, according to my seniority "— " But in
such a length of time," resumed the squire, " you must have
seen a great many young officers put over your head." —
** Nevertheless," said he, '' I have no cause to murmur. They
bought their preferment with their money. I had no money
to carry to market — that was my misfortune ; but nobody
was to blame " — " What ! no friend to advance a sum of
money?" said Mr. Bramble. — "Perhaps I might have bor-
rowed money for the purchase of a company," answered the
other ; " but that loan must have been refunded ; and I did
not choose to encumber myself with a debt of a thousand
pounds, to be paid from an income of ten shillings a day." —
*' So you have spent the best part of your life," cried Mr.
Bramble, " your youth, your blood, and your constitution,
amidst the dangers, the difficulties, the horrors, and hard-
ships of war, for the consideration of three or four shillings
a day — a consideration " — " Sir," replied the Scot, with
great warmth, " you are the man that does me injustice, if
you say or think I have been actuated by any such paltry
consideration. I am a gentleman ; and entered the service
as other gentlemen do, with such hopes and sentiments as
honourable ambition inspires. If I have not been lucky in the
lottery of life, so neither do I think myself unfortunate. I
owe no man a farthing ; I can always command a clean shirt,
a mutton chop, and a truss of straw ; and, when I die, I shall
leave effects sufficient to defray the expense of my burial."

My uncle assured him, he had no intention to give him the
least ofifence, by the observations he had made ; but, on the
contrary, spoke from a sentiment of friendly regard to his

IQ7

THE EXPEDITION OF

interest. The lieutenant thanked him with a stiffness of
civiHty, which nettled our old gentleman, who perceived that
his moderation was all affected, for whatsoever his tongue
might declare, his whole appearance denoted dissatisfaction.
In short, without pretending to judge of his military merit,
I think I may affirm, that this Caledonian is a self-conceited
pedant, awkward, rude, and disputatious. He has had the
benefit of a school education, seems to have read a good
number of books, his memory is tenacious, and he pretends
to speak several different languages ; but he is so addicted to
wrangling, that he will cavil at the clearest truths, and, in
the pride of argumentation, attempt to reconcile contradic-
tions. Whether his address and qualifications are really of
that stamp which is agreeable to the taste of our aunt Mrs.
Tabitha, or that indefatigable maiden is determined to shoot
at every sort of game, certain it is, she has begun to prac-
tise upon the heart of the lieutenant, who favoured us with
his company to supper.

I have many other things to say of this man of war, which
I shall communicate in a post or two. Meanwhile, it is but
reasonable that ycu should be indulged with some respite
from those weary lucubrations of. Yours,

Newcastle-upon-Tyne, July lo. J. Melford.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — In my last, I treated you with a high-
flavoured dish, in the character of the Scotch lieutenant, and
I must present him once more for your entertainment. It was
our fortune to feed upon him the best part of three days ; and
I do not doubt that he will start again in our way before we
shall have finished our northern excursion. The day after
our meeting with him at Durliam proved so tempestuous, that
we did not choose to proceed on our journey; and my uncle
persuaded him to stay till the weather should clear up, giving
him, at the same time, a general invitation to our mess. The
man has certainly gathered a whcle budget of shrewd obser-
vations, but he brings them forth in such an ungracious man-
ner as would ])c extremely disgusting, if it was not marked
by that characteristic oddity which never fails to attract the

198

HUMPHRY CLINKER

attention. He and Mr. Bramble discoursed, and even dis-
puted, on different subjects in war, policy, the belles-lettres,
law, and metaphysics ; and sometimes they were wanned into
such altercation as seemed to threaten an abrupt dissolution
of their society; but Mr. Bramble set a guard over his own
irascibility, the more vigilantly as the ofiBcer was his guest ;
and when, in spite of all his efforts, he began to wax warm,
the other prudently cooled in the same proportion.

Mrs. Tabitha chancing to accost her brother by the familiar
diminutive of Matt, " Pray, sir," said the lieutenant, " is your
name Matthias ? " You must know, it is one of our uncle's
foibles to be ashamed of his name Matthew, because it is puri-
tanical ; and this question chagrined him so much, that he
answered, " No, by G — d ! " in a very abrupt tone of dis-
pleasure. The Scot took up umbrage at the manner of his
reply, and bristling up, " If I had known," said he, " that you
did not care to tell your name, I should not have asked the
question. The leddy called you Matt, and I naturally thought
it was Matthias; — perhaps it may be Methuselah, or Metro-
dorus, or Metellus, or Mathurinus, or Malthinnus, or Mata-
morus, or " — " No," cried my uncle, laughing, " it is neither
of those, captain. My name is Matthew Bramble, at your
service. The truth is, I have a foolish pique at the name of
Matthew, because it savours of those canting hypocrites, who,
in CromwelFs time, christened all their children by names
taken from the Scripture." — " A foolish pique, indeed," cried
Mrs. Tabby, ** and even sinful, to fall out with your name be-
cause it is taken from holy writ. I would have you to know,
you was called after great uncle Matthew ap Madoc ap Mere-
dith, Esquire, of Llanwysthin, in Montgomeryshire, justice
of the quorum, and crusty ruttleorum, a gentleman of great
worth and property, descended in a straight line, by the fe-
male side, from Llewellyn, Prince of Wales."

This genealogical anecdote seemed to make some impres-
sion upon the North Briton, who bowed very low to the de-
scendants of Llewellyn, and observed that he himself had the
honour of a scriptural nomination. The lady expressing a
desire of knowing his address, he said, he designed himself
Lieutenant Obadiah Lismahago; — and, in order to assist her
memory, he presented her with a slip of paper inscribed with

199

THE EXPEDITION OF

these three words, which she repeated with great emphasis,
declaring it was one of the most noble and sonorous names
she had ever heard. He observed, that Obadiah was an ad-
ventitious appellation, derived from his great-grandfather,
who had been one of the original covenanters ; but Lismahago
was the family surname, taken from a place in Scotland so
called. He likewise dropped some hints about the antiquity
of his pedigree, adding, with a smile of self-denial, Sed genus
et procvos, et quce non fecimus ipsi, vix ea nostra voco, which
quotation he explained in deference to the ladies; and Mrs.
Tabitha did not fail to compliment him on his modesty in
waiving the merit of his ancestry, adding, that it was the less
necessary to him, as he had such a considerable fund of his
own. She now began to glue herself to his favour with the
grossest adulation. She expatiated upon the antiquity and
virtues of the vScottish nation, upon their valour, probity,
learning, and politeness. She even descended to encomiums
on his own personal address, his gallantry, good sense, and
erudition. She appealed to her brother, whether the captain
was not the very image of our cousin Governor Griffith. She
discovered a surprising eagerness to know the particulars of
his life, and asked a thousand questions concerning his
achievements in war; all which Mr. Lismahago answered
with a sort of Jesuitical reserve, affecting a reluctance to sat-
isfy her curiosity on a subject that concerned his own ex-
ploits.

By dint of her interrogations, however, we learned, that
he and Ensign Murphy had made their escape from the
French hospital at Montreal, and taken to the woods, in hope
of reaching some English settlement; but, mistaking their
route, they fell in with a party of Miamis, who carried them
away in captivity,. The intention of these Indians was to
give one of them as an adopted son to a venerable sachem,
who had lost his own in the course of the war, and to sacrifice
the other according to the custom of the country. Murphy,
as being the younger and handsomer of the two, was designed
to fill the place of the deceased, not only as the son of the
sachem, but as the spouse of a beautiful squaw, to whom his
predecessor had been betrothed ; but, in passing through the
different wigwams, or villages of the Miamis, poor Alurphy

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

was so mangled by the women and children, who have the
privilege of torturing all prisoners in their passage, that, by
the time they arrived at the place of the sachem's residence, he
was rendered altogether unfit for the purposes of marriage.
It was determined, therefore, in the assembly of the warriors,
that Ensign Murphy should be brought to the stake, and that
the lady should be given to Lieutenant Lismahago, who had
likewise received his share of torments, though they had not
produced emasculation. A joint of one finger had been cut,
or rather sawed off with a rusty knife; one of his great toes
was crushed into a mash betwixt two stones ; some of his
teeth were drawn or dug out with a crooked nail ; splintered
reeds had been thrust up his nostrils and other tender parts;
and the calves of his legs had been blown up with mines of
gunpowder dug in the flesh with the sharp point of the toma-
hawk.

The Indians themselves allowed that Murphy died with
great heroism, singing, as his death song, the Dmnmendoo,
in concert with Mr. Lismahago, who was present at the solem-
nity. After the warriors and the matrons had made a hearty
meal upon the muscular flesh, which they pared from the vic-
tim, and had applied a great variety of tortures, which he
bore without flinching, an old lady, with a sharp knife,
scooped out one of his eyes, and put a burning coal in the
socket. The pain of this operation was so exquisite, that he
could not help bellowing, upon which the audience raised a
shout of exultation, and one of the warriors stealing behind
him, gave him the coup de grace with a hatchet.

Lismahago's bride, the squaw Squinkinacoosta, distin-
guished herself on this occasion. She showed a great supe-
riority of genius in the tortures which she contrived and exe-
cuted with her own hands. She vied with the stoutest warrior
in eating the flesh of the sacrifice; and after all the other
females were fuddled with dram-drinking, she was not so in-
toxicated but that she was able to play the game of the platter
with the conjuring sachem, and afterwards go through the
ceremony of her own wedding, which was consummated that
same evening. The captain had lived very happily with this
accomplished squaw for two years, during which she bore him
a son, who is now the representative of his mother's tribe;

201

THE EXPEDITION OF

but, at length, to his unspeakable grief, she had died of a
fever, occasioned by eating too much raw bear, which they
had killed in a hunting excursion.

By this time, Mr. Lismahago was elected sachem, acknowl-
edged first warrior of the Badger tribe, and dignified with
the name or epithet of Occacanastaogarora, which signifies
nimble as a weasel; but all these advantages and honours he
was obliged to resign, in consequence of being exchanged for
the orator of the community, who had been taken prisoner by
the Indians that were in alliance with the English. At the
peace, he had sold out upon half-pay, and was returned to
Britain, with a view to pass the rest of his life in his own
country, where he hoped to find some retreat, where his slen-
der finances would afford him a decent subsistence. Such are
the outlines of Mr. Lismahago's history, to which Tabitha
did seriously incline her ear; indeed, she seemed to be taken
with the same charms that captivated the heart of Desdemona,
who loved the Moor for the dangers he had passed.

The description of poor Murphy's sufferings, which threw
my sister Liddy into a swoon, extracted some sighs from the
breast of Mrs. Tabby ; when she understood he had been ren-
dered unfit for marriage, she began to spit, and ejaculated,
" Jesus, what cruel barbarians ! " and she made wry faces at
the lady's nuptial repast ; but she was eagerly curious to know
the particulars of her marriage dress ; whether she wore high-
breasted stays or bodice, a robe of silk or velvet, and laces of
Mechlin or minionete — she supposed, as they were connected
with the French, she used rouge, and had her hair dressed in
the Parisian fashion. The captain would have declined giving
a categorical explanation of all these particulars, observing,
in general, that the Indians were too tenacious of their own
customs to adopt the modes of any nation whatsoever. He
said, moreover, that neither the simplicity of their manners,
nor the commerce of their country, would admit of those ar-
ticles of luxury which are deemed magnificent in Europe ; and
that they were too virtuous and sensible to encourage the in-
troduction of any fashion which might help to render them
corrupt and effeminate.

These observations served only to inflame her desire of
knowing the particulars about which she had inquired ; and,

202

HUMPHRY CLINKER

with all his evasion, he could not help discovering the follow-
ing circumstances : — That his princess had neither shoes,
stockings, shift, nor any kind of linen; that her bridal dress
consisted of a petticoat of red baize, and a fringed blanket,
fastened about her shoulders with a copper skewer ; but of
ornaments she had great plenty. Her hair was curiously
plaited, and interwoven with bobbins of human bone — one
eyelid was painted green and the other yellow ; the cheeks
were blue, the lips white, the teeth red, and there was a black
list drawn down the middle of the forehead as far as the tip
of the nose ; a couple of gaudy parrot's feathers were stuck
through the division of the nostrils ; there was a blue stone set
in the chin ; her ear-rings consisted of two pieces of hickory,
of the size and shape of drumsticks; her arms and legs were
adorned with bracelets of wampum ; her breast glittered with
numerous strings of glass beads ; she wore a curious pouch,
or pocket, of woven grass, elegantly painted with various col-
ours ; about her neck was hung the fresh scalp of a Mohawk
warrior, whom her deceased lover had lately slain in battle;
and, finally, she was anointed from head to foot with bear's
grease, which sent forth a most agreeable odour.

One would imagine that these paraphernalia would not
have been much admired by a modern fine lady; but Mrs.
Tabitha was resolved to approve of all the captain's connex-
ions. She wished, indeed, the squaw had been better pro-
vided with linen; but she owned there was much taste and
fancy in her ornaments; she made no doubt, therefore, that
Madam Squinkinacoosta was a young lady of good sense and
rare accomplishments, and a good Christian at bottom. Then
she asked whether his consort had been High Church or Low
Church, Presbyterian, or Anabaptist, or had been favoured
with any glimmering of the new light of the gospel? When
he confessed that she and her whole nation were utter stran-
gers to the Christian faith, she gazed at him with signs of
astonishment; and Plumphry Clinker, who chanced to be in
the room, uttered a hollow groan.

After some pause, " In the name of God, Captain Lisma-
hago," cried she, " what religion do they profess? " — " As to
religion, madam," answered the lieutenant, " it is among those
Indians a matter of great simplicity — they never heard of any

203

THE EXPEDITION OF

alliance between Church and State. They, in general, wor-
ship two contending principles ; one the fountain of all good,
the other the source of evil. The common people there, as in
other countries, run into the absurdities of superstition; but
sensible men pay adoration to a supreme Being, who created
and sustains the universe." — " O ! what pity," exclaimed the
pious Tabby, " that some holy man has not been inspired to
go and convert these poor heathens ! "

The lieutenant told her, that, while he resided among them,
two French missionaries arrived, in order to convert them to
the Catholic religion; but when they talked of mysteries and
revelations, which they could neither explain nor authenticate,
and called in the evidence of miracles which they believed
upon hearsay ; when they taught, that the Supreme Creator
of heaven and earth had allowed his only Son, his own equal
in jx)wer and glory, to enter the bowels of a woman, to be
born as a human creature, to be insulted, flagellated, and
even executed as a malefactor ; when they pretended to create
God himself, to swallow, digest, revive, and multiply him
nd infinititin, by the help of a little flour and water, the In-
dians were shocked at the impiety of their presumption. They
were examined by the assembly of the sachems, who desired
them to prove the divinity of their mission by some miracle.
They answered, that it was not in their power. " If you were
really sent by heaven for our conversion," said one of the
sachems, " you would certainly have some supernatural en-
dowments, at least you would have the gift of tongues, in
order to explain your doctrine to the different nations among
which you are employed ; but you are so ignorant of our lan-
.c^uagc, that you cannot express yourselves even on the most
trilling suljjects."

In a word, the assembly were convinced of their being
cheats, and even suspected Ihem of being spies. They ordered
them a bag of Indian corn apiece, and appointed a guide to
conduct them to the frontiers; but the missionaries having
more zeal than discretion, refused to quit the vineyard. They
persisted in saying mass, in preaching, baptizing, and squab-
bling with the conjurers, or priests of the country, till they
had thrown tlic whole community into confusion. Then the
assembly proceeded to try them as impious impostors, who

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

represented the Almighty as a trifling, weak, capricious being,
and pretended to make, unmake, and reproduce him at pleas-
ure. They were, therefore, convicted of blasphemy and sedi-
tion, and condemned to the stake, where they died singing
Salve regina, in a rapture of joy, for the crown of martyrdom,
which they had thus obtained.

In the course of this conversation, Lieutenant Lismahago
dropt some hints, by which it appeared he himself was a free-
thinker. Our aunt seemed to be startled at certain sarcasms
he threw out against the creed of Saint Athanasius. He
dwelt much upon the words, reason, philosophy, and contra-
diction in terms — he bid defiance to the eternity of hell fire ;
and even threw such squibs at the immortality of the soul, as
singed a little the whiskers of Mrs. Tabitha's faith ; for, by
this time, she began to look upon Lismahago as a prodigy of
learning and sagacity — in short, he could be no longer in-
sensible to the advances she made towards his affection ; and,
although there was something repulsive in his nature, he
overcame it so far as to make some return to her civilities.
Perhaps, he thought it would be no bad scheme, in a superan-
nuated lieutenant on half-pay, to effect a conjunction with
an old maid, who, in all probability, had fortune enough to
keep him easy and comfortable in the fag-end of his days. An
ogling correspondence forthwith commenced between this
amiable pair of originals. Pie began to sweeten the natural
acidity of his discourse with the treacle of compliment and
commendation. He from time to time offered her snuff, of
which he himself took great quantities, and even made her a
present of a purse of silk grass, woven by the hands of the
amiable Squinkinacoosta, who had used it as a shot-pouch in
her hunting expeditions.

From Doncaster northwards, all the windows of all the inns
are scrawled with doggrel rhymes, in abuse of the Scotch na-
tion; and what surprised me very much, I did not perceive
one line written in the way of recrimination. Curious to hear
what Lismahago would say on this subject, I pointed out to
him a very scurrilous epigram against his countrymen, which
was engraved on one of the windows of the parlour where
we sat. Pie read it with the most starched composure; and
when I asked his opinion of the poetry^ " It is vara terse and

205

THE EXPEDITION OF

vara poignant," said he; "but with the help of a wat dish-
clout, it might be rendered more clear and parspicuous. I
marvel much that some modern wit has not published a col-
lection of these essays under the title of the Glazier s Triumph
over Sawney the Scot; — I'm persuaded it would be a vara
agreeable offering to the patriots of London and Westmin-
ster." When I expressed some surprise that the natives of
Scotland, who travel this way, had not broke all the windows
upon the road, " With submission," repHed the lieutenant,
" that were but shallow policy — it would only serve to make
the satire more cutting and severe; and, I think, it is much
better to let it stand in the window, than have it presented in
the reckoning."

My uncle's jaws began to quiver with indignation. He
said, the scribblers of such infamous stuff deserved to be
scourged at the cart's tail for disgracing their country with
such monuments of malice and stupidity. " These vermin,"
said he, " do not consider that they are affording their fellow-
subjects, whom they abuse, continual matter of self-gratula-
tion, as well as the means of executing the most manly ven-
geance that can te taken for such low, illiberal attacks. For
my part, I admire the philosophic forbearance of the Scotch,
as much as I despise the insolence of those wretched libellers,
which is akin to the arrogance of the village cock, who never
crows but upon his own dunghill." The captain, with an
affectation of candour, observed, that men of illiberal minds
were produced in every soil ; that, in supposing those were
the sentiments of the English in general, he should pay too
great a compliment to his own country, which was not of
consequence enough to attract the envy of such a flourishing
and powerful people.

Mrs. Tabby broke forth again in praise of his moderation,
and declared that Scotland was the soil which produced every
virtue under heaven. When Lismahago took his leave for
the night, she asked her brother, if the captain was not the
prettiest gentleman he had ever seen ; and whether there was
not something wonderfully engaging in his aspect? Mr.
Bramble having eyed her for some time in silence, " Sister,"
said he, " the lieutenant is, for aught I know, an honest man,
and a good officer ; he has a considerable share of understand-

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ing, and a title to more encouragement than he seems to have
met with in hfe; but I cannot, v/ith a safe conscience, affirm,
that he is the prettiest gentleman I ever saw ; neither can I
discern any engaging charm in his countenance, which, I vow
to God, is, on the contrary, very hard-favoured and forbid-
ding."

I have endeavoured to ingratiate myself with this North
Briton, who is really a curiosity ; but he has been very shy of
my conversation, ever since I laughed at his asserting that the
English tongue was spoke with more propriety at Edinburgh
than at London. Looking at me with a double squeeze of
souring in his aspect, '* If the old definition be true," said he,
" that risibility is the distinguishing characteristic of a ra-
tional creature, the English are the most distinguished for ra-
tionality of any people I ever knew." I owned that the Eng-
lish were easily struck with anything that appeared ludicrous,
and apt to laugh accordingly ; but it did not follow, that, be-
cause they were more given to laughter, they had more ration-
ality than their neighbours. I said, such an inference would
be an injury to the Scotch, who were by no means defective in
rationality, though generally supposed little subject to the
impressions of humour.

The captain answered, that this supposition must have been
deduced either from their conversation or their compositions,
of which the English could not possibly judge with precision,
as they did not understand the dialect used by the Scots in
common discourse, as well as in their works of humour.
When I desired to know what those works of humour were,
he mentioned a considerable number of pieces, which he in-
sisted were equal in point of humour to anything extant in
any language dead or living. He, in particular, recom-
mended a collection of detached poems, in two small volumes,
entitled, The Evergreen, and the works of Allan Ramsay,
which I intend to provide myself with at Edinburgh. He
observed, that a North Briton is seen to a disadvantage in an
English company, because he speaks in a dialect that they
can^t relish, and in a phraseology which they don't under-
stand. He therefore finds himself under a restraint, which is
a great enemy to wit and humour. These are faculties which
never appear in full lustre, but when the mind is perfectly at

207

THE EXPEDITION OF

ease, and, as an excellent writer says, enjoys her elbow-room.
He proceeded to explain this assertion, that the English
language was spoken with greater propriety at Edinburgh
than at London. He said, what we generally called the Scot-
tish dialect, was, in fact, true, genuine, old English, with a
mixture of some French terms and idioms, adopted in a long
intercourse betwixt the French and Scotch nations; that the
modern English, from affectation and false refinement, had
weakened, and eyen corrupted their language, by throwing
out the guttural sounds, altering the pronunciation and the
quantity, and disusing many words and terms of great signifi-
cance. In consequence of these innoyations, the works of our
best poets, such as Chaucer, Spenser, and eyen Shakespeare,
were become, in many parts, unintelligible to the natives of
South Britain ; whereas the Scots, who retain the ancient lan-
guage, understand them without the help of a glossary. " For
instance," said he, " how have your commentators been puz-
zled by the following expression in the Tempest — He's gentle,
and not fearful; as if it was a paralogism to say, that, being
gentle, he must of course be courageous; but the truth is, one
of the original meanings, if not the sole meaning of that
word was, noble, high-minded ; and to this day, a Scots
woman, in the situation of the young lady in the Tempest,
would express herself nearly in the same terms — Don't pro-
voke him ; for being gentle, that is high-spirited, he won't
tamely bear an insult. Spenser, in the very first stanza of his
Faery Que en e, says —

A gentle knight was pricking on the plain;

which knight, far from being tame and fearful, was so stout,
that

Nothing did he dread, but ever was ydrad.

To prove that we had impaired the energy of our language
by false refinement, he mentioned the following words, which,
though widely different in signification, are pronounced ex-
actly in the same manner — wright, write; right, rite; but,
among the Scotch, these words are as different in pronuncia-
tion as they are in meaning and orthography ; and this is the
case with many others which he mentioned by way of illustra-
tion. He moreover took notice, that we had (for what rea-

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son he could never learn) altered the sound of our vowels
from that which is retained by all the nations in Europe ; an
alteration which rendered the language extremely difficult to
foreigners, and made it almost impracticable to lay down gen-
eral rules for orthography and pronunciation. Besides, the
vowels were no longer simple sounds in the mouth of an Eng-
lishman, who pronounced both i and ti as diphthongs. Finally
he affirmed, that we mumbled our speech with our lips and
teeth, and ran the words together without pause or distinction,
in such a manner, that a foreigner, though he understood
English tolerably well, was often obliged to have recourse to
a Scotchman to explain what a native of England had said in
his own language.

The truth of this remark was confirmed by Mr. Bramble
from his own experience; but he accounted for it on another
principle. He said, the same observation would hold in all
languages ; that a Swiss talking French was more easily un-
derstood than a Parisian by a foreigner who had not made
himself master of the language; because every language had
its peculiar recitative, and it would always require more pains,
attention, and practice, to acquire both the words and the
music, than to learn the words only ; and yet nobody would
deny, that the one was imperfect without the other ; he, there-
fore, apprehended that the Scotchman and the Swiss were
better understood by learners, because they spoke the words
only, without the music, which they could not rehearse. One
would imagine this check might have damped the North Brit-
on; but it served only to agitate his humour for disputation.
He said, if every nation had its own recitative or music, the
Scotch had theirs, and the Scotchman, who had not yet ac-
quired the cadence of the English, would naturally use his
own in speaking their language; therefore, if he was better
understood than the native, his recitative must be more in-
telligible than that of the English ; of consequence the dialect
of the Scotch had an advantage over that of their fellow-sub-
jects, and this was another strong presumption that the mod-
ern English had corrupted their language in the article of
pronunciation.

The lieutenant was, by this time, become so polemical, that
every time he opened his mouth, out flew a paradox, which he

^* 209

THE EXPEDITION OF

maintained with all the enthusiasm of altercation; but all his
paradoxes savoured strongly of a partiality for his own coun-
try. He undertook to prove that poverty was a blessing to
a nation ; that oatmeal was preferable to wheat Hour; and that
the worship of Cloacina, in temples which admitted both
sexes, and every rank of votaries promiscuously, was a filthy
species of idolatry that outraged every idea of delicacy and
decorum. I did not so much wonder at his broaching these
doctrines, as at the arguments, equally whimsical and in-
genious, which he adduced in support of them.

In fine. Lieutenant Lismahago is a curiosity which I have
not yet sufficiently perused ; and, therefore, I shall be sorry
when we lose his company, though, God knows, there is noth-
ing very amiable in his manner or disposition. As he goes
directly to the south-west division of Scotland, and we pro-
ceed in the road to Berwick, we shall part to-morrow at a
place called Feltonbridge ; and, I daresay, this separation will
be very grievous to our aunt Mrs. Tabitha, unless she has re-
ceived some flattering assurance of his meeting her again. If
I fail in my purpose of entertaining you with these unimpor-
tant occurrences, they will at least serve as exercises of pa-
tience, for which you are indebted to Yours always,

Morpeth, July 13. J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Doctor, — I have now reached the northern extrem-
ity of England, and see, close to my chamber window, the
Tweed gliding through the arches of that bridge which con-
nects this suburb to the town of Berwick. Yorkshire you
have seen, and therefore I shall say nothing of that opulent
province. The city of Durham appears like a confused heap
of stones and brick, accumulated so as to cover a mountain,
round which a river winds its brawling course. The streets
are generally narrow, dark, and unpleasant, and many of
them almost impassable in consequence of their declivity. The
cathedral is a huge gloomy pile ; but the clergy are well
lodged. The bishop lives ni a princely manner — the golden
prebends keep plentiful tables — and I am told there is some

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good sociable company in the place; but the country, when
viewed from the top of Gateshead Fell, which extends to
Newcastle, exhibits the highest scene of cultivation that ever
I beheld. As for Newcastle, it lies mostly in a bottom, on the
banks of the Tyne, and makes an appearance still more dis-
agreeable than that of Durham; but it is rendered populous
and rich by industry and commerce ; and the country lying on
both sides the river, above the town, yields a delightful pros-
pect of agriculture and plantation. Morpeth and Alnwick are
neat pretty towns, and this last is famous for the castle which
has belonged so many ages to the noble house of Percy, Earls
of Northumberland. It is, doubtless, a large edifice, contain-
ing a great number of apartments, and stands in a command-
ing situation ; but the strength of it seems to have consisted
not so much in its site, or the manner in which it is fortified,
as in the valour of its defendants.

Our adventures, since we left Scarborough, are scarce
worth reciting; and yet I must make you acquainted with my
sister Tabby's progress in husband-hunting. After her dis-
appointments at Bath and London, she had actually begun to
practise upon a certain adventurer, who was in fact a high-
wayman by profession ; but he had been used to snares much
more dangerous than any she could lay, and escaped accord-
ingly. Then she opened her batteries upon an old, weather-
beaten Scotch lieutenant, called Lismahago, who joined us at
Durham, and is, I think, one of the most singular personages
I ever encountered. His manner is as harsh as his counte-
nance ; but his peculiar turn of thinking, and his pack of
knowledge, made up of the remnants of rarities, rendered his
conversation desirable, in spite of his pedantry and ungracious
address. I have often met with a crab-apple in a hedge,
which I have been tempted to eat for its flavour, even while I
was disgusted by its austerity. The spirit of contradiction is
naturally so strong in Lismahago, that I believe in my con-
science he has rummaged, and read, and studied with inde-
fatigable attention, in order to qualify himself to refute
established maxims, and thus raise trophies for the gratifica-
tion of polemical pride. Such is the asperity of his self-
conceit, that he will not even acquiesce in a transient compli-

211

THE EXPEDITION OF .^

m^nt made to his own individual in particular, or to his
country in general.

When I observed that he must have read a vast number
of books to be able to discourse on such a variety of subjects,
he declared he had read little or nothing, and asked how he
should find books among the woods of America, where he had
spent the greatest part of his life. My nephew remarking,
that the Scotch in general were famous for their learning, he
denied the imputation, and defied him to prove it from their
works. '* The Scotch," said he, '' have a sHght tincture of
letters, with which they make a parade among people who
are more illiterate than themselves; but they may be said to
flpat on the surface of science, and they have made very small
advances in the useful arts." — " At least," cried Tabby, " all
the world allows that the Scotch behaved gloriously in fight-
ing and conquering the savages of America." — '' I can assure
you, madam, you have been misinformed," replied the lieuten-
ant ; " in that continent the Scotch did nothing more than
their duty, nor was there one corps in his Majesty's service
that distinguished itself more than another. Those who af-
fected to extol the Scotch for superior merit, were no friends
to that nation."

Though he himself made free with his countrymen, he
would not suffer any other person to glance a sarcasm at
them with impunity. One of the company chancing to men-
tion Lord B — 's inglorious peace, the lieutenant immediately
took up the cudgels in his lordship's favour, and argued very
strenuously to prove that it was the most honourable and ad-
vantageous peace that England had ever made since the foun-
dation of the monarchy. Nay, between friends, he offered
such reasons on this subject, that I was really confounded, if
not convinced. He would not allow that the Scotch abounded
above their proportion in the army and navy of Great Britain,
or that the English had any reason to say his countrymen had
met with extraordinary encouragement in the service. *'When
a South and North Briton," said he, *' are competitors for a
place or commission, which is in the disposal of an English
minister or an English general, it would be absurd to suppose
that the preference would not be given to the native of Eng-
land, who has so many advantages over his rival. First and

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

foremost, he has in his favour that laudable partiality, whichi,
Mr. Addison says never fails to cleave to the heart of an Eng-
lishman ; secondly, he has more powerful connexions, and a
greater share of parliamentary interest, by which those con-
tests are generally decided ; and, lastly, he has a greater com-
mand of money to smooth the way to his success. For my
own part," said he, '' I know no Scotch officer who has risen
in the army above the rank of a subaltern, without purchasing
every degree of preferment either with money or recruits ; but
I know many gentlemen of that country, who, for want of
money and interest, have grown grey in the rank of lieuten-
ants ; whereas very few instances of this ill-fortune are to be
found among the natives of South Britain. Not that I would
insinuate that my countrymen have the least reason to com-
plain. Preferment in the service, like success in any other
branch of traffic, will naturally favour those who have the
greatest stock of cash and credit, merit and capacity being
supposed equal on all sides."

But the most hardy of all this original's positions were
these : — That commerce would, sooner or later, prove the ruin
of every nation, where it flourishes to any extent — that the
])arliament was the rotten part of the British constitution —
that the liberty of the press was a national evil — and that the
boasted institution of juries, as managed in England, was
productive of shameful perjury and flagrant injustice. He
observed, that traffic was an enemy to all the liberal passions
of the soul, founded on the thirst of lucre, a sordid disposition
to take advantage of the necessities of our fellow-creatures.
He affirmed, the nature of commerce was such, that it could
not be fixed or perpetuated, but, having flowed to a certain
height, would immediately begin to ebb, and so continue till
the channels should be left almost dry ; but there was no in-
stance of the tide's rising a second time to any considerable
influx in the same nation. Meanwhile, the sudden affluence
occasioned by trade, forced open all the sluices of luxury, and
overflowed the land with every species of profligacy and cor-
ruption; a total depravity of manners would ensue, and this
must be attended with bankruptcy and ruin.

He observed of the parliament, that the practice of buying
lx)roughs, and canvassing for votes, was an avowed system of

THE EXPEDITION OF.

rvenality, already established on the ruins of principle, integ-
rity, faith, and good order; in consequence of which, the
elected, and the elector, and, in short, the whole body of the
people, were equally and universally contaminated and cor-
rupted. He affirmed, that of a parliament thus constituted,
the Crown would always have influence enough to secure a
great majority in its dependence, from the great number of
posts, places, and pensions it had to bestow ; that such a par-
liament would, as it had already done, lengthen the term of its
sitting and authority, whenever the prince should think it for
his interest to continue the representatives; for, without
doubt, they had the same right to protract their authority ad
mfiniium, as they had to extend it from three to seven years.
With a parliament, therefore, dependent upon the Crown, de-
voted to the prince, and supported by a standing army, gar-
bled and modelled for the purpose, any king of England may,
and probably some ambitious sovereign will, totally overthrow
all the bulwarks of the constitution; for it is not to be sup-
posed that a prince of a high spirit will tamely submit to be
thwarted in all his measures, abused and insulted by a popu-
lace of unbridled ferocity, when he has it in his power to
crush all opposition under his feet with the concurrence of
the legislature. He said, he should always consider the lib-
erty of the press as a national evil, while it enabled the vilest
reptile to soil the lustre of the most shining merit, and furnish
the most infamous incendiary with the means of disturbing
the peace, and destroying the good order of the community.
He owned, however, that, under due restrictions, it would be
a valuable privilege; but affirmed, that, at present, there was
no law in England sufficient to restrain it within proper
bounds.

With respect to juries, he expressed himself to this effect :
— Juries are generally composed of illiterate plebeians, apt to
be mistaken, easily misled, and open to sinister influence ; for
if either of the parties to be tried can gain over one of the
twelve jurors, he has secured the verdict in his favour; the
juryman thus brought over, will, in despite of all evidence
and conviction, generally hold out till his fellows are fatigued,
and harassed, and starved into concurrence ; in which case the
verdict is unjust, and the jurors are all perjured; — but cases

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

will often occur when the jurors are really divided in opinion,
and each side is convinced in opposition to the other ; but no
verdict will be received unless they are unanimous, and they
are all bound, not only in conscience, but by oath, to judge
and declare according to their conviction. What then v^ill
be the consequence ? They must either starve in company, or
one side must sacrifice their conscience to their convenience,
and join in a verdict which they believe to be false. This
absurdity is avoided in Sweden, where a bare majority is
sufficient; and in Scotland, where two-thirds^ of the jury are
required to concur in the verdict.

You must not imagine that all these deductions were made
on his part, without contradiction on mine. No — the truth
is, I found myself piqued in point of honour, at his pretend-
ing to be so much wiser than his neighbours — I questioned all
his assertions, started innumerable objections, argued and
wrangled with uncommon perseverance, and grew very warm,
and even violent in the debate. Sometimes he was puzzled,
and once or twice, I think, fairly refuted ; but from those falls
he rose again, like Antaeus, with redoubled vigour, till at
length I was tired, exhausted, and really did not know how
to proceed, when luckily he dropped a hint, by which he dis-
covered he had been bred to the law ; a confession which en-
abled me to retire from the dispute with a good grace, as it
could not be supposed that a man like me, who had been bred
to nothing, should be able to cope with a veteran in his own
profession. I believe, however, that I shall for some time
continue to chew the cud of reflection upon many observations
which this original discharged.

Whether our sister Tabby was really struck with his con-
versation, or is resolved to throw at everything she meets in
the shape of a man till she can fasten the matrimonial noose,
certain it is, she has taken desperate strides towards the affec-
tion of Lismahago, who cannot be said to have met her half-
way, though he does not seem altogether insensible to her
civilities. She insinuated more than once, how happy we should
be to have his company through that part of Scotland v/hich
we proposed to visit, till at length he plainly told us, that his

^ A mistake— a majority is sufficient in Scotland.

THE EXPEDITION OF i

road was totally different from that which we intended to ;
take; that, for his part, his company would be of very little '
service to us in our progress, as he was utterly unacquainted
with the country, which he had left in his early youth; con- i
sequently, he could neither direct us in our inquiries, nor in-
troduce us to any family of distinction. He said he was
stimulated by an irresistible impulse to revisit the paternus lar,
or patria domiis, though he expected little satisfaction, inas-
much as he understood that his nephew, the present possessor,
was but ill qualified to support the honour of the family. He
assured us, however, as we designed to return by the west
road, that he would watch our motions, and endeavour to pay
his respects to us at Dumfries. Accordingly he took his leave
of us at a place half-way betwixt Morpeth and Alnwick, and
pranced away in great state, mounted on a tall, meagre, raw-
boned, shambling grey gelding, without e'er a tooth in his
head, the very counterpart of the rider; and, indeed, the ap-
pearance of the two was so picturesque, that I would give
twenty guineas to have them tolerably represented on canvas.

Northumberland is a fine county, extending to the Tweed,
which is a pleasant pastoral stream ; but you will be surprised
when I tell you that the English side of that river is neither
so well cultivated nor so populous as the other. The farms
are thinly scattered, the lands unenclosed, and scarce a gen-
tleman's seat is to be seen in some miles from the Tweed;
whereas the Scots are advanced in crowds to the very brink
of the river, so that you may reckon above thirty good houses
in the compass of a few miles, belonging to proprietors whose
ancestors had fortified castles in the same situations, a circum-
stance that shows what dangerous neighbours the Scotch
must have formerly been to the northern counties of Eng-
land.

Our domestic economy continues on the old footing. My
sister Tabby still adheres to Methodism, and had the benefit
of a sermon at Wesley's meeting in Newcastle ; but I believe
the passion of love has in some measure abated the fervour
of devotion, both in her and her woman Mrs. Jenkins, about
whose good graces there has been a violent contest betwixt
my nephew's valet, Mr. Dutton, and my man, Humphry
Clinker. Jerry has been obliged to interpose his authority to

216

HUMPHRY CLINKER

keep the peace, and to him I have left the discussion of that
important affair, which had Hke to have kindled the flames of
discord in the family of, yours always, Matt. Bramble.
TweedmoiUh, July 15.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon.

Dear Wat, — In my two last you had so much of Lisma-
hago, that I suppose you are glad he is gone off the stage for
the present. I must now descend to domestic occurrences.
Love, it seems, is resolved to assert his dominion over all the
females of our family. After having practised upon poor
Liddy's heart, and played strange vagaries with our aunt Mrs.
Tabitha, he began to run riot in the affections of her woman,
Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, whom I have had occasion to mention
more than once in the course of our memoirs. Nature in-
tended Jenkins for something very different from the charac-
ter of the mistress, yet custom and habit have effected a won-
derful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars. Win,
to be sure, is much younger, and more agreeable in her per-
son; she is likewise tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities
for which her mistress is by no means remarkable, no more
than she is for being of a timorous disposition, and much sub-
ject to fits of the mother, which are the infirmities of Win's
constitution ; but then she seems to have adopted Mrs. Tabby's
manner with her cast clothes. She dresses and endeavours to
look like her mistress, although her own looks are much more
engaging. She enters into her schemes of economy, learns
her phrases, repeats her remarks, imitates her style in scold-
ing the inferior servants, and, finally, subscribes implicitly to
her system of devotion. This, indeed, she found the more
agreeable, as it was in a great measure introduced and con-
firmed by the ministry of Clinker, with whose personal merit
she seems to have been struck ever since he exhibited the pat-
tern of his naked skin at Marlborough.

Nevertheless, though Humphry had this double hank
upon her inclinations, and exerted all his power to maintain
the conquest he had made, he found it impossible to guard it
on the side of vanity, where poor Win was as frail as any
female in the kingdom. In short, my rascal Button pro-

217

THE EXPEDITION OF

fessed himself her admirer, and, by dint of his outlandish
qualifications, threw his rival Clinker out of the saddle of her
heart. Humphry may be compared to an English pudding,
composed of good wholesome flour and suet, and Button to
a syllabub or iced froth, which, though agreeable to the
taste, has nothing solid or substantial. The traitor not only
dazzled her with his second-hand finery, but he fawned, and
flattered, and cringed; he taught her to take rappee, and
presented her with a snuff-box of papier mcche; he supplied
her with a powder for her teeth ; he mended her complexion,
and he dressed her hair in the Paris fashion ; he undertook to
be her French master and her dancing master, as well as
friseur, and thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good
graces.

Clinker perceived the progress he had made, and repined
in secret. He attempted to open her eyes in the way of ex-
hortation, and, finding it produced no effect, had recourse to
prayer. At Newcastle, while he attended Mrs. Tabby to the
Methodist meeting, his rival accompanied Mrs. Jenkins to
the play. He was dressed in a silk coat, made at Paris for
his former master, with a tawdry waistcoat of tarnished bro-
cade ; he wore his hiir in a great bag, with a huge solitaire,
and a long sword dangled from his thigh. The lady was all
of a flutter with faded lutestring, washed gauze, and ribbons
three times refreshed, but she was most remarkable for the
frisure of her head, which rose, like a pyramid, seven inches
above the scalp, and her face was primed and patched from
the chin up to the eyes ; nay, the gallant himself had spared
neither red nor white in improving the nature of his own
complexion. In this attire, they walked together through
the High Street to the theatre, and as they passed for play-
ers, ready dressed for acting, they reached it unmolested ; but
as it was still light when they returned, and by that time the
people had got information of their real character and con-
dition, they hissed and hooted all the way, and Mrs. Jenkins
was all bespattered with dirt, as well as insulted with the
opprobrious name of painted Je::abel, so that her fright and
mortification threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she
came home.

Clinker was so incensed at Button, whom he considered

218

HUMPHRY CLINKER

as the cause of her disgrace, that he upbraided him severely
for having turned the poor young woman's brain. The other
affected to treat him with contempt ; and, mistaking his for-
bearance for want of courage, threatened to horsewhip him
into good manners. Humphry then came to me, humbly
begging I would give him leave to chastise my servant for
his insolence. " He has challenged me to fight him at
sword's point," said he, '' but I might as well challenge him
to make a horseshoe or a ploughiron, for I know no more of
the one than he does of the other. Besides, it does not be-
come servants to use those weapons, or to claim the privi-
lege of gentlemen to kill one another, when they fall out ;
moreover, I would not have his blood upon my conscience
for ten thousand times the profit or satisfaction I should get
by his death; but if your honour won't be angry, I'll engage
to gee 'en a good drubbing, that, mayhap, will do 'en service,
and I'll take care it shall do 'en no harm.'' I said I had no
objection to what he proposed, provided he could manage
matters so as not to be found the aggressor, in case Button
should prosecute him for an assault and battery.

Thus licensed, he retired ; and that same evening easily
provoked his rival to strike the first blow, which Clinker
returned with such interest, that he was obliged to call for
quarter, declaring, at the same time, that he would exact
severe and bloody satisfaction the moment we should pass
the Border, when he could run him through the body without
fear of the consequence. This scene passed in presence of
Lieutenant Lismahago, who encouraged Clinker to hazard a
thrust of cold iron with his antagonist. '' Cold iron," cried
Humphry, " I shall never use against the life of any human
creature ; but I am so far from being afraid of his cold iron,
that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel,
which shall always be at his service." In the meantime the
fair cause of this contest, Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, seemed over-
whelmed with affliction, and Mr. Clinker acted much on the
reserve, though he did not presume to find fault with her
conduct.

The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to
a very unexpected issue. Among our fellow-lodgers at Ber-
wick was a couple from London, bound to Edinburgh, on

2Tg

THE EXPEDITION OF

the voyage of matrimony. The female was the daughter and
heiress of a pawnbroker deceased, who had given her guar-
dians the sHp, and put herself under the tuition of a tall
Hibernian, who had conducted her thus far in quest of a
clergyman to unite them in marriage, without the formali-
ties required by the law of England. I know not how the
lover had behaved on the road, so as to decline in the favour
of his inamorata ; but, in all probability, Button perceived a
coldness on her side, which encouraged him to whisper, it
was a pity she should have cast her affections upon a tailor,
which he affirmed the Irishman to be. This discovery com-
pleted her disgust, of which my man taking the advantage,
began to recommend himself to her good graces; and the
smooth-tongued rascal found no difficulty to insinuate him-
self into the place of her heart from which the other had
been discarded. Their resolution was immediately taken ;
in the morning before day, while poor Teague lay snoring
a-bed, his indefatigable rival ordered a post-chaise, and set
out with the lady for Coldstream, a few miles up the Tweed,
where there was a parson who dealt in this branch of com-
merce, and there they were noosed before the Irishman ever
dreamed of the matter; but when he got up at six o'clock,
and found the bird was flown, he made such a noise as
alarmed the whole house. One of the first persons he en-
countered was the postillion returned from Coldstream,
where he had been witness to the marriage, and, over and
above a handsome gratuity, had received a bride's favour,
which he now wore in his cap. When the forsaken lover
understood they were actually married, and set out for Lon-
don, and that Button had discovered to the lady that he (the
Hibernian) was a tailor, he had like to have run distracted.
He tore the ribbon from the fellow's cap, and beat it about
his ears. He swore he would pursue him to the gates of hell,
and ordered a post-chaise and four to be got ready as soon
as possible ; but recollecting that his finances would not ad-
mit of this way of travelling, he was obliged to countermand
this order.

For my part, I knew nothing at all of what happened, till
the postillion brought me the keys of my trunk and port-
manteau, which he had received from Button, who sent me

220

HUMPHRY CLINKER

his respects, hoping I would excuse him for his abrupt de-
parture, as it was a step upon which his fortune depended.
Before I had time to make my uncle acquainted with this
event, the Irishman burst into my chamber, without any
introduction, exclaiming, " By my soul, your sarvant has
robbed me of five thousand pounds, and I'll have satisfaction,
it I should be hanged to-morrow ! " When I asked him who
he was, "My name," said he, ''is Master Macloughlin, but
it should be Leighlin Oneale, for I am come from Ter-Owen
the Great ; and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ire-
land ; and that rogue, your sarvant, said I was a tailor, which
was as big a lie as if he had called me the Pope. I'm a man
of fortune, and have spent all I had ; and so, being in dis-
tress, Mr. Coshgrave, the fashioner in Suffolk Street, tuck
me out, and made me his own private shecretary ; by the
same token, I was the last he bailed ; for his friends obliged
him to tie himself up, that he would bail no more above ten
pounds; for why, becaase as how he could not refuse any-
body that asked, and therefore in time would have robbed
himself of his whole fortune, and, if he had lived long at that
rate, must have died bankrupt very soon ; and so I made my
addresses to Miss Skinner, a young lady of five thousand
pounds fortune, who agreed to take me for better nor worse ;
and, to be sure, this day would have put me in possession, if
it had not been for that rogue your sarvant, who came like a
tief, and stole away my property, and made her believe I was
a tailor, and that she was going to marry the ninth part of a
man ; but the devil burn my soul, if ever I catch him on the
mountains of Tulloghobegly, if I don't show him that Fm
nine times as good a man as he, or e'er a bug of his country."

When he had rung out his first alarm, I told him I was
sorry he had allowed himself to be so jockied, but it was no
business of mine, and that the fellow who robbed him of his
bride, had likewise robbed me of my servant. " Didn't I tell
you, then," cried he, '' that Rogue was his true Christian
name ; oh ! if I had but one fair trust with him upon the sod,
I'd give him leave to brag all the rest of his life."

My uncle hearing the noise, came in, and being informed
of this adventure, began to comfort Mr. Oneale for the
lady's elopement, observing, that he seemed to have had a

221

THE EXPEDITION OF.

lucky escape ; that It was better she should elope before than
after marriage. The Hibernian was of a very different opin-
ion. He said, if he had been once married, she might have
eloped as soon as she pleased ; he would have taken care that
she would not have carried her fortune along with her.
" Ah ! " said he, " she's a Judas Iscariot, and has betrayed
me with a kiss ; and, like Judas, she carried the bag, and has
not left me money enough to bear my expenses back to Lon-
don ; and so as I am come to this pass, and the rogue that was
the occasion of it has left you without a sarvant, you may
put me in his place ; and, by Jasus, it is the best thing you
can do." I begged to be excused, declaring I could put up
with any inconvenience, rather than treat as footman the
descendant of Ter-Owen the Great. I advised him to return
to his friend Mr. Cosgrave, and take his passage from New-
castle by sea, towards which I made him a small present, and
he retired, seemingly resigned to his evil fortune. I have
taken upon trial a Scotchman, called Archy M'Alpin, an old
soldier, whose last master, a colonel, lately died at Berwick.
The fellow is old and withered, but he has been recom-
mended to me for his fidehty by Mrs. Humphreys, a very
good sort of a woman, who keeps the inn at Tweedmouth,
and is much respected by all the travellers on this road.

Clinker, without doubt, thinks himself happy in the re-
moval of a dangerous rival, and he is too good a Christian
to repine at Button's success. Even Mrs. Jenkins will have
reason to congratulate herself upon this event, when she
coolly reflects upon the matter; for, howsoever she was
forced from her poise for a season, by snares laid for her
vanity, Humphry is certainly the north star to which the
needle of her afifection would have pointed at the long run ;
at present the same vanity is exceedingly mortified, upon
finding herself abandoned by her new admirer, in favour of-
another inamorata. She received the news with a violent
burst of laughter, which soon brought on a fit of crying, and
this gave the finishing blow to the patience of her mistress,
which had held out beyond all expectation. She now opened
all those floodgates of reprehension which had been shut so
long. She not only reproached her with her levity and indis-
cretion, but attacked her on the score of religion, declaring

2.22

HUMPHRY CLINKER

roundly, that she was in a state of apostasy and reprobation ;
and finally threatened to send her a-packing at this extrem-
ity of the kingdom. All the family interceded for poor Win-
ifred, not even excepting her slighted swain, Mr. Clinker,
who, on his knees, implored and obtained her pardon.
• There was, however, another consideration that gave Mrs.
Tabitha some disturbance. At Newcastle, the servants had
been informed by some wag, that there was nothing to eat
in Scotland but oatmeal and sheep-heads; and Lieutenant
Lismahago being consulted, what he said served rather to
confirm than to refute the report. Our aunt being apprised
of the circumstance, very gravely advised her brother to
provide a sumpter-horse, with store of hams, tongues, bread,
biscuit, and other articles for our subsistence in the course
of our peregrination ; and Mr. Bramble as gravely replied,
that he would take the hint into consideration ; but, finding
no such provision was made, she now revived the proposal,
observing that there was a tolerable market in Berwick,
where we might be supplied ; and that my man's horse would
serve as a beast of burden ; the squire, shrugging up his
shoulders, eyed her askance with a look of ineffable con-
tempt, and, after some pause, " Sister," said he, " I can
hardly persuade myself you are serious." She was so little
acquainted with the geography of the island, that she im-
agined we could not go to Scotland but by sea; and, after
we had passed through the town of Berwick, when we told
her we were upon Scottish ground, she could hardly believe
the assertion. If the truth must be told, the South Britons
in general are wofully ignorant in this particular. What be-
tween want of curiosity and traditional sarcasms, the effect
of ancient animosity, the people at the other end of the island
know as little of Scotland as of Japan.

If I had never been in Wales, I should have been more
struck with the manifest difference in appearance betwixt
the peasants and commonalty on the different sides of the
Tweed. The boors of Northumberland are lusty fellows,
fresh-complexioned, cleanly, and well clothed ; but the la-
bourers in Scotland are generally lank, lean, hard-featured,
sallow, soiled, and shabby ; and their little pinched blue caps
have a beggarly effect. The cattle are much in the same

223

THE EXPEDITION OF

style with their drivers, meagre, stunted, and ill-equipped.
When I talked to my tmcle on this subject, he said, '' Though
all the Scottish hinds would not bear to be compared with
those of the rich counties of South Britain, they would stand
very well in competition with the peasants of France, Italy,
and Savoy — not to mention the mountaineers of Wales,
and the red-shanks of Ireland."

We entered Scotland by a frightful muir of sixteen miles,
which promises very little for the interior parts of the king-
dom ; but the prospect mended as we advanced. Passing
through Dunbar, which is a neat little town, situated on the
seaside, we lay at a country inn, where our entertainment far
exceeded our expectation ; but for this we cannot give the
Scotch credit, as the landlord is a native of England. Yes-
terday we dined at Haddington, which has been a place of
some consideration, but is now gone to decay ; and in the
evening arrived at this metropolis, of which I can say but
very little. It is very romantic, from its situation on the
declivity of a hill, having a fortified castle at the top, and a
royal palace at the bottom. The first thing that strikes the
nose of a stranger shall be nameless ; but what first strikes
the eye is the uiiconscionable height of the houses, which
generally rise to five, six, seven, and eight storeys, and, in
some places (as I am assured), to twelve. This manner of
building, attended with numberless inconveniences, must
have been originally owing to want of room. Certain it is,
the town seems to be full of people ; but their looks, their
language, and their customs, are so different from ours, that
I can hardly believe myself in Great Britain.

The inn at which we put up (if it may be so called) was so
filthy and disagreeable in all respects, that my uncle began
to fret, and his gouty symptoms to recur. Recollecting,
however, that he had a letter of recommendation to one Mr.
Mitchelson, a lawyer, he sent it by his servant, with a com-
pliment, importing, that he would wait upon him next day
in person ; but that gentleman visited us immediately, and
insisted upon our going to his own house, until he could pro-
vide lodgings for our accommodation. We gladly accepted
of his invitation, and repaired to his house, where we were
treated with equal elegance and hospitality, to the utter

224

HUMPHRY CLINKER

confusion of our aunt, whose prejudices, though beginning
to give way, were not yet entirely removed. To-day, by the
assistance of our friend, we are settled in convenient lodg-
ings, up four pair of stairs, in the High Street, the fourth
storey being, in this city, reckoned more genteel than the
first. The air is, in all probability, the better ; but it requires
good lungs to breathe it at this distance above the surface of
the earth. While I do remain above it, whether higher or
lower, provided I breathe at all, I shall ever be, dear Phillips,
yours, J. Melford.

Edinburgh, July i8.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Lewis, — That part of Scotland contiguous to Ber-
wick nature seems to have intended as a barrier between two
hostile nations. It is a brown desert, of considerable extent,
that produces nothing but heath and fern ; and what ren-
dered it the more dreary when we passed, there was a thick
fog that hindered us from seeing above twenty yards from
the carriage. My sister began to make wry faces, and use
her smelling bottle, Liddy looked blank, and Mrs. Jenkins
dejected ; but in a few hours these clouds were dissipated ;
the sea appeared upon our right, and on the left the moun-
tains retired a little, leaving an agreeable plain betwixt them
and the beach ; but, what surprised us all, this plain, to the
extent of several miles, was covered with as fine wheat as
ever I saw in the most fertile parts of South Britain. This
plentiful crop is raised in the open field, without any en-
closure, or other manure than the alga marina, or sea-weed,
which abounds on this coast; a circumstance which shows
that the soil and climate are favourable, but that agriculture
in this country is not yet brought to that perfection which
it has attained in England. Enclosures would not only keep
the grounds warm, and the several fields distinct, but would
also protect the crop from the high winds, which are so fre-
quent in this part of the island.

Dunbar is well situated for trade, and has a curious basin,
where ships of small burden may be perfectly secure : but
there is little appearance of business in the place. From

* ^ 225

THE EXPEDITION OF

thence, all the way to Edinburgh, there is a continual suc-
cession of fine seats belonging to noblemen and gentlemen ;
and, as each is surrounded by its own parks and plantation,
they produce a very pleasing effect in a country which lies
otherwise open and exposed. At Dunbar there is a noble
park, with a lodge, belonging to the Duke of Roxburgh,
where Oliver Cromwell had his headquarters, when Leslie,
at the head of a Scotch army, took possession of the moun-
tains in the neighbourhood, and hampered him in such a
manner, that he would have been obliged to embark and get
away by sea, had not the fanaticism of the enemy forfeited
the advantage which they had obtained by their general's
conduct. Their ministers, by exhortation, prayer, assur-
ance, and prophecy, instigated them to go down and slay
the Philistines in Gilgal, and they quitted their ground ac-
cordingly, notwithstanding all that Leslie could do to re-
strain the madness of their enthusiasm. When Oliver saw
them in motion, he exclaimed, " Praised be the Lord, he hath
delivered them into the hands of his servant ! " and ordered
his troops to sing a psalm of thanksgiving, while they ad-
vanced in order to the plain, where the Scotch were routed
with great slaughter.

In the neighbourhood of Haddington there is a gentle-
man's house, in the building of which, and the improvements
about it, he is said to have expended forty thousand pounds ;
but I cannot say I was much pleased with either the archi-
tecture or the situation, though it has in front a pastoral
stream, the banks of which are laid out in a very agreeable
manner. I intended to pay my respects to Lord Elibank,
whom I had the honour to know at London many years ago.
He lives in this part of Lothian, but was gone to the north
on a visit. You have often heard me mention this noble-
man, whom I have long revered for his humanity and uni-
versal intelligence, over and above the entertainment arising
from the originality of his character. At Musselburgh, how-
ever, I had the good fortune to drink tea with my old friend

Mr. Cardonel ; and at his house I met Dr. C , the parson

of the parish, whose humour and conversation inflamed me
with a desire of being better acquainted with his person. I

226

HUMPHRY CLINKER

am not at all surprised that these Scotch make their way in
every quarter of the globe.

This place is but four miles from Edinburgh, towards
which we proceeded along the seashore, upon a firm bottom
of smooth sand, which the tide had left uncovered in its re-
treat. Edinburgh, from this avenue, is not seen to much
advantage ; we had only an imperfect view of the castle and
upper parts of the town, which varied incessantly according
to the inflections of the road, and exhibited the appearance
of detached spires and turrets, belonging to some magnifi-
cent edifice in ruins. The palace of Holyrood House stands
on the left as you enter the Canongate. This is a street con-
tinued from hence to the gate called the Netherbow, which
is now taken away ; so that there is no interruption for a
long mile, from the bottom to the top of the hill, on which
the castle stands in a most imperial situation. Considering
its fine pavement, its width, and the lofty houses on each side,
thisf would be undoubtedly one of the noblest streets in
Europe, if an ugly mass of mean buildings, called the Luck-
enbooths, had not thrust itself, by what accident I know not,
into the middle of the way, like Middle Row in Holborn.

The city stands upon two hills, and the bottom between
them ; and, with all its defects, may very well pass for the
capital of a moderate kingdom. It is full of people ; and con-
tinually resounds with the noise of coaches and other car-
riages, for luxury as well as commerce. As far as I can per-
ceive, here is no want of provisions. The beef and mutton
are as delicate here as in Wales ; the sea affords plenty of
good fish ; the bread is remarkably fine ; and the water is
excellent, though I'm afraid not in sufficient quantity to
answer all the purposes of cleanliness and convenience ; arti-
cles in which, it must be allowed, our fellow-subjects are a
little defective. The water is brought in leaden pipes from
a mountain in the neighbourhood, to a cistern on the Castle
Hill, from whence it is distributed to public conduits in dif-
ferent parts of the city. From these it is carried in barrels,
on the backs of male and female porters, up two, three, four,
five, six, seven, and eight pair of stairs, for the use of par-
ticular families. Every storey is a complete house, occupied
by a separate family; and the stain- being common to them

227 '

THE EXPEDITION OF

all, is generally left in a very filthy condition ; a man must
tread with great circumspection to get safe housed with
unpolluted shoes. Nothing can form a stronger contrast
than the difference betwixt the outside and inside of the
door ; for the good women of this metropolis are remarkably
nice in the ornaments and propriety of their apartments, as
if they were resolved to transfer the imputation from the
individual to the public. You are no stranger to their
method of discharging all their impurities from their win-
dows, at a certain hour of the night, as the custom is in
Spain, Portugal, and some parts of France and Italy ; a prac-
tice to which I can by no means be reconciled ; for, notwith-
standing all the care that is taken by their scavengers to
remove this nuisance every morning by break of day, enough
still remains to ofifend the eyes, as well as the other organs of
those whom use has not hardened against all delicacy of
sensation.

The inhabitants seem insensible to these impressions, and
are apt to imagine the disgust that we avow is little better
than affectation; but they ought to have some compassion
for strangers, who have not been used to this kind of suffer-
ance, and considei whether it may not be worth while to take
some pains to vindicate themselves from the reproach that
on this account they bear among their neighbours. As to the
surprising height of their houses, it is absurd in many re-
spects ; but in one particular light I cannot view it without
horror; that is, the dreadful situation of all the families
above, in case the common staircase should be rendered im-
passable by a fire in the lower storeys. In order to prevent
the shocking consequences that must attend such an acci-
dent, it would be a right measure to open doors of communi-
cation from one house to another on every storey, by which
the people might fly from such a terrible visitation. In all
parts of the world we see the force of habit prevailing over
all the dictates of convenience and sagacity. All the people
of business at Edinburgh, and even the genteel company,
may be seen standing in crowds every day, from one to two
in the afternoon, in the open street, at a place where formerly
stood a market cross, which (by the bye) was a curious piece
of Gothic architecture, still to be seen in Lord Somerville's

• 228

HUMPHRY CLINKER

garden in this neighbourhood : I say, the people stand in the
open street from the force of custom, rather than move a few
yards to an exchange that stands empty on one side, or to
the ParHament Close on the other, which is a noble square,
adorned with a fine equestrian statue of King Charles ii.
The company thus assembled are entertained with a variety
of tunes, played upon a set of bells, fixed in a steeple hard by.
As these bells are well toned, and the musician, who has a
salary from the city for playing upon them with keys, is no
bad performer, the entertainment is really agreeable, and
very striking to the ears of a stranger.

The public inns at Edinburgh are still worse than those of
London ; but, by means of a worthy gentleman, to whom I
was recommended, we have got decent lodgings in the house
of a widow gentlewoman of the name of Lockhart ; and here
I shall stay until I have seen everything that is remarkable
in and about this capital. I now begin to feel the good
eflfects of exercise. I eat like a farmer, sleep from midnight
till eight in the morning, without interruption, and enjoy a
constant tide of spirits, equally distant from inanition and
excess ; but whatever ebbs or flows my constitution may un-
dergo, my heart will still declare that I am, dear Lewis,
Your affectionate friend and servant.

EcUnhurgh, July i8. Matt. Bramble.

To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton Hall.

Dear Mary,- — The squire has been so kind as to rap my
bit of nonsense under the kiver of his own sheet. O Mary
Jones ! Mary Jones ! I have had trials and trembulation. God
help me ! I have been a vixen and a griffin these many days.
Sattin has had power to temp me in the shape of van Ditton
the young squire's wally-de-shamble ; but by God's grease
he did not purvail. I thoft as how there was no arm in going
to a play at Newcastle, with my hair dressed in the Paris
fashion ; and as for the trifle of paint, he said as how my com-
plexion wanted rouch, and so I let him put it on with a little
wSpanish owl ; but a mischievous mob of colliers, and such
promiscous ribble rabble, that could bare no smut but their
own, attacked us in the street, and called me hoar and

229

THE EXPEDITION OF

painted Issabel, and splashed my close, and spoiled me a com-
plete set of blond lace triple ruffles, not a pin the worse for
the ware. They cost me seven good sillings to Lady Gris-
kin's woman at London.

When I axed Mr. Clinker what they meant by calling me
Issabel, he put the byebill into my hand, and I read of van
Issabel, a painted harlot, that vas thrown out of a vindore,
and the dogs came and licked her blood. But I am no har-
lot ; and, with God's blessing, no dog shall have my poor
blood to lick. Marry, Heaven forbid, amen ! As for Ditton,
after all his courting and compliment, he stole away an
Irishman's bride, and took a French leave of me and his mas-
ter ; but I vally not his going a farting ; but I have had
hanger on his account. Mistress scoulded like mad; thof I
have the comfit that all the family took my part, and even
Mr. Clinker pleaded for me on his bended knee ; thof, God he
knows, he had raisins enuff to complain ; but he's a good
sole, abounding with Christian meekness, and one day will
meet with his reward.

And now, dear Mary, we have got to Haddingborough,
among the Scots, who are civil enufif for our money, thof I
don't speak their hngo. But they should not go for to im-
pose upon foreigners ; for the bills on their houses say, they
have different easements to let ; and behold there is nurra
geaks in the whole kingdom, nor anything for pore sarvants,
but a barrel with a pair of tongs thrown across ; and all the
chairs in the family are emptied into this here barrel once a
day ; and at ten o'clock at night the whole cargo is flung out
of a back windore that looks into some street or lane, and
the maid calls Gardy loo to the passengers, which signifies,
Lord have mercy upon yon! and this is done every night in
every house in Haddingborough ; so you may guess, Mary
Jones, what a sweet savour comes from such a number of
profuming pans. But they say it is wholesome, and truly I
believe it is ; for being in the vapours, and thinking of Issabel
and Mr. Clinker, I was going into a fit of astericks, when this
fifT, saving your presence, took me by the nose so powerfully,
that I sneezed three times, and found myself wonderfully re-
freshed ; and this to be sure is the raisin why there are no
fits in Haddingborough,

230

HUMPHRY CLINKER

I was likewise made believe, that there was nothing to be
had but oiU-meal and scep's heads; but if I hadn't been a fool, I
mought have known there could be no heads without kar-
casses. This very blessed day I dined upon a delicate leg of
Velsh mutton and cullyflower ; and as for the oat-meal, I
leave that to the sarvants of the country, which are pore
drudges, many of them without shoes or stockings. Mr.
Clinker tells me here is a great call of the gospel ; but I wish,
I wish some of our family be not fallen off from the rite way.
O, if I was given to tail-baring, I have my own secrets to dis-
cover. There has been a deal of huggling and fliurtation be-
twixt Mrs. and an ould Scots ofBcer called Kismycago. He
looks for all the orld like the scarecrow that our gardener
set up to frite away the sparrows ; and what will come of it
the Lord nows ; but come what will, it shall never be said that

1 mentioned a syllabub of the matter Remember me

kindly to Saul and the kitten. I hope they got the horn-
buck, and will put it to a good yuse, which is the constant
prayer of,

Dear Molly, your loving friend,

Addingborough, July i8. Win. Jenkins.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon,
Dear Phillips, — If I stay much longer at Edinburgh, I
shall be changed into a downright Caledonian. My uncle
observes, that I have already acquired something of the
country accent. The people here are so social and attentive
in their civilities to strangers, that I am insensibly sucked
into the channel of their manners and customs, although
they are in fact much more different from ours than you can
imagine. That difference, however, which struck me very
much at my first arrival, I now hardly perceive, and my ear
is perfectly reconciled to the Scotch accent, which I find
even agreeable in the mouth of a pretty woman. It is a sort
of Doric dialect, which gives an idea of amiable simplicity.
You cannot imagine how we have been caressed and feasted
in the good town of Edinburgh, of which we have become free
denizens and guild-brothers, by the special favour of the
magistracy.

231

THE EXPEDITION OF

I had a whimsical commission from Bath, to a citizen of
this metropoHs. Quin, understanding our intention to visit
Edinburgh, pulled out a guinea, and desired the favour I
would drink it at a tavern, with a particular friend and bottle

companion of his, one Mr. R C , a lawyer of this city.

I charged myself with this commission, and taking the
guinea, " You see," said I, " I have pocketed your bounty."
— " Yes," replied Quin, laughing, " and a headache into the
bargain, if you drink fair." I made use of this introduction

to Mr. C , who received me with open arms, and gave me

the rendezvous, according to the cartel. He had provided a
company of jolly fellows, among whom I found myself ex-
tremely happy ; and did Mr. C and Quin all the justice in

my power ; but, alas ! I was no more than a tyro among a
troop of veterans, who had compassion upon my youth, and
conveyed me home in the morning, by what means I know
not. Quin was mistaken, however, as to the headache ; the
claret was too good to treat me so roughly.

While Mr. Bramble holds conferences with the graver
literati of the place, and our females are entertained at visits
by the Scotch ladies, who are the best and kindest creatures
upon earth, I pass my time among the bucks of Edinburgh ;
who, with a great share of spirit and vivacity, have a certain
shrewdness and self-command that is not often found among
their neighbours in the hey-day of youth and exultation.
Not a hint escapes a Scotchman that can be interpreted into
ofifence by any individual in the company ; and national re-
flections are never heard. In this particular, I m.ust own,
we are both unjust and ungrateful to the Scotch ; for, as far
as I am able to judge, they have a real esteem for the natives
of South Britain ; and never mention our country, but with
expressions of regard. Nevertheless, they are far from being
servile imitators of our modes and fashionable vices. All
their customs and regulations of public and private economy,
of business and diversion, are in their own style. This re-
markably predominates in their looks, their dress, and man-
ner, their music, and even their cookery. Our squire de-
clares, that he knows not another people upon earth so
strongly marked with a national character.

Now we arc upon the article of cookery, I must own, some

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

of their dishes are savoury, and even deHcate ; but I am not
yet Scotchman enough to rehsh their singed sheep's head
and haggis, which were provided, at our request, one day
at Mr. Mitchelson's, where we dined. The first put me in
mind of the history of Congo, in which I had read of negroes'
heads sold pubhcly in the markets ; the last, being a mess of
minced lights, livers, suet, oatmeal, onions, and pepper, en-
closed in a sheep's stomach, had a very sudden effect upon
mine, and the delicate Mrs. Tabby changed colour ; when the
cause of our disgust was instantaneously removed at the nod
of our entertainer. The Scotch in general are attached to
this composition with a sort of national fondness, as well as
to their oat-meal bread ; which is presented at every table,
in thin triangular cakes, baked upon a plate of iron, called a
girdle ; and these many of the natives, even in the higher
ranks of life, prefer to wheaten bread, which they have here
in perfection. You know we used to vex poor Murray of
Balliol College, by asking, if there was really no fruit but
turnips in Scotland. Sure enough, I have seen turnips make
their appearance, not as a dessert, but by way of hors
d'cpuvres, or whets, as radishes are served up betwixt more
substantial dishes in France and Italy ; but it must be ob-
served, that the turnips of this country are as much superior
in sweetness, delicacy, and flavour, to those of England, as a
musk-mellon is to the stock of a common cabbage. They
are small and conical, of a yellowish colour, with a very thin
skin ; and, over and above their agreeable taste, are valuable
for their antiscorbutic quality. As to the fruit now in season,
such as cherries, gooseberries, and currants, there is no want
of them at Edinburgh ; and in the gardens of some gentle-
men, who live in this neighbourhood, there is now a very
favourable appearance of apricots, peaches, nectarines, and
even grapes, nay, I have seen a very fine show of pine-
apples within a few miles of this metropolis. Indeed, we
have no reason to be surprised at these particulars, when we
consider how little difference there is, in fact, betwixt this
climate and that of London.

All the remarkable places in the city and its avenues, for
ten miles around, we have visited much to our satisfaction.
In the castle are some royal apartments, where the sovereign

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THE EXPEDITION OF

occasionally resided ; and here are carefully preserved the
regalia of the kingdom, consisting of a crown, said to be of
great value, a sceptre, and a sword of state, adorned with
jewels. Of these symbols of sovereignty, the people are ex-
ceedingly jealous. A report being spread, during the sitting
of the Union parliament, that they were removed to London,
such a tumult arose, that the Lord Commissioner would have
been torn in pieces, if he had not produced them for the sat-
isfaction of the populace.

The palace of Holyrood House is an elegant piece of archi-
tecture, but sunk in an obscure, and, as I take it, unwhole-
some bottom, where one would imagine it had been placed
on purpose to be concealed. The apartments are lofty, but
unfurnished ; and as for the pictures of the Scottish kings,
from Fergus i. to King William, they are paltry daublings,
mostly by the same hand, painted either from the imagina-
tion, or porters hired to sit for the purpose. All the diver-
sions of London we enjoy at Edinburgh, in a small compass.
Here is a well-conducted concert, in which several gentlemen
perform on different instruments. The Scotch are all musi-
cians. Every man you meet plays on the flute, the violin, or
violoncello ; and there is one nobleman, whose compositions
are universally admired. Our company of actors is very tol-
erable ; and a subscription is now on foot for building a new
theatre. But their assemblies please me above all other pub-
lic exhibitions.

We have been at the hunters' ball, where I was really as-
tonished to see such a number of fine women. The English,
who have never crossed the Tweed, imagine erroneously,
that the Scotch ladies are not remarkable for personal at-
tractions ; but I can declare with a safe conscience, I never
saw so many handsome females together as were assembled
on this occasion. At the Leith races, the best company
comes hither from the remoter provinces ; so that, I suppose,
we had all the beauty of the kingdom concentrated as it were
into one focus ; which was indeed so vehement, that my heart
could hardly resist its power. Between friends, it has sus-
tained some damage from the bright eyes of the charming
Miss R — n, whom I had the honour to dance with at the
ball. The Countess of Melville attracted all eyes, and the

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

admiration of all present. She was accompanied by the
agreeable Miss Grieve, who made many conquests ; nor did
my sister Liddy pass unnoticed in the assembly. She is be-
come a toast at Edinburgh, by the name of the Fair Cam-
brian, and has already been the occasion of much wine-shed
— but the poor girl met with an accident at the ball, which
has given us great disturbance.

A young gentleman, the express image of that rascal Wil-
son, went up to ask her to dance a minuet ; and his sudden
appearance shocked her so much, that she fainted away. I
call Wilson a rascal, because, if he had been really a gentle-
man, with honourable intentions, he would have, ere now,
appeared in his own character. I must own, my blood boils
with indignation when I think of that fellow's presumption ;
and Heaven confound me if I don't — But I won't be so
womanish as to rail — Time will, perhaps, furnish occasion —
Thank God, the cause of Liddy's disorder remains a secret.
The lady-directress of the ball, thinking she was overcome
by the heat of the place, had her conveyed to another room,
where she soon recovered so well, as to return and join in
the country-dances, in which the Scotch lasses acquit them-
selves with such spirit and agility, as put their partners to the
height of their mettle.

I believed our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, had entertained hopes
of being able to do some execution among the cavaliers at
this assembly. She had been several days in consultation with
milliners and mantua-makers, preparing for the occasion, at
which she made her appearance in a full suit of damask, so
thick and heavy, that the sight of it alone, at this season of
the year, was sufficient to draw drops of sweat from any man
of ordinary imagination. She danced one minuet with our
friend Mr. Mitchelson, who favoured her so far, in the spirit
of hospitality and politeness ; and she was called out a second
time by the young laird of Balymawhaple, who, coming in
by accident, could not readily find any other partner; but as
the first was a married man, and the second paid no particu-
lar homage to her charms, which were also overlooked by the
rest of the company, she became dissatisfied and censorious.
At supper, she observed that the Scotch gentlemen made a
very good figure, when they were a little improved by trav-

235

THE EXPEDITION OF

elling ; and, therefore, it was a pity they did not all take the
benefit of going abroad. She said the women were awkward
masculine creatures ; that, in dancing, they lifted their legs
like so many colts ; that they had no idea of graceful motion ;
and put on their clothes in a frightful manner ; but if the truth
must be told, Tabby herself was the most ridiculous figure,
and the worst dressed of the whole assembly. The neglect of
the male sex rendered her malcontent and peevish; she now
found fault with everything at Edinburgh, and teased her
brother to leave the place, when she was suddenly reconciled
to it on a religious consideration. There is a sect of fanatics,
who have separated themselves from the Established Kirk,
under the name of Seceders. They acknowledge no earthly
head of the Church, reject lay patronage, and maintain the
Methodist doctrines of the new birth, the new light, and the
efficacy of grace, the insufficiency of works, and the opera-
tions of the Spirit. Mrs. Tabitha, attended by Humphry
Clinker, was introduced to one of their conventicles, where
they both received much edification ; and she has had the good
fortune to become acquainted with a pious Christian, called
Mr. Moffat, who is very powerful in prayer, and often assists
her in private exercises of devotion.

I never saw such a concourse of genteel company at any
races in England, as appeared on the course of Leith. Hard
by, in the fields called the Links, the citizens of Edinburgh
divert themselves at a game called golf, in which they use a
curious kind of bats tipt with horn, and small elastic balls of
leather, stuffed with feathers, rather less than tennis-balls, but
of a much harder consistence. These they strike with such
force and dexterity from one hole to another, that they will
fly to an incredible distance. Of this diversion the Scotch are
so fond, that, when the weather will permit, you may see a
multitude of all ranks, from the senator of justice to the
lowest tradesman, mingled together in their shirts, and fol-
lowing the balls with the utmost eagerness. Among others,
I was shown one particular set of golfers, the youngest of
whom was turned of fourscore. They were all gentlemen of
independent fortunes, who had amused themselves with this
pastime for the best part of a century, without having ever
felt the least alarm from sickness or disgust; and they never

HUMPHRY CLINKER

went to bed without having each the best part of a gallon of
claret in his belly. Such uninterrupted exercise, co-operating
with the keen air from the sea, must, without all doubt, keep
the appetite always on edge, and steel the constitution against
all the common attacks of distemper.

The Leith races gave occasion to another entertainment of
a very singular nature. There is at Edinburgh a society or
corporation of errand-boys called cadies, who ply in the
streets at night with paper lanterns, and are very serviceable
in carrying messages. These fellows, though shabby in their
appearance, and rudely familiar in their address, are wonder-
fully acute, and so noted for fidelity, that there is no instance
of a cadie's having betrayed his trust. Such is their intelH-
gence, that they know not only every individual of the place,
but also every stranger, by the time he has been four-and-
tv/enty hours in Edinburgh ; and no transaction, even the most
private, can escape their notice. They are particularly famous
for their dexterity in executing one of the functions of Mer-
cury ; though for my own part I never employed them in this
department of business. Had I occasion for any service of
this nature, my own man Archy M'Alpin, is as well qualified
as e'er a cadie in Edinburgh ; and I am much mistaken, if he
has not been heretofore of their fraternity. Be that as it may,
they resolved to give a dinner and a ball at Leith, to which
they formally invited all the young noblemen and gentlemen
that were at the races ; and this invitation was reinforced by
an assurance, that all the celebrated ladies of pleasure would
grace the entertainment with their company. I received a
card on this occasion, and went thither with half a dozen of
my acquaintance.

In a large hall, the cloth was laid on a long range of tables
joined together, and here the company seated themselves to
the number of about fourscore, lords and lairds, and other
gentlemen, courtezans and cadies, mingled together, as the
slaves and their masters were in the time of the Saturnalia in
ancient Rome. The toastmaster, who sat at the upper end,
was one Cadie Eraser, a veteran pimp, distinguished for his
humour and sagacity, well known and much respected in his
profession by all the guests, male and female, that were here
assembled. He had bespoke the dinner and the wine. He

THE EXPEDITION OF

had taken care that all his brethren should appear in decent
apparel and clean linen; and he himself wore a periwig with
three tails, in honour of the festival. I assure you the ban-
quet was both elegant and plentiful, and seasoned with a
thousand sallies, that promoted a general spirit of mirth and
good-humour.

After the dessert, Mr. Eraser proposed the following toasts,
which I don't pretend to explain : — " The best in Christen-
dom."— " Gibb's contract." — " The beggar's benison." —
" King and kirk."—"' Great Britain and Ireland." Then, fill-
ing a bumper, and turning to me, " Mester Malford," said he,
'* may a' unkindness cease betwixt John Bull and his sister
Moggy." — The next person he singled out, was a nobleman
who had been long abroad. '*' Ma lord," cried Eraser, " here
is a bumper to a' those noblemen who have virtue enough to
spend their rents in their ain coontray." He afterwards ad-
dressed himself to a member of parliament in these words :

" Mester I'm sure ye'U ha' nae objection to my drinking,

Disgrace and dool to ilka Scot, that sells his conscience and
his vote." He discharged a third sarcasm at a person very
gaily dressed, who had risen from small beginnings, and made
a considerable fortune at play. Filling his glass, and calling
him by name, " Lang life," said he, " to the wylie loon that
gangs afield with a toom poke at his lunzie, and comes hame
with a sackful o' siller.'' All these toasts being received with
loud bursts of applause, Mr. Eraser called for pint glasses,
and filled his own to the brim. Then standing up, and all his
brethren following his example, '' Ma lords and gentlemen,"
cried he, " here is a cup of thanks for the great and unde-
served honour you have done your poor errand-boys this
day." So saying, he and they drank off their glasses in a
trice, and, quitting their seats, took their station each behind
one of the other guests ; exclaiming, " Noo we're your hon-
ours' cadies again."

The nobleman who had bor[n]e the first brunt of Mr.
Eraser s satire, objected to his abdication. He said, as the
company was assembled by invitation from the cadies, he ex-
pected they were to be entertained at their expense. " By no
means, my lord," cried Eraser, " I wadna be guilty of sic
presumption for the wide warld — I never affronted a gentle-

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

man since I was born ; and sure, at this age, I vvonnot offer
an indignity to sic an honourable convention." — '* Well," said
his lordship, " as you have expended some wit, you have a
right to save your money. You have given me good counsel,
and I take it in good part. As you have voluntarily quitted
your seat, I will take your place with the leave of the good
company, and think myself happy to be hailed, Father of the
Feast." He was forthwith elected into the chair, and com-
plimented in a bumper in his new character.

The claret continued to circulate without interruption, till
the glasses seemed to dance upon the table ; and this, perhaps,
was a hint to the ladies to call for music. At eight in the
evening the ball began in another apartment. At midnight
we went to supper; but it was broad day before I found the
way to my lodgings ; and, no doubt, his lordship had a swinge-
ing bill to discharge.

In short, I have lived so riotously for some weeks, that my
uncle begins to be alarmed on the score of my constitution,
and very seriously observes, that all his own infirmities are
owing to such excesses indulged in his youth. Mrs. Tabitha
says it would be more for the advantage of my soul as
well as body, if, instead of frequenting these scenes of
debauchery, I would accompany Mr. Moffat and her to hear
a sermon of the Reverend Mr. M'Corkendale. Clinker often
exhorts me, with a groan, to take care of my precious health ;
and even Archy M'Alpin, when he happens to be overtaken
(which is oftener the case than I could wish), reads me a
long lecture upon temperance and sobriety ; and is so very
wise and sententious, that if I could provide him with a pro-
fessor's chair, I would willingly give up the benefit of his
admonitions and service together; for I was tutor-sick at
Alma Mater.

I am not, however, so much engrossed by the gaieties of
Edinburgh, but that I find time to make parties in the family
way. We have not only seen all the villas and villages within
ten miles of the capital, but we have also crossed the Frith,
which is an arm of the sea seven miles broad, that divides
Lothian from the shire, or, as the Scotch call it, The kingdom
of Fife. There is a number of large open sea boats that plv
on this passage from Leith to Kinghorn, which is a borough

239

THE EXPEDITION OF.

on the other side. In one of these our whole family em-
barked three days ago, excepting my sister, who, being ex-
ceedingly fearful of the water, was left to the care of Mrs.
Mitchelson. We had an easy and quick passage into Fife,
where we visited a number of poor towns on the seaside, in-
cluding St. Andrews, which is the skeleton of a venerable
city; but we were much better pleased with some noble and
elegant seats and castles, of which there is a great number in
that part of Scotland.

Yesterday we took boat again on our return to Leith, with
a fair wind and agreeable weather ; but we had not advanced
half-way, when the sky was suddenly overcast, and the wind
changing, blew directly in our teeth ; so that we were obliged
to turn, or tack, the rest of the way. In a word, the gale in-
creased to a storm of wind and rain, attended with such a fog,
that we could not see the town of Leith, to which we were
bound, nor even the castle of Edinburgh, notwithstanding its
high situation. It is not to be doubted but that we were all
alarmed on this occasion. And, at the same time, most of the
passengers were seized with a nausea that produced violent
retchings. My aunt desired her brother to order the boatmen
to put back to Kinghorn, and this expedient he actually pro-
posed; but they assured him there was no danger. Mrs.
Tabitha finding them obstinate, began to scold, and insisted
upon my uncle's exerting his authority as a justice of the
peace. Sick and peevish as he was, he could not help laugh-
ing at this wise proposal, telling her, that his commission did
not extend so far, and, if it did, he should let the people take
their own way ; for he thought it would be great presumption
in him to direct them in the exercise of their own profession.
Mrs. Winifred Jenkins made a general clearance, with the
assistance of Mr. Humphry Clinker, who joined her both in
prayer and ejaculation. As he took it for granted that we
should not be long in this world, he offered some spiritual con-
solation to Mrs. Tabitha, who rejected it with great disgust,
bidding him keep his sermons for those who had leisure to
hear such nonsense. My uncle sat, recollected in himself,
without speaking; my man Archy had recourse to a brandy
bottle, with which he made so free, that I imagined he had
sworn to die of drinking anything rather than sea-water ; but

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

the brandy had no more effect upon him in the way of in-
toxication, than if it had been sea-water in good earnest.
As for myself, I was too much engrossed by the sickness at
my stomach, to think of anything else.

Meanwhile, the sea swelled mountains high; the boat
pitched with such violence, as if it had been going to pieces ;
the cordage rattled, the wind roared, the lightning flashed,
the thunder bellowed, and the rain descended in a deluge.
Every time the vessel was put about, we shipped a sea that
drenched us all to the skin. When, by^ dint of turning, we
thought to have cleared the pier-head, we were driven to lee-
ward, and then the boatmen themselves began to fear that the
tide would fail before we should fetch up our lee way; the
next trip, however, brought us into smooth water, and we
were safely landed on the quay about one o'clock in the after-
noon. " To be sure," cried Tabby, when she found herself on
terra Urnia, " we must all have perished, if we had not been
the particular care of Providence." — " Yes,'* replied my uncle,
" but I am much of the honest Highlander's mind ; after he
had made such a passage as this, his friend told him he was
much indebted to Providence." — " Certainly," said Donald ;
" but, by my saul, mon, Fese ne'er trouble Providence again,
so long as the brig of Stirling stands." You must know, the
brig, or bridge of Stirling, stands about twenty miles up the
river Forth, of which this is the outlet. I don't find that our
squire has suffered in his health from this adventure; but
poor Liddy is in a peaking way. Fm afraid this unfortunate
girl is uneasy in her mind ; and this apprehension distracts me,
for she is really an amiable creature.

We shall set out to-morrow or next day for Stirling and
Glasgow; and we propose to penetrate a little way into the
Highlands, before we turn our course to the southward. In
the meantime, commend me to all our friends round Carfax,
and believe me to be ever yours, J. Melford.

Edinr. Aug. 8.

To Dr. Lewis.

I SHOULD be very ungrateful, dear Lewis, if I did not find
myself disposed to think and speak favourably of this people,

16 241

THE EXPEDITION OF

among whom I have met with more kindness, hospitality, and
rational entertainment, in a few weeks, than ever I received
in any other country during the whole course of my life.
Perhaps the gratitude excited by these benefits may interfere
with the impartiality of my remarks ; for a man is as apt to be
prepossessed by particular favours, as to be prejudiced by pri-
vate motives of disgust. If I am partial, there is at least some
merit in my conversion from illiberal prejudices which had
grown up with my constitution.

The first impressions which an Englishman receives in this
country, will not contribute to the removal of his prejudices;
because he refers everything he sees to a comparison with the
same articles in his own country; and this comparison is un-
favourable to Scotland in all its exteriors, such as, the face of
the country in respect to cultivation, the appearance of the
bulk of the people, and the language of conversation in gen-
eral. I am not so far convinced by Mr. Lismahago's argu-
ments, but that I think the Scotch would do well, for their
own sakes, to adopt the English idioms and pronunciation;
those of them especially who are resolved to push their for-
tunes in South Britain. I know, by experience, how easily an
Englishman is influenced by the ear, and how apt he is to
laugh, when he hears his own language spoken with a foreign
or provincial accent. I have known a member of the House
of Commons speak with great energy and precision, without
being able to engage attention, because his observations were
made in the Scotch dialect, which (no offence to Lieutenant
Lismahago) certainly gives a clownish air even to sentiments
of the greatest dignity and decorum. I have declared my
opinion on this head to some of the most sensible men of this
country, observing, at the same time, that if they would em-
ploy a few natives of England to teach the pronunciation of
our vernacular tongue, in twenty years there would be no
difference, in point of dialect, between the youth of Edin-
burgh and of London.

The civil regulations of this kingdom and metropolis are
taken from very different models from those of England, ex-
cept in a few particular establishments, the necessary conse-
quences of the Union. Their college of justice is a bench of
great dignity, filled with judges of character and ability. I

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

have heard some causes tried before this venerable tribunal ;
and was very much pleased with the pleadings of their advo-
cates, who are by no means deficient cither in argument or
elocution. The Scottish legislation is founded, in a great
measure, on the civil law ; consequently, their proceedings
vary from those of the English tribunals ; but, I think, they
have the advantage of us in their method of examining wit-
nesses apart, and in the constitution of their jury ; by which
they certainly avoid the evil which I mentioned in my last
from Lismahago's observation.

The University of Edinburgh is supplied with excellent
professors in all the sciences ; and the medical school, in par-
ticular, is famous all over Europe. The students of this art
have the best opportunity of learning it to perfection, in all
its branches, as there are different courses for the tlicory
of medicine, and the practice of medicine; for anatomy, chem-
istry, botany, and the materia medica, over and above those of
mathematics and experimental philosophy ; and all these are
given by men of distinguished talents. What renders this
part of education still more complete, is the advantage of
attending the Infirmary, which is the best instituted charita-
ble foundation that I ever knew. Now we are talking of
charities, here are several hospitals, exceedingly well en-
dowed, and maintained under adm^irable regulations ; and
these are not only useful, but ornamental to the city".
Among these, I shall only mention the general workhouse,
in which all the poor, not otherwise provided for, are em-
ployed, according to their different abilities, with such judg-
ment and effect, that they nearly maintain themselves by
their labour, and there is not a beggar to be seen within the
precincts of this metropolis. It was Glasgow that set the
example of this establishment, about thirty years ago. Even
the Kirk of Scotland, so long reproached with fanaticism
and canting, abounds at present with ministers celebrated for
their learning, and respectable for their moderation. I have
heard their sermons with equal astonishment and pleasure.
The good people of Edinburgh no longer think dirt and cob-
webs essential to the house of God. Some of their churches
have admitted such ornaments as would have excited sedi-
tion even in England, a little more than a century ago ; and

243

THE EXPEDITION OF

psalmody is here practised and taught by a professor from
the cathedral of Durham. I should not be surprised, in a
few years, to hear it accompanied with an organ.

Edinburgh is a hot-bed of genius. I have had the good
fortune to be made acquainted with many authors of the
first distinction ; such as the two Humes, Robertson, Smith,
Wallace, Blair, Ferguson, Wilkie, etc., and I have found
them all as agreeable in conversation as they are instructive
and entertaining in their writings. These acquaintances I
owe to the friendship of Dr. Carlyle, who wants nothing but
inclination to figure with the rest upon paper. The magis-
tracy of Edinburgh is changed every year by election, and
seems to be very well adapted both for state and authority.
The Lord Provost is equal in dignity to the Lord Mayor of
London; and the four Bailies are equivalent to the rank of
Aldermen. There is a Dean of Guilds who takes cognisance
of mercantile affairs ; a Treasurer, a Town Clerk ; and the
Council is composed of Deacons, one of whom is returned
every year in rotation, as representative of every company of
artificers or handicraftsmen.

Though this city, from the nature of its situation, can
never be made either very convenient or very cleanly, it has
nevertheless an air of magnificence that commands respect.
The castle is an instance of the sublime in site and architec-
ture. Its fortifications are kept in good order and there is
always in it a garrison of regular soldiers, which is reHeved
every year ; but it is incapable of sustaining a siege carried
on according to the modern operations of war. The Castle
Hill, which extends from the outward gate to the upper end
of the High Street, is used as a public walk for citizens, and
commands a prospect, equally extensive and delightful, over
the county of Fife on the other side of the Frith, and all
along the sea-coast, which is covered with a succession of
towns that would seem to indicate a considerable share of
commerce ; but if the truth must be told, these towns have
been falling to decay ever since the Union, by which the
Scotch were in a great measure deprived of their trade with
France. The palace of Holyrood House is a jewel in archi-
tecture, thrust into a hollow, where it cannot be seen ; a sit-
uation which was certainly not chosen by the ingenious ar-

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

chitect, who must have been confined to the site of the old
palace, which was a convent. Edinburgh is considerably
extended on the south side, where there are divers little
elegant squares built in the English manner ; and the citi-
zens have planned some improvements on the north, which,
when put in execution, will add greatly to the beauty and
convenience of this capital.

The seaport is Leith, a flourishing town, about a mile from
the city, in the harbour of which I have seen above one hun-
dred ships lying all together. You must know I had the
curiosity to cross the Frith in a passage-boat, and stayed two
days in Fife, which is remarkably fruitful in corn, and exhib-
its a surprising number of fine seats, elegantly built and mag-
nificently furnished. There is an incredible number of noble
houses in every part of Scotland, that I have seen — Dalkeith,
Pinkie, Yester, and Lord Hopetoun's, all of them within four
or five miles of Edinburgh, are princely palaces, in every one
of which a sovereign might reside at his ease. I suppose the
Scotch afifect these monuments of grandeur. If I may be
allowed to mingle censure with my remarks upon a people
I revere, I must observe, that their weak side seems to be
vanity. I am afraid that even their hospitality is not quite
free of ostentation. I think I have discovered among them
imcommon pains taken to display their fine linen, of which
indeed they have great plenty, their furniture, plate, house-
keeping, and variety of wines, in which article, it must be
owned, they are profuse, if not prodigal. A burgher of Ed-
inburgh, not content to vie with a citizen of London, who
has ten times his fortune, must excel him in the expense as
w^ell as elegance of his entertainments.

Though the villas of the Scotch nobility and gentry
have generally an air of grandeur and state, I think their
gardens and parks are not comparable to those of England ;
a circumstance the more remarkable, as I was told by the
ingenious Mr. Philip Miller of Chelsea, that almost all the
gardeners of South Britain were natives of Scotland. The
verdure of this country is not equal to that of England. The
pleasure-grounds are, in my opinion, not so well laid out ac-
cording to the genius loci; nor are the lawns, and walks, and
hedges kept in such delicate order. The trees are planted in

245

THE EXPEDITION OF

prudish rows, which have not such an agreeable natural ef-
fect, as when they are thrown into irregular groups, with
intervening glades ; and the firs, which they generally raise
around their houses, look dull and funereal in the summer
season. I must confess, indeed, that they yield serviceable
timber, and good shelter against the northern blasts ; that
they grow and thrive in the most barren soil, and continually
perspire a fine balsam of turpentine, which must render the
air very salutary and sanative to lungs of a tender texture.

Tabby and I have been both frightened in our return by
sea from the coast of Fife. She was afraid of drowning, and
I of catching cold, in consequence of being drenched with
sea-water ; but my fears, as well as hers, have been happily
disappointed. She is now in perfect health ; I wish I could
say the same of Liddy. Something uncommon is the mat-
ter with that poor child ; her colour fades, her appetite fails,
and her spirits flag. She is become moping and melancholy,
and is often found in tears. Her brother suspects internal
uneasiness on account of Wilson, and denounces vengeance
against that adventurer. She was, it seems, strongly affected
at the ball by the sudden appearance of one Mr. Gordon,
who strongly resembles the said Wilson ; but I am rather
suspicious that she caught cold by being overheated with
dancing. I have consulted Dr. Gregory, an eminent physi-
cian of an amiable character, who advises the Highland air,
and the use of goat-milk whey, which surely cannot have a
bad effect upon a patient who was born and bred among the
mountains of Wales. The doctor's opinion is the more
agreeable, as we shall find those remedies in the very place
which I proposed as the utmost extent of our expedition — I
mean the borders of Argyle.

Mr. Smollett, one of the judges of the commissary court,
which is now sitting, has very kindly insisted upon our lodg-
ing at his country house, on the banks of Loch Lomond,
about fourteen miles beyond Glasgow. For this last city we
shall set out in two days, and take Stirling in our way, well
provided with recommendations from our friends at Edin-
burgh, whom, I protest, T shall leave with much regret. I
am so far from thinking it any hardship to live in this coun-

246

HUMPHRY CLINKER

try, that, if I was obliged to lead a town life, Edinburgh
would certainly be the headquarters of Yours always,
Edinr. Aug. 8. Matt. Bramble.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Knight, — I am now little short of the Ultinia Thiile,
if this appellation properly belongs to the Orkneys or
Hebrides. These last are now lying before me, to the amount
of some hundreds, scattered up and down the Deucaledonian
sea, affording the most picturesque and romantic prospect I
ever beheld. I write this letter in a gentleman's house, near
the town of Inverary, which may be deemed the capital of the
West Highlands, famous for nothing so much as for the
stately castle begun and actiially covered in by the late Duke
of Argyle, at a prodigious expense. Whether it will ever be
completely finished is a question.

But, to take things in order. We left Edinburgh ten days
ago — and the farther north we proceed, we find Mrs. Tabitha
the less manageable ; so that her inclinations are not of the
nature of the loadstone — they point not towards the pole.
What made her leave Edinburgh with reluctance at last, if
we may believe her own assertions, was a dispute which she
left unfinished Avith Mr. Moffat, touching the eternity of hell
torments. That gentleman, as he advanced in years, began
to be sceptical on this head, till at length he declared open
war against the common acceptation of the word eternal.
He is now persuaded that eternal signifies no more than an
indefinite number of years ; and that the most enormous
sinner may be quit for nine millions nine hundred thousand
nine hundred and ninety-nine years of hell fire; which term or
period, as he very well observes, forms but an inconsiderable
drop, as it were, in the ocean of eternity. For this mitigation
he contends, as a system agreeable to the ideas of goodness
and mercy which we annex to the Supreme Being. Our aunt
seemed willing to adopt this doctrine in favour of the wicked.
But he hinted, that no person whatever was so righteous as
to be exempted entirely from punishment in a future state ;
and that the most pious Christian upon earth might think
himself very happy to get off for a fast of seven or eight

247

THE EXPEDITION OF

thousand years in the midst of fire and brimstone. Mrs.
Tabitha revolted at this dogma, which filled her at once with
horror and indignation. She had recourse to the opinion of
Humphry Clinker, who roundly declared it was the popish
doctrine of purgatory and quoted Scripture in defence of the
fire everlasting prepared for the devil and his angels. The Rev-
erend Mr. M'Corkendale and all the theologists and saints
of that persuasion were consulted, and some of them had
doubts about the matter, which doubts and scruples had be-
gun to infect our aunt when we took our departure from
Edinburgh.

We passed through Linlithgow, where there was an ele-
gant royal palace, which is now gone to decay, as well as the
town itself. This too is pretty much the case with Stirling,
though it still boasts of a fine old castle, in which the kings
of Scotland were wont to reside in their minority. But Glas-
gow is the pride of Scotland, and indeed it might very well
pass for an elegant and flourishing city in any part of Chris-
tendom. There we had the good fortune to be received into
the house of Mr. Moore, an eminent surgeon, to whom we
were recommended by one of our friends at Edinburgh ; and
truly he could not have done us more essential service. Mr.
Moore is a merry, facetious companion, sensible and shrewd,
with a considerable fund of humour ; and his wife an agree-
able woman, well-bred, kind, and obliging. Kindness, which
I take to be the essence of good nature and humanity, is the
distinguishing characteristic of the Scotch ladies in their
own country. Our landlord showed us everything, and in-
troduced us to all the world at Glasgow, where, through his
recommendation, we were complimented with the freedom
of the town. Considering the trade and opulence of this
place, it cannot but abound with gaiety and diversions. Here
is a great number of young fellows that rival the youth of
the capital in spirit and expense ; and I was soon convinced,
that all the female beauties of Scotland were not assembled
at the hunters' ball in Edinburgh. The town of Glasgow
flourishes in learning as well as in commerce. Here is an
university, with professors in all the different branches of
science, liberally endowed and judiciously chosen. It was
vacation time when I passed, so that I could not entirely sat-

248

HUMPHRY CLLNKER

isfy my curiosity ; but their mode of education is certainly
preferable to ours in some respects. The students are not
left to the private instruction of tutors, but taught in public
schools or classes, each science by its particular professor or
regent.

My uncle is in raptures with Glasgow. He not only visited
all the manufactures of the place, but made excursions all
round, to Hamilton, Paisley, Renfrew, and every other place
within a dozen miles, where there was anything remarkable
to be seen in art or nature. I believe the exercise occasioned
by these jaunts was of service to my sister Liddy, whose ap-
petite and spirits begin to revive. Mrs. Tabitha displayed
her attractions as usual, and actually believed she had en-
tangled one Mr. M'Clellan, a rich inkle manufacturer, in her
snares ; but when matters came to an explanation, it ap-
peared that his attachment was altogether spiritual, founded
upon an intercourse of devotion at the meeting of Mr. John
Wesley, who, in the course of his evangelical mission, had
come hither in person. At length we set out for the banks of
Loch Lomond, passing through the little borough of Dum-
barton, or (as my uncle will have it) Dunbritton, where there
is a castle more curious than anything of the kind I had ever
seen. It is honoured with a particular description by the
elegant Buchanan, as an arx inexpiignabilis; and, indeed, it
must have been impregnable by the ancient manner of be-
sieging. It is a rock of considerable extent, rising with a
double top, in an angle formed by the confluence of two
rivers, the Clyde and the Leven, perpendicular and inaccessi-
ble on all sides, except in one place where the entrance is
fortified ; and there is no rising ground in the neighbourhood
from whence it could be damaged by any kind of battery.

From Dumbarton the West Highlands appear in the form
of huge dusky mountains, piled one over another ; but this
prospect is not at all surprising to a native of Glamorgan.
We have fixed our headquarters at Cameron, a very neat
country-house, belonging to Commissary Smollett, where we
found every sort of accommodation we could desire. It is
situated like a Druid's temple, in a grove of oak, close by the
side of Loch Lomond, which is a surprising body of pure
transparent water, unfathomably deep in many places, six

24.9

THE EXPEDITION OF

or seven miles broad, four-and-twenty miles in length, dis-
playing above twenty green islands, covered with wood,
some of them cultivated for corn, and many of them stocked
with red deer. They belong to different gentlemen, whose
seats are scattered along the banks of the lake, which are
agreeably romantic beyond all conception. My uncle and I
have left the women at Cameron, as Mrs. Tabitha would by
no means trust herself again upon the water, and, to come
hither, it was necessary to cross a small inlet of the sea in an
open ferry-boat. This country appears more and more wild
and savage the farther we advance ; and the people are as
dififerent from the Lowland Scotch, in their looks, garb, and
language, as the mountaineers of Brecknock are from the
inhabitants of Herefordshire.

When the Lowlanders want to drink a cheer-upping cup,
they go to the public-house, called the Change House, and
call for a chopin of twopenny, which is a thin yeasty bever-
age, made of malt, not quite so strong as the table-beer of
England. This is brought in a pewter stoup, shaped like a
skittle ; from whence it is emptied into a quaff, that is, a curi-
ous cup made of different pieces of wood, such as box and eb-
ony, cut into little staves, joined alternately, and secured with
delicate hoops, having two ears or handles. It holds about a
gill, is sometimes tipt round the mouth with silver, and has
a plate of the same metal at the bottom, with the landlord's
cypher engraved. The Highlanders, on the contrary, de-
spise this liquor, and regale themselves with whisky, a malt
spirit, as strong as geneva, which they swallow in great quan-
tities, without any signs of inebriation : they are used to it
from the cradle, and find it an excellent preservative against
the winter cold, which must be extreme on these mountains —
I am told that it is given with great success to infants, as a
cordial, in the confluent smallpox, when the eruption seems
to flag, and the symptoriis grow unfavourable. The High-
landers are used to eat much more animal food than falls to
the share of their neighbours in the Low Country. They
delight in hunting — have plenty of deer and other game, with
a great number of sheep, goats, and back cattle, running wild,
which they scruple not to kill as venison, without being at
much pains to ascertain the property.

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Inverary is but a poor town, though it stands immediately
under the protection of the Duke of Argyle, who is a mighty
prince in this part of Scotland. The peasants live in wretched
cabins, and seem very poor ; but the gentlemen are tolerably
well lodged, and so loving to strangers, that a man runs some
risk of his life from their hospitality. It must be observed,
that the poor Highlanders are now seen to disadvantage.
They have been not only disarmed by act of parliament, but
also deprived of their ancient garb, which was both graceful
and convenient ; and, what is a greater hardship still, they are
compelled to wear breeches — a restraint which they cannot
bear with any degree of patience; indeed, the majority wear
them, not in the proper place, but on poles or long staves over
their shoulders ; they are even debarred the use of their
striped stufif, called Tartan, which was their own manufac-
ture, prized by them above all the velvets, brocades, and tis-
sues of Europe and Asia. They now lounge along in loose
greatcoats, of coarse russet, equally mean and cumbersome,
and betray manifest marks of dejection. Certain it is, the
government could not have taken a more effectual method to
break their national spirit.

We have had princely sport in hunting the stag on these
mountains. These are the lonely hills of Morven, where
Fingal and his heroes enjoyed the same pastime. I feel an
enthusiastic pleasure when I survey the brown heath that
Ossian was wont to tread ; and hear the wind whistle through
the bending grass. When I enter our landlord's hall, I look
for the suspended harp of that divine bard, and listen in hopes
of hearing the aerial sound of his respected spirit. The
poems of Ossian are in every mouth. A famous antiquarian
of this country, the Laird of M'Farlane, at whose house we
dined a few days ago, can repeat them all in the original
Gaelic, which has a great affinity to the Welsh, not only in
the general sound, but also in a great number of radical
words; and I make no doubt but that they are both sprung
from the same origin. I was not a little surprised, when
asking a Highlander one day, if he knew where we should
find any game ? he replied, " Hu niel Sassenagh/' which sig-
nifies. No English; the very same answer I should have re-
ceived from a Welshman, and almost in the same words.

251

THE EXPEDITION OF

The Highlanders have no other name for the people of the
Low Country but Sassenagh, or Saxons ; a strong presump-
tion that the Lowland Scotch and the English are derived
from the same stock. The peasants of these hills strongly
resemble those of Wales in their looks, their manners, and
habitations ; everything I see, and hear, and feel, seems Welsh
— the mountains, vales, and streams ; the air and climate ;
the beef, mutton, and game are all Welsh. It must be owned,
however, that this people are better provided than we are in
some articles — they have plenty of red deer and roebuck,
which are fat and delicious at this season of the year. Their
sea teems with amazing quantities of the finest fish in the
world; and they find means to procure very good claret at a
very small expense.

Our landlord is a man of consequence in this part of the
country ; a cadet from the family of Argyle, and hereditary
captain of one of his castles — his name, in plain English, is
Dougal Campbell ; but as there is a great number of the same
appellation, they are distinguished (like the Welsh) by
patronymics ; and as I have known an ancient Briton called
Madoc ap-Morgan, ap-Jenkin, ap- Jones, our Highland chief
designs himself Dou'l Mac-amish, mac-'oul ich-Ian, signify-
ing Dougal, the son of James, the son of Dougal, the son of
John. He has travelled in the course of his education, and
is disposed to make certain alterations in his domestic econ-
omy ; but he finds it impossible to abolish the ancient customs
of the family ; some of which are ludicrous enough. His
piper, for example, who is an hereditary officer of the house-
hold, will not part with the least particle of his privileges.
He has a right to wear the kilt, or ancient Highland dress,
with the purse, pistol, and dirk — a broad yellow ribbon, fixed
to the chanter-pipe, is thrown over his shoulder, and trails
along the ground, while he performs the functions of his
minstrelsy ; and this, I suppose, is analogous to the pennon
or Hdg, which was formerly carried before every knight in
battle. He plays before the laird every Sunday in this way
to the kirk, which he circles three times, performing the
family march, which implies defiance to all the enemies of the
clan ; and every morning he plays a full hour by the clock,
in the great hall, marching backwards and forwards all the

252

HUMPHRY CLINKER

time, with a solemn pace, attended by the laird's kinsmen,
who seem much deHghted with the music. In this exercise
he indulges them with a number of pibrochs or airs, suited
to the different passions which he would either excite or
assuage.

Mr. Campbell himself, who performs very well on the vio-
lin, has an invincible antipathy to the sound of the Highland
bagpipe, which sings in the nose with a most alarming twang,
and, indeed, is quite intolerable to ears of common sensibility,
when aggravated by the echo of a vaulted hall. He, there-
fore, begged the piper would have some mercy upon him,
and dispense with this part of the morning service. A con-
sultation of the clan being held on this occasion, it was unan-
imously agreed, that the laird's request could not be granted,
without a dangerous encroachment upon the customs of the
family. The piper declared he could not give up for a mo-
ment the privilege he derived from his ancestors ; nor would
the laird's relations forego an entertainment which they val-
ued above all others. There was no remedy ; Mr. Campbell
being obliged to acquiesce, is fain to stop his ears with cotton,
to fortify his head with three or four nightcaps, and every
morning retire into the penetralia of his habitation, in order
to avoid this diurnal annoyance.

When the music ceases, he produces himself at an open
window that looks into the courtyard, which is by this tim.e
filled with a crowd of his vassals and dependents, who wor-
ship liis first appearance, by uncovering their heads, and bow-
ing to the earth with the most humble prostration. As all
these people have something to communicate in the way of
proposal, complaint, or petition, they wait patiently till the
laird comes forth, and, following him in his walks, are fa-
voured each with a short audience in his turn. Two days ago,
he despatched above an hundred different solicitors, in walk-
ing with us to the house of a neighbouring gentleman, where
we dined by invitation. Our landlord's housekeeping is
equally rough and hospitable, and savours much of the sim-
plicity of ancient times. The great hall, paved with flat
stones, is about forty-five feet by twenty-two, and serves not
only for a dining-room, but also for a bedchamber to gentle-
men-dependents and hangers-on of the family. At night half

253

THE EXPEDITION OF

a dozen occasional beds are ranged on each side along the
wall. These are made of fresh heath, pulled up by the roots,
and disposed in such a manner as to make a very agreeable
couch, where they lie, without any other covering than the
plaid. My uncle and I were indulged with separate cham-
bers and down beds, which we begged to exchange for a
layer of heath ; and, indeed, I never slept so much to my satis-
faction. It was not only soft and elastic, but the plant, being
in flower, diffused an agreeable fragran'ce, which is wonder-
fully refreshing and restorative.

Yesterday we were invited to the funeral of an old lady,
the grandmother of a gentleman in this neighbourhood, and
found ourselves in the midst of fifty people, who were re-
galed with a sumptuous feast, accompanied with the music
of a dozen pipers. In short, this meeting had all the air of a
grand festival ; and the guests did such honour to the enter-
tainment, that many of them could not stand when they were
reminded of the business on which we had met. The com-
pany forthwith taking horse, rode in a very irregular caval-
cade to the place of interment, a church, at the distance of
two long miles from the castle. On our arrival, however,
we found we had committed a small oversight in leaving
the corpse behind ; so that we were obliged to wheel about
and met the old gentlewoman half-way, carried upon poles
by the nearest relations of her family, and attended by the
coronach, composed of a multitude of old hags, who tore
their hair, beat their breasts, and howled most hid-
eously. At the grave the orator or senachie pro-
nounced the panegyric of the defunct, every period
being confirmed by a yell of the coronach. The
body was committed to the earth, the pipers playing a pibroch
all the time, and all the company standing uncovered. The
ceremony was closed with the discharge of pistols ; then we
returned to the castle, resumed the bottle, and by midnight
there was not a sober person in the family, the females ex-
cepted. The squire and I were, with some difficulty, per-
mitted to retire with the landlord in the evening; but our
entertainer was a little chagrined at our retreat : and after-
wards seemed to think it a disparagement to his family, that

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

not above an hundred gallons of whisky had been drank upon
such a solemn occasion.

This morning we got up by four, to hunt the roebuck, and,
in half an hour, found breakfast ready served in the hall. The
hunters consisted of Sir George Colquhoun and me, as stran-
gers, (my uncle not choosing to be of the party,) of the laird
m person, the laird's brother, the laird's brother's' son, the
laird's sister s son, the laird's father's brother's son, and all
their foster brothers, who are counted parcel of the family.
, But we were attended by an infinite number of Gaellys, or
ragged Highlanders, without shoes or stockings.

The following articles formed our morning's repast : — One
kit of boiled eggs ; a second, full of butter ; a third, full of
cream ; an entire cheese made of goats' milk ; a large earthen
pot, full of honey ; the best part of a ham ; a cold venison pasty,
a bushel of oatmeal, made in thin cakes and bannocks, with a
small wheaten loaf in the middle for the strangers ; a large
stone bottle full of whisky, another of brandy, and a kilderkin
of ale. There was a ladle chained to the cream-kit, with
curious wooden bickers, to be filled from this reservoir. The
spirits were drank out of a silver quaff, and the ale out of
horns : great justice was done to the collation by the guests in
general , one of them, in particular, ate above two dozen of
hard eggs, with a proportionable quantity of bread, butter,
and honey ; nor was one drop of liquor left upon the board.
Finally, a large roll of tobacco was presented by way of des-
sert, and every individual took a comfortable quid, to prevent
the bad effects of the morning air. We had a fine chase over
the mountains, after a roebuck, which we killed, and I got
home time enough to drink tea with Mrs. Campbell and our
squire. To-morrow we shall set out on our return for Cam-
eron. We propose to cross the Frith of Clyde, and take the
towns of Greenock and Port-Glasgow in our way. This cir-
cuit being finished, we shall turn our faces to the south, and
follow the sun with augmented velocity, in order to enjoy the
rest of the autumn in England, where Boreas is not quite so
biting, as he begins already to be on the tops of these north-
ern hills. But our progress from place to place shall continue
to be specified in these detached journals of yours always,

Argyleshire, Sept. 3. J. Melford.

255

THE EXPEDITION OF

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Dick^ — About a fortnight is now elapsed since we
left the capital of Scotland, directing our course towards
Stirling, where we lay. The castle of this place is such an-
other as that of Edinburgh, and affords a surprising pros-
pect of the windings of the river Forth, which are so extraor-
dinary, that the distance from hence to Alloa, by land, is
but four miles, and by water it is twenty-four. Alloa is a
neat thriving town, that depends, in a great measure, on the
commerce of Glasgow, the merchants of which send hither
tobacco, and other articles, to be deposited in warehouses for
exportation from the Frith of Forth. In our way hither we
visited a flourishing ironwork, where, instead of burning
wood, they use coal, which they have the art of clearing in
such a manner as frees it from the sulphur, that would other-
wise render the metal too brittle for working. Excellent
coal is found in almost every part of Scotland.

The soil of this district produces scarce any other grain
but oats and barley ; perhaps, because it is poorly cultivated,
and almost altogether unenclosed. The few enclosures they
have consist of paltry walls of loose stones gathered from the
fields, which indeed they cover, as if they had been scattered
on purpose. When I expressed my surprise that the peasants
did not disencumber their grounds of these stones, a gentle-
man, well acquainted with the theory as well as practice of
farming, assured me that the stones, far from being prejudi-
cial, were serviceable to the crop. This philosopher had or-
dered a field of his own to be cleared, manured, and sown
with barley, and the produce was more scanty than before.
He caused the stones to be replaced, and next year the crop
was as good as ever. The stones were removed a second
time, and the harvest failed; they were again brought back,
and the ground retrieved its fertility. The same experiment
has been tried in different parts of Scotland with the same
success. Astonished at this information, I desired to know
in what manner he accounted for this strange phenomenon ;
and he said, there were three ways in which the stones might
be serviceable. They might possibly restrain an excess in the
perspiration of the earth, analogous to colliquative sweats, by

256

HUMPHRY CLINKER

which the human body is sometimes wasted and consumed.
They might act as so many fences to protect the tender blade
from the piercing winds of the spring; or, by multiplying
the reflection of the sun, they might increase the warmth,
so as to mitigate the natural chillness of the soil and climate.
But surely this excessive perspiration might be more effect-
ually checked by different kinds of manure, such as ashes,
lime, chalk, or marl, of which last it seems there are many
pits in this kingdom. As for the warmth, it would be much
more equally obtained by enclosures ; one half of the ground
which is now covered would be retrieved ; the cultivation
would require less labour; and the ploughs, harrows, and
horses would not suffer half the damage which they now
sustain.

These north-western parts are by no means fertile in corn.
The ground is naturally barren and moorish. The peasants
are poorly lodged, meagre in their looks, mean in their ap-
parel, and remarkably dirty. This last reproach they might
easily wash off, by means of those lakes, rivers, and rivulets
of pure water, with which they are so liberally supplied by
nature. Agriculture cannot be expected to flourish where
the farms are small, the leases short, and the husbandman be-
gins upon a rack-rent, without a sufficient stock to answer
the purposes of improvement. The granaries of Scotland
are the banks of the Tweed, the counties of East and Mid
Lothian, the Carse of Cowrie, in Perthshire, equal in fertility
to any part of England, and some tracts in Aberdeenshire and
Moray, where I am told the harvest is more early than in
Northumberland, although they lie above two degrees farther
north. I have a strong curiosity to visit many places beyond
the Forth and the Tay, such as Perth, Dundee, Montrose,
and Aberdeen, which are towns equally elegant and thriving;
but the season is too far advanced to admit of this addition
to my original plan.

I am so far happy as to have seen Glasgow, which, to the
best of my recollection and judgment, is one of the prettiest
towns in Europe ; and, without all doubt, it is one of the most
flourishing in Creat Britain. In short, it is a perfect bee-
hive in point of industry. It stands partly on a gentle de-
clivity ; but the greatest part of it is in a plain, watered by the

17 257

THE EXPEDITION OF

river Clyde. The streets are straight, open, airy, and well
paved; and the houses lofty and well built of hewn stone.
At the upper end of the town, there is a venerable cathedral,
that may be compared with York Minster or Westminster;
and about the middle of the descent from this to the cross is
the College, a respectable pile of building, with all manner of
accommodation for the professors and students, including an
elegant library, and an observatory well provided with astro-
nomical instruments. The number of inhabitants is said to
amount to thirty thousand; and marks of opulence and inde-
pendency appear in every quarter of this commercial city,
which, however, is not without its inconveniences and de-
fects. The water of their public pumps is generally hard and
brackish, an imperfection the less excusable, as the river Clyde
runs by their doors, in the lower part of the town ; and there
are rivulets and springs above the cathedral, sufficient to fill
a large reservoir with excellent water, which might be thence
distributed to all the different parts of the city. It is of more
consequence to consult the health of the inhabitants in this
article than to employ so much attention in beautifying their
town with new streets, squares, and churches. Another de-
fect, not so easily remedied, is the shallowness of the river,
which will not float vessels of any burden within ten or
twelve miles of the city ; so that the merchants are obliged to
load and unload their ships at Greenock and Port-Glasgow,
situated about fourteen miles nearer the mouth of the Frith,
where it is about two miles broad.

The people of Glasgow have a noble spirit of enterprise.
Mr. Moore, a surgeon, to whom I was recommended from
Edinburgh, introduced me to all the principal merchants of
the place. Here I became acquainted with Mr. Cochran, who
may be styled one of the sages of this kingdom. He was
first magistrate at the time of the last rebellion. I sat as
member when he was examined in the House of Commons;

upon which occasion Mr. P observed he had never heard

such a sensible evidence given at that bar. I was also intro-
duced to Dr. John Gordon, a patriot of a truly Roman spirit,
who is the father of the linen manufacture in this place, and
was the great promoter of the city workhouse, infirmary, and
other works of public utility. Had he lived in ancient Rome,

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he would have been honoured with a statue at the public ex-
pense. I moreover conversed with one Mr. G — ss — d, whom
I take to be one of the greatest merchants in Europe. In the
last war, he is said to have had at one time five-and-twenty
ships, with their cargoes, his own property, and to have
traded for above half a million sterling a year. The last war
was a fortunate period for the commerce of Glasgow. The
merchants, considering that their ships bound for America,
launching out at once into the Atlantic by the north of Ire-
land, pursued a track very little frequented by privateers, re-
solved to ensure one another, and saved a very considerable
sum by this resolution, as few or none of their ships were
taken.

You must know I have a sort of national attachment to this
part of Scotland. The great church dedicated to St. Mon-
gah, the river Clyde, and, among other particulars, that smack
of our Welsh language and customs, contribute to flatter me
with the notion, that these people are the descendants of the
Britons, who once possessed this country. Without all ques-
tion, this was a Cumbrian kingdom. Its capital was Dum-
barton (a corruption of Dunbritton), which still exists as a
royal borough, at the influx of the Clyde and Leven, ten
miles below Glasgow. The same neighbourhood gave birth
to St. Patrick, the apostle of Ireland, at a place where there
is still a church and village, which retain his name. Hard
by are some vestiges of the famous Roman wall, built in the
reign of Antonine, from the Clyde to the Forth, and fortified
with castles to restrain the incursions of the Scotch or Cale-
donians, who inhabited the West Highlands. In a line par-
allel to this wall, the merchants of Glasgow have determined
to make a navigable canal betwixt the two friths, which will
be of incredible advantage to their commerce, in transporting
merchandise from one side of the island to the other.

From Glasgow we travelled along the Clyde, which is a
delightful stream, adorned on both sides with villas, towns,
and villages. Here is no want of groves and meadows, and
cornfields interspersed; but on this side of Glasgow there is
little other grain than oats and barley ; the first are much bet-
ter, the last much worse, than those of the same species in
England. I wonder there is so little rye, which is a grain that

259

THE EXPEDITION OF

will thrive in almost any soil ; and it is still more surprising,
that the cultivation of potatoes should be so much neglected in
the Highlands, where the poor people have not meal enough to
supply them with bread through the winter. On the other
side of the river are the towns of Paisley and Renfrew. The
first, from an inconsiderable village, is become one of the
most flourishing places of the kingdom, enriched by the linen,
cambric, flowered lawn, and silk manufactures. It was for-
merly noted for a rich monastery of the monks of Clugny, who
wrote the famous Scoti-Chronicon, called The Black Book of
Paisley. The old abbey still remains, converted into a dwell-
ing-house, belonging to the Earl of Dundonald. Renfrew is
a pretty town, on the banks of Clyde, capital of the shire,
which was heretofore the patrimony of the Stuart family,
and gave the title of baron to the king's eldest son, which is
still assumed by the Prince of Wales.

The Clyde we left a little on our left hand at Dunbritton,
where it widens into an estuary or frith, being augmented by
the influx of the Leven. On this spot stands the castle for-
merly called Alcluyd, washed by these two rivers on all sides,
except a narrow isthmus, which at every spring-tide is over-
flowed. The whole is a great curiosity, from the quality and
form of the rock, as well as from the nature of its situation.
We now crossed the water of Leven, which, though nothing
near so considerable as the Clyde, is much more transparent,
pastoral, and delightful. This charming stream is the outlet
of Loch Lomond, and through a tract of four miles pursues
its winding course, murmuring over a bed of pebbles, till it
joins the frith at Dunbritton. A very little above its source,
on the lake, stands the house of Cameron, belonging to Mr.
Smollett, so embosomed in an oak wood, that we did not see
it till we were within fifty yards of the door.

I have seen the Lago di Gardi, Albano, De Vico, Bolsena,
and Geneva, and, upon my honour, I prefer Loch Lomond to
them all, a preference which is certainly owing to the verdant
islands that seem to float upon its surface, affording the most
enchanting objects of repose to the excursive view. Nor are
the banks destitute of beauties, which even partake of the
sublime. On this side they display a sweet variety of wood-
land, cornfield, and pasture, with several agreeable villas

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emerging as it were out of the lake, till, at some distance,
the prospect terminates in huge mountains, covered with
heath, which, being in the bloom, affords a very rich cover-
ing of purple. Everything here is romantic beyond imagi-
nation. This country is justly styled the Arcadia of Scotland;
and I don't doubt but it may vie with Arcadia in everything
but climate. I am sure it excels it in verdure, wood, and
water. What say you to a natural bason of pure water, near
thirty miles long, and in some places seven miles broad, and
in many above an hundred fathoms deep, having four-and-
twenty habitable islands, some of them stocked with deer,
and all of them covered with wood ; containing immense
quantities of delicious fish, salmon, pike, trout, perch, floun-
ders, eels, and powans, the last a delicate kind of fresh-water
herring peculiar to this lake; and, finally, communicating
with the sea, by sending off the Leven, through which all
those species (except the powan) make their exit and en-
trance occasionally !

Enclosed I send you the copy of a little ode to this river,
by Dr. Smollett, who was born on the banks of it, within two
miles of the place where I am now writing. It is at least
picturesque and accurately descriptive, if it has no other
merit. There is an idea of truth, in an agreeable landscape
taken from nature, which pleases me more than the gayest
fiction which the most luxuriant fancy can display.

I have other remarks to make; but as my paper is full, I
must reserve them till the next occasion. I shall only ob-
serve at present, that I am determined to penetrate at least
forty miles into the Highlands, which now appear like a vast
fantastic vision in the clouds, inviting the approach of, yours
always, Matt. Bramble.

Cameron, Aug. 28.

ODE TO LEVEN WATER

On Leven's banks, while free to rove,
And tune the rural pipe to love,
I envied not the happiest swain
That ever trode th' Arcadian plain.

Pure stream! in whose transparent wave
My youthful limbs I wont to lave;

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THE EXPEDITION OF

No torrents stain thy limpid source;

No rocks impede thy dimpling course,

That sweetly warbles o'er its bed,

With white, round, polishM pebbles spread;

iWhile, lightly pois'd, the scaly brood

In myriads cleave thy crystal flood;

The springing trout in speckled pride;

The salmon, monarch of the tide;

The ruthless pike, intent on war;

The silver eel, and mottled par/

Devolving from thy parent lake,

A charming maze thy waters make,

By bow'rs of birch, and groves of pine,

And hedges flower'd with eglantine.

Still on thy bank, so gaily green,

May num'rous herds and flocks be seen,

And lasses chanting o'er the pail.

And shepherds piping in the dale,

And ancient faith that knows no guile.

And industry embrown'd with toil.

And hearts resolv'd, and hands prepar'd.

The blessing they enjoy to guard.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Doctor, — If I was disposed to be critical, I should
say this house of Cameron is too near the lake, which ap-
proaches on one side to within six or seven yards of the win-
dow. It might have been placed in a higher site, which
would have afforded a more extensive prospect and a drier at-
mosphere ; but this imperfection is not chargeable on the pres-
ent proprietor, who purchased it ready built, rather than be at
the trouble of repairing his own family house at Bonhill,
which stands two miles from hence on the Leven, so sur-
rounded with plantation, that it used to be known by the
name of the Mavis (or thrush) Nest. Above that house is a
romantic glen or cleft of a mountain, covered with hanging
woods, having at bottom a stream of fine water that forms a
number of cascades in its descent to join the Leven; so that
the scene is quite enchanting. A captain of a man-of-war,
who had made the circuit of the globe with Mr. Anson, be-

* The par is a small fish, not unlike the smelt, which it rivals in delicacy and
flavour.

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ing conducted to this glen, exclaimed, " Juan Fernandez, by
G— d ! "

Indeed, this country would be a perfect paradise, if it was
not, like Wales, cursed with a weeping climate, owing to the
same causes in both, the neighbourhood of high mountains,
and a westerly situation, exposed to the vapours of the At-
lantic Ocean. This air, however, notwithstanding its humid-
ity, is so healthy, that the natives are scarce ever visited
by any other disease than the smallpox, and certain
cutaneous evils, which are the effects of dirty living, the great
and general reproach of the commonalty of this kingdom.
Here are a great many living monuments of longevity, and,
among the rest, a person whom I treat with singular respect,
as a venerable Druid, who has lived near ninety years, with-
out pain or sickness, among oaks of his own planting. He
was once proprietor of these lands; but, being of a projecting
spirit, some of his schemes miscarried, and he was obliged to
part with his possession, which hath shifted hands two or
three times since that period ; but every succeeding proprietor
hath done everything in his power to make his old age easy
and comfortable. He has a sufficiency to procure the neces-
saries of life; and he and his old woman reside in a small
convenient farmhouse, having a little garden which he culti-
vates with his own hands. This ancient couple live in great
health, peace, and harmony, and, knowing no wants, enjoy
the perfection of content. Mr. Smollett calls him the ad-
miral, because he insists upon steering his pleasure-boat upon
the lake; and he spends most of his time in ranging through
the woods, which he declares he enjoys as much as if they
were still his own property. I asked him the other day, if he
was never sick ? and he answered. Yes ; he had a slight fever
the year before the Union. If he was not deaf, I should take
much pleasure in his conversation; for he is very intelligent,
and his memory is surprisingly retentive. These are the
happy effects of temperance, exercise, and good-nature.

Notwithstanding all his innocence, however, he was the
cause of great perturbation to my man Clinker, whose natu-
ral superstition has been much injured by the histories of
witches, fairies, ghosts, and goblins, which he has heard in
this country. On the evening after our arrival, Humphry

263

THE EXPEDITION OF

strolled into the wood in the course of his meditation, and
all at once the admiral stood before him, under the shadow
of a spreading oak. Though the fellow is far from being
timorous in cases that are not supposed preternatural, he
could not stand the sight of this apparition, but ran into the
kitchen, with his hair standing on end, staring wildly, and de-
prived of utterance. Mrs. Jenkins, seeing him in this condi-
tion, screamed aloud, ** Lord have mercy upon us, he has
seen something ! " Mrs. Tabitha was alarmed, and the
whole house in confusion. When he was recruited with a
dram, I desired him to explain the meaning of all this agita-
tion; and, with some reluctance, he owned he had seen a
spirit, in the shape of an old man with a white beard, a black
cap, and a plaid night-gown. He was undeceived by the ad-
miral in person, who coming in at this juncture, appeared to
be a creature of real flesh and blood.

Do you know how we fare in this Scottish paradise? We
make free with our landlord's mutton, which is excellent, his
poultry-yard, his garden, his dairy, and his cellar, which are
all well stored. We have delicious salmon, pike, trout, perch,
par, etc. at the door, for the taking. The Frith of Clyde, on
the other side of the hill, supplies us with mullet, red and
grey, cod, mackerel, whiting and a variety of sea fish, in-
cluding the finest herrings I ever tasted. We have sweet
juicy beef, and tolerable veal, with delicate bread, from the
little town of Dunbritton ; and plenty of partridge, grouse,
heathcock, and other game in presents.

We have been visited by all the gentlemen in the neigh-
bourhood, and they have entertained us at their houses, not
barely with hospitality, but with such marks of cordial affec-
tion, as one would wish to find among near relations, after an
absence of many years.

I told you, in my last, I had projected an excursion to the
Highlands, which project I have now happily executed imder
the auspices of Sir George Colquhoun, a colonel in the Dutch
service, who offered himself as our conductor on this occa-
sion. Leaving our women at Cameron, to the care and in-
spection of Lady H C , we set out on horseback for

Inverary, the county town of Argyle, and dined on the road
with the Laird of Macfarlane, the greatest genealogist I ever

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knew in any country, and perfectly acquainted with all the
antiquities of Scotland.

The Duke of Argyle has an old castle at Inverary, where
he resides when he is in Scotland ; and hard by is the shell of
a noble Gothic palace, built by the last duke, which, when
finished, will be a great ornament to this part of the High-
lands. As for Inverary, it is a place of very little impor-
tance.

This country is amazingly wild, especially towards the
mountains, which are heaped upon the backs of one another,
making a most stupendous appearance of savage nature, with
hardly an}^ signs of cultivation, or even of population. All
is sublimity, silence, and solitude. The people live together
in glens or bottoms, where they are sheltered from the cold
and storms of winter. But there is a margin of plain ground
spread along the seaside, which is well inhabited and im-
proved by the arts of husbandry ; and this I take to be one of
the most agreeable tracts of the whole island ; the sea not only
keeps it warm, and supplies it with fish, but affords one of the
most ravishing prospects in the whole world ; I mean the ap-
pearance of the Hebrides, or Western Islands, to the number
of three hundred, scattered as far as the eye can reach, in the
most agreeable confusion. As the soil and climate of the
Highlands are but ill-adapted to the cultivation of corn, the
people apply themselves chiefly to the breeding and feeding
of black cattle, which turn to good account. Those animals
run wild all the winter, without any shelter or subsistence,
but what they can find among the heath. When the snow lies
so deep and hard, that they cannot penetrate to the roots of
the grass, they make a diurnal progress, guided by a sure in-
stinct, to the seaside at low water, where they feed on the
alga marina, and other plants that grow on the beach.

Perhaps this branch of husbandry, which requires very
little attendance and labour, is one of the principal causes of
that idl^ess and want of industry which distinguishes these
mountaineers in their own country. When they come forth
into the world, they become as diligent and alert as any people
upon earth. They are undoubtedly a very distinct species
from their fellow-subjects of the Lowlands, against whom
they indulge an ancient spirit of animosity; and this differ-

265

THE EXPEDITION OF

ence is very discernible even among persons of family and
education. The Lowlanders are generally cool and circum-
spect, the Highlanders fiery and ferocious ; but this violence
of their passions serves only to inflame the zeal of their devo-
tion to strangers, which is truly enthusiastic.

We proceeded about twenty miles beyond Inverary, to the
house of a gentleman, a friend of our conductor, where we
stayed a few days, and were feasted in such a manner, that I
beg?n to dread the consequence to my constitution.

Notwithstanding the solitude that prevails among these
mountains, there is no want of people in the Highlands. I
am credibly informed, that the Duke of Argyle can assemble
five thousand men in arms, of his own clan and surname,
which is Campbell : and there is besides a tribe of the same
appellation, whose chief is the Earl of Breadalbane. The
M'Donalds are as numerous, and remarkably warlike. The
Camerons, M'Leods, Erasers, Grants, M'Kenzies, M'Kays,
MThersons, MTntoshes, are powerful clans ; so that, if all the
Highlanders, including the inhabitants of the Isles, were
united, they could bring into the field an army of forty
thousand fighting men, capable of undertaking the most dan-
gerous enterprise. We have lived to see four thousand of
them, without discipline, throw the whole kingdom of Great
Britain into confusion. They attacked and defeated two
armies of regular troops accustomed to service. They pene-
trated into the centre of England ; and afterwards marched
back with deliberation, in the face of two other armies,
through an enemy's country, where every precaution was
taken to cut off their retreat. I know not any other people
in Europe, who, without the use or knowledge of arms, will
attack regular forces sword in hand, if their chief will head
them in battle.

When disciplined, they cannot fail of being excellent sol-
diers. They do not walk like the generality of mankind, but
trot and bounce like deer, as if they moved upon springs.
They greatly excel the Lowlanders in all the exercises that
require agility ; they are incredibly abstemious, and patient of
hunger and fatigue ; so steeled against the weather, that, in
travelling, even when the ground is covered with snow, they
never look for a house, or any other shelter but their plaid,

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

in which they wrap themselves up, and go to sleep under the
cope of heaven. Such people, in quality of soldiers, must be
invincible, when the business is to perform quick marches in
a difficult country, to strike sudden strokes, beat up the ene-
my's quarters, harass their cavalry, and perform expeditions
without the formality of magazines, baggage, forage, and
artillery. The chieftainship of the Highlanders is a very
dangerous influence, operating at the extremity of the island,
where the eyes and hands of government cannot be supposed
to see and act with precision and vigour. In order to break
the force of clanship, administration has always practised the
political maxim, Divide et impera. The legislature hath not
only disarmed these mountaineers, but also deprived them of
their ancient garb, which contributed in a great measure to
keep up their military spirit ; and their slavish tenures are all
dissolved by act of parliament ; so that they are at present as
free and independent of their chiefs as the law can make
them : but the original attachment still remains, and is
founded on something prior to the feudal system, about which
the writers of this age have made such a pother, as if it was
a new discovery, like the Copernican system. Every pecul-
iarity of policy, custom, and even temperament, is affectedly
traced to this origin, as if the feudal constitution had not
been common to almost all the natives of Europe. For my
part, I expect to see the use of trunk-hose and buttered ale
ascribed to the influence of the feudal system.

The connexion between the clans and their chiefs is with-
out all doubt patriarchal. It is founded on hereditary re-
gard and affection, cherished through a long succession of
ages. The clan consider the chief as their father, they bear
his name, they believe themselves descended from his family,
and they obey him as their lord, with all the ardour of filial
love and veneration ; while he, on his part, exerts a paternal
authority, commanding, chastising, rewarding, protecting,
and maintaining them as his own children. If the legislature
would entirely destroy this connexion, it must compel the
Highlanders to change their habitation and their names.
Even this experiment has been formerly tried without suc-
cess. In the reign of James vi. a battle was fought within
a few short miles of this place, between two clans, the

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THE EXPEDITION OF

M'Gregors and the Colquhouns, in which the latter were de-
feated. The Laird of McGregor made such a barbarous use
of his victory, that he was forfeited and outlawed by act of
parliament. His lands were given to the family of Mont-
rose, and his clan were obliged to change their name. They
obeyed so far, as to call them.selves severally Campbell, Gra-
ham, or Drummond, the surnames of the families of Argyle.
Montrose, and Perth, that they might enjoy the protection
of those houses; but they still added M'Gregor to their new
appellation; and as their chief was deprived of his estate,
they robbed and plundered for his subsistence.

Mr. Cameron of Lochiel, the chief of that clan, whose
father was attainted for having been concerned in the last
rebellion, returning from France, in obedience to a procla-
mation and act of parliament passed at the beginning of the
late war, paid a visit to his own country, and hired a farm
in the neighbourhood of his father's house, which had been
burnt to the ground. The clan, though ruined and scattered,
no sooner heard of his arrival, than they flocked to him from
all quarters, to welcome his return, and in a few days stocked
his farm with seven hundred black cattle, which they had
saved in the general wreck of their affairs. But their beloved
chief, who was a promising youth, did not live to enjoy the
fruits of their fidelity and attachment.

The most effectual method I know to weaken, and at length
destroy this influence, is to employ the commonalty in such
a manner as to give them a taste of property and independ-
ence. In vain the government grants them advantageous
leases on the forfeited estates if they have no property to
prosecute the means of improvement. The sea is an inex-
haustible fund of riches, but the fishery cannot be carried on
without vessels, casks, salt, lines, nets, and other tackle. I
conversed with a sensible man of this country, who, from a
real spirit of patriotism, had set up a fishery on the coast, and
a manufactory of coarse linen, for the employment of the
poor Highlanders. Cod is here in such plenty that he told
me he had seen seven hundred taken on one line at one haul.
It must be observed, however, that the line was of immense
length, and had two thousand hooks, baited with mussels ;
but the fish was so superior to the cod caught on the banks of

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

Newfoundland, that his correspondent at Lisbon sold them
immediately at his own price, although Lent was just over
when they arrived, and the people might be supposed quite
cloyed with this kind of diet. His linen manufacture was
likewise in a prosperous way, when the late war intervening,
all his best hands were pressed into the service.

It cannot be expected that the gentlemen of this country
should execute commercial schemes to render their vassals
independent, nor indeed are such schemes suited to their way
of life and inclination, but a company of merchants might,
with proper management, turn to good account a fishery es-
tablished in this part of Scotland. Our people have a strange
itch to colonise America, when the uncultivated parts of our
own island might be settled to greater advantage.

After having rambled through the mountains and glens of
Argyle, we visited the adjacent islands of Isla, Jura, Mull,
and Icolmkill. In the first, we saw the remains of a castle,
built in a lake, where M'Donald, Lord or King of the Isles,
formerly resided. Jura is famous for having given birth to
one M'Crain, who lived one hundred and eighty years in one
house, and died in the reign of Charles the Second. Mull
afifords several bays, where there is safe anchorage, in
one of which, the Florida, a ship of the Spanish Armada,
was blown up by one of Mr. Smollett's ancestors. About
forty years ago, John, Duke of Argyle, is said to have con-
sulted the Spanish registers, by Vv^hich it appeared that this
ship had the military chest on board. He employed expe-
rienced divers to examine the wreck, and they found the hull
of the vessel still entire, but so covered with sand, that they
could not make their way between decks. However, they
picked up several pieces of plate that were scattered about in
the bay, and a couple of fine brass cannon.

Icolmkill, or lona, is a small island which St. Columba
chose for his habitation ; it was respected for its sanctity, and
college or seminary of ecclesiastics. Part of its church is
still standing, with the tombs of several Scottish, Irish, and
Danish sovereigns, who were here interred. These islanders
are very bold and dexterous watermen, consequently, the
better adapted to the fishery. In their manners they are less
savage and impetuous than their countrymen on the conti-

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THE EXPEDITION OF

nent, and they speak the Erse or GaeHc in its greatest purity.

Having sent round our horses by land, we embarked in the
district of Cowal for Greenock, which is a neat little town,
on the other side of the Frith, with a curious harbour, formed
by three stone jetties, carried out a good way into the sea.
New Port-Glasgov/ is such another place, about two miles
higher up. Both have a face of business and plenty, and are
supported entirely by the shipping of Glasgow, of which I
counted sixty large vessels in these harbours. Taking boat
again at Newport, we were in less than an hour landed on the
other side, within two short miles of our headquarters, where
we found our women in good health and spirits. They had
been, two days before, joined by Mr, Smollett and his lady, to
whom we have such obligations as I cannot mention even to
you, without blushing.

To-morrow we shall bid adieu to the Scots Arcadia, and
begin our progress to the southward, taking our way by
Lanark and Nithsdale, to the west borders of England. I
have received so much advantage and satisfaction from this
tour, that, if my health suffers no revolution in the winter, I
believe I shall be tempted to undertake another expedition to
the northern extremity of Caithness, unencumbered by those
impediments which now clog the heels of yours,

Cameron, Sept. 6. Matt. Bramble.

To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester.

My dearest Letty, — Never did poor prisoner long for de-
liverance more than I have longed for an opportunity to dis-
burden my cares into your friendly bosom ; and the occasion
which now presents itself is little less than miraculous. Hon-
est Saunders M'Awley, the travelling Scotchman, who goes
every year to Wales, is now at Glasgow, buying goods, and.
coming to pay his respects to our family, has undertaken to
deliver this letter into your own hand. We have been six
weeks in Scotland, and seen the principal towns of the king-
dom, where we have been treated with great civility. The
people are very courteous, and the country being exceedingly
romantic, suits my turn and inclinations. I contracted some
friendships at Edinburgh, which is a large and lofty city, full

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

of gay company; and, in particular, commenced an intimate
correspondence with one Miss R — t — n, an amiable young
lady of my own age, whose charms seemed to soften, and
even to subdue, the stubborn heart of my brother Jerry; but
he no sooner left the place, than he relapsed into his former
insensibility. I feel, however, that this indifference is not the
family constitution. I never admitted but one idea of love,
and that has taken such root in my heart, as to be equally
proof against all the pulls of discretion and the frosts of
neglect.

Dear Letty ! I had an alarming adventure at the hunters'
ball in Edinburgh. While I sat discoursing with a friend in
a corner, all at once the very image of Wilson stood before
me, dressed exactly as he was in the character of Aimwell !
It was one Mr. Gordon, whom I had not seen before. Shocked
at the sudden apparition, I fainted away, and threw the whole
assembly into confusion. However, the cause of my dis-
order remained a secret to everybody but my brother, w^ho
was likewise struck with the resemblance, and scolded after
we came home. I am very sensible of Jerry's affection, and
know he spoke as well with a view to my own interest and
happiness, as in regard to the honour of the family ; but I
cannot bear to have my wounds probed severely. I was not
so much affected by the censure he passed upon my own in-
discretion, as with the reflection he made on the conduct of
Wilson. He observed, that if he was really the gentleman he
pretended to be, and harboured nothing but honourable de-
signs, he would have vindicated his pretensions in the face of
day. This remark made a deep impression upon my mind;
I endeavoured to conceal my thoughts, and this endeavour
had a bad effect upon my health and spirits, so it was thought
necessary that I should go to the Highlands, and drink goat-
milk whey.

We went accordingly to Loch Lomond, one of the most en-
chanting spots in the whole world ; and what with this rem-
edy, which I had every morning fresh from the mountains,
and the pure air and cheerful company, I have recovered my
flesh and appetite, though there is something still at bottom
which is not in the power of air, exercise, company, or medi-
cine to remove. These incidents would not touch me so

271

THE EXPEDITION OF

nearly if I had a sensible confidant to sympathise with my
affliction, and comfort me with wholesome advice. I have
nothing of this kind, except Win Jenkins, who is really a good
body in the main, but very ill-qualified for such an office.
The poor creature is weak in her nerves, as well as in her
understanding, otherwise I might have known the true name
and character of that unfortunate youth. But why do I call
him unfortunate? perhaps the epithet is more applicable to

me, foi- having listened to the false professions of But

hold, I have as yet no right, and sure I have no inclination,
to believe anything to the prejudice of his honour. In that
reflection I shall still exert my patience. As for Mrs. Jen-
kins, she herself is really an object of compassion ; between
vanity, Methodism, and love, her head is almost turned. I
should have more regard for her, however, if she had been
more constant in the object of her affection ; but, truly, she
aimed at conquest, and flirted at the same time with my un-
cle's footman, Humphry Clinker, who is really a deserving
young man, and one Button, my brother's valet-de-chambre,
a debauched fellow, who, leaving Win in the lurch, ran away
with another man's bride at Berwick.

My dear Willis, I am truly ashamed of my own sex. We
complain of advantages which the men take of our youth,
inexperience, sensibility, and all that ; but I have seen enough
to believe, that our sex in general make it their business to
ensnare the other ; and for this purpose employ arts which are
by no means to be justified. In point of constancy, they cer-
tainly have nothing to reproach the male part of the creation.
My poor aiint, without any regard to her years and imper-
fections, has gone to market with her charms in every place
where she thought she had the least chance to dispose of her
person, which, however, hangs still heavy on her hands. I am
afraid she has used even religion as a decoy, though it has not
answered her expectation. She has been praying, preaching,
and catechising, among the Methodists, with whom this coun-
try abounds ; and pretends to have such manifestations and
revelations, as even Clinker himself can hardly believe,
though the poor fellow is half crazy with enthusiasm. As
for Jenkins, she affects to take all her mistress's reveries for
gospel. She has also her heart-heavings and motions of the

2^2

HUMPHRY CLINKER

Spirit; and, God forgive me if I think uncharitably, but all
this seems to me to be downright hypocrisy and deceit. Per-
haps, indeed, the poor girl imposes on herself. She is gen-
erally in a flutter, and is much subject to vapours. Since we
came to Scotland, she has seen apparitions, and pretends to
prophesy. If I could put faith in all these supernatural visit-
ations, I should think myself abandoned of grace ; for I have
neither seen, heard, nor felt anything of this nature, although
I endeavour to discharge the duties of religion with all the
sincerity, zeal, and devotion that is in the power of.
Dear Letty, your ever affectionate,

Glasgow, Sept. 7. Lydia Melford.

We are so far on our return to Brambleton Hall, and I
would fain hope we shall take Gloucester in our way ; in
which case I shall have the inexpressible pleasure of embrac-
ing my dear Willis. Pray remember me to my worthy gov-
erness.

To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton Hall.

Dear Mary, — Sunders MacuUy, the Scotchman, who
pushes directly for Vails, has promised to give it you into
your own hand, and therefore I would not miss the oppor-
tunity to let you now as I am still in the land of the living;
and yet I have been on the brink of the other world since I
sent you my last letter. We went by sea to another king-
dom, called Fife, and, coming back, had like to have gone to
pot in a storm. What between the frite and sickness, I
thought I should have brought my heart up; even Mr.
Clinker was not his own man for eight-and-forty hours after
we got ashore. It was well for some folks that we 'scaped
drownding; for mistress was very frexious, and seemed but
indifferently prepared for a change ; but, thank God, she was
soon put in a better frame by the private exaltations of the
Reverend Mr. Macrocodile. We afterwards churned to
Starling and Glascow, which are a kipple of handsome towns ;
and then we went to a gentleman's house at Loff Loming,
which is a wonderful sea of fresh water, v/ith a power of
hylands in the midst on't. They say, as hov/ it has got ne'er
a bottom, and was made by a musician — and, truly, I believe

18 27s

THE EXPEDITION OF

it; for it is not in the coarse of nature. It has got waves
ivithout wind, Ush without fins, and a -floating hyland; and
one of them is a crutch-yard, where the dead are buried ; and
always before the person dies, a bell rings of itself to give
warning.

O Mary ! this is the land of congyration. The bell knoUed
when we were there. I saw lights, and heard lamentations.
The gentleman, our landlord, has got another house, which
he wa? fain to quit, on account of a mischievous ghost, that
would not suffer people to lie in their beds. The fairies
dwell in a hole of Kairmann, a mounting hard by; and they
steal away the good women that are in the straw, if so be as
how there an't a horshoe nailed to the door. And I was
shown an old vitch, called Elspath Ringavey, with a red pet-
ticoat, bleared eyes, and a mould of grey bristles on her sin.
That she mought do me no harm, I crossed her hand with a
taster, and bid her tell my fortune; and she told me such
things — descriving Mr. Clinker to a hair — but it shall ne'er
be said that I minchioned a word of the matter. As I was
troubled with fits, she advised me to bathe in the loff, which
was holy water ; and so I went in the morning to a private
place, along with the housemaid, and we bathed in our
birth-day soot, after the fashion of the country ; and behold,
whilst we dabbled in the loff. Sir George Coon started up
with a gun ; but we clapt our hands to our faces, and passed
by him to the place where we had left our smocks. A civil
gentleman would -have turned his head another way. My
comfit is, he knew not which was which ; and, as the saying is,
all cats in the dark are grey.

While we staid at Loff Loming, he and our two squires
went three or four days churning among the wild men of the
mountings ; a parcel of selvidges that lie in caves among the
rocks, devour young children, and speak Velch, but the vords
are different. Our ladies would not part with Mr. Clinker,
because he is so stout, and so pyehouse, that he fears neither
man nor devils, if so be as they don't take him by surprise.
Indeed, he was once so flurried by an operition, that he had
like to have founded. He made believe as if it had been the
ould edmiral ; but the ould edmiral could not have made his
air to stand on end, and his teeth to shatter ; but he said so in

2/4

HUMPHRY CLINKER

prudence, that the ladies mought not be affeard. Mis Liddy
has been puny, and Hke to go into a decHne. I doubt her
pore art is too tinder — but the got's fey has sat her on her
legs again. You nows got's fey is mother's milk to a Velch
voman. As for mistress, blessed be God, she ails nothing.
Her stomach is good, and she improves in grease and godli-
ness ; but, for all that, she may have infections like other
people ; and, I believe, she v^ouldn't be sorry to be called your
Ladyship, whenever Sir George thinks proper to ax the ques-
tion. But, for my part, whatever I may see or hear, not a
pratical shall ever pass the lips of,

Dear Molly, your loving friend,
Grasco, Sept. y. Win. Jenkins.

Remember me as usual to Saul. We are now coming
home, though not the nearest road. I do suppose I shall find
the kitten a fine boar at my return.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon.

Dear Knight, — Once more I tread upon English ground,
which I like not the worse for the six weeks' ramble I have
made among the woods and mountains of Caledonia ; no
offence to the land of cakes, where bannocks grow upon
straw, I never saw my uncle in such health and spirits as
he now enjoys. Liddy is perfectly recovered; and Mrs.
Tabitha has no reason to complain. Nevertheless, I believe,
she was, till yesterday, inclined to give the whole Scotch na-
tion to the devil, as a pack of insensible brutes, upon whom
her accomplishments had been displayed in vain. At every
place where we halted did she mount the stage, and flourished
her rusty arms, without being able to make one conquest.
One of her last essays was against the heart of Sir George
Colquhoun, with whom she fought all the weapons more than
twice over. She was grave and gay by turns — she moralised
and methodised — she laughed, and romped, and danced, and
sung, and sighed, and ogled, and lisped, and fluttered, and
flattered — but all was preaching to the desert. The baronet,
being a well-bred man, carried his civilities as far as she
could in conscience expect, and, if evil tongues are to be be-

275

THE EXPEDITION OF

lieved, some degrees farther ; but he was too much a veteran
in gallantry, as well as in war, to fall into any ambuscade that
she could lay for his affection. While we were absent in the
Highlands, she practised also upon the Laird of Ladrishmore,
and even gave him the rendezvous in the wood of Druni-
scailloch ; but the Laird had such a reverend care of his own
reputation, that he came attended with the parson of the
parish, and nothing passed but spiritual communications.
After all these miscarriages, our aunt suddenly recollected
Lieutenant Lismahago, whom, ever since our first arrival at
Edinburgh, she seemed to have utterly forgot; but now she
expressed her hopes of seeing him at Dumfries, according to
his promise.

We set out from Glasgow by the way of Lanark, the coun-
ty town of Clydesdale, in the neighbourhood of which the
whole river Clyde, rushing down a steep rock, forms a very
noble and stupendous cascade. Next day we were obliged
to halt in a small borough, until the carriage, which had re-
ceived some damage, should be repaired ; and here we met
with an incident which warmly interested the benevolent
spirit of Mr. Bramble. As we stood at the window of an inn
that fronted the public prison, a person arrived on horseback,
genteelly though plainly dressed, in a blue frock, with his
own hair cut short, and a gold-laced hat upon his head.
Alighting, and giving his horse to the landlord, he advanced
to an old man who was at work in paving the street, and
accosted him in these words : " This is hard work for such an
old man as you." So saying, he took the instrument out of
his hand, and began to thump the pavement. After a few
strokes, " Have you never a son," said he, '' to ease you of
this labour?" — "Yes, an' please your honour," repHed the
senior, " I have three hopeful lads, but, at present, they are
out of the way." — " Honour not me," cried the stranger ; " it
more becomes me to honour your grey hairs. Where are
those sons you talk of ? " The ancient pavior said, his eldest
son was a captain in the East Indies, and the youngest had
lately enlisted as a soldier, in hopes of prospering like his
brother. The gentleman desiring to know what was become
of the second, he wiped his eyes, and owned he had taken

276

HUMPHRY CLINKER

upon him his old father's debts, for which he was now in the
prison hard by.

The traveller made three quick steps towards the jail, then
turning short, '' Tell me/' said he, " has that unnatural cap-
tain sent you nothing to relieve your distresses?" — ''Call
him not unnatural," replied the other, '' God's blessing be
upon him ! he sent me a great deal of money, but I made a
bad use of it ; I lost it by being security for a gentleman that
was my landlord, and was stripped of all I had in the world
besides." At that instant a young man, thrusting out his

ead and neck between two iron bars in the prison-window,
exclaimed, *' Father ! father ! if my brother William is in life,
that's he." — " I am ! I am ! " cried the stranger, clasping the
old man in his arms, and shedding a flood of tears, " I am

our son Willy, sure enough ! " Before the father, who was
iquite confounded, could make any return to this tenderness,
a decent old woman, bolting out from the door of a poor
habitation, cried, '' Where is my bairn ? where is my dear
Willy ? " The captain no sooner beheld her, than he quitted
his father, and ran into her embrace.

I can assure you, my uncle, who saw and heard everything

hat passed, was as much moved as any one of the parties

oncerned in this pathetic recognition. He sobbed, and wept,

nd clapped his hands, and hallooed, and finally ran down
Into the street. By this time the captain had retired with his

arents, and all the inhabitants of the place w^ere assembled at
the door. Mr. Bramble, nevertheless, pressed through the

rowd, and entering the house, '' Captain," said he, " I beg
[the favour of your acquaintance. I would have travelled a
hundred miles to see this affecting scene, and I shall think
myself happy if you and your parents will dine with me at
the public-house." The captain thanked him for his kind in-
vitation, which, he said, he would accept with pleasure; but,
in the meantime, he could not think of eating or drinking,
while his poor brother was in trouble. He forthwith de-
posited a sum, equal to the debt, in the hands of the magis-
trate, who ventured to set his brother at liberty, without far-
ther process; and then the whole family repaired to the inn
with my uncle; attended by the crowd, the individuals of
which shook their townsman by the hand, while he returned

277

THE EXPEDITION OF

their caresses without the least sign of pride or affectation.

This honest favourite of fortune, whose name was Brown,
told my uncle, that he had been bred a weaver, and about
eighteen years ago had, from a spirit of idleness and dissipa-
tion, enlisted as a soldier in the service of the East India
Company ; that in the course of duty he had the good fortune
to attract the notice and approbation of Lord Clive, who pre-
ferred him from one step to another, till he had attained the
rank of captain and paymaster to the regiment, in which
capacities he had honestly amassed about twelve thousand
pounds, and at the peace resigned his commission. He had
sent several remittances to his father, who received the first
only, consisting of one hundred pounds ; the second had fallen
into the hands of a bankrupt; and the third had been con-
signed to a gentleman of Scotland, who died before it arrived,
so that it still remained to be accounted for by his executors.
He now presented the old man with fifty pounds for his
present occasions, over and above bank-notes for one hun-
dred, which he had deposited for his brother's release. He
brought along with him a deed ready executed, by which he
settled a perpetuity of fourscore pounds upon his parents, to
be inherited by the other two sons after their decease. He
promised to purchase a commission for his youngest brother ;
to take the other as his own partner in a manufacture which
he intends to set up, to give employment and bread to the in-
dustrious, and to give five hundred pounds by way of dower
to his sister, who had married a farmer in low circumstances.
Finally, he gave fifty pounds to the poor of the town where he
was born, and feasted all the inhabitants without exception.

My uncle was so charmed with the character of Captain
Brown, that he drank his health three times successively at
dinner. He said, he was proud of his acquaintance; that he
was an honour to his country, and had in some measure re-
deemed human nature from the reproach of pride, selfishness,
and ingratitude ; for my part, I was as much pleased with the
modesty as with the filial virtue of this honest soldier, who
assumed no merit from his success, and said very h'ttle of his
own transactions, thoi^gh the answers he made to our inquiries
were equally sensible and laconic. Mrs. Tabitha behaved very
graciously to him, until she understood that he was going to

278

HUMPHRY CLINKER

make a tender of his hand to a person of low estate, who had
been his sweetheart while he worked as a journeyman weaver.
Our aunt was no sooner made acquainted with this design,
than she starched up her behaviour with a double portion of
reserve ; and, when the company broke up, she observed, with
a toss of her nose, that Brown was a civil fellow enough, con-
sidering the lowness of his origin; but that Fortune, though
she had mended his circumstances, was incapable to raise his
ideas, which were still humble and plebeian.

On the day that succeeded this adventure, we went some
miles out of our road to see Drumlanrig, a seat belonging to
the Duke of Oueensberry, which appears like a magnificent
palace erected by magic, in the midst of a wilderness; it is
indeed a princely mansion, with suitable parks and plantations,
rendered still more striking by the nakedness of the surround-
ing country, which is one of the wildest tracts in all Scotland.
This wilderness, however, is different from that of the High-
lands; for here the mountains, instead of heath, are covered
with a fine green sward, affording pasture to innumerable
flocks of sheep. But the fleeces of this country, called Niths-
dale, are not comparable to the wool of Galloway, which is
said to equal that of Salisbury Plain. Having passed the
night at the castle of Drumlanrig, by invitation from the Duke
himself, who is one of the best men that ever breathed, we
prosecuted our journey to Dumfries, a very elegant trading
town near the borders of England, where we f©und plenty of
good provision and excellent wine, at very reasonable prices,
and the accommodation as good in all respects as in any part
of South Britain. If I was confined to Scotland for life, I
would choose Dumfries as the place of my residence. Here
we made inquiries about Captain Lismahago, of whom hear-
ing no tidings, we proceeded by the Solway Frith to Carlisle.
You must know, that the Solway sands, upon which travellers
pass at low water, are exceedingly dangerous, because, as the
tide makes, they become quick in different places, and the
flood rushes in so impetuously, that passengers are often over-
taken by the sea, and perish.

In crossing these treacherous syrtes with a guide, we per-
ceived a drowned horse, which Humphry Clinker, after due
inspection, declared to be the very identical beast which Mr.

279

THE EXPEDITION OF

Lismaliago rode when he parted with us at Felton Bridge in
Northumberland. This information, which seemed to inti-
mate that our friend the Heutenant had shared the fate of his
horse, affected us all, and above all our aunt Tabitha, who
shed salt tears, and obliged Clinker to pull a few hairs out of
the dead horse's tail, to be worn in a ring as a remembrance
of his master. But her grief and ours was not of long dura-
tion ; for one of the first persons we saw in Carlisle was the
lieutenant in propria persona, bargaining with a horse-dealer
for another steed, in the yard of the inn where we alighted.
Mrs. Bramble was the first that perceived him, and screamed
as if she had seen a ghost; and, truly, at a proper time and
place, he might very well have passed for an inhabitant of
another world; for he was more meagre and grim than be-
fore. We received him the more cordially for having sup-
posed he had been drowned ; and he was not deficient in ex-
pressions of satisfaction at this meeting. He told us he had
inquired for us at Dumfries, and been informed by a travelling
merchant from Glasgow, that we had resolved to return by
the way of Coldstream. He said, that, in passing the sands,
without a guide, his horse had knocked up ; and he himself
must have perished, if he had not been providentially relieved
by a return post-chaise. He moreover gave us to understand,
that his scheme of settling in his own country having mis-
carried, he was so far in his way to London, with a view to
embark for North America, where he intended to pass the
rest of his days among his old friends the Miamis, and amuse
himself in finishing the education of the son he had by his
beloved Squinkinacoosta.

This project was by no means agreeable to our good aunt,
who expatiated upon the fatigues and dangers that would at-
tend such a long voyage by sea, and afterwards such a tedious
journey by land. She enlarged particularly on the risk he
would run, with respect to the concerns of his precious soul,
among savages who had not yet received the glad tidings of
salvation ; and she hinted, that his abandoning Great Britain
might, perhaps, prove fatal to the inclinations of some deserv-
ing person, whom he was qualified to make happy for life.
My uncle, who is really a Don Quixote in generosity, under-
standing that Lismahago's real reason for leaving Scotland

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

was the impossibility of subsisting in it with any decency upon
the wretched provision of a subaltern's half -pay, began to be
warmly interested on the side of compassion. He thought it
very hard, that a gentleman, who had served his country with
honour, should be driven by necessity to spend his old age
among the refuse of mankind, in such a remote part of the
world. He discoursed with me upon the subject, observing,
that he would willingly offer the lieutenant an asylum at
Brambleton Hall, if he did not foresee that his singularities
and humours of contradiction would render him an intolerable
house-mate, though his conversation at some times might be
both instructive and entertaining; but, as there seemed to be
something particular in his attention to Mrs. Tabitha, he and
I agreed in opinion^ that this intercourse should be en-
couraged, and improved, if possible, into a matrimonial union :
hi which case there would be a comfortable provision for
both ; and they might be settled in a house of their own, so
that Mr. Bramble should have no more of their company than
he desired.

In pursuance of this design, Lismahago has been invited to
pass the winter at Brambleton Hall, as it will be time enough
to execute his American project in the spring. He has taken
time to consider of this proposal ; meanwhile, he will keep us
company as far as we travel in the road to Bristol, where he
has hopes of getting a passage for America. I make no doubt
but that he will postpone his voyage, and prosecute his ad-
dresses to a happy consumm.ation ; and sure, if it produces
any fruit, it must be of a very peculiar flavour. As the
weather continues favourable, I believe we shall take the Peak
of Derbyshire and Buxton Wells in our way. At any rate,
from the first place where we make any stay, you shall hear
again from yours always, J. Melford.

Carlisle, Sept. 21.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Doctor, — The peasantry of Scotland are certainly on
a poor footing all over the kingdom ; and yet they look better,
and are better clothed, than those of the same rank in Bur-
gundy, and many other places of France and Italy; nay, I

281

THE EXPEDITION OF

will venture to say they are better fed, notwithstanding the
boasted wine of these foreign countries. The country people
of North Britain live chiefly on oatmeal, and milk-cheese, but-
ter, and some garden stuff, with now and then a pickled
herring, by way of delicacy; but flesh-meat they seldom or
never taste, nor any kind of strong liquor, except twopenny,
at times of uncommon festivity. Their breakfast is a kind
of hasty-padding, of oatmeal, or peasmeal, eaten with milk.
They have commonly pottage to dinner, composed of cale or
cole, leeks, barley, or big, and butter, and this is reinforced
with bread, and cheese made of skimmed milk. At night
they Slip on sowens or flummery of oatmeal. In a scarcity of
oats, they use the meal of barley and peas, which is both nour-
ishing and palatable. Some of them have potatoes; and you
find parsnips in every peasant's garden. They are clothed
with a coarse kind of russet of their own making, which is
both decent and warm. They dwell in poor huts, built of
loose stones and turf, without any mortar, having a fireplace
or hearth in the middle, generally made of an old millstone,
and a hole at top to let out the smoke.

These people, however, are content, and wonderfully sa-
gacious. All of them read the Bible, and are even qualified
to dispute upon the articles of their faith, which, in those parts
1 have seen, is entirely Presbyterian. I am told, that the in-
habitants of Aberdeenshire are still more acute. I once knew
a Scotch gentleman at London, who had declared war against
this part of his country, and swore that the impudence and
knavery of the Scotch in that quarter had brought a reproach
upon the whole nation.

The river Clyde, above Glasgow, is quite pastoral, and the
banks of it are everywhere adorned with fine villas. From
the sea to its source, we may reckon the seats of many fami-
lies of the first rank, such as the Duke of Argyle at Roseneath,
the Earl of Bute in the isle of that name, the Earl of Glen-
cairn at Finlayston, Lord Blantyre at Areskine, the Duchess
of Douglas at Bothwell, the Duke of Hamilton at Hamilton,
the Duke of Douglas at Douglas, and the Earl of Hyndford
at Carmichael. Hamilton is a noble palace, magnificently
furnished ; and hard by is the village of that name, one of
the neatest little towns I have seen in any country. The old

282

HUMPHRY CLINKER

caslle of Douglas being burnt to the ground by accident, the
late Duke resolved, as head of the first family in Scotland,
to have the largest house in the kingdom, and ordered a plan
for this purpose ; but there was only one wing of it finished
when he died. It is to be hoped that his nephew, who is now
in possession of his great fortune, will complete the design of
his predecessor. Clydesdale is in general populous and rich,
containing a great number of gentlemen, who are independent
in their fortune ; but it produces more cattle than corn. This
is also the case with Tweeddale, through part of which we
passed, and Nisdale, which is generally rough, wild, and
mountainous. These hills are covered with sheep; and this
is the small delicious mutton, so much preferable to that of
the London market. As their feeding costs so little, the sheep
are not killed till five years old, when their flesh, juices, and
flavour are in perfection ; but their fleeces are much damaged
by the tar with which they are smeared to preserve them from
the rot in winter, during which they run wild night and day,
and thousands are lost under huge wreaths of snow. 'Tis a
pity the farmers cannot contrive some means to shelter this
useful animal from the inclemencies of a rigorous climate,
especially from the perpetual rains, which are more prejudicial
than the greatest extremity of cold weather.

On the little river Nid is situated the castle of Drumlanrig,
one of the noblest seats in Great Britain, belonging to the
Duke of Queensberry, one of those few noblemen whose good-
ness of heart does honour to human nature. I shall not pre-
tend to enter into a description of this palace, which is really
an instance of the sublime in magnificence, as well as in situa-
tion, and puts one in mind of the beautiful city of Palmyra,
rising like a vision in the midst of the wilderness. His Grace
keeps open house, and lives wath great splendour. He did us
the honour to receive us with great courtesy, and detain us all
night, together with above twenty other guests, with all their
servants and horses, to a very considerable number. The
Duchess was equally gracious, and took our ladies under her
immediate protection. The longer I live, I see more reason
to believe that prejudices of education are never wholly eradi-
cated, even when they are discovered to be erroneous and ab-
surd. Such habits of thinking, as interest the grand passions,

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THE EXPEDITION OF

cleave to the human heart in such a manner, that though an
effort of reason may force them from their hold for a moment,
this violence no sooner ceases, than they resume their grasp
with an increased elasticity and adhesion.

I am led into this reflection by what passed at the Duke's
table after supper. The conversation turned upon the vulgar
notions of spirits and omens, that prevail among the common-
alty of North Britain, and all the company agreed, that noth-
ing could be more ridiculous. One gentleman, however, told
a remarkable story of himself, by way of speculation. — " Be-
ing on a party off hunting in the north," said he, " I resolved
to visit an old friend, whom I had not seen for twenty years.
So long he had been retired and sequestrated from all his ac-
quaintance, and lived in a moping, melancholy way, much
afflicted with lowness of spirits, occasioned by the death of
his wife, whom he had loved with uncommon affection. As
he resided in a remote part of the country, and we were five
gentlemen, with as many servants, we carried some provision
with us from the next market town, lest we should find him
unprepared for our reception. The roads being bad, we did
not arrive at the house till two o'clock in the afternoon, and
were agreeably surprised to find a very good dinner ready in
the kitchen, and the cloth laid with six covers. My friend
himself appeared in his best apparel at the gate, and received
us with open arms, telling me he had been expecting us these
two hours. Astonished at this declaration, I asked who had
given him intelligence of our coming ? and he smiled, without
making any other reply. However, presuming upon our
former intimacy, I afterwards insisted upon knowing; and he
told me, very gravely, he had seen me in a vision of the
second sight ; nay, he called in the evidence of his steward,
who solemnly declared, that his master had the day before ap-
prised him of my coming, with four other strangers, and or-
dered him to provide accordingly ; in consequence of which
intimation, he had prepared the dinner which we were now
eating, and laid the covers according to the number foretold."

The incident we all owned to be remarkable, and I endeav-
oured to account for it by natural means. I observed, that as
the old gentleman was of a visionary turn, the casual idea, or
remembrance of his old friend, might suggest those circum-

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stances which accident had for once realised ; but that in all
probability he had seen many visions of the same kind, which
were never verified. None of the company directly dissented
from my opinion, but, from the objections that were hinted,
I could plainly perceive that the majority were persuaded
there was something more extraordinary in the case.

Another gentleman of the company, addressing himself to
me, " Without all doubt," said he, '' a diseased imagination
is very apt to produce visions ; but we must find some other
method to account for something of this kind, that happened
within these eight days in my neighbourhood. A gentleman
of a good family, who cannot be deemed a visionary in any
sense of the word, was, near his own gate, in the twilight,
visited by his grandfather, who has been dead these fifteen
years. The spectre was mounted, seemingly, on the very
horse he used to ride, with an angry and terrible countenance,
and said something, which his grandson, in the confusion of*
his fear, could not understand. But this was not all — he lifted
up a huge horsewhip, and applied it with great violence to his
back and shoulders, on which I saw the impression with my
own eyes. The apparition was afterwards seen by the sexton
of the parish, hovering about the tomb where his body lies
interred ; as the man declared to several persons in the village,
before he knew what had happened to the gentleman ; nay, he
actually came to me, as a justice of the peace, in order to make
oath of these particulars, which, however, I declined adminis-
tering. As for the grandson of the defunct, he is a sober,
sensible, worldly-minded fellow, too intent upon schemes of
interest to give in to reveries. He would have willingly con-
cealed the affair, but he bawled out in the first transport of
his fear, and, running into the house, exposed his back and
his sconce to the whole family ; so that there was no denying
it in the sequel. It is now the common discourse of the
country, that this appearance and behaviour of the old man's
spirit portends some great calamity to the family, and the
good woman has actually taken to her bed in this apprehen-
sion."

Though I did not pretend to explain this mystery, I said I
did not at all doubt, but it would one day appear to be a
deception ; and, in all probability, a scheme executed by some

285 .

THE EXPEDITION OF

enemy of the person who had sustained the assault; but still
the gentleman insisted upon the clearness of the evidence, and
the concurrence of testimony, by which two credible witnesses,
without having any communication one with another, affirmed
the appearance of the same man, with whose person they were
both well acquainted.

From Drumlanrig we pursued the course of the Nid to
Dumfries, which stands several miles above the place where
the river falls into the sea, and is, after Glasgow, the hand-
somest town I have seen in Scotland. The inhabitants, indeed,
seem to have proposed that city as their model; not only in
beautifying their town and regulating its police, but also in
prosecuting their schemes of commerce and manufacture, by
which they are grown rich and opulent.

We re-entered England by the way of Carlisle, where we
accidentally met with our friend Lismahago, whom we had
in vain inquired after at Dumfries and other places. It would
seem that the captain, like the prophets of old, is but little
honoured in his own country, which he has now renounced
for ever. He gave me the following particulars of his visit
to his native soil : In his way to the place of his nativity, he
learned that his nephew had married the daughter of a bour-
geois, who directed a weaving manufacture, and had gone
into partnership with his father-in-law ; chagrined with this
information, he had arrived at the gate in the twilight, where
he heard the sound of treddles in the great hall, which had
exasperated him to such a degree, that he had like to have
lost his senses. While he was thus transported with indigna-
tion, his nephew chanced to come forth, when, being no longer
master of his passion, he cried, " Degenerate rascal, you have
made my father's house a den of thieves " ; and at the same
time chastised him with his horsewhip; then, riding round
the adjoining village, he had visited the burying-ground of
his ancestors by moonlight ; and, having paid his respects to
their names, travelled all night to another part of the country.
Finding the head of his family in such a disgraceful situation,
all his own friends dead or removed from the places of their
former residence, and the expense of living increased to
double of what it had been when he first left his native coun-

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

try, he had bid it an eternal adieu, and was determined to seek
for repose among the forests of America.

I was no longer at a loss to account for the apparition,
which had been described at Drumlanrig; and when I re-
peated the story to the lieutenant, he was much pleased to
think his resentment had been so much more effectual than
he intended ; and he owned, he might at such an hour, and in
such an equipage, very well pass for the ghost of his father,
whom he was said greatly to resemble. Between friends, I
fancy Lismahago will find a retreat without going so far as
the wigwams of the Miamis. My sister Tabby is making con-
tinual advances to him in the way of affection ; and, if I may
trust to appearances, the captain is disposed to take opportu-
nity by the forelock. For my part, I intend to encourage this
correspondence, and shall be glad to see them united; in that
case, we shall find a way to settle them comfortably in our
own neighbourhood. I, and my servants, will get rid of a
very troublesome and tyrannic governante ; and I shall have
the benefit of Lismahago's conversation without being obliged
to take more of his company than I desire ; for though an olla
is a high-flavoured dish, I could not bear to dine upon it every
day of my life.

I am much pleased with Manchester, which is one of the
most agreeable and flourishing towns in Great Britain ; and I
perceive, that this is the place which hath animated the spirit,
and suggested the chief manufactures of Glasgow. We pro-
pose to visit Chatsworth, the Peak, and Buxton, from which
last place we shall proceed directly homewards, though by
easy journeys. If the season has been as favourable in Wales,
as in the north, your harvest is happily finished ; and we have
nothing left to think of but our October, of which let Barnes
be properly reminded. You will find me much better in flesh
than I was at our parting ; and this short separation has given
a new edge to those sentiments of friendship with which I
always have been, and ever shall be, Yours,

Manchester, Sept. 15. Matt. Bramble.

To Mrs. Gwyllim^ Housekeeper at Brambleton Hall.
Mrs. Gwillim, — It has pleased Providence to bring us safe
back to England, and partake us in many pearls by land and

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THE EXPEDITION OF

water, in particular, the Devil's Harse-a-pike, and Hoyden s
Hole, which hath got no bottom; and, as we are drawing
huomwards, it may be proper to uprise you, that Brambleton
Hall may be in a condition to receive us, after this long jour-
ney to the islands of Scotland. By the first of next month
you may begin to make constant fires in my brother's chamber
and mine ; and burn a f agget every day in the yellow damask
room; have the tester and curtains dusted, and the feather-
bed and matrosses well haired ; because, perhaps, with blissing
of Heaven, they may be yused on some occasion. Let the ould
hogsheads be well skewred and seasoned for bear, as Mat is
resolved to have his seller choak-fool.

If the house was mine I would turn over a new leaf. I
don't see why the sarvants of Wales shouldn't drink fair
water, and eat hot cakes and barley cale, as they do in Scot-
land, without troubling the botcher above once a quarter. I
hope you keep accunt of Roger's purseeding in reverence to
the buttermilk. I expect my due when I come huom, without
baiting an ass, I'll assure you. As you must have layed a
great many more eggs than would be eaten, I do suppose there
is a power of turks, chickings, and guzzling about the house ;
and a brave kergo of cheese ready for market; and that the
owl has been sent to Crickhowel, saving what the maide spun
in the family.

Pray let the whole house and furniture have a through
cleaning from top to bottom, for the honour of Wales ; and let
Roger search into, and make a general clearance of the slit
holes which the maids have in secret; for I know they are
much given to sloath and uncleanness. I hope you have
worked a reformation among them, as I exhorted you in my
last, and set their hearts upon better things than they can find
in junkitting and caterwauling with the fellows of the country.

As for Win Jenkins, she has undergone a perfect metamur-
physis, and is become a new creeter from the ammunition of
Humphry Clinker, our new footman, a pious young man, who
has laboured exceedingly, that she may bring forth fruits of
repentance. I make no doubt but he will take the same pains
with that pert hussy Mary Jones, and all of you ; and that he

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

may have power given to penetrate and instill his goodness,
even into your most inward parts, is the fervent prayer of,

Your friend in the spirit,
Sept. i8. Tab. Bramble.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Lewis, — Lismahago is more paradoxical than ever.
The late gulp he had of his native air seems to have blown
fresh spirits into all his polemical faculties. I congratulated
him the other day on the present flourishing state of his coun-
try, observing, that the Scotch were now in a fair way to wipe
off the national reproach of poverty, and expressing my satis-
faction at the happy effects of the Union, so conspicuous in the
improvement of their agriculture, commerce, manufactures,
and manners. The lieutenant, screwing up his features into
a look of dissent and disgust, commented on my remarks to
this effect : —

" Those who reproach a nation for its poverty, when it is
not owing to the profligacy or vice of the people, deserve no
answer. The Lacedemonians were poorer than the Scotch,
when they took the lead among all the free states of Greece,
and were esteemed above them all for their valour and their
virtue. The most respectable heroes of ancient Rome, such as
Fabricius, Cincinnatus, and Regulus, were poorer than the
poorest freeholder in Scotland; and there are at this day in-
dividuals in North Britain, one of whom can produce more
gold and silver than the whole republic of Rome could raise
at those times when her public virtue shone with unrivalled
lustre ; and poverty was so far from being a reproach, that it
added fresh laurels to her fame, because it indicated a noble
contempt of wealth, which was proof against all the arts of
corruption. If poverty be a subject of reproach, it follows,
that wealth is the object of esteem and veneration. In that
case there are Jews and others in Amsterdam and London,
enriched by usury, peculation, and different species of fraud
and extortion, who are more estimable than the most virtuous
and illustrious members of the community ; an absurdity which
no man in his senses will offer to maintain. Riches are cer-
tainly no proof of merit. Nay, they are often, if not most

19 289

THE EXPEDITION OF

commonly, acquired by persons of sordid minds and mean
talents. Nor do they give any intrinsic worth to the possessor ;
but, on the contrary, tend to pervert his understanding, and
render his morals more depraved.

" But granting that poverty were really matter of reproach,
it cannot be justly imputed to Scotland. No country is poor
that can supply its inhabitants with the necessaries of life, and
even afford articles for exportation. Scotland is rich in nat-
ural advantages. It produces every species of provision in
abundance, vast herds of cattle, and flocks of sheep, with a
great number of horses; prodigious quantities of wool and
flax, with plent}^ of copse wood, and in some parts large for-
ests of timber. The earth is still more rich below than above
the surface. It yields inexhaustible stores of coal, freestone,
marble, lead, iron, copper, and silver, with some gold. The
sea abounds with excellent fish, and salt to cure them for ex-
portation ; and there are creeks and harbours round the whole
kingdom, for the convenience and security of navigation. The
face of the country displays a surprising number of cities,
towns, villas, and villages, swarming with people; and there
seems to be no wr.nt of art, industry, government, and police.
— Such a kingdom never can be called poor, in any sense of
the word, though there may be many others more powerful
and opulent. But the proper use of those advantages, and the
present prosperity of the Scotch, you seem to derive from the
Union of the two kingdoms."

I said, I supposed he would not deny that the appearance
of the country was much mended ; that the people lived bet-
ter, had more trade, and a greater quantity of money circu-
lating since the Union than before. " I may safely admit
these premises," answered the lieutenant, " without subscrib-
ing to your inference. The difference you mention, I should
take to be the natural progress of improvement. — Since that
period, other nations, such as the Swedes, the Danes, and in
particular the French, have greatly increased in commerce,
without any such cause assigned. Before the Union, there
was a remarkable spirit of trade among the Scotch, as ap-
peared in the case of their Darien Company, in which they
had embarked no less than four hundred thousand pounds
sterling; and in the flourishing state of the maritime towns

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in Fife, and on the eastern coast, enriched by their trade with
France, which failed in consequence of the Union. The only
solid commercial advantage reaped from that measure was
the privilege of trading to the English plantations ; yet, ex-
cepting Glasgow and Dumfries, I don't know any other
Scotch towns concerned in that traffic. In other respects, I
conceive the Scotch were losers by the Union. They lost the
independency of their state, the greatest prop of national
spirit ; they lost their parliament, and their courts of justice
were subjected to the revision and supremacy of an English
tribunal."

" Softly, captain," cried I, '' you cannot be said to have
loct your own parliament, while you are represented in that
of Great Britain." — '' True," said he, with a sarcastic grin,
" in debates of national competition, the sixteen peers and
forty-five common-ers of Scotland must make a formidable
figure in the scale, against the whole English legislature." —
" Be that as it may," I observed, '' while I had the honour to
sit in the Lower House, the Scotch members had always the
majority on their side." — " I understand you, sir," said he,
" they generally side with the majority ; so much the worse
for their constituents. But even this evil is not the worst they
have sustained by the Union. Their trade has been saddled
with grievous impositions, and every article of living severely
taxed, to pay the interest of enormous debts contracted by
the English, in support of measures and connexions in which
the Scotch had no interest nor concern." I begged he would
at least allow, that, by the Union, the Scotch were admitted
to all the privileges and immunities of English subjects ; by
which means, multitudes of them were provided for in the
army and navy, and got fortunes in different parts of England
and its dominions. " All these," said he, '' become English
subjects to all intents and purposes, and are in a great meas-
ure lost to their mother country. The spirit of rambling and
adventure has been always peculiar to the natives of Scot-
land. If they had not met with encouragement in England,
they would have served and settled, as formerly, in other
countries, such as Muscovy, Sweden, Denmark, Poland,
Germany, France, Piedmont, and Italy, in all which na-
tions their descendants continue to flourish even at this day."

291

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By this time my patience began to fail, and I exclaimed,
" For God's sake, what has England got by this Union,
which, you say, has been so productive of misfortune to the
Scotch ? " — '' Great and manifold are the advantages which
England derives from the Union," said Lismahago, in a
solemn tone. " First and foremost, the settlement of the
Protestant succession, a point which the English ministry
drove with such eagerness, that no stone was left unturned
to cajole and bribe a few leading men, to cram the Union
down the throats of the Scottish nation, who were surpris-
ingly averse to the expedient. They gained by it a consider-
able addition of territory, extending their dominion to the
sea on all sides of the island, thereby shutting up all back
doors against the enterprises of their enemies. They got an
accession of above a million of useful subjects, constituting a
never-failing nursery of seamen, soldiers, labourers, and me-
chanics ; a most valuable acquisition to a trading country,
exposed to foreign wars, and obliged to maintain a number
of settlements in all the four quarters of the globe. In the
course of seven years, during the last war, Scotland furnished
the English arn.y and navy with seventy thousand men,
over and above those who migrated to their colonies, or
mingled with them at home in the civil departments of life.
This was a very considerable and seasonable supply to a
nation, whose people had been for many years decreasing in
number, and whose lands and manufactures were actually
suffering for want of hands. I need not remind you of the
hackneyed maxim, that, to a nation in such circumstances,
a supply of industrious people is a supply of wealth ; nor re-
peat an observation, which is now received as an eternal
truth, even among the English themselves, that the Scotch
who settle in South Britain are remarkably sober, orderly,
and industrious."

I allowed the truth of this remark, adding, that, by their
industry, economy, and circumspection, many of them in
England, as well as in her colonies, amassed large fortunes,
with which they returned to their own country, and this was
so much lost to South Britain.

" Give me leave, sir," said he, " to assure you, that in your
fact you are mistaken, and in your deduction erroneous. Not

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one in two hundred that leaves Scotland ever returns to
settle in his own country ; and the few that do return, carry
thither nothing that can possibly diminish the stock of South
Britain; for none of their treasure stagnates in Scotland.
There is a continual circulation, like that of the blood in the
human body, and England is the heart, to which all the
streams which it distributes are refunded and returned ; nay,
in consequence of that luxury, which our connexion with
England hath greatly encouraged, if not introduced, all the
produce of our lands, and all the profits of our trade, are en-
grossed by the natives of South Britain ; for you will find
that the exchange between the two kingdoms is always
against Scotland, and that she retains neither gold nor silver
sufficient for her own circulation. The Scotch, not content
with their own manufactures and produce, which would very
well answer all necessary occasions, seem to vie with each
other in purchasing superfluities from England, such as
broadcloth, velvets, stuffs, silks, lace, furs, jewels, furniture
of all sorts, sugar, rum, tea, chocolate, and cofifee ; in a word,
not only every mode of the most extravagant luxury, but
even many articles of convenience, which they might find as
good, and much cheaper in their own country. For all these
particulars, England, I conceive, may touch about one mil-
lion sterling a year. I don't pretend to make an exact cal-
culation ; perhaps it may be something less, and perhaps a
great deal more. The annual revenue arising from all the
private estates of Scotland cannot fall short of a million ster-
ling: and I should imagine their trade will amount to as
much more. I know, the linen manufacture alone returns
near half a million, exclusive of the home consumption of
that article. If, therefore, North Britain pays a balance of a
million annually to England, I insist upon it, that country
is more valuable to her, in the way of commerce, than any
colony in her possession, over and above the other advan-
tages which I have specified ; therefore, they are no friends
either to England or to truth, who afifect to depreciate the
northern part of the United Kingdom.*'

I must own, I was at first a little nettled to find myself
schooled in so many particulars. Though I did not receive
all his assertions as gospel, I was not prepared to refute

293

THE EXPEDITION OF

them ; and I cannot help now acquiescing in his remarks, so
far as to think, that the contempt for Scotland, which pre-
vails too much on this side of the Tweed, is founded on preju-
dice and error. After some recollection, '' Well, captain,"
said I, " you have argued stoutly for the importance of your
own country. For my part, I have such a regard for our
fellow-subjects of North Britain, that I should be glad to see
the day when your peasants can afford to give all their oats
to their cattle, hogs, and poultry, and indulge themselves
with good wheaten loaves, instead of such poor, unpalatable,
and inflammatory diet." Here again I brought myself into
a premunire with the disputatious Caledonian. He said, he
hoped he should never see the common people lifted out of
that sphere for which they were intended by nature and the
course of things ; that they might have some reason to com-
plain of their bread, if it were mixed, like that of Norway,
with saw-dust and fish-bones ; but that oatmeal was, he ap-
prehended, as nourishing and salutary as wheat-flour, and
the Scotch in general thought it at least as savoury. He
affirmed, that a mouse, which in the article of self-preserva-
tion, might be supposed to act from infallible instinct, would
always prefer oats to wheat, as appeared from experience ;
for, in a place where there was a parcel of each, that animal
had never begun to feed upon the latter till all the oats were
consumed. For their nutritive quality, he appealed to the
hale robust constitutions of the people, who lived chiefly
upon oatmeal ; and instead of being inflammatory, he as-
serted, that it was cooling, subacid, balsamic, and mucila-
ginous ; insomuch, that, in all inflammatory distempers, re-
course was had to water-gruel, and flummery made of
oatmeal.

" At least," said I, " give me leave to wish them such a
degree of commerce as may enable them to follow their own
inclinations." — " Heaven forbid ! " cried the philosopher.
" Woe be to that nation where the multitude is at liberty to
follow their own inclinations ! Commerce is undoubtedly a
blessing, while restrained within its proper channels ; but a
glut of wealth brings along with it a glut of evils. It brings
false taste, false appetite, false wants, profusion, venality,
contempt of order, engendering a spirit of licentiousness, in-

2QA

HUMPHRY CLINKER

science, and faction, that keeps the community in continual
ferment, and in time destroys all the distinctions of civil
society; so that universal anarchy and uproar must ensue.
Will any sensible man affirm, that the national advantages
of opulence are to be sought on these terms ? No, sure ; —
but I am one of those who think, that, by proper regulations,
commerce may produce every national benefit, without the
allay of such concomitant evils."

So much for the dogmata of my friend Lismahago, whom
I describe the more circumstantially, as I firmly believe he
will set up his rest in Monmouthshire. Yesterday, while I
was alone with him, he asked, in some confusion, if I should
have any objection to the success of a gentleman and a sol-
dier, provided he should be so fortunate as to engage my
sister's affection? I answered, without hesitation, that my
sister was old enough to judge for herself; and that I should
be very far from disapproving any resolution she migfit take
in his favour. His eyes sparkled at this declaration. He
declared, he should think himself the happiest man on earth
to be connected with my family ; and that he should never
be weary of giving me proofs of his gratitude and attach-
ment. I suppose Tabby and he are already agreed, in which
case we shall have a wedding at Brambleton Hall, and you
shall give away the bride. It is the least thing you can do,
by way of atonement for your former cruelty to that poor
love-sick maiden, who has been so long a thorn in the side
of Yours, Matt. Bramble.

Sept. 20.

We have been at Buxton; but, as I did not much relish
either the company or the accommodations, and had no oc-
casion for the water, we stayed but two nights in the place.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon.

Dear Wat, — Adventures begin to thicken as we advance
to the southward. Lismahago has now professed himself
the admirer of our aunt, and carries on his addresses under
the sanction of her brother's approbation ; so that we shall
certainly have a wedding by Christmas. I should be glad

295

THE EXPEDITION OF

you was present at the nuptials, to help me throw the stock-
ing, and perform other ceremonies peculiar to the occasion.
I am sure it will be productive of some diversion ; and, truly,
it will be worth your while to come across the country on
purpose to see two such original figures in bed together, with
their laced night-caps ; he the emblem of good cheer, and she
the picture of good-nature. All this agreeable prospect was
clouded, and had well-nigh vanished entirely, in consequence
of a late misunderstanding between the future brothers-in-
law, which, however, is now happily removed.

A few days ago, my uncle and I, going to visit a relation,
met with Lord Oxmington at his house, who asked us to
dine with him next day, and we accepted the invitation. Ac-
cordingly, leaving our women under the care of Captain
Lismahago, at the inn where we had lodged the preceding
night, in a little town, about a mile from his lordship's dwell-
ing, we went at the hour appointed, and had a fashionable
meal, served up with much ostentation, to a company of
about a dozen persons, none of whom we had ever seen be-
fore. His lordship is much more remarkable for his pride and
caprice than for his hospitality and understanding; and, in-
deed, it appeared that he considered his guests merely as
objects to shine upon, so as to reflect the lustre of his own
magnificence. There was much state, but no courtesy; and
a great deal of compliment, without any conversation.

Before the dessert was removed, our noble entertainer pro-
posed three general toasts ; then calling for a glass of wine,
and bowing all round, wished us a good afternoon. This
was the signal for the company to break up, and they obeyed
it immediately, all except our squire, who was greatly
shocked at the manner of this dismission. He changed coun-
tenance, bit his lip in silence, but still kept his seat, so that
his lordship found himself obliged to give us another hint,
by saying he should be glad to see us another time. " There
is no time like the present time," cried Mr. Bramble ; " your
lordship has not yet drank a bumper to the best in Christen-
dom."— " I'll drink no more bumpers to-day," answered our
landlord ; " and I am sorry to see you have drank too many
— order the gentleman's carriage to the gate." So saying,
he rose and retired abruptly ; our squire starting up at the

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

same time, laying his hand upon his sword, and eyeing him
with a most ferocious aspect. The master having vanished
in this manner, our uncle bade one of the servants see what
was to pay ; and the fellow answering, " This is no inn " : —
" I cry you mercy," said the other, '' I perceive it is not ; if
it were, the landlord would be more civil. There's a guinea,
however ; take it, and tell your lord that I shall not leave the
country till I have had an opportunity to thank him in per-
son for his politeness and hospitality.''

We then walked downstairs through a double range of
lacqueys, and getting into the chaise, proceeded homewards.
Perceiving the squire much rufifled, I ventured to disapprove
of his resentment, observing, that, as Lord Oxmington was
well known to have his brain very ill timbered, a sensible
man should rather laugh than be angry at his ridiculous want
of breeding. Mr. Bramble took umbrage at my presuming
to be wiser than he upon this occasion ; and told me, that, as
he had always thought for himself in every occurrence in life,
he would still use the same privilege, with my good leave.

When we returned to our inn, he closeted Lismahago ; and
having explained his grievance, desired that gentleman to go
and demand satisfaction of Lord Oxmington in his name.
The lieutenant charged himself with this commission, and
immediately set out a-horseback for his lordship's house,
attended, at his own request, by my man Archy M'Alpin,
who had been used to military service ; and truly, if M'Alpin
had been mounted upon an ass, this couple might have
passed for the knight of La Mancha and his squire Panza. It
was not till after some demur, that Lismahago obtained a
private audience, at which he formally defied his lordship to
single combat, in the name of Mr. Bramble, and desired him
to appoint the time and place. Lord Oxmington was so
confounded at this unexpected message, that he could not.
for some time, make any articulate reply ; but stood staring
at the lieutenant with manifest marks of perturbation. At
length, ringing a bell with great vehemence, he exclaimed,
" What ! a commoner send a challenge to a peer of the
realm ! — Privilege ! privilege ! — Here's a person brings me a
challenge from the Welshman that dined at my table. An
impudent fellow! — My wine is not yet out of his head."

297

THE EXPEDITION OF

The whole house was immediately in commotion. M'Al-
pin made a soldierl}' retreat with the two horses ; but the
captain was suddenly surrounded and disarmed by the foot-
men, whom a French valet-de-chambre headed in this ex-
ploit ; his sword was passed through a close-stool, and his
person through the horse-pond. In this plight he returned
to the inn, half mad with his disgrace. So violent was the
rage of his indignation, that he mistook its object. He
wanted to quarrel with Mr. Bramble ; he said he had been
dishonoured on his account, and he looked for reparation at
his hands. My uncle's back was up in a moment ; and he
desired him to explain his pretensions. " Either compel
Lord Oxmington to give me satisfaction," cried he, " or give
it me in your person." — " The latter part of the alternative
is the most easy and expeditious," replied the squire, starting
up ; " If you are disposed for a walk, I'll attend you this
moment."

Here they were interrupted by Mrs. Tabby, who had over-
heard all that passed. She now burst into the room, and
running betwixt them, in great agitation, " Is this your re-
gard for me," said she to the lieutenant, '' to seek the life of
my brother? " Lismahago, who seemed to grow cool as my
uncle grew hot, assured her he had a very great respect for
Mr. Bramble, but he had still more for his own honour,
which had suffered pollution ; but if that could be once puri-
fied, he should have no farther cause for dissatisfaction. The
squire said, he should have thought it incumbent upon him
to vindicate the lieutenant's honour ; but as he now carved
for himself, he might swallow and digest it as well as he
could. In a word, what betwixt the mediation of Mrs. Tab-
itha, the recollection of the captain, who perceived he had
gone too far, and the remonstrances of your humble servant,
who joined them at this juncture, those two originals were
perfectly reconciled ; and then we proceeded to deliberate
upon the means of taking vengeance for the insults they had
received from the petulant peer ; for until that aim should be
accomplished, Mr. Bramble swore, with great emphasis, that
he would not leave the inn where we now lodged, even if he
should pass his Christmas on the spot.

In consequence of our deliberations, we next day, in the

298

HUMPHRY CLINKER

forenoon, proceeded in a body to his lordship's house, all of
us, with our servants, including the coachman, mounted
a-horseback, with our pistols loaded and ready primed. Thus
prepared for action, we paraded solemnly and slowly before
his lordship's gate, which we passed three times, in such a
manner, that he could not but see us, and suspect the cause
of our appearance. After dinner we returned, and performed
the same cavalcade, which was again repeated the morning
following; but we had no occasion to persist in these ma-
noeuvres. About noon we were visited by the gentleman at
whose house we had first seen Lord Oxmington. He now
came to make apologies in the name of his lordship, who de-
clared he had no intention to give offence to my uncle, in
practising what had been always the custom of his house ;
and that as for the indignities which had been put upon the
officer, they were offered without his lordship's knowledge,
at the instigation of his valet-de-chambre. " If that be the
case," said my uncle, in a peremptory tone, " I shall be con-
tented with Lord Oxmington's personal excuses ; and I hope
my friend will be satisfied with his lordship's turning that in-
solent rascal out of his service." — " Sir," cried Lismahago,
" I must insist upon taking personal vengeance for the per-
sonal injuries I have sustained."

After some debate, the affair was adjusted in this manner.
His lordship, meeting us at our friend's house, declared he
was sorry for what had happened • and that he had no inten-
tion to give umbrage. The valet-de-chambre asked pardon
of the lieutenant upon his knees, when Lismahago, to the
astonishment of all present, gave him a violent kick on the
face, which laid him on his back, exclaiming, in a furious
tone, " Old, je te pardonne, gens foiitre.'^

Such was the fortunate issue of this perilous adventure,
which threatened abundance of vexation to our family ; for
the squire is one of those who will sacrifice both life and for-
tune, rather than leave what he conceives to be the least
speck or blemish upon his honour and reputation. His lord-
ship had no sooner pronounced his apology, with a very bad
grace, than he went away in some disorder, and, I daresay,
he will never invite another Welshman to his table.

We forthwith quitted the field of this achievement, in or-

299

THE EXPEDITION OF

der to prosecute our journey; but we followed no determi-
nate course. We make small deviations to see the remarkable
towns, villas, and curiosities on each side of our route ; so
that we advance by slow steps towards the borders of Mon-
mouthshire. But, in the midst of these irregular motions,
there is no aberration nor eccentricity in that affection with
which I am, dear Wat, yours always, J. Melford.

September 28.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Dick, — At what time of life may a man think him-
self exempted from the necessity of sacrificing his repose to
the punctilios of a contemptible world? I have been en-
gaged in a ridiculous adventure, which I shall recount at
meeting; and this, I hope, will not be much longer delayed,
as we have now performed almost all our visits, and seen
everything that I think has any right to retard us in our
journey homewards. A few days ago, understanding, by
accident, that my old friend Baynard was in the country, I
would not pass so near his habitation without paying him a
visit, though our correspondence had been interrupted for a
long course of years.

I felt myself very sensibly affected by the ideas of our past
intimacy, as we approached the place where we had spent so
many happy days together; but when we arrived at the
house, I could not recognise any one of those objects which
had been so deeply impressed upon my remembrance. The
tall oaks that shaded the avenue had been cut down, and the
iron gates at the end of it removed, together with the high
wall that surrounded the court-yard. The house itself, which
was formerly a convent of Cistercian monks, had a vener-
able appearance ; and along the front that looked into the
garden, was a stone gallery, which afforded me many an
agreeable walk, when I was disposed to be contemplative.
Now the old front is covered with a screen of modern archi-
tecture ; so that all without is Grecian, and all within Gothic.
As for the garden, which was well stocked with the best fruit
which England could produce, there is not now the least ves-
tige remaining of trees, walls, or hedges. Nothing appears

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

but a naked circus of loose sand, with a dty bason and a
leaden Triton in the middle.

You must know that Baynard, at his father's death, had a
clear estate of fifteen hundred pounds a year, and was in
other respects extremely well qualified to make a respectable
figure in the commonwealth ; but, what with some excesses
of youth, and the expense of a contested election, he, in a
few years, found himself encumbered with a debt of ten
thousand pounds, which he resolved to discharge by means
of a prudent marriage. He accordingly married a Miss
Thomson, whose fortune amounted to double the sum that
he owed. She was the daughter of a citizen who had failed
in trade ; but her fortune came by an uncle, who died in the
East Indies. Her own parents being dead, she lived with a
maiden aunt, who had superintended her education, and, in
all appearance, was well enough qualified for the usual pur-
poses of the married state. Her virtues, however, stood
rather upon a negative than a positive foundation. She was
neither proud, insolent, nor capricious, nor given to scandal,
nor addicted to gaming, nor inclined to gallantry. She could
read, and write, and dance, and sing, and play upon the
harpsichord, and smatter French, and take a hand at whist
and ombre ; but even these accompHshments she possessed
by halves. She excelled in nothing. Her conversation was
flat, her style mean, and her expression embarrassed. In a
word, her character was totally insipid. Her person was not
disagreeable ; but there was nothing graceful in her address,
nor engaging in her manners ; and she was so ill-qualified to
do the honours of the house, that when she sat at the head
of the table, one was always looking for the mistress of the
family in some other place.

Baynard had flattered himself that it would be no difificult
matter to mould such a subject after his own fashion, and
that she would cheerfully enter into his views, which were
wholly turned to domestic happiness. He proposed to reside
always in the country, of which he was fond to a degree of
enthusiasm ; to cultivate his estate, which was very improv-
able ; to enjoy the exercise of rural diversions ; to maintain
an intimacy of correspondence with some friends that were
settled in his neighbourhood ; to keep a comfortable house,

301

THE EXPEDITION OF

without suffering his expenses to exceed the Hmits of his in-
come; and to find pleasure and employment for his wife in
the management and avocations of her own family. This,
however, was a visionary scheme, which he never was able
to realise. His wife was as ignorant as a new-born babe of
everything that related to the conduct of a family ; and she
had no idea of a country life. Her understanding did not
reach so far as to comprehend the first principles of discre-
tion ; and indeed, if her capacity had been better than it was,
her natural indolence would not have permitted her to aban-
don a certain routine to which she had been habituated. She
had not taste enough to relish any rational enjoyment ; but
her ruling passion was vanity, not that species wdiich arises
from self-conceit of superior accomplishments, but that which
is of a bastard and idiot nature, excited by show and osten-
tation, which implies not even the least consciousness of any
personal merit.

The nuptial peal of noise and nonsense being rung out in
all the usual changes, Mr. Baynard thought it high time to
make her acquainted with the particulars of the plan which
he had projected. He told her that his fortune, though suffi-
cient to afford all the comforts of life, was not ample enough
to command all the superfluities of pomp and pageantry,
which, indeed, were equally absurd and intolerable. He
therefore hoped she would have no objection to their leaving
London in the spring, when he would take the opportunity
to dismiss some unnecessary domestics, whom he had hired
for the occasion of their marriage. She heard him in silence,
and, after some pause, " So," said she, " I am to be buried
in the country ! " He was so confounded at this reply, that
he could not speak for some minutes ; at length he told her
he was much mortified to find he had proposed anything
that was disagreeable to her ideas. " I am sure," added he,
" I meant nothing more than to lay down a comfortable plan
of living within the bounds of our fortune, which is but mod-
"erate." — '"' Sir," added she, " you are the best judge of your
own affairs. My fortune, I know, does not exceed twenty
thousand pounds ; yet, even with that pittance, I might have
had a husband who would not have begrudged me a house
in London " — " Good God ! my dear," cried poor Baynard,

302

HUMPHRY CLINKER

in the utmost agitation, " you don't think me so sordid — I
only hinted what I thought — but I don't pretend to im-
pose " — " Yes, sir," resumed the lady, *' it is your preroga-
tive to command, and my duty to obey."

So saying, she burst into tears, and retired to her chamber,
where she was joined by her aunt. He endeavoured to recol-
lect himself, and act with vigour of mind on this occasion ;
but was betrayed by the tenderness of his nature, which
was the greatest defect of his constitution. He found the
aunt in tears, and the niece in a fit, which held her the best
part of eight hours, at the expiration of which, she began to
talk incoherently about death and her dear husband, who had
sat by her all this time, and now pressed her hands to his
lips in a transport of grief and penitence for the offence he
had given. From thenceforward he carefully avoided men-
tioning the country; and they continued to be sucked deeper
and deeper into the vortex of extravagance and dissipation,
leading what is called a fashionable life in town. About the
latter end of July, however, Mrs. Baynard, in order to exhibit
a proof of conjugal obedience, desired, of her own accord,
that they might pay a visit to his country house, as there was
no company left in London. He would have excused himself
from this excursion, which was no part of the economical
plan he had proposed ; but she insisted upon making this sac-
rifice to his taste and prejudices, and away they went with
such an equipage as astonished the whole country. All that
remained of the season was engrossed by receiving and re-
turning visits in the neighbourhood ; and, in this intercourse,
it was discovered that Sir John Chickwell had a house stew-
ard and one footman in livery more than the complement of
Mr. Baynard's household. This remark was made by the
aunt at table, and assented to by the husband, who observed,
that Sir John Chickwell might very well afford to keep more
servants than were found in the family of a man who had not
half his fortune. Mrs. Baynard ate no supper that evening ;
but was seized with a violent fit, which completed her tri-
umph over the spirit of her consort. The two supernumerary
servants were added. The family plate was sold for old sil-
ver, and a new service procured ; fashionable furniture was
provided, and the whole house turned topsy-turvy.

303

THE EXPEDITION OF

At their return to London, in the beginning of winter, he,
with a heavy heart, communicated these particulars to me in
confidence. Before his marriage he had introduced me to
the lady as his particular friend ; and I now offered, in that
character, to lay before her the necessity of reforming her
economy, if she had any regard to the interest of her own
family, or complaisance for the inclinations of her husband.
But Baynard declined my offer, on the supposition that his
wife's nerves were too delicate to bear expostulation ; and
that it would only serve to overwhelm her with such distress
as would make himself miserable.

Baynard is a man of spirit, and had she proved a terma-
gant, he would have known how to deal with her ; but, either
by accident or instinct, she fastened upon the weak side of
his soul, and held it so fast, that he has been in subjection
ever since. I afterwards advised him to carry her abroad to
France and Italy, where he might gratify her vanity for half
the expense it cost him in England ; and this advice he fol-
lowed accordingly. She was agreeably flattered with the
idea of seeing and knowing foreign parts and foreign fash-
ions, of being presented to sovereigns, and living familiarly
with princes. She forthwith seized the hint, which I had
thrown out on purpose, and even pressed Mr. Baynard to
hasten his departure ; so that, in a few weeks, they crossed
the sea to France, with a moderate train, still including the
aunt, who was her bosom counsellor, and abetted her in all
her opposition to her husband's will. Since that period I
have had little or no opportunity to renew our former cor-
respondence. All that I knew of his transactions amounted
to no more than that, after an absence of two years, they re-
turned so little improved in economy, that they launched
out into new oceans of extravagance, which at length obliged
him to mortgage his estate. By this time she had borne him
three children, of which the last only survives, a puny boy of
twelve or thirteen, who will be ruined in his education by
the indulgence of his mother.

As for Baynard, neither his own good sense, nor the dread
of indigence, nor the consideration of his children, has been of
force sufficient to stimulate him into the resolution of break-
ing at once the shameful spell by which he seems enchanted.

30^

HUMPHRY CLINKER

With a taste capable of the most refined enjoyment, a heart
glowing with all the warmth of friendship and humanity,
and a disposition strongly turned to the more rational pleas-
ures of a retired and country life, he is hurried about in a
perpetual tumult, amidst a mob of beings pleased with rat-
tles, baubles, and gewgaws, so void of sense and distinction,
that even the most acute philosophy would find it a very hard
task to discover for what wise purposes of Providence they
were created. Friendship is not to be found, nor can the
amusements for which he sighs be enjoyed, within the rota-
tion of absurdity to which he is doomed for life. He has long
resigned all views of improving his fortune by management
and attention to the exercise of husbandry, in which he de-
lighted ; and, as to domestic happiness, not the least glimpse
of hope remains to amuse his imagination. Thus blasted in
all his prospects, he could not fail to be overwhelmed with
melancholy and chagrin, which have preyed upon his health
and spirits in such a manner, that he is now threatened with
a consumption.

I have given you a sketch of the man whom the other day
I went to visit. At the gate we found a great number of
powdered lacqueys, but no civility. After we had sat a
considerable time in the coach, we were told, that Mr. Bay-
nard had rode out, and that his lady was dressing ; but we
were introduced to a parlour, so very fine and delicate, that
in all appearance it was designed to be seen only, not inhab-
ited. The chairs and couches were carved, gilt, and cov-
ered with rich damask, so smooth and sleek, that they looked
as if they had never been sat upon. There was no carpet on
the floor ; but the boards were rubbed and waxed in such a
manner, that we could not walk, but were obliged to slide
along them ; and, as for the stove, it was too bright and pol-
ished to be polluted with sea-coal, or stained by the smoke
of any gross material fire. When we had remained above
half an hour, sacrificing to the inhospitable powers in this
temple of cold reception, my friend Baynard arrived, and, un-
derstanding we were in the house, made his appearance, so
meagre, yellow, and dejected, that I really should not have
known him, had I met him in any other place. Running up
to me, with great eagerness, he strained me in his embrace,

2<» 305

THE EXPEDITION OF

and his heart was so full, that for some minutes he could not
speak. Having saluted us all round, he perceived our un-
comfortable situation, and, conducting us into another apart^
ment, vi^hich had fire in the chimney, called for chocolate ;
then, withdrawing, he returned with a compliment from his
wife, and, in the meantime, presented his son Harry, a sham-
bling blear-eyed boy, in the habit of a hussar, very rude, for-
ward, and impertinent. His father would have sent him to a
boarding-school, but his mamma and aunt would not hear
of his lying out of the house ; so that there was a clergyman
engaged as his tutor in the family.

As it was but just turned of twelve, and the whole house
was in a commotion to prepare a formal entertainment, I
foresaw it would be late before we dined, and proposed a
walk to Mr. Baynard, that we might converse together
freely. In the course of this perambulation, when I ex-
pressed some surprise that he had returned so soon from
Italy, he gave me to understand that his going abroad had
not at all answered the purpose for which he left England ;
that, although the expense of living was not so great in
Italy as at hom.e, respect being had to the same rank of life
in both countries, it had been found necessary for him to lift
himself above his usual style, that he might be on some foot-
ing with the counts, marquises, and cavaliers, with w^hom
he kept company. He was obliged to hire a great number of
servants, to take off a great variety of rich clothes, and to
keep a sumptuous table for the fashionable sorocconi of the
country, who, without a consideration of this kind, would
not have paid any attention to an untitled foreigner, let his
family or fortune be ever so respectable. Besides, Mrs. Bay-
nard was continually surrounded by a train of expensive
loungers, under the denomination of language-masters,
musicians, painters, and ciceroni ; and had actually fallen
into the disease of buying pictures and antiques upon her
own judgment, which was far from being infallible.

At length she met with an affront, which gave her a dis-
gust to Italy, and drove her back to Ens^land with some pre-
cipitation. By means of frequenting the Duchess of B 's

conversazione while her grace was at Rome, Mrs. Baynard
became acquainted with all the fashionable people of that city,

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

and was admitted to their assemblies without scruple. Thus
favoured, she conceived too great an idea of her own impor-
tance, and, when the duchess left Rome, resolved to have a
conversazione that should leave the Romans no room to re-
gret her grace's departure. She provided hands for a musical
entertainment, and sent biglietti of invitation to every person
of distinction ; but not one Roman of the female sex appeared
at her assembly. She was that night seized with a violent fit,
and kept her bed three days, at the expiration of which she de-
clared th^.t the air of Italy would be the ruin of her constitu-
tion. In order to prevent this catastrophe, she was speedily
removed to Geneva, from whence they returned to England
by the way of Lyons and Paris. By the time they arrived at
Calais, she had purchased such a quantity of silks, stuffs, and
laces, that it was necessary to hire a vessel to smuggle them
over, and this vessel was taken by a custom-house cutter; so
that they lost the whole cargo, which had cost them above
eight hundred pounds.

It now appeared that her travels had produced no effect
upon her, but that of making her more expensive and fan-
tastic than ever. She affected to lead the fashion, not only in
point of female dress, but in every article of taste and con-
noisseurship. She made a drawing of the new facade to the
house in the country ; she pulled up the trees, and pulled down
the walls of the garden, so as to let in the easterly wind, which
Mr. Baynard's ancestors had been at great pains to exclude.
To show her taste in la3ang out ground, she seized into her
own hand a farm of two hundred acres, about a mile from the
house, which she parcelled out into walks and shrubberies,
having a great bason in the middle, into which she poured a
whole stream that turned two mills, and afforded the best
trout in the country. The bottom of the bason, however, was
so ill-secured that it would not hold the water, which strained
through the earth, and made a bog of the whole plantation.
In a word, the ground which formerly paid him one hundred
and fifty pounds a year, now cost him two hundred pounds a
year to keep it in tolerable order, over and above the first
expense of trees, shrubs, flowers, turf, and gravel. There
was not an inch of garden ground left about the house, nor a
tree that produced fruit of any kind ; nor did he raise a truss

307

THE EXPEDITION OF

of hay or a bushel of oats for his horses, nor had he a single
cow to afford milk for his tea, far less did he ever dream of
feeding his own mutton, pigs, and poultry; every article of
housekeeping, even the most inconsiderable, was brought from
the next market town, at the distance of five miles, and thither
they sent a courier every morning to fetch hot rolls for break-
fast. In short, Baynard fairly owned that he spent double his
income, and that in a few years he should be obliged to sell
his estate for the payment of his creditors. He said, his wife
had such delicate nerves, and such imbecility of spirit, that she
could neither bear remonstrance, be it ever so gentle, nor
practise any scheme of retrenchment, even if she perceived
the necessity of such a measure. He had, therefore, ceased
struggling against the stream, and endeavoured to reconcile
himself to ruin, by reflecting, that his child, at least, would
inherit his mother's fortune, which was secured to him by the
contract of marriage.

The detail which he gave me of his affairs filled me at once
with grief and indignation. I inveighed bitterly against the
indiscretion of his wife, and reproached him with his unmanly
acquiescence unde^ the absurd tyranny which she exerted. I
exhorted him to recollect his resolution, and make one ef-
fectual effort to disengage himself from a thraldom equally
shameful and pernicious. I offered him all the assistance in
my power. I undertook to regulate his affairs, and even to
bring about a reformation in his family, if he would only
authorise me to execute the plan I should form for his ad-
vantage. I was so affected by the subject, that I could not
help mingling tears with rny remonstrances ; and Baynard was
so penetrated with these marks of my affection, that he lost
all power of utterance. He pressed me to his breast with
great emotion, and wept in silence. At length he exclaimed,
''■ Friendship is imdoubtedly the most precious balm of life !
Your words, dear Bramble, have in a great measure recalled
me from an abyss of despondence in which I have been long
overwhelmed ; I will, upon honour, make you acquainted with
a distinct state of my affairs, and, as far as I am able to go,
will follow the course you prescribe. But there are certain
lengths which my nature the truth is, there are tender con-
nexions, of which a bachelor has no idea. Shall I own my

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

weakness ? I cannot bear the thoughts of making that woman
uneasy.*' — " And yet," cried I, " she has seen you unhappy for
a series of years, unhappy from her misconduct, without ever
showing the least incHnation to alleviate your distress." —
" Nevertheless," said he, '' I am persuaded she loves me with
the most warm affection; but these are incongruities in the
composition of the human mind which I hold to be inexplica-
ble."

I was shocked at his infatuation, and changed the subject,
after we had agreed to maintain a close correspondence for the
future. He then gave me to understand that he had two
neighbours, who, like himself, were driven by their wives at
full speed in the high road to bankruptcy and ruin. All the
three husbands were of dispositions very different from each
other, and, according to this variation, their consorts were
admirably suited to the purpose of keeping them all three in
subjection. The views of the ladies were exactly the same.
They vied in grandeur, that is, in ostentation, with the wife of
Sir John Chickwell, who had four times their fortune ; and
she again piqued herself upon making an equal figure with a
neighbouring peeress, whose revenue trebled her own. Here
then was the fable of the frog and the ox realised in four
different instances within the same county ; one large fortune
and three moderate estates in a fair way of being burst by
the inflation of female vanity ; and, in three of these instances,
three different forms of female tyranny were exercised. Mr.
Baynard was subjugated by practising upon the tenderness of
his nature. Mr. Milksan, being of a timorous disposition,
truckled to the insolence of a termagant. Mr. Sowerby, who
was of a temper neither to be moved by fits, nor driven by
menaces, had the fortune to be fitted with a helpmate who
assailed him with the weapons of irony and satire, sometimes
sneering in the way of compliment, sometimes throwing out
sarcastic comparisons implying reproaches upon his want of
taste, spirit, and generosity, by which means she stimulated
his passions from one act of extravagance to another, just as
the circumstances of her vanity required.

All these three ladies have at this time the same number of
horses, carriages, and servants in and out of livery, the same
variety of dress, the same quantity of plate and china, the like

309

THE EXPEDITION OF

ornaments in furniture, and in their entertainments they en-
deavour to exceed one another in the variety, deHcacy, and ex-
pense of their dishes. I believe it will be found upon inquiry,
that nineteen out of twenty who are ruined by extravagance,
fall a sacrifice to the ridiculous pride and vanity of silly
women, whose parts are held in contempt by the very men
whom they pillage and enslave. Thank Heaven, Dick, that
among all the follies and weaknesses of human nature, I have
not yet fallen into that of matrimony.

After Baynard and I had discussed all these matters at
leisure, we returned towards the house, and met Jerry with
our two women, who had come forth to take the air, as the
lady of the mansion had not yet made her appearance. In
short, Mrs. Baynard did not produce herself till about a quar-
ter of an hour before dinner was upon the table. Then her
husband brought her into the parlour, accompanied by her
aunt and son, and she received us with a coldness of reserve
sufficient to freeze the very soul of hospitality. Though she
knew I had been the intimate friend of her husband, and had
often seen me with him in London, she showed no marks of
recognition or regard, when I addressed myself to her in the
most friendly terms of salutation. She did not express the
common compliment of, / am glad to see you; or / hope you
have enjoyed your health since we had the pleasure of seeing
you, or some such words of course; nor did she once open
her mouth in the way of welcome to my sister and my niece,
but sat in silence like a statue, with an aspect of insensibility.
Her aunt, the model upon which she had been formed, was
indeed the very essence of insipid formality ; but the boy was
very pert and impudent, and prated without ceasing.

At dinner, the lady maintained the same ungracious indif-
ference, never speaking but in whispers to her aunt; and as
to the repast, it was made up of a parcel of kickshaws, con-
trived by a French cook, without one substantial article
adapted to the satisfaction of an English appetite. The pot-
tage was little better than bread soaked in dish-washings, luke-
warm. The ragouts looked as if they had been once eaten and
half digested : the fricassees were involved in a nasty yellow
poultice, and the rotis were scorched and stinking, for the
honour of the fumet. The dessert consisted of faded fruit

.^lO

HUMPHRY CLINKER

and iced froth, a good emblem of our landlady's character,
the table-beer was sour, the water foul, and the wine vapid;
but there was a parade of plate and china, and a powdered
lacquey stood behind every chair, except those of the master
and mistress of the house, who were served by two valets
dressed like gentlemen. We dined in a large old Gothic par-
lour, which was formerly the hall. It was now paved with
marble, and notwithstanding the fire, which had been kindled
about an hour, struck me with such a chill sensation, that,
when I entered it, the teeth chattered in my jaws. In short,
everything was cold, comfortless, and disgusting, except the
looks of my friend Baynard, which declared the warmth of
his affection and humanity.

After dinner, we withdrew into another apartment, where
the boy began to be impertinently troublesome to my niece
Liddy. He wanted a playfellow, forsooth, and would have
romped with her, had she encouraged his advances. He was
even so impudent as to snatch a kiss, at which she changed
countenance, and seemed uneasy; and though his father
checked him for the rudeness of his behaviour, he became so
outrageous as to thrust his hand in her bosom ; an insult to
which she did not tamely submit, though one of the mildest
creatures upon earth. Her eyes sparkled with resentment,
she started up, and lent him such a box in the ear, as sent him
staggering to the other side of the room.

** Aliss Melford," cried his father, " you have treated him
with the utmost propriety. I am only sorry that the imperti-
nence of any child of mine should have occasioned this exer-
tion of your spirit, which I cannot but applaud and admire."
His wife was so far from assenting to the candour of his
apology, that she rose from the table, and taking her son by
the hand, " Come, child," said she, " your father cannot abide
you." So saying, she retired with this hopeful youth, and was
followed by her governante. But neither the one nor the other
deigned to take the least notice of the company.

Baynard was exceedingly disconcerted; but I perceived his
uneasiness was tinctured with resentment, and derived a good
omen from this discovery. I ordered the horses to be put to
the carriage; and, though he made some efforts to detain us
all night, I insisted upon leaving the house immediately; but

311

THE EXPEDITION OF

^ efore I went away, I took an opportunity of speaking to him
again in private. I said everything I could recollect, to ani-
mate his endeavours in shaking off those shameful trammels.
I made no scruple to declare, that his wife was unworthy of
that tender complaisance which he had shown for her foibles.
That she was dead to all the genuine sentiments of conjugal
affection ; insensible of her own honour and interest, and seem-
ingly destitute of common sense and reflection. I conjured
him to remember what he owed to his father's house, to his
own reputation, and to his family, including even this unrea-
sonable woman herself, who was driving on blindly to her
own destruction. I advised him to form a plan for retrenching
superfluous expense, and try to convince the aunt of the neces-
sity for such a reformation, that she might gradually prepare
her niece for its execution ; and I exhorted him to turn that
disagreeable piece of formality out of the house, if he should
find her averse to his proposal.

Here he interrupted me with a sigh, observing, that such a
step would undoubtedly be fatal to Mrs. Baynard. " I shall
lose all patience," cried I, " to hear you talk so weakly. Mrs.
Baynard's fits will never hurt her constitution. I believe in
my conscience they are all affected. I am sure she has no feel-
ing for your distresses ; and when you are ruined, she will ap-
pear to have no feeling for her own." Finally, I took his word
and honour, that he would make an effort, such as I had ad-
vised ; that he would form a plan of economy, and if he found
it impracticable without my assistance, he would come to Bath
in the winter, where I promised to give him the meeting, and
contribute all in my power to the retrieval of his affairs. With
this mutual engagement we parted; and I shall think myself
supremely happy, if by my means a worthy man, whom I love
and esteem, can be saved from misery, disgrace, and despair.

I have only one friend more to visit in this part of the coun-
try, but he is of a complexion very different from that of Bay-
nard. You have heard me mention Sir Thomas Bui ford,
whom I knew in Italy. He is now become a country gentle-
man; but, being disabled by the gout from enjoying any
amusement abroad, he entertains himself within doors, by
keeping open house for all comers, and playing upon the oddi-
ties and humours of his company. But he himself is general-

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

ly the greatest original at his table. He is very good-hu-
moured, talks much, and laughs without ceasing. I am told,
that all the use he makes of his understanding at present is,
to excite mirth, by exhibiting his guests in ludicrous attitudes.
I know not how far we may furnish him with entertainment of
this kind ; but I am resolved to beat up his quarters, partly
with a view to laugh with the knight himself, and partly to
pay my respects to his lady, a good-natured, sensible woman,
with whom he lives upon very easy terms, although she has
not had the good fortune to bring him an heir to his estate.

And now, dear Dick, I must tell you for your comfort, that
you are the only man upon earth to whom I would pre-
sume to send such a long-winded epistle, which I could not
find in my heart to curtail, because the subject interested the
warmest passions of my heart ; neither will I make any other
apology to a correspondent who has been so long accustomed
to the impertinence of Matt. Bramble.

Sept. 30.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon.

Dear Knight, — I believe there is something mischievous
in my disposition, for nothing diverts me so much as to see
certain characters tormented with false terrors. — We last
night lodged at the house of Sir Thomas Bulford, an old
friend of my uncle, a jolly fellow, of moderate intellects, who,
in spite of the gout, which hath lamed him, is resolved to be
merry to the last; and mirth he has a particular knack in ex-
tracting from his guests, let their humour be never so caustic
or refractory. Besides our company, there was in the house
a fat-headed justice of the peace, called Frogmore, and a
country practitioner in surgery, who seemed to be our land-
lord's chief companion and confidant. We found the knight
sitting on a couch, with his crutches by his side, and his feet
supported on cushions ; but he received us with a hearty wel-
come, and seemed greatly rejoiced at our arrival. After tea,
we were entertained with a sonata on the harpsichord, by
Lady Bulford, who sung and played to admiration ; but Sir
Thomas seemed to be a little asinine in the article of ears,
though he affected to be in raptures; and begged his wife to

313

THE EXPEDITION OF

favour us with an arietta of her own composing. This arietta,
however, she no sooner began to perform, than he and the
justice fell asleep; but the moment she ceased playing, the
knight waked snoring, and exclaimed, " O car a! what d'ye
think, gentlemen ? Will you talk any more of your Pergolesi
and your CorelH ? " At the same time, he thrust his tongue
in one cheek, and leered with one eye at the doctor and me,
who sat on his left hand. He concluded the pantomime with
a loud laugh, which he could command at all times extempore.
Notwithstanding his disorder, he did not do penance at sup-
per, nor did he ever refuse his glass when the toast went
round, but rather encouraged a quick circulation both by
precept and example.

I soon perceived the doctor had made himself very necessary
to the baronet. He was the whetstone of his wit, the butt of
his satire, and his operator in certain experiments of humour,
which were occasionally tried upon strangers. Justice Frog-
more was an excellent subject for this species of philosophy.
Sleek and corpulent, solemn and shallow, he had studied Burn
with uncommon application ; but he studied nothing so much
as the art of living, that is, eating, well. This fat buck had
often afforded good sport to our landlord ; and he was fre-
quently started with tolerable success, in the course of this
evening; but the baronet's appetite for ridicule seemed to be
chiefly excited by the appearance, address, and conversation
of Lismahago, whom he attempted in all the different modes
of exposition ; but he put me in mind of a contest that I once
saw betwixt a young hound and an old hedgehog. The dog
turned him over and over, and bounced, and barked, and
mumbled ; but as often as he attempted to bite, he felt a prickle
in liis jaws, and recoiled in manifest confusion. The captain,
when left to himself, will not fail to turn his ludicrous side to
the company ; but if any man attempts to force him into that
attitude, he becomes stubborn as a mule, and unmanageable as
an elephant unbroke.

Divers tolerable jokes were cracked upon the justice, who
ate a most unconscionable supper, and among other things, a
large plate of broiled mushrooms, which he had no sooner
swallowed than the doctor observed, with great gravity, that
they were of the kind called champignons, which, in some

HUMPHRY CLINKER

constitutions, had a poisonous effect. Mr. Frogmore, startled
at this remark, asked, in some confusion, why he had not been
so kind as to give him that notice sooner. He answered, that
he took it for granted, by his eating them so heartily, that he
was used to the dish ; but as he seemed to be under some ap-
prehension, he prescribed a bumper of plague-water, which
the justice drank off immediately, and retired to rest, not
without marks of terror and disquiet.

At midnight we were shown to our different chambers, and
in half an hour I was fast asleep in bed; but about three
o'clock in the morning I was waked with a dismal cry of Fire!
and, starting up, ran to the window in my shirt. The night
was dark and stormy; and a number of people, half-dressed,
ran backwards and forwards through the court-yard, with
links and lanterns, seemingly in the utmost hurry and trepida-
tion. Slipping on my clothes in a twinkling, I ran downstairs,
and, upon inquiry, found the fire was confined to a back-stair,
which led to a detached apartment where Lismahago lay. By
this time the lieutenant was alarmed by a bawling at his win-
dow, which was in the second storey, but he could not find his
clothes in the dark, and his room-door was locked on the out-
side. The servants called to him, that the house had been
robbed ; that, without all doubt, the villains had taken away
his clothes, fastened the door, and set the house on fire, for
the staircase was in flames. In this dilemma, the poor lieuten-
ant ran about the room naked, like a squirrel in a cage, pop-
ping out his head at the window between whiles, and implor-
ing assistance. At length, the knight in person was brought
out in his chair, attended by my uncle and all the family, in-
cluding our aunt Tabitha, who screamed, and cried, and tore
her hair, as if she had been distracted. Sir Thomas had al-
ready ordered his people to bring a long ladder, which was
applied to the captain's window, and now he exhorted him
earnestly to descend. There was no need of much rhetoric to
persuade Lismahago, who forthwith made his exit by the
window, roaring all the time to the people below to hold fast
the ladder.

Notwithstanding the gravity of the occasion, it was impos-
sible to behold this scene without being seized with an inclina-
tion to laugh. The rueful aspect of the lieutenant in his shirt,

315

THE EXPEDITION OF

with a quilted night-cap fastened under his chin, and his long
lank limbs and posteriors exposed to the wind, made a very
picturesque appearance, when illuminated by the links and
torches which the servants held up to light him in his descent.
All the company stood round the ladder, except the knight,
who sat in the chair, exclaiming, from time to time, '' Lord
have mercy upon us ! — save the gentleman's life — mind your
footing, dear captain ! softly ! — stand fast ! — clasp the ladder
with both hands ! — there ! — well done, my dear boy ! — O
bravo ! — an old soldier for ever ! — bring a blanket — bring a
warm blanket to comfort his poor carcase — warm the bed in
the green room — give me your hand, dear captain — I'm re-
joiced to see thee safe and sound, with all my heart." Lis-
mahago was received at the foot of the ladder by his inamo-
rata, who, snatching a blanket from one of the maids, wrapped
it about his body ; two men-servants took him under the arms,
and a female conducted him to the green room, still accom-
panied by Mrs. Tabitha, who saw him fairly put to bed. Dur-
ing this whole transaction, he spoke not a syllable, but looked
exceedingly grim, sometimes at one, sometimes at another of
the spectators, who now adjourned in a body to the parlour
where we had supped, every one surveying another with
marks of astonishment and curiosity.

The knight being seated in an easy-chair, seized my uncle by
the hand, and, bursting into a long and loud laugh, '' Matt,"
cried he, " crown me with oak, or ivy, or laurel, or parsley,
or what you will, and acknowledge this to be a coupe de maitrc
in the way of waggery — ha, ha, ha ! — Such a camisicata, scag-
liata heffata! — O die roba! — O, what a subject! — O, what
caricatura! — O, for a Rosa, a Rembrandt, a Schalken! —
Zooks, ril give a hundred guineas to have it painted — what a
fine descent from the cross, or ascent to the gallows!
what lights and shadows ! — what a group below ! what
expression above ! — what an aspect ! — did you mind the
aspect ? — ha, ha, ha ! — and the limbs, and the muscles
— every toe denoted terror ! — ha, ha, ha ! — then the
blanket! — O, what costume! St. Andrew! St. Lazarus! St.
Barrabas ! — ha, ha, ha ! " — " After all then," cried Mr. Bram-
ble very gravely, '' this was no more than a false alarm. We
have been frightened out of our beds, and almost- out of our

316

HUMPHRY CLINKER

senses, for the joke's sake ! " — " Ay, and such a joke ! " cried
our landlord, " such a farce ! such a denouement ! such a catas-
trophe!''

" Have a little patience," replied our squire, '' we are not
yet come to the catastrophe; and pray God it may not turn
out a tragedy instead of a farce. The captain is one of those
saturnine subjects, who have no idea of humour. He never
laughs in his own person; nor can he bear that other people
should laugh at his expense. Besides, if the subject had been
properly chosen, the joke was too severe in all conscience."
— '* 'Sdeath ! " cried the knight, " I could not have bated him
an ace, had he been my own father; and as for the subject,
such another does not present itself once in half a century."
Here Mrs. Tabitha interposing, and bridling up, declared, she
did not see that Mr. Lismahago was a fitter subject for ridicule
than the knight himself; and that she was very much afraid,
he would very soon find he had mistaken his man. The bar-
onet was a good deal disconcerted by this intimation, saying,
that he must be a Goth and a barbarian, if he did not enter
into the spirit of such a happy and humorous contrivance. He
begged, however, that Mr. Bramble and his sister would bring
him to reason ; and this request was reinforced by Lady Bul-
ford, who did not fail to read the baronet a lecture upon his
indiscretion, which lecture he received with submission on one
side of the face, and a leer upon the other.

We now went to bed for the second time ; and before I got
up, my uncle had visited Lismahago in the green room, and
used such arguments with him, that, when we met in the par-
lour, he seemed to be quite appeased. He received the knight's
apology with a good grace, and even professed himself pleased
at finding he had contributed to the diversion of the company.
Sir Thomas shook him by the hand, laughing heartily; and
then desired a pinch of snuff, in token of perfect reconciliation.
The lieutenant putting his hand in his waistcoat pocket, pulled
out, instead of his own Scotch mull, a very fine gold snuff-
box, which he no sooner perceived than he said, " Here is a
small mistake.'' — " No mistake at all," cried the baronet ; '' a
fair exchange is no robbery. Oblige me so far, captain, as to
let me keep your mull as a memorial." — " Sir," said the lieu-
tenant, " the mull is much at your service ; but this machine

317

THE EXPEDITION OF

I can by no means retain. It looks like compounding a sort
of felony in the code of honour. Besides, I don't know but
there may be another joke in this conveyance; and I don't
fmd myself disposed to be brought upon the stage again. I
won't presume to make free with your pockets, but I beg you
will put it up again with your own hand." So saying, with a
certain austerity of aspect, he presented the snuff-box to the
knight, who received it in some confusion, and restored the
mull, which he would by no means keep, except on the terms
of exchange.

This transaction was like to give a grave cast to the con-
versation, when my uncle took notice that Mr. Justice Frog-
more had not made his appearance either at the night alarm,
or now at the general rendezvous. The baronet hearing Frog-
more mentioned, " Odso ! " cried he, " I had forgot the justice.
Prithee, doctor, go and bring him out of his kennel." Then
laughing till his sides were well shaken, he said he would
show the captain, that he was not the only person of the drama
exhibited for the entertainment of the company. As to the
night scene, it could not affect the justice, who had been pur-
posely lodged in the farther end of the house, remote from the
noise, and lulled with a dose of opium into the bargain. In a
few minutes, Mr. Justice was led into the parlour in his night-
cap and loose morning-gown, rolling his head from side to
side, and groaning piteously all the way. " Jesu ! neighbour
Frogmore," exclaimed the baronet, " what is the matter; you
look as if you was not a man for this world. Set him down
softly on the couch — poor gentleman ? Lord have mercy upon
us ! — What makes him so pale, and yellow, and bloated ! " —
" Oh, Sir Thomas ! " cried the justice, " I doubt it is all over
with me. These mushrooms I ate at your table have done my
business — ah ! oh ! hey ! " — " Now the Lord forbid ! " said the
other ; '' what ! man — have a good heart. How does thy stom-
ach feel? — hah."

To this interrogation he made no reply, but throwing aside
his niehteown, discovered that his waistcoat would not meet
upon his belly by five good inches at least. " Heaven protect
us all," cried Sir Thomas ; '' what a melancholy spectacle ; —
never did I see a man so suddenly swelled, but when he was
either just dead, or just dying — Doctor, canst thou do nothing

318

HUMPHRY CLINKER

for this poor object? " — " I don't think the case is quite des-
perate," said the surgeon, " but I would advise Mr. Frogmore
to settle his affairs with all expedition ; the parson may come
and pray by him, while I prepare a clyster and an emetic
draught." The justice rolling his languid eyes, ejaculated
with great fervency, " Lord have mercy upon us ! Christ have
mercy upon us ! " Then he begged the surgeon, in the name
of God, to despatch — " As for my worldly affairs," said he,
" they are all settled but one mortgage, which must be left to
my heirs — but, my poor soul ! my poor soul ! what will become
of my poor soul ? — miserable sinner that I am ! " — " Nay,
prithee, my dear boy, compose thyself," resumed the knight;
" consider the mercy of Heaven is infinite ; thou canst not
have any sins of a very deep dye on thy conscience, or the
devil's in't." — '' Name not the devil," exclaimed the terrified
Frogmore, " I have more sins to answer for than the world
dreams of. Ah ! friend, I have been sly — sly— d — n'd sly ! —
Send for the parson without loss of time, and put me to bed,
for I am posting to eternity." He was accordingly raised

' from the couch, and supported by two servants, who led him
back to his room ; but before he quitted the parlour, he en-
treated the good company to assist him with their prayers. He
added, " Take warning by me, who am suddenly cut off in
my prime, like a flower of the field ; and God forgive you. Sir
Thomas, for suffering such poisonous trash to be eaten at
your table."

He was no sooner removed out of hearing than the bar-
onet abandoned himself to a violent fit of laughing, in which
he was joined by the greatest part of the company ; but we
could hardly prevent the good lady from going to undeceive
the patient, by discovering, that, while he slept, his waistcoat

!' had been straitened by the contrivance of the surgeon ; and

that the disorder in his stomach and bowels was occasioned

' by some antimonial wine, which he had taken overnight,

■ under the denomination of plague-water. She seemed to

' think that his apprehension might put an end to his life. The

knight swore he was no such chicken, but a tough old rogue,

. that would live long enough to plague all his neighbours.

Upon inquiry we found his character did not entitle him to

319

THE EXPEDITION OF

much compassion or respect, and therefore we let our land-
lord's humour take its course.

A clyster was actually administered by an old woman oi
the family, who had been Sir Thomas's nurse, and the pa-
tient took a draught made of oxymel of squills to forward
the operation of the antimonial wine, which had been re-
tarded by the opiate of the preceding night. He was visited
by the vicar, who read prayers, and began to take an account
of the state of his soul, when those medicines produced their
efifect ; so that the parson was obliged to hold his nose while
he poured forth spiritual consolation from his mouth. The
same expedient was used by the knight and me, who, with
the doctor, entered the chamber at this juncture, and found
Frogmore enthroned on an easing-chair, under the pressure
of a double evacuation. The short intervals betwixt every
heave he employed in crying for mercy, confessing his sins,
or asking the vicar's opinion of his case ; and the vicar an-
swered, in a solemn snuffling tone, that heightened the ridi-
cule of the scene. The emetic having done its office, the doc-
for interfered, and ordered the patient to be put in bed again.
When he examined the egesta, and felt his pulse, he declared
that much of the virus was discharged ; and, giving him a
composing draught, assured him he had good hopes of his
recovery. This welcome hint he received with tears of joy
in his eyes, protesting, that, if he should recover, he would
always think himself indebted for his life to the great skill
and tenderness of his doctor, whose hands he squeezed with
great fervour ; and thus he was left to his repose.

We were pressed to stay dinner, that we might be wit-
nesses of his resuscitation ; but my uncle insisted upon our
departing before noon, that we might reach this town before
it should be dark. In the meantime, Lady Bulford con-
ducted us into the garden to see a fish pond, just finished,
which Mr. Bramble censured as being too near the parlour,
where the knight now sat by himself, dozing In an elbow-
chair, after the fatigues of his morning achievement. In this
situation he reclined with his feet wrapped in flannel, and
supported in a line with his body, when the door flying open
with a violent shock, Lieutenant Lismahago rushed into the
room, with horror in his looks, exclaiming, " A mad dog ! a

320

^»< •0-.3U t^uA.^. VimkAwt ■

Lismahago's Retaliation

HUMPHRY CLINKER

mad dog ! " and throwing up the window sash, leaped into
the garden. Sir Thomas, waked by this tremendous ex-
clamation, started up, and forgetting his gout, followed the
lieutenant's example by a kind of instinctive impulse. He
not only bolted through the window like an arrow from a
bow, but ran up to his middle in the pond before he gave
the least sign of recollection. Then the captain began to
bawl, " Lord have mercy upon us ! pray take care of the
gentleman! — for God's sake mind your footing, my dear
boy! — get warm blankets — comfort his poor carcase — warm
the bed in the green room."

Lady Bulford was thunderstruck at this phenomenon, and
the rest of the company gazed in silent astonishment, while
the servants hastened to assist their master, who suffered
himself to be carried back into the parlour without speaking
a word. Being instantly accommodated with dry clothes
and flannels, comforted with a cordial, and replaced m statu
quo, one of the maids was ordered to chafe his lower extremi-
ties, an operation in consequence of which his senses seemed
to return, and his good-humour to revive. As we had fol-
lowed him into the room, he looked at every individual in his
turn, with a certain ludicrous expression in his countenance,
but fixed his eye in particular upon Lismahago, who pre-
sented him with a pinch of snufif; and when he took it in
silence, " Sir Thomas Bulford," said he, " I am much obliged
to you for all your favours, and some of them I have en-
deavoured to repay in your own coin." — " Give me thy
hand," cried the baronet ; " thou hast indeed paid me scot and
lot; and even left a balance in my hands, for which, in
presence of this company, I promise to be accountable." So
saying, he laughed very heartily, and even seemed to enjoy
the retaliation which had been exacted at his own expense ;
but Lady Bulford looked very grave ; and, in all probability,
thought the lieutenant had carried his resentment too far,
considering that her husband was valetudinary — but, accord-
ing to the proverb, he that will play at bowls must expect to
meet zvith rubbers.

I have seen a tame bear, very diverting when properly
managed, become a very dangerous wild beast when teased
for the entertainment of the spectators. As for Lismahago,

321

THE EXPEDITION OF

he seemed to think the fright and the cold bath would have
a good efiect upon the patient's constitution ; but the doctor
hinted some apprehension that the gouty matter might, by
such a sudden shock, be repelled from the extremities, and
thrown upon some of the more vital parts of the machine.
I should be very sorry to see this prognostic verified upon
our facetious landlord, who told Mrs. Tabitha at parting,
that he hoped she would remember him in the distribution
of the bride's favours, as he had taken so much pains to put
the captain's parts and mettle to the proof. After all, I am
afraid our squire will appear to be the greatest sufferer by the
baronet's wit ; for his constitution is by no means calculated
for night alarms. He has yawned and shivered all day, and
gone to bed without supper; so that, as we have got into
good quarters, I imagine we shall make a halt to-morrow;
in which case, you will have at least one day's respite from
the persecution of J. Melford.

Oct. 3.

To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton Hall

Dear Mary,-— Miss Liddy is so good as to unclose me in
a kiver as fur as Gloster, and the carrier will bring it to hand.
God send us all safe to Monmouthshire, for I'm quite jaded
with rambling. 'Tis true saying, live and learn. O woman,
what chuckling and changing have I seen ! — Well, there's
nothin sartin in this world — Who would have thought that
mistriss, after all the pains taken for the good of her prusias
sole, would go for to throw away her poor body? that she
would cast the heys of infection upon such a carrying crow
as Lashmyhago! as old as Mathewsulhn, as dry as a red
herring, and as pore as a starved veezel — O Molly! hadst
thou seen him come down the ladder, in a shurt so scanty,
that it could not kiver his nakedness! The young squire
called him Dunquickset ; but he looked for all the world like
Cradoc-ap-Morgan, the ould tinker that suffered at Aber-
gany for stealing of kettle. Then he's a profane scuffle, and,
as Mr. Clinker says, no better than an imp-fiddle, contin-
ually playing upon the pyebill, and the new burth. I doubt
he has as little manners as money; for he can't say a civil

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

word, much more make me a present of a pair of gloves for
good will ; but he looks as if he wanted to be very foreward
and familiar. O ! that ever a gentlewoman of years and dis-
cretion should tare her air, and cry, and disporridge herself
for such a nubjack ! as the song goes —

I vow she would fain have a burd
That bids such a price for an owl.

But, for sartain, he must have dealt with some Scotch
musician to bring her to this pass ; as for me, I put my trust
in the Lord, and I have got a slice of witch-elm sowed in the
gathers of my under petticoat ; and Mr. Clinker assures me
that, by the new light of grease, I may defy the devil and all
his works ; but I nose what I nose. If mistress should take
up with Lashmyhago, this is no sarvice for me. Thank God,
there's not want of places, and if it wan't for one thing, I
would — but, no matter. Madam Baynar's woman has
twenty good pounds a year and parquisites, and dresses like
a parson of distinkson. I dined with her and the valey de
shambles, with bags and golden jackets ; but there was noth-
ing kimfittable to eat, being as how they live upon board,
and having nothing but a piss of could cuddling tart and
some blamangey, I was tuck with the cullick, and a murcy it
was that mistress had her viol of assings in the cox.

But, as I was saying, I think for sartin this match will go
forewood ; for things are come to a creesus, and I have seen
with my own heys such smuggling — but I scorn for to ex-
close the secrets of the family ; and if it wance comes to mar-
rying, who nose but the frolic may go round. I believes as
how Miss Liddy would have no reversion if her swan would
appear; and you would be surprised, Molly, to receive a
bride's fever from your humble sarvant ; but this is all sup-
pository, dear girl, and I have sullenly promised to Mr.
Clinker, that neither man, woman, nor child, shall no that
arrow said a civil thing to me in the way of infection. I
hopes to drink your health at Brambleton Hall, in a horn of
October, before the month be out. Pray let my bed be
turned once a-day, and the windore opened, while the
weather is dry; and burn a few billets with some brush in
the footman's garret, and see their mattrash be dry as a

323

THE EXPEDITION OF

bone ; for both our gentlemen have got a sad could by lying
in damp shits at Sir Pummus Ballfart's. No more at present,
but my sarvice to Saul and the rest of our fellow-sarvants,
being Dear Mary Jones, always yours,

Oct. 4. Win. Jenkins.

To Miss L^titia Willis, at Gloucester.

My Dear Letty, — This method of writing to you from
time to time, without any hopes of an answer, affords
me, I own, some ease and satisfaction in the midst of my dis-
quiet, as it in some degree lightens the burden of affliction ;
but it is at best a very imperfect enjoyment of friendship,
because it admits of no return of confidence and good coun-
sel. I would give the whole world to have your company
for a single day. I am heartily tired of this itinerant way of
life. I am quite dizzy with a perpetual succession of objects;
besides, it is impossible to travel such a length of way with-
out being exposed to inconveniences, dangers, and disagree-
able accidents, which prove very grievous to a poor creature
of weak nerves hke me, and make me pay very dear for the
gratification of my curiosity.

Nature never intended me for the busy world ; I long
for repose and solitude, where I can. enjoy that disinterested
friendship which is not to be found among crowds, and in-
dulge those pleasing reveries that shun the hurry and tumult
of fashionable society. Unexperienced as I am in the com-
merce of life, I have seen enough to give me a disgust to the
generality of those who carry it on; there is such malice,
treachery, and dissimulation, even among professed friends
and intimate companions, as cannot fail to strike a virtuous
mind with horror; and when vice quits the stage for a mo-
ment, her place is immediately occupied by folly, which is
often too serious to excite anything but compassion. Perhaps
I ought to be silent on the foibles of my poor aunt ; but with
you, my dear Willis, I have no secrets ; and truly her weak-
nesses are such as cannot be concealed. Since the first mo-
ment we arrived at Bath, she has been employed constantly
in spreading nets for the other sex; and at length she has
caught a superannuated lieutenant, who is in a fair way to

324

HUMPHRY CLINKER

make her change her name. My uncle and my brother seem
to have no objection to this extraordinary match, which, I
make no doubt, will afford abundance of matter of conversa-
tion and mirth ; for my part, I am too sensible of my own
weaknesses to be diverted with those of other people. At
present I have something at heart that employs my whole
attention, and keeps my mind in the utmost terror and sus-
pense.

Yesterday, in the forenoon, as I stood with my brother at
the parlour window of an inn where we had lodged, a per-
son passed a-horseback, whom, gracious Heaven ! I instantly
discovered to be Wilson ! He wore a white riding coat, with
the cape buttoned up to his chin ; looked remarkably pale,
and passed at a round trot, without seeming to ob-
serve us ; indeed he could not see us, for there was a
blind that concealed us from the view. You may guess
how I was affected at this apparition. The light for-
sook my eyes, and I was seized with such a palpitation and
trembling, that I could not stand. I sat down upon a
couch, and strove to compose myself, that my brother might
not perceive my agitation ; but it was impossible to escape his
prying eyes. He had observed the object that alarmed me,
and doubtless knew him at the first glance. He now looked
at me with a stern countenance, then he ran out into the
street, to see what road the unfortunate horseman had taken.
He afterwards despatched his man for farther intelligence,
and seemed to meditate some violent design. My uncle
being out of order, we remained another night at the inn ;
and all day long Jerry acted the part of an indefatigable spy
upon my conduct ; he watched my very looks with such
eagerness of attention, as if he would have penetrated into
the inmost recesses of my heart. This may be owing to his
regard for my honour, if it is not the effect of his own pride ;
but he is so hot, and violent, and unrelenting, that the sight
of him alone throws me into a flutter; and really it will not
be in my power to afford him any share of my affection, if he
persists in persecuting me at this rate. I am afraid he has
forined some scheme of vengeance, which will make me com-
pletely wretched ! I am afraid he suspects some collusion
from this appearance of Wilson. Good God ! did he really

325

THE EXPEDITION OF

appear! or was it only a phantom, a pale spectre to apprise
me of his death !

O Letty, what shall I do ? where shall I turn for advice and
consolation ? shall I implore the protection of my uncle, who '
has been always kind and compassionate ? — this must be my
last resource. I dread the thoughts of making him uneasy,
and would rather suffer a thousand deaths than live the
cause of dissension in the family. I cannot perceive the
meanmg of Wilson's coming hither ; perhaps he was in quest
of us, in order to disclose his real name and situation ; but
wherefore pass without staying to make the least inquiry?
My dear Willis, I am lost in conjecture ; I have not closed an
eye since I saw him. All night long have I been tossed about
from one imagination to another. The reflection finds no
resting-place. I have prayed, and sighed, and wept plenti-
fully. If this terrible suspense continues much longer, I shall
have another fit of illness, and then the whole family will be
in confusion. If it was consistent with the wise purposes of
Providence, would I were in my grave ; but it is my duty to
be resigned. My dearest Letty, excuse my weakness, excuse
these blots ; my tears fall so fast that I cannot keep the paper
dry ; yet I ought to consider that I have as yet no cause to
despair ; but I am such a faint-hearted, timorous creature !

Thank God, my uncle is much better than he was yester-
day ; he is resolved to pursue our journey straight to Wales.
I hope we shall take Gloucester in our way ; that hope cheers
my poor heart : I shall once more embrace my best beloved
Willis, and pour all my griefs into her friendly bosom. Q
Heaven ! is it possible that such happiness is reserved for
The dejected and forlorn

October 4. Lydia Melford.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, of Jesus College, Oxon.

Dear Watkin, — I yesterday met with an accident which
I believe you will own to be very surprising. As I stood with
Liddy at the window of the inn where we had lodged, who
should pass by but Wilson a-horseback? I could not be
mistaken in the person, for I had a full view of him as he ad-
vanced ; I plainly perceived by my sister's confusion that she

326

HUMPHRY CLINKER

recognised him at the same time. I was equally astonished
and incensed at his appearance, which I could not but inter-
pret into an insult, or something worse. I ran out at the
gate, and, seeing him turn the corner of the street, I des-
patched my servant to observe his motions, but the fellow
was too late to bring me that satisfaction. He told me, how-
ever, that there was an inn, called the Red Lion, at that end
of the town, where he supposed the horseman had alighted,
but that he would not inquire without farther orders. I sent
him back immediately to know what strangers were in the
house, and he returned with a report that there was one Mr.
Wilson lately arrived. In consequence of this information,
I charged him with a note directed to that gentleman, desir-
ing him to meet me in half an hour, in a certain field at the
town's end, with a case of pistols, in order to decide the dif-
ference which could not be determined at our last rencontre ;
but I did not think proper to subscribe the billet. My man
assured me he had delivered it into his own hand ; and that,
having read it, he declared he would wait upon the gentle-
man at the place and time appointed.

M'Alpin being an old soldier, and luckily sober at the time,
I intrusted him with my secret. I ordered him to be within
call ; and, having given him a letter to be delivered to my
uncle in case of accident, I repaired to the rendezvous, which
was an enclosed field at a little distance from the highway. I
found my antagonist had already taken his ground, wrapped
in a dark horseman's coat, with a laced hat flapped over his
eyes ; but what was my astonishment, when, throwing off his
wrapper, he appeared to be a person whom I had never seen
before ! He had one pistol stuck in a leather belt, and an-
other in his hand ready for action, and, advancing a few
steps, called to know if I was ready ; I answered " No," and
desired a parley ; upon which he turned the muzzle of his
piece towards the earth, then replaced it in his belt, and met
me half-way.

When I assured him he was not the man I expected to
meet, he said it might be so; that he had received a slip of
paper directed to Mr. Wilson, requesting him to come
hither; and that, as there was no other in the place of that
name, he naturally concluded the note was intended for him,

327

THE EXPEDITION OF

and him only. I then gave him to understand that I had

been injured by a person who assumed that name, which per-
son I had actually seen within the hour, passing through the
street on horseback ; that hearing there was a Mr. Wilson
at the Red Lion, I took it for granted he was the man, and
in that belief had writ the billet ; and I expressed my sur-
prise, that he, who was a stranger to me and my concerns,
should give me such a rendezvous, without taking the trouble
to demand a previous explanation. He replied that there
was no other of his name in the whole country ; that no such
horseman had alighted at the Red Lion since nine o'clock,
when he arrived ; that, having had the honour to serve his
Majesty, he thought he could not decently decline any in-
vitation of this kind, from what quarter soever it might
come ; and that, if any explanation was necessary, it did not
belong to him to demand it, but to the gentleman who sum-
moned him into the field.

Vexed as I was at this adventure, I could not help admir-
ing the coolness of this officer, whose open countenance pre-
possessed me in his favour. He seemed to be turned of forty ;
wore his own short black hair, which curled naturally about
his ears, and was very plain in his apparel. When I begged
pardon for the trouble I had given him, he received my apol-
ogy with great good-humour. He told me that he lived
about ten miles off, at a small farm-house, which would af-
ford me tolerable lodging, if I would come and take the
diversion of hunting with him for a few weeks ; in which case,
we might perhaps find out the man who had given me of-
fence. I thanked him very sincerely for his courteous offer,
which, I told him, I was not at liberty to accept at present,
on account of my being engaged in a family party ; and so
we parted, with mutual expressions of goodwill and esteem.

Now tell me, dear knight, what am I to make of this singu-
lar adventure? Am I to suppose that the horseman I saw
was really a thing of flesh and blood, or a bubble that van-
ished into air ; or must I imagine Liddy knows more of the
matter than she chooses to disclose? If I thought her capa-
ble of carrying on any clandestine correspondence with such
a fellow, I should at once discard all tenderness, and forget
that she was connected with me by the ties of blood. But how

328

HUMPHRY CLINKER

is it possible that a girl of her simplicity and inexperience
should maintain such an intercourse, surrounded as she is
with so many eyes, destitute of all opportunity, and shifting
quarters every day of her life? Besides, she has solemnly
promised — No, I can't think the girl so base, so insensible to
the honour of her family. What disturbs me chiefly is the
impression which these occurrences seem to make upon her
spirits. These are the symptoms from which I conclude that
the rascal has still a hold on her affection — surelv T have a
right to call him a rascal, and to conclude that his designs
are infamous ; but it shall be my fault if he does not one day
repent his presumption, I confess I cannot think, much less
write on this subject with any degree of temper or patience ;
I shall therefore conclude with telling you, that we hope to
be in Wales by the latter end of the month ; but before that
period you will probably hear again from
Your affectionate,
October 4. J. Meli'ord.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon.

Dear Phillips, — When I wrote you by last post, I did
not imagine I should be tempted to trouble you again so
soon ; but I now sit down with a heart so full, that it cannot
contain itself; though I am under such agitation of spirits,
that you are to expect neither method nor connexion in this
address. We have been this day within a hair's-breadth of
losing honest Matthew Bramble, in consequence of a cursed
accident, which I will endeavour to explain. In crossing
the country to get into the post-road, it was necessary to ford
a river, and we that were a-horseback passed without any
danger or difificulty ; but a great quantity of rain having
fallen last night and this morning, there was such an accu-
mulation of water, that a mill-head gave way, just as the
coach was passing under it, and the flood rushed down with
such Impetuosity, as first floated, and then fairly overturned
the carriage in the middle of the stream.

Lismahago and I, and the two servants, alighting instan-
taneously, ran into the river to give all the assistance in our
power. Our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, who had the good fortune

329

THE EXPEDITION OF

to be uppermost, was already half-way out of the coach win-
dow, when her lover approaching, disengaged her entirely;
but, whether his foot slipped, or the burthen was too great,
they fell over head and ears in each other's arms. He endeav-
oured more than once to get up, and even to disentangle
himself from her embrace, but she hung about his neck like
a millstone (no bad emblem of matrimony) ; and if my man
had not proved a staunch auxiliary, those two lovers would
in all probability have gone hand in hand to the shades be-
low. For my part, I was too much engaged to take any cog-
nisance of their distress. I snatched out my sister by the
hair of the head, and, dragging her to the bank, recollected
that my uncle had not yet appeared. Rushing again into the
stream, I met Clinker haling ashore Mrs. Jenkins, who
looked like a mermaid with her hair dishevelled about her
ears ; but when I asked if his master was safe, he forthwith
shook her from him, and she must have gone to pot, if a
miller had not seasonably come to her relief.

As for Humphry, he flew like lightning to the coach, that
was by this time filled with water, and, diving into it, brought
up the poor squire, to all appearance deprived of life. It is
not in my power to describe what I felt at this melancholy
spectacle. It was such an agony as baffles all description !
The faithful Clinker, taking him up in his arms, as if he had
been an infant of six months, carried him ashore, howling
most piteously all the way, and I followed him in a transport
of grief and consternation. When he was laid upon the
grass, and turned from side to side, a great quantity of water
ran out at his mouth, then he opened his eyes, and fetched a
deep sigh. Clinker, perceiving these signs of life, immedi-
ately tied up his arm with a garter, and, pulling out a horse-
fleam, let him blood in the farrier style. At first a few drops
only issued from the orifice : but the arm being chafed, in a
little time the blood began to flow in a continued stream ;
and he uttered some incoherent words, which were the most
welcome sounds that ever saluted my ear. There was a
country inn hard by, the landlord of which had by this time
come with his people to give their assistance. Thither my
uncle being carried, was undressed, and put to bed, wrapped
in warm blankets; but having been moved too soon, he

330

HUMPHRY CLINKER

fainted away, and once more lay without sense or motion,
notwithstanding all the efforts of Clinker and the landlord,
who bathed his temples with Hungary-water, and held a
smelling-bottle to his nose.

As I had heard of the efficacy of salt in such cases, I or-
dered all that was in the house to be laid under his head and
body; and whether this application had the desired effect,
or Nature of herself prevailed, he, in less than a quarter of an
hour, began to breathe regularly, and soon retrieved his
recollection, to the unspeakable joy of all the bystanders.
As for Clinker, his brain seemed to be affected. He laughed
and wept, and danced about in such a distracted manner,
that the landlord very judiciously conveyed him out of the
room. My uncle, seeing me dropping wet, comprehended the
whole of what had happened, and asked if all the company
was safe. Being answered in the affirmative, he insisted
upon my putting on dry clothes; and, having swallowed a
little warm wine, desired he might be left to his repose. Be-
fore I went to shift myself, I inquired about the rest of the
family. I found Mrs. Tabitha still delirious from her fright,
discharging very copiously the water she had swallowed.
She was supported by the captain, distilling drops from his
uncurled periwig, so lank and so dank, that he looked like
Father Thame without his sedges, embracing Isis, while she
cascaded in his urn. Mrs. Jenkins was present also in a loose
bedgown, without either cap or handkerchief; but she
seemed to be as little compos mentis as her mistress, and acted
so many cross purposes in the course of her attendance, that,
between the two, Lismahago had occasion for all his philoso-
phy. As for Liddy, I thought the poor girl would have ac-
tually lost her senses. The good woman of the house had
shifted her linen, and put her into bed ; but she was seized
with the idea that her uncle had perished, and, in this persua-
sion, made a dismal outcry ; nor did she pay the least regard
to what I said, when I solemnly assured her he was safe.

Mr. Bramble hearing the noise, and being informed of her
apprehension, desired she might be brought into his cham-
ber ; and she no sooner received this intimation, than she ran
thither half-naked, with the wildest expression of eagerness
in her countenance. Seeing the squire sitting up in the bed,

331

THE EXPEDITION OF

she sprung forwards, and throwing her arms about his neck,
exclaimed, in a most pathetic tone, " Are you — are you in-
deed my uncle — my dear uncle ! — my best friend ! — my
father 1 Are you really living ? or is it an illusion of my poor
brain ? " Honest Matthew was so much affected, that he
could not help shedding tears, while he kissed her forehead,
saying, " My dear Liddy, I hope I shall live long enough to
show how sensible I am of your affection. But your spirits
are fluttered, child — you want rest — go to bed and compose
yourself " — '' Well, I will," she replied ; " but still methinks
this cannot be real. The coach was full of water — my uncle
was under us all. Gracious God ! — you was under water —
how did you get out ? Tell me that ; or I shall think this is
all a deception." — " In what manner I was brought out, I
know as little as you do, my dear," said the squire ; " and
truly that is a circumstance of which I want to be informed."
I would have given him a detail of the whole adventure, but
he would not hear me until I should change my clothes ; so
that I had only time to tell him, that he owed his life to the
courage and fidelity of Clinker ; and, having given him this
hint, I conducted my sister to her own chamber.

This accident happened about three o'clock in the after-
noon, and in little more than half an hour the hurricane was
all over ; but as the carriage was found to be so much dam-
aged, that it could not proceed without considerable repairs,
a blacksmith and wheelwright were immediately sent for to
the next market town, and we congratulated ourselves upon
being housed at an inn, which, though remote from the post-
road, afforded exceeding good lodging. The women being
pretty well composed, and the men all afoot, my uncle sent
for his servant, and, in the presence of Lismahago and me,
accosted him in these words — " So, Clinker, I find you are
resolved I shan't die by water. As you have fished me up
from the bottom at your own risk, you are at least entitled
to all the money that was in my pocket, and there it is." So
saying, he presented him with a purse containing thirty
guineas, and a ring nearly of the same value. " God for-
bid ! " cried Clinker — " your honour shall excuse me. I am
a poor fellow ; but I have a heart. O ! if your honour did
but know how I rejoiced to see — blessed be his holy name,

HUMPHRY CLINKER

that made me the humble instrument — but as for the lucre
of gain, I renounce it — I have clone no more than my duty —
no more than I would have done for the most worthless of
my fellow-creatures — no more than I would have done for
Captain Lismahago, or Archy M'Alpin, or any other sinner
upon earth — but for your worship, I would go through fire
as well as water."

" 1 do believe it, Humphry/' said the squire ; *' but as you
think it was your duty to save my life at the hazard of your
own, I think it is mine to express the sense I have of your
extraordinary fidelity and attachment. I insist upon your
receiving this small token of my gratitude ; but don't imagine
that I look upon this as an adequate recompense for the
service you have done me. I have determined to settle thirty
pounds a year upon you for life ; and I desire these gentlemen
will bear witness to this my intention, of which I have a
memorandum in my pocket-book." — " Lord make me thank-
ful for all these mercies ! " cried Clinker, sobbing ; " I have
been a poor bankrupt from the beginning. Your honour's
goodness found me when I was — naked — when I was — sick
and forlorn — I understand your honour's looks — I would not
give offence — but my heart is very full — and if your worship
won't give me leave to speak — I must vent it in prayers to
Heaven for my benefactor." When he quitted the room,
Lismahago said, he should have a much better opinion of his
honesty, if he did not whine and cant so abominably ; but
that he had always observed those weeping and praying fel-
lows were hypocrites at bottom. Mr. Bramble made no re-
ply to this sarcastic remark, proceeding from the lieutenant's
resentment of Clinker's having, in pure simplicity of heart,
ranked him with M'Alpin anc^ the sinners of the earth.

The landlord being called to receive some orders about the
beds, told the squire, that his house was very much at his
service, but he was sure he should not have the honour to
lodge him and his company. He gave us to understand, that
his master, who lived hard by, would not suffer us to be at a
public-house, when there was accommodation for us at his
own ; and that, if he had not dined abroad in the neighbour-
hood, he would have undoubtedly come to offer hi^ services
at our first arrival. He then launched out in praise of that

333

THE EXPEDITION OF

gentleman, whom he had served as butler, representing him
as a perfect miracle of goodness and generosity. He said
he was a person of great learning, and allowed to be the best
farmer in the country — that he had a lady who was as much
beloved as himself, and an only son, a very hopeful young
gentleman, just recovered from a dangerous fever, which had
like to have proved fatal to the whole family ; for, if the son
had died, he was sure the parents would not have survived
their loss.

He had not yet finished the encomium of Mr. Dennison,
when this gentleman arrived in a post-chaise, and his appear-
ance seemed to justify all that had been said in his favour.
He is pretty well advanced in years, but hale, robust, and
florid, with an ingenuous countenance, expressive of good
sense and humanity. Having condoled with us on the acci-
dent which had happened, he said he was come to conduct
us to his habitation, where we should be less incommoded
than at such a paltry inn, and expressed his hope that the
ladies would not be the worse for going thither in his car-
riage, as the distance was not above a quarter of a mile. My
uncle having made a proper return to this courteous exhibi-
tion, eyed him attentively, and then asked if he had not been
at Oxford, a commoner of Queen's College. When Mr.
Dennison answered, " Yes," with some marks of surprise,
" Look at me, then," said our squire, " and let us see if you
can recollect the features of an old friend, whom you have
not seen these forty years." The gentleman, taking him by
the hand, and gazing at him earnestly, " I protest ! " cried
he, ** I do think I recall the idea of Matthew Lloyd of Gla-
morganshire, who was student of Jesus." — " Well remem-
bered, my dear friend Charley Dennison ! " exclaimed my
uncle, pressing him to his breast, " I am that very identical
Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan."

Clinker, who had just entered the room with some coals
for the fire, no sooner heard these words, than, throwing
down the scuttle on the toes of Lismahago, he began to
caper as if he was mad, crying, '* Matthew Lloyd of Glamor-
gan ! — O Providence ! — Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan ! "
Then, clasping my uncle's knees, he went on in this manner.
*" Your worship must forgive me — Matthew Lloyd of Gla-

334

HUMPHRY CLINKER

morgan! — O Lord, sir! — I can't contain myself! — I shall
lose my senses " — " Nay, thou hast lost them already, I
believe," said the squire peevishly ; " prithee, Clinker, be
quiet — What is the matter?" Humphry, fumbling in his
bosom, pulled out an old wooden snuff-box, which he pre-
sented in great trepidation to his master, who, opening it
immediately, perceived a small cornelian seal, and two scraps
of paper. At sight of these articles he started, and changed
colour, and casting his eye upon the inscriptions, '' Ha ! —
how ! — what 1 — where ! " cried he, " is the person here
named ! " — Clinker, knocking his own breast, could hardly
pronounce these words — " Here — here — here is Matthew
Lloyd, as the certificate showeth — Humphry Clinker was the
name of the farrier that took me 'prentice." — " And who
gave you these tokens ? " said my uncle hastily. " My poor
mother on her deathbed," replied the other. " And who was
your mother?" — ''Dorothy Twyford, an' please your hon-
our, heretofore barkeeper at the Angel at Chippenham." —
" And why were not these tokens produced before ? " — " My
mother told me she had wrote to Glamorganshire, at the
time of my birth, but had no answer; and that afterwards,
when she made inquiry, there was no such person in that
county," — " And so, in consequence of my changing my
name, and going abroad at that very time, thy poor mother
and thou have been left to want and misery. I am really
shocked at the consequence of my own folly." Then, laying
his hand on Clinker's head, he added, " Stand forth, Matthew
Lloyd. You see, gentlemen, how the sins of my youth rise
up in judgment against me. Here is my direction written
with my own hand, and a seal which I left at the woman's
request ; and this is a certificate of the child's baptism, signed
by the curate of the parish."

The company were not a little surprised at this discovery;
upon which Mr. Dennison facetiously congratulated both the
father and the son : for my part, I shook my new-found cousin
heartily by the hand ; and Lismahago complimented him with
the tears in his eyes, for he had been hopping about the room,
swearing in broad Scotch, and bellowing with the pain occa-
sioned by the fall of the coal-scuttle upon his foot. He had
even vowed to drive the sanl out of the body of that mad

335

THE EXPEDITION OF

rascal ; but, perceiving the unexpected turn which things had
talven, he wished him joy of his good fortune, observing that
it went very near his heart, as he was Hke to be a great toe
out of pocket by the discovery. Mr. Dennison now desired
to know for what reason my uncle had changed the name by
which he knew him at Oxford; and our squire satisfied him,
by answering to this effect : " I took my mother's name,
which was Lloyd, as heir to her lands in Glamorganshire ; but,
when I came of age, I sold that property, in order to clear my
paternal estate, and resumed my real name ; so that I am now
Matthew Bramble of Brambleton Hall, in Monmouthshire, at
your service ; and this is my nephew, Jeremy Melford of Bel-
field, in the county of Glamorgan."

At that instant the ladies entering the room, he presented
Mrs. Tabitha as his sister, and Liddy as his niece. The old
gentleman saluted them very cordially, and seemed struck with
the appearance of my sister, whom he could not help survey-
ing with a mixture of complacency and surprise. " Sister,"
said my uncle, " there is a poor relation that recommends him-
self to your good graces. The quondam Humphry Clinker is
metamorphosed mto Matthew Lloyd, and claims the honour
of being your carnal kinsman. In short, the rogue proves to
be a crab of my own planting, in the days of hot blood and
unrestrained libertinism." CHnker had by this time dropped
upon one knee, by the side of Mrs. Tabitha, who, eyeing him
askance, and flirting her fan with marks of agitation, thought
proper, after some conflict, to hold out her hand for him to
kiss, saying, with a demure aspect, " Brother, you have been
very wicked; but I hope you'll live to see the folly of your
ways. I am very sorry to say, the young man, whom you
have this day acknowledged, has more grace and religion, by
the gift of God, than you with all your profane learning and
repeated opportunity. I do think he has got the trick of the
eye, and the tip of the nose of my uncle Lloyd of Flluydwellin ;
and, as for the long chin, it is the very moral of the governor's.
Brother, as you have changed his name, pray change his dress
also; that livery doth not become any person that hath got
our blood in his veins."

Liddy seemed much pleased with this acquisition to the
family. She took him by the hand, declaring she should al-

336

HUMPHRY CLINKER

ways be proud to own her connexion with a virtuous young
man, who had given so many proofs of his gratitude and af-
fection to her uncle. Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, extremely
fluttered between her surprise at this discovery, and the ap-
prehension of losing her sweetheart, exclaimed in a giggling
tone, " I wish you joy, Mr. Clinker — Floyd, I would say — hi,
hi, hi ! — you'll be so proud, you won't look at your poor fellow-
servants, oh, oh, oh ! " Honest Clinker owned he was over-
joyed at his good fortune, which was greater than he deserved.
'* But wherefore should I be proud? " said he ; " a poor object,
conceived in sin, and brought forth in iniquity, nursed in a
parish workhouse, and bred in a smithy. Whenever I seem
proud, Mrs. Jenkins, I beg of you to put me in mind of the
condition I was in when I first saw you between Chippenham
and Marlborough."

When this momentous afifair was discussed to the satisfac-
tion of all parties concerned, the weather being dry, the ladies
declined the carriage; so that we walked all together to Mr.
Dennison's house, where we found the tea ready prepared by
his lady, an amiable matron, who received us with all the bene-
volence of hospitality. The house is old-fashioned and irregu-
lar, but lodgable and commodious. To the south it has the
river in front, at the distance of a hundred paces ; and on the
north there is a rising ground, covered with an agreeable plan-
tation ; the greens and walks are kept in the nicest order, and
all is rural and romantic. I have not yet seen the young
gentleman, who is on a visit to a friend in the neighbourhood,
from whose house he is not expected till to-morrow.

In the meantime, as there is a man going to the next market
town with letters for the post, I take this opportunity to send
you the history of this day, which has been remarkably full of
adventures; and you will own I give you them like a beef-
steak at Dolly's, hot and hot, without ceremony and parade,
just as they come from the recollections of Yours,

J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Dick, — Since the last trouble I gave you, I have met
with a variety of incidents, some of them of a singular nature.

337

THE EXPEDITION OF

which I reserve as a fund for conversation; but there are
others so interesting, that they will not keep in petto till meet-
ing.

Know then, it was a thousand pounds to a sixpence, that
you should now be executing my will, instead of perusing my
letter ! Two days ago, our coach was overturned in the midst
of a rapid river, where my life was saved with the utmost
difficulty, by the courage, activity, and presence of mind of
my servant Humphry Clinker. But this is not the most sur-
prising circumstance of the adventure. The said Humphry
Clinker proves to be Matthew Lloyd, natural son of one
Matthew Lloyd of Glamorgan, if you know any such person.
You see, doctor, that notwithstanding all your philosophy, it
is not without some reason that we Welshmen ascribe such
energy to the force of blood. But we shall discuss the point
on some future occasion.

This is not the only discovery which I made in consequence
of our disaster. We happened to be wrecked upon a friendly
shore. The lord of the manor is no other than Charles Denni-
son, our fellow-rake at Oxford. We are now happily housed
with that gentleman, who has really attained to that pitch of
rural felicity at which T have been aspiring these twenty years
in vain. He is blessed with a consort whose disposition is
suited to his own in all respects ; tender, generous, and benevo-
lent. She, moreover, possesses an uncommon share of under-
standing, fortitude, and discretion, and is admirably qualified
to be his companion, confidant, counsellor, and coadjutrix.
These excellent persons have an only son, about nineteen years
of age, just such a youth as they could have wished that
Heaven would bestow, to fill up the measure of their enjoy-
ment. In a word, they know no other allay to their happiness,
but their apprehension and anxiety about the life and concerns
of their beloved object.

Our old friend, who had the misfortune to be a second
brother, was bred to the law, and even called to the bar; but
he did nof find himself qualified to shine in that province, and
had very little inclination for his profession. He disobliged
his father by marrying for love, without any consideration of
fortune; so that he had little or nothing to depend upon for
some years but his practice, which afforded him a bare sub-

338

HUMPHRY CLINKER

sistence; and the prospect of an increasing family began to
give him disturbance and disquiet. In the meantime, his
father dying, was succeeded by his elder brother, a fox-hunter
and a sot, who neglected his affairs, insulted and oppressed
his servants, and in a few years had well-nigh ruined the
estate, when he was happily carried off by a fever, the imme-
diate consequence of a debauch. Charles, with the approba-
tion of his wife, immediately determined to quit business, and
retire into the country, although this resolution was strenuous-
ly and zealously opposed by every individual whom he con-
sulted on the subject. Those who had tried the experiment
assured him, that he could not pretend to breathe in the coun-
try for less than the double of what his estate produced ; that,
in order to be upon the footing of a gentleman, he would be
obliged to keep horses, hounds, carriages, with a suitable num-
ber of servants, and maintain an elegant table for the entertain-
ment of his neighbours; that farming was a mystery known
only to those who had been bred up to it from the cradle,
the success of it depending not only upon skill and industry,
but also upon such attention and economy as no gentleman
could be supposed to give or practise ; accordingly, every at-
tempt made by gentlemen miscarried, and not a few had been
ruined by their prosecution of agriculture. Nay, they affirmed,
that he would find it cheaper to buy hay and oats for his
cattle, and to go to market for poultry, eggs, kitchen herbs,
and roots, and every the most inconsiderable article of house-
keeping, than to have those articles produced on his own
ground.

These objections did not deter Mr. Dennison, because they
were chiefly founded upon the supposition that he would be
obliged to lead a life of extravagance and dissipation, which
he and his consort equally detested, despised, and determined
to avoid. The objects he had in view were, health of body,
peace of mind, and the private satisfaction of domestic quiet,
unallayed by actual want, and uninterrupted by the fears of
indigence. He was very moderate in his estimate of the neces-
saries, and even of the comforts of life. He required noth-
ing but wholesome air, pure water, agreeable exercise, plain
diet, convenient lodging, and decent apparel. He reflected
that, if a peasant, without education, or any great share of

339

THE EXPEDITION OF

natural sagacity, could maintain a large family, and even be-
come opulent, upon a farm for which he paid an annual rent
of two or three hundred pounds to the landlord, surely he
himself might hope for some success from his industry, having
no rent to pay, but, on the contrary, three or four hundred
pounds a year to receive. He considered that the earth was
an indulgent mother, that yielded her fruits to all her children
without distinction. He had studied the theory of agriculture
with a degree of eagerness and delight ; and he could not con-
ceive there was any mystery in the practice but what he should
be able to disclose by dint of care and application. With re-
spect to household expense, he entered into a minute detail and
investigation, by which he perceived the assertions of his
friends were altogether erroneous. He found he should save
sixty pounds a year in the single article of house-rent, and as
much more in pocket-money and contingencies; that even
butchers' meat was twenty per cent, cheaper in the country
than in London ; but that poultry, and almost every other cir-
cumstance of housekeeping, might be had for less than one-
half of what they cost in town; besides a considerable saving
on the side of dress, in being delivered from the oppressive
imposition of ridiculous modes invented by ignorance, and
adopted by folly.

As to the danger of vying with the rich in pomp and equi-
page, it never gave him the least disturbance. He was now
turned of forty, and having lived half that time in the busy
scenes of life, was well skilled in the science of mankind.
There cannot be in nature a more contemptible figure than
that of a man who, with five hundred a year, presumes to
rival in expense a neighbour who possesses five times that in-
come. His ostentation, far from concealing, serves only to
discover his indigence, and render his vanity the more shock-
ing; for it attracts the eyes of censure, and excites the spirit
of inquiry. There is not a family in the county, nor a servant
in his own house, nor a farmer in the parish, but what knows
the utmost farthing that his lands produce; and all these be-
hold him with scorn or compassion. I am surprised that these
reflections do not occur to persons in this unhappy dilemma,
and produce a salutary effect. But the truth is, of all the
passions incident to human nature, vanity is that which most

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

efTectually perverts the faculties of the understanding — nay, it
sometimes becomes so incredibly depraved, as to aspire at in-
famy, and find pleasure in bearing the stigmas of reproach.

I have now given you a sketch of the character and situa-
tion of Mr. Dennison, when he came down to take possession
of this estate; but as the messenger, who carries the letters
to the next town, is just setting off, I shall reserve what fur-
ther I have to say on this subject till the next post, when you
shall certainly hear from Yours always,

Oct. 8. Matt. Bramble.

To Dr. Lewis.

Once more, dear Doctor, I resume the pen for your amuse-
ment. It was on the morning after our arrival, that, walking
out with my friend Mr. Dennison, I could not help breaking
forth into the warmest expressions of applause at the beauty
of the scene, which is really enchanting; and I signified, in
particular, how much I was pleased with the disposition of
some detached groves, that afforded at once shelter and orna-
ment to his habitation.

" When I took possession of these lands, about two-and-
twenty years ago," said he, " there was not a tree standing
within a mile of the house, except those of an old neglected
orchard, which produced nothing but leaves and moss. It
was in the gloomy month of November when I arrived, and
found the house in such a condition, that it might have been
justly styled the tower of desolation. The court-yard was
covered with nettles and docks, and the garden exhibited such
a rank plantation of weeds as I had never seen before; the
window-shutters were falling in pieces — the sashes broken,
and owls and jackdaws had taken possession of the chimneys.
The prospect within was still more dreary. All was dark and
damp, and dirty beyond description — the rain penetrated into
several parts of the roof — in some apartments, the very floors
had given way — the hangings were parted from the walls, and
shaking in mouldy remnants — the glasses were dropping out
of their frames — the family pictures were covered with dust
— and all the chairs and tables worm-eaten and crazy. There
was not a bed in the house that could be used, except one old-

341

THE EXPEDITION OF

fashioned machine with a high gilt tester, and fringed curtains
of yellow mohair, which had been, for aught I know, two
centuries in the family. In short, there was no furniture but
the utensils of the kitchen ; and the cellar afforded nothing but
a few empty butts and barrels, that stunk so abominably, that I
would not suffer anybody to enter it, until I had flashed a
considerable quantity of gunpowder to qualify the foul air
within.

** An old cottager and his wife, who were hired to lie in the
house, had left it with precipitation, alleging, among other
causes of retreat, that they could not sleep for frightful noises,
and that my poor brother certainly walked after his death.
In a word, the house appeared uninhabitable ; the barn, stable,
and outhouses were in ruins, all the fences broken down, and
the fields lying waste.

" The farmer who kept the key, never dreamed I had any
intention to live upon the spot. He rented a farm of sixty
pounds, and his lease was just expiring. He had formed a
scheme of being appointed bailiff to the estate, and of con-
verting the house and the adjacent grounds to his own use. A
hint of his intention I received from the curate at my first
arrival ; I therefore did not pay much regard to what he said
by way of discouraging me from coming to settle in the coun-
try ; but I was a little startled when he gave me warning, that
he should quit the farm at the expiration of his lease, unless
I would abate considerably in the rent.

'' At this period I accidentally became acquainted with a
person^ whose friendship laid the foundation of all my pros-
perity. In the next market town, I chanced to dine at an inn
with a Mr. Wilson, who was lately come to settle in the neigh-
bourhood. He had been lieutenant of a man-of-war; but
quitted the sea in some disgust, and married the only daughter
of farmer Bland, who lives in this parish, and has acquired a
good fortune in the way of husbandry. Wilson is one of the
best-natured men I ever knew ; brave, frank, obliging, and in-
genuous. He liked my couA^ersation ; I was charmed with his
liberal manner. An acquaintance immediately commenced,
and this was soon improved into a friendship without reserve.
There are characters, which, like similar particles of matter,
strongly attract each other. He forthwith introduced me to

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

his father-in-law, farmer Bland, who was well acquainted with
every acre of my estate, of consequence well qualified to advise
me on this occasion. Finding I was inclined to embrace a
country life, and even to amuse myself with the occupations
of farming, he approved of my design. He gave me to under-
stand that all my farms were underlet; that the estate was
capable of great improvement ; that there was plenty of chalk
in the neighbourhood ; and that my own ground produced ex-
cellent marl for manure. With respect to the farm, which was
like to fall into my hands, he said he would willingly take it
at the present rent; but at the same time, owned, that if I
would expend two hundred pounds in enclosures, it would be
worth more than double the sum.

" Thus encouraged, I began the execution of my scheme
without further delay, and plunged into a sea of expense,
though I had no fund in reserve, and the whole produce of
the estate did not exceed three hundred pounds a year. In one
week my house was made weather-tight, and thoroughly
cleansed from top to bottom ; then it was well ventilated, by
throwing all the doors and windows open, and making blazing
fires of wood in every chimney from the kitchen to the gar-
rets. The floors were repaired, the sashes new glazed, and,
out of the old furniture of the whole house, I made shift to
fit up a parlour and three chambers, in a plain, yet decent man-
ner. The court-yard was cleared of weeds and rubbish, and
my friend Wilson charged himself with the dressing of the
garden. Bricklayers were set at work upon the barn and
stable ; and labourers engaged to restore the fences, and begin
the work of hedging and ditching, under the direction of
farmer Bland, at whose recommendation I hired a careful hind
to lie in the house, and keep constant fires in the apartments.

" Having taken these measures, I returned to London,
where I forthwith sold off my household furniture, and in
three weeks from my first visit, brought my wife hither to
keep her Christmas. Considering the gloomy season of the
year, the dreariness of the place, and the decayed aspect of our
habitation, I was afraid that her resolution would sink under
the sudden transition from a town life to such a melancholy
state of rustication ; but I was agreeably disappointed. She
found the reality less uncomfortable than the picture I had

343

THE EXPEDITION OF

drawn. By this time, indeed, things were mended in appear-
ance. The outhouses had risen out of their ruins ; the pigeon-
house was rebuilt, and replenished by Wilson, who also put my
garden in decent order, and provided a good stock of poultry,
which made an agreeable figure in my yard ; and the house, on
the whole, looked like the habitation of human creatures.
Farmer Bland spared me a milch cow for my family, and an
ordinary saddle-horse for my servant to go to market at the
next town. I hired a country lad for a footman; the hind's
daughter was my housemaid; and my wife had brought a
cook-maid from London.

*' Such was my family when I began housekeeping in this
place, with three hundred pounds in my pocket, raised from
the sale of my superfluous furniture. I knew we should find
occupation enough through the day to employ our time; but
I dreaded the long winter evenings ; yet for these too we found
a remedy. The curate, who was a single man, soon became so
naturalised to the family, that he generally lay in the house,
and his company was equally agreeable and useful. He was
a modest man, a good scholar, and perfectly well qualified to
instruct me in such country matters as I wanted to knew. Mr.
Wilson brought his wife to see us, and she became so fond
of Mrs. Dennison, that she said she was never so happy as
when she enjoyed the benefit of her conversation. She was
then a fine buxom country lass, exceedingly docile, and as
good-natured as her husband Jack Wilson ; so that a friend-
ship ensued among the women, which hath continued to this
day.

'* As for Jack, he hath been my constant companion, coun-
sellor, and commissary. I would not for a hundred pounds
you should leave my house without seeing him; — Jack is an
universal genius — his talents are really astonishing. He is
an excellent carpenter, joiner, and turner, and a cunning artist
in iron and brass. He not only superintended my economy,
but also presided over my pastimes. He taught me to brew
beer, to make cider, perry, mead, usquebaugh, and plague-
water; to cook several outlandish delicacies, such as ollas,
pep per pots, pillaws, corys, chahohs, and stuff atas. He under-
stands all manner of games, from chess down to chuck-far-
thing, sings a good song, plays upon the violin, and dances a

344

HUMPHRY CLINKER

hornpipe with surprising agiHty. He and I walked, and rode,
and hunted, and fished together, without minding the vicissi-
tudes of the weather ; and I am persuaded, that in a raw, moist
dimate, Hke this of England, continual exercise is as neces-
sary as food to the preservation of the individual. In the
course of two-and-twenty years, there has not been one hour's
interruption or abatement in the friendship subsisting between
Wilson's family and mine ; and, what is a rare instance of good
fortune, that friendship is continued to our children. His
son and mine are nearly of the same age and the same disposi-
tion ; they have been bred up together at the same school and
college, and love each other with the warmest affection.

" By Wilson's means, I likewise formed an acquaintance
with a sensible physician, who lives in the next market town ;
and his sister, an agreeable old maiden, passed the Christmas
holidays at our house. Meanwhile I began my farming with
great eagerness, and that very winter planted these groves
that please you so much. As for the neighbouring gentry, I
had no trouble from that quarter during my first campaign;
they were all gone to town before I had settled in the country ;
and by the summer, I had taken measures to defend myself
from their attacks. When a gay equipage came to my gates, I
was never at home ; those who visited me in a modest way, I
received ; and according to the remarks I made on their char-
acters and conversation, either rejected their advances or re-
turned their civility. I was in general despised among the
fashionable company, as a low fellow, both in breeding and
circumstances; nevertheless, I found a few individuals of
moderate fortune, who gladly adopted my style of living ; and
many others would have acceded to our society, had they not
been prevented by the pride, envy, and ambition of their wives
and daughters. Those, in times of luxury and dissipation, are
the rocks upon which all the small estates in the country are
wrecked.

*' I reserved in my own hands some acres of ground adja-
cent to the house, for making experiments in agriculture, ac-
cording to the directions of Lyle, Tull, Hart, Duhamel, and
others, who have written on this subject; and qualified their
theory with the practical observations of farmer Bland, who
was my great master in the art of husbandry. In short, I

345

THE EXPEDITION OF

became enamoured of a country I'ife; and my success greatly
exceeded my expectation. I drained bogs, burned heath,
grubbed up furze and fern ; I planted copse and willows where
nothing else would grow ; I gradually enclosed all my farms,
and made such improvements, that my estate now yields me
clear twelve hundred pounds a year. All this time my wife
and I have enjoyed uninterrupted health, and a regular flow
of spirits, except on a very few occasions, when our cheerful-
ness was invaded by such accidents as are inseparable from
the condition of life. I lost two children in their infancy, by
the smallpox, so that I have one son only, in whom all our
hopes are centered. He went yesterday to visit a friend, with
whom he has stayed all night, but he will be here to dinner.
I shall this day have the pleasure of presenting him to you and
your family; and I flatter myself you will find him not alto-
gether unw^orthy of your affection.

^' The truth is, either I am blinded by the partiality of a
parent, or he is a boy of very amiable character; and yet his
conduct has given us unspeakable disquiet. You must know,
we had projected a match between him and a gentleman's
daughter in the next county, who will in all probability be
heiress of a considerable fortune ; but it seems, he had a per-
sonal disgust to the alliance. He was then at Cambridge, and
tried to gain time on various pretences; but being pressed in
letters, by his mother and me, to give a definitive answer, he
fairly gave his tutor the slip, and disappeared about eight
months ago. Before he took this rash step, he wrote me a
letter, explaining his objections to the match, and declaring
that he would keep himself concealed until he should under-
stand that his parents would dispense with his contracting an
engagement that must make him miserable for life; and he
prescribed the form of advertising in a certain newspaper, by
which he might be apprised of our sentiments on this sub-
ject.

" You may easily conceive how much we were alarmed and
afflicted by this elopement, which he had made without drop-
ping the least hint to his companion Charles Wilson, who be-
longed to the same college. We resolved to punish him with
the appearance of neglect, in hopes that he would return of his
own accord ; but he maintained his purpose till the young lady

346

HUMPHRY CLINKER

chose a partner for herself; then he produced himself, and
made his peace by the mediation of Wilson. Suppose we
should unite our families by joining him with your niece, who
is one of the most lovely creatures I ever beheld. My wife is
already as fond of her as if she were her own child, and I
have a presentiment that my son will be captivated by her at
first sight." — " Nothing could be more agreeable to all our
family," said I, ''than such an alliance; but, my dear friend,
candour obliges me to tell you that I am afraid Liddy's heart
is not wholly disengaged. There is a cursed obstacle " —
*' You mean the young stroller at Gloucester," said he. '* You
are surprised that I should know this circumstance; but you
will be more surprised when I tell you that stroller is no other
than my son George Dennison ; that was the character he as-
sumed in his eclipse." — " I am, indeed, astonished and over-
joyed," cried I, ** and shall be happy beyond expression to see
your proposal take efi'ect."

He then gave me to understand, that the young gentleman,
at his emerging from concealment, had disclosed his passion
for Miss Melford, the niece of Mr. Bramble of Monmouth-
shire. Though Mr. Dennison little dreamed that this was his
old friend M^atthew Lloyd, he nevertheless furnished his son
with proper credentials ; and he had been at Bath, London,
and many other places in quest of us, to make himself and
his pretensions known. The bad success of his inquiry had
such an effect upon his spirits, that immediately at his return,
he was seized with a dangerous fever, which overwhelmed his
parents with terror and affliction; but he is now happily re-
covered, though still weak and disconsolate. My nephew join-
ing us in our walk, I informed him of these circumstances,
with which he was wonderfully pleased. He declared he
would promote the match to the utmost of his power, and that
he longed to embrace yovmg Mr. Dennison as his friend and
brother. Meanwhile, the father went to desire his wife to
communicate this discovery gradually to Liddy, that her deli-
cate nerves might not suffer too sudden a shock; and I im-
parted the particulars to my sister Tabby, who expressed some
surprise, not altogether unmixed, I believe, with an emotion
of envy ; for, though she could have no objection to an alliance
at once so honourable and advantageous, she hesitated in giv-

347

THE EXPEDITION OF

ing her consent on pretence of the youth and inexperience of
the parties : at length, however, she acquiesced, in consequence
of having consulted with Captain Lismahago.

Mr. Dennison took care to be in the way when his son ar-
rived at the gate, and without giving him time or opportunity
to make any inquiry about the strangers, brought him up-
stairs to be presented to Mr. Lloyd and his family. The first
person he saw when he entered the room was Liddy, who,
notwithstanding all her preparation, stood trembling in the
utmost confusion. At sight of this object, he was fixed mo-
tionless to the floor, and, gazing at her with the utmost eager-
ness of astonishment, exclaimed, " Sacred heaven ! what is
this ! — ha ! — wherefore " — Here his speech failing, he stood
straining his eyes, in the most emphatic silence. " George,"
said his father, " this is my friend Mr. Lloyd." Roused at
this intimation, he turned and received my salute, when I said,
" Young gentleman, if you had trusted me with your secret
at our last meeting, we should have parted upon better terms."
Before he could make any answer, Jerry came round and
stood before him with open arms. At first, he started and
changed colour; but, after a short pause, he rushed into his
embrace, and they hugged one another as if they had been
intimate friends from their infancy. Then he paid his respects
to Mrs. Tabitha, and advancing to Liddy, " Is it possible,"
cried he, " that my senses do not play me false ! that I see
Miss Melford under my father's roof ! that I am permitted to
speak to her without giving offence! and that her relations
have honoured me with their countenance and protection ? "
Liddy blushed, and trembled, and faltered : " To be sure,
sir/' said she, " it is a very surprising circumstance — a great —
a providential — I really knov/ not what I say, but I beg you
will think I have said what's agreeable."

Mrs. Dennison interposing, said, " Compose yourselves, my
dear children; your mutual happiness shall be our peculiar
care." The son going up to his mother, kissed one hand ; my
niece bathed the other with her tears; and the good old lady
pressed them both in their turns to her breast. The lovers
were too much affected to get rid of their embarrassment for
one day; but the scene was much enlivened by the arrival of
Jack Wilson, who brought, as usual, some game of his own

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

killing. His honest countenance was a good letter of recom-
mendation. I received him Hke a dear friend after a long
separation ; and I could not help wondering to see him shake
Jerry by the hand as an old acquaintance. They had, indeed,
been acquainted some days, in consequence of a diverting in-
cident, which I shall explain at meeting. That same night
a consultation was held upon the concerns of the lovers, when
the match was formally agreed to, and all the marriage articles
were settled without the least dispute. My nephew and I
promised to make Liddy's fortune live thousand pounds. Mr.
Dennison declared, he would make over one-half of his estate
immediately to his son, and that his daughter-in-law should
be secured in a jointure of four hundred. Tabby proposed,
that, considering their youth, they should undergo one year
at least of probation, before the indissoluble knot should be
tied; but the young gentleman being very impatient and im-
portunate, and the scheme implying that the young couple
should live in the house under the wings of his parents, we
resolved to make them happy without farther delay.

As the law requires that the parties should be some weeks
resident in the parish, we shall stay here till the ceremony is
performed. Mr. Lismahago requests that he may take the
benefit of the same occasion ; so that next Sunday the banns
will be published for all four together. I doubt I shall not be
able to pass my Christmas with you at Brambleton Hall. In-
deed, I am so agreeably situated in this place, that I have no
desire to shift my quarters ; and I foresee, that when the day of
separation comes, there will be abundance of sorrow on all
sides. In the meantime, we must make the most of those
blessings which Heaven bestows. Considering how you are
tethered by your profession, I cannot hope to see you so far
from home ; yet the distance does not exceed a summer day's
journey, and Charles Dennison, who desires to be remembered
to you, would be rejoiced to see his old compotator; but, as
I am now stationary, I expect regular answers to the epistles
of, Yours invariably,

October ii. Matt. Bramble.

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Barf, at Oxon.
Dear Wat, — Every day is now big with incident and dis-

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THE EXPEDITION OF

covery. Young Mr. Dennison proves to be no other than that
identical person whom I have execrated so long under the
name of Wilson. He had eloped from college at Cambridge,
to avoid a match that he detested, and acted in different parts
of the country as a stroller, until the lady in question made
choice of a husband for herself ; then he returned to his father,
and disclosed his passion for Liddy, which met with the ap-
probation of his parents, though the father little imagined that
Mr. Bramble was his old companion Matthew Lloyd. The
young gentleman being empowered to make honourable pro-
posals to my uncle and me, had been in search of us all over
England without effect ; and he it was whom I had seen pass
on horseback by the window of the inn, where I stood with my
sister, but he little dreamed that we were in the house. As
for the real Mr. Wilson, whom I called forth to combat, by
mistake, he is the neighbour and intimate friend of old Mr.
Dennison, and this connexion had suggested to the son the
idea of taking that name while he remained in obscurity.

You may easily conceive what pleasure I must have felt on
discovering that the honour of our family was in no danger
from the conduct of a sister whom I love with uncommon
affection; that, instead of debasing her sentiments and views
to a wretched stroller, she had really captivated the heart of a
gentleman, her equal in rank and superior in fortune; and
that, as his parents approved of his attachment, I was on the
eve of acquiring a brother-in-lav/ so worthy of my friendship
and esteem. George Dennison is, without all question, one of
the most accomplished young fellows in England. His person
is at once elegant and manly, and his understanding highly
cultivated. Though his spirit is lofty, his heart is kind ; and
his manner so engaging, as to command veneration and love,
even from malice and indifference. When I weigh my own
character with his, I am ashamed to find myself so light in the
balance ; but the comparison excites no envy — I propose him
as a model for imitation — I ha-^x endeavoured to recommend
myself to his friendship, and hope I have already found a
place in his affection. I am, however, mortified to reflect what
flagrant injustice we every day commit, and what absurd judg-
ment we form, in viewing objects through the falsifying me-
dium of prejudice and passion. Had you asked me a few

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

days ago the picture of Wilson the player, I should have
drawn a portrait very unlike the real person and character of
George Dennison. Without all doubt, the greatest advantage
acquired in travelling and perusing mankind in the original,
is that of dispelling those shameful clouds that darken the
faculties of the mind, preventing it from judging with can-
dour and precision.

The real Wilson is a great original, and the best-tempered
companionable man I ever knew. I question if ever he was
angry or low-spirited in his life. He makes no pretensions to
letters ; but he is an adept in everything else that can be either
useful or entertaining. Among other qualifications, he is a
complete sportsman, and counted the best shot in the county.
He and Dennison, and Lismahago and I, attended by Clinker,
went a-shooting yesterday, and made great havoc among the
partridges. To-morrow we shall take the field against the
woodcocks and snipes. In the evening we dance and sing, or
play at commerce, loo, and quadrille.

Mr. Dennison is an elegant poet, and has written some de-
tached pieces on the subject of his passion for Liddy, which
must be very flattering to the vanity of a young woman. Per-
haps he is one of the greatest theatrical geniuses that ever ap-
peared. He sometimes entertains us with reciting favourite
speeches from our best plays. We are resolved to convert the
great hall into a theatre, and get up the Beaux' Stratagem
without delay. I think I shall make no contemptible figure in
the character of Scrub; and Lismahago will be very great in
Captain Gibbet. Wilson undertakes to entertain the country
people with Harlequin Skeleton, for which he has got a jacket
ready painted with his own hand.

Our society is really enchanting. Even the severity of Lis-
mahago relaxes, and the vinegar of Mrs. Tabby is remarkably
dulcified ever since it was agreed that she should take the
precedency of her niece in being first noosed. For, you must
know, the day is fixed for Liddy's marriage; and the banns
for both couples have been already once published in the
parish church. The captain earnestly begged that one trouble
might serve for all, and Tabitha assented with a vile affecta-
tion of reluctance. Her inamorato, who came hither very
slenderly equipped, has sent for his baggage to London, which,

351

THE EXPEDITION OF

in all probability, will not arrive in time for the wedding ; but
it is of no great consequence, as everything is to be transacted
with the utmost privacy. Meanwhile, directions are given for
making out the contracts of marriage, which are very favour-
able for both females. Eiddy will be secured in a good join-
ture; and her aunt will remain mistress of her own fortune,
except one-half of the interest, which her husband shall have
a right to enjoy for his natural life. I think this is as little in
conscience as can be done for a man who yokes with such a
partner for life.

These expectants seem to be so happy, that if Mr. Dennison
had an agreeable daughter, I believe I should be for making
the third couple in this country dance. The humour seems to
be infectious ; for Clinker, alias Lloyd, has a month's mind to
play the fool in the same fashion with Mrs. Winifred Jenkins.
He has even sounded me on the subject ; but I have given him
no encouragement to prosecute this scheme. I told him I
thought he might do better, as there was no engagement nor
promise subsisting; that I did not know what designs my
uncle might have formed for his advantage; but I was of
opinion, that he should not at present run the risk of disoblig-
ing him by any premature application of this nature. Honest
Humphry protested, he would suffer death sooner than say or
do anything that should give offence to the squire; but he
owned he had a kindness for the young woman, and had rea-
son to think she looked upon him with a favourable eye ; that
he considered this mutual manifestation of goodwill as an en-
gagement understood, which ought to be binding to the con-
science of an honest man ; and he hoped the squire and I would
be of the same opinion, when we should be at leisure to bestow
any thought about the matter. I believe he is in the right;
and we shall find time to take his case into consideration. You
see we are fixed for some weeks at least : and as you have had
a long respite, I hope you will begin immediately to discharge
the arrears due to your affectionate J. Melford.

October 14.

To Miss L^TiTiA Willis, at Gloucester.
My dear, dear Letty, — Never did I sit down to write in
such agitation as I now feel. In the course of a few days, we

352

HUMPHRY CLINKER

ave met with a number of incidents so wonderful and inter-
esting, that all my ideas are thrown into confusion and per-
plexity. You must not expect either method or coherence in
what I am going to relate, my dearest Willis. Since my last,
the aspect of affairs is totally changed ! — and so changed ! but
I would fain give you a regular detail. In passing a river,
about eight days ago, our coach was overturned, and some of
us narrowly escaped with life. My uncle had well-nigh per-
ished. O Heaven, I cannot reflect upon that circumstance
without horror. I should have lost my best friend, my father
and protector, but for the resolution and activity of his servant
Humphry Clinker, whom Providence really seems to have
placed near him for the necessity of this occasion. I would
not be thought superstitious; but surely he acted from a
stronger impulse than common fidelity. Was it not the voice
of nature that loudly called upon him to save the life of his
own father? — for, O Letty, it was discovered that Humphry
Clinker was my uncle's natural son.

Almost at the same instant, a gentleman, who came to offer
us his assistance, and invite us to his house, turned out to be
a very old friend of Mr. Bramble. His name is Mr. Dennison,
one of the worthiest men living, and his lady is a perfect saint
upon earth. They have an only son ; who do you think is this
only son ? O Letty ! O gracious Heaven ! how my heart
palpitates, when I tell you, that this only son of Mr. Dennison,
is that very identical youth, who, under the name of Wilson,
has made such ravage in my heart ! Yes, my dear friend !
Wilson and I are now lodged in the same house, and converse
together freely. His father approves of his sentiments in my
favour: his mother loves me with all the tenderness of a
parent ; my uncle, my aunt, and my brother, no longer oppose
my inclinations ; on the contrary, they have agreed to make us
happy without delay, and, in three weeks or a month, if no un-
foreseen accident intervenes, your friend Lydia Melford will
have changed her name and condition. I say, if no accident
intervenes, because such a torrent of success makes me trem-
ble! I wish there may not be something treacherous in this
sudden reconciliation of fortune; I have no merit, I have no
title to such felicity! Far from enjoying the prospect that

353

THE EXPEDITION OF

lies before me, my mind is harassed with a continued tumult,
made up of hopes and wishes, doubts and apprehensions. I
can neither eat nor sleep, and my spirits are in perpetual
flutter. I more than ever feel that vacancy in my heart, which
your presence alone can fill. The mind, in every disquiet,
seeks to repose itself on the bosom of a friend; and this is
such a trial as I really know not how to support without your
company and counsel ; 1 must therefore, dear Letty, put your
friendship to the test. I must beg you will come and do the
last offices of maidenhood to your companion Lydia Melford.

This letter goes enclosed in one to our worthy governess,
from Mrs. Dennison, entreating her to interpose with your
mamma, that you may be allowed to favour us with your
company on this occasion ; and I flatter myself that no material
objection can be made to our request. The distance from
hence to Gloucester does not exceed one hundred miles, and
the roads are good. Mr. Clinker, alias Lloyd, shall be sent
over to attend your motions. If you step into the post-chaise,
with your maid Betty Barker, at seven in the morning, you
will arrive by four in the afternoon at the half-way house,
where there is good accommodation. There you shall be met
by my brother and myself, who will next day conduct you to
this place, where I am sure you will find yourself perfectly at
your ease in the midst of an agreeable society. Dear Letty,
I will take no refusal ; if you have any friendship, any hu-
manity, you will come. I desire that immediate application
may be made to your mamma, and that the moment her per-
mission is obtained, you will apprise Your ever faithful

Oct. 14. Lydia Melford.

To Mrs. Jermyn, at her house in Gloucester.

Dear Madam^ — Though I am not so fortunate as to be fa-
voured with an answer to the letter with which I troubled you
in the spring, I still flatter myself that you retain some regard
for me and my concerns. I am sure the care and tenderness
with which I was treated, under your roof and tuition, de-
mand the warmest returns of gratitude and afl"ection on my
part, and these sentiments, I hope, T shall cherish to my dying
day. At present I think it my duty to make you acquainted

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

with the happy issue of that indiscretion by which I incurred
your displeasure ! Ah ! Madam, the sHghted Wilson is meta-
morphosed into George Dennison, only son and heir of a gen-
tleman, whose character is second to none in England, as you
may understand upon inquiry. My guardians, my brother,
and I, are now in his house, and an immediate union of the
two families is to take place in the persons of the young
gentleman and your poor Lydia Melford. You will easily
conceive how embarrassing this situation must be to a young
unexperienced creature like me, of weak nerves and strong
apprehensions, and how much the presence of a friend and
confidant would encourage and support me on this occasion.
You know that, of all the young ladies. Miss Willis was she
that possessed the greatest share of my confidence and affec-
tion, and, therefore, I fervently wish to have the happiness of
her company at this interesting crisis.

Mrs. Dennison, who is the object of universal love and
esteem, has, at my request, written to you on this subject, and
I now beg leave to reinforce her solicitation. My dear Mrs.
Jermyn ! my ever-honoured governess ! let me conjure you by
that fondness which once distinguished your favourite Liddy !
by that benevolence of heart which disposes you to promote
the happiness of your fellow-creatures in general ! lend a fa-
vourable ear to my petition, and use your influence with Let-
ty's mamma, that my most earnest desire may be gratified.
Should I be indulged in this particular, I will engage to return
her safe, and even to accompany her to Gloucester, where, if
you will give me leave, I will present to you, under another
name, dear madam, your most affectionate humble servant,
and penitent, Lydia Melford.

To Mrs. Mary Jones^ at Brambleton Hall.

O Mary Jones ! Mary Jones ! — I have met with so many
axidents, surprisals, and terrifications, that I am in a perfect
fantigo, and believe I shall never be my own self again. Last
week I was dragged out of a river like a drowned rat, and
lost a bran new night-cap, with a sulfur stay-hook, that cost
me a good half a crown, and an odd shoe of green gallow-
monkey, besides wetting my clothes, and taring my smuck,

355

THE EXPEDITION OF.

and an ugly gash made in the back part of my thy, by the
stump of a tree. To be sure, Mr. CHnker tuck me out of the
cox, but he left me on my back in the water, to go to the
squire, and I mought have had a watry grave, if a miliar had
not brought me to the dry land. But O ! what choppings
and changes, girl. The player man that came after Miss
Liddy, and frightened me with a beard at Bristol Well, is
now matthewmurphy'd into a fine young gentleman, son
and hare of Squire Dollison. We are all together in the same
house, and all parties have agreed to the match, and in a
fortnite the surrymony will be performed.

But this is not the only wedding we are to have. Mistriss
is resolved to have the same frolick, in the naam of God !
Last Sunday in the parish crutch, if my own ars may be
trusted, the clerk called the banes of marridge betwixt
Opaniah Lashmeheygo and Tapitha Bramble, spinster; he
mought as well have called her inkle-weaver, for she never
spun an hank of yarn in her life. Young Squire DoUison.
and Miss Liddy make the second kipple, and there might
have been a turd, but times are changed with Mr. Clinker.
O Molly ! what dc'st think? Mr. Clinker is found to be a pye-
blow of our own squire, and his right naam is Mr. Mattew
Loyd (thof God he nose how that can be,) and he is now out
of livery, and wares rufifles ; but I new him when he was out
at elbows, and had not a rag to kiver his pistereroes, so he
need not hold his head so high. He is for sartin very umble
and compleasant, and purtests as how he has the same regard
as before, but that he is no longer his own master, and can-
not portend to marry without the squire's consent ; he says
we must wait with patience, and trust to Providence, and
such nonsense. But if so be as how his regard be the same,
why stand shilly shally ? Why not strike while the iron is hot,
and speak to the squire without loss of time? What sub-
jection can the squire make to our coming together? Thof
my father wan't a gentleman, my mother was an honest
woman. I didn't come on the wrong side of the blanket,
girl. My parents were married according to the rights of
holy mother crutch, in the face of men and angels. Mark
that, Mary Jones.

Mr. Clinker (Loyd I would say,) had. best look to his

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

tackle. There be other chaps in the market, as the saying is.
What would he say if I should except the soot and sarvice of
the young squire's valley? Mr. Machappy is a gentleman
born, and has been abroad in the wars. He has a world of
buck learning, and speaks French, and Ditch, and Scotch,
and all manner of outlandish lingos ; to be sure, he's a little
the worse for the ware, and is much given to drink, but then
he's good-tempered in his liquor, and a prudent woman
mought wind him about her finger. But I have no thoughts
of him, I'll assure you. I scorn for to do, or to say, or to
think anything that mought give umbreech to Mr. Loyd,
without furder occasion. But then I have such vapours,
Molly; I sit and cry by myself, and take ass of etida, and
smill to burnt fathers and kindal-snufTs ; and I pray con-
stantly for grease, that I may have a glimpse of the new
light, to show me the way through this wretched veil of
tares. And yet I want for nothing in this family of love,
where every sole is so kind and so courteous, that wan would
think they are so many saints in haven. Dear Molly, I
recommend myself to your prayers,, being, with my sarvice
to Saul,

Your ever loving and discounselled friend,
Oct. 14. Win. Jenkins.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Dick, — ^You cannot imagine what pleasure I have
in seeing your handwriting after such a long cessation on
your side of our correspondence. Yet, Heaven knows, I
have often seen your handwriting with disgust — I mean
when it appeared in abbreviations of apothecary's Latin. I
like your hint of making interest for the reversion of the
collector's place for Lismahago, who is much pleased with
the scheme, and presents you with his compliments and best
thanks for thinking so kindly of his concerns. The man
seems to mend upon further acquaintance. That harsh re-
serve, which formed a disagreeable husk about his charac-
ter, begins to peel ofif in the course of our communication.
I have great hopes that he and Tabby will be as happily
paired as any two draught animals in the kingdom ; and I

357

THE EXPEDITION OF

make no doubt, but that he will prove a valuable acquisi-
tion to our little society, in the article of conversation by the
fireside in winter.

Your objection to my passing this season of the year at
such a distance from home, would have more weight if I did
not find myself perfectly at my ease where I am ; and my
health so much improved, that I am disposed to bid defiance
to gout and rheumatism. I begin to think I have put myself
on tne superannuated list too soon, and absurdly sought for
health in the retreats of laziness. I am persuaded, that all
valetudinarians are too sedentary, too regular, and too cau-
tious. We should sometimes increase the motion of the
machine, to unclog the zi}heels of life; and now and then take
a plunge amidst the waves of excess, in order to case-harden
the constitution. I have even found a change of company
as necessary as a change of air, to promote a vigorous circu-
lation of the spirits, which is the very essence and criterion of
good health.

Since my last, I have been performing the duties of friend-
ship, that required a great deal of exercise, from which I
hope to derive some benefit. Understanding, by the great-
est accident in the world, that Mr. Baynard's wife was dan-
gerously ill of a pleuritic fever, I borrowed Dennison's
post-chaise, and went across the country to his habitation,
attended only by Lloyd (quondam Clinker) on horseback.
As the distance is not above thirty miles, I arrived about four
in the afternoon, and, meeting the physician at the door, was
informed that his patient had just expired. I was instantly
seized with a violent emotion ; but it was not grief. The fam-
ily being in confusion, I ran upstairs into the chamber,
where, indeed, they were all assembled. The aunt stood
wringing her hands in a state of stupefaction of sorrow, but
my friend acted all the extravagancies of affiiction. He held
the body in his arms, and poured forth such a lamentation,
that one would have thought he had lost the most amiable
consort and valuable companion upon earth.

Affection may certainly exist independent of esteem ; nay,
the same object may be lovely in one respect and detestable
in another. The mind has a surprising faculty of accommo-
dating, and even attaching itself in such a manner, by dint

3S8

HUMPHRY CLINKER

of use, to things that are in their own nature disagreeable,
and even pernicious, that it cannot bear to be deUvered from
them without reluctance and regret. Baynard was so ab-
sorbed in his delirium, that he did not perceive me when I
entered, and desired one of the women to conduct the aunt
into her own chamber. At the same time, I begged the tutor
to withdraw the boy, who stood gaping in a corner, very
little affected with the distress of the scene. These steps
being taken, I waited till the first violence of my friend's
transport was abated, then disengaged him gently from the
melancholy object, and led him by the hand into another
apartment ; though he struggled so hard, that I was obliged
to have recourse to the assistance of his valet-de-chambre.
In a few minutes, however, he recollected himself, and fold-
ing me in his arms, " This," cried he, " is a friendly office,
indeed ! I know not how you came hither, but I think
Heaven sent you to prevent my going distracted. O
Matthew ! I have lost my dear Harriet ! — my poor, gentle,
tender creature, that loved me with such warmth and purity
of affection — my constant companion of twenty years! —
She's gone — she's gone for ever ! Heaven and earth, where
is she? — Death shall not part us ! "

So saying, he started up, and could hardly be withheld
from returning to the scene we had quitted. You will per-
ceive it would have been very absurd for me to argue with a
man that talked so madly. On all such occasions, the first
torrent of passion must be allowed to subside gradually. I
endeavoured to beguile his attention by starting little hints,
and insinuating other objects of discourse imperceptibly ;
and being exceedingly pleased in my own mind at this event,
I exerted myself with such an extraordinary flow of spirits
as was attended with success. In a few hours he was calm
enough to hear reason, and even to own that Heaven could
not have interposed more effectually to rescue him from dis-
grace and ruin. That he might not, however, relapse into
weaknesses for want of company, I passed the night in his
chamber, in a little tent-bed brought thither on purpose ; and
well it was that I took this precaution, for he started up in
bed several times, and would have played the fool, if I had
not been present.

359

THE EXPEDITION OF!

Next day he was in a condition to talk of business, and
vested me with full authority over his household, which I be-
gan to exercise without loss of time, though not before he
knew and approved of the scheme I had projected for his
advantage. He would have quitted the house immediately ;
but this retreat I opposed. Far from encouraging a tem-
porary disgust, which might degenerate into an habitual
aversion, I resolved, if possible, to attach him more than ever j
to his household gods. I gave directions for the funeral to
be as private as was consistent with decency; I wrote to
London that an inventory and estimate might be made of
the furniture and effects in his town house, and gave notice
to the landlord, that Mr. Baynard should quit the premises
at Lady-day; I set a person at work to take an account of
everything in the country house, including horses, carriages,
and harness; I settled the young gentleman at a boarding-
school, kept by a clergyman in the neighbourhood, and
thither he went without reluctance, as soon as he knew that
he was to be troubled no more with his tutor, whom we dis-
missed. The aunt continued very sullen, and never ap-
peared at table, though Mr. Baynard paid his respects to her
every day in her own chamber; there also she held confer-
ences with the waiting-women and other servants of the fam-
ily ; but the moment her niece was interred, she went away
in a post-chaise prepared for that purpose. She did not leave
the house, however, without giving Mr. Baynard to under-
stand, that the wardrobe of her niece was the perquisite of
her woman ; accordingly, that worthless drab received all the
clothes, laces, and linen of her deceased mistress, to the value
of five hundred pounds at a moderate computation.

The next step I took was to disband that legion of super-
numerary domestics, who had preyed so long upon the vitals
of my friend ; a parcel of idle drones so intolerably insolent,
that they even treated their own master with the most con-
temptuous neglect. They had been generally hired by his
wife, according to the recommendation of her woman, and
these were the only patrons to whom they paid the least def-
erence. I had therefore uncommon satisfaction in clearing
the house of those vermin. The woman of the deceased, and
a chambermaid, a valet-de-chambre, a butler, a French cook,

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HUMPHRY CLINKER

a master gardener, two footmen, and a coachman, I paid off,
and turned out of the house immediately, paying to each a
month's wages in Heu of warning. Those whom I retained
consisted of a female cook, who had been assistant to the
Frenchman, a housemaid, an old lacquey, a postillion, and
under-gardener. Thus I removed at once a huge mountain
of expense and care from the shoulders of my friend, who
could hardly believe the evidence of his own senses, when he
found himself so suddenly and so effectually relieved. His
heart, however, was still subject to vibrations of tenderness,
which returned at certain intervals, extorting sighs and tears,
and exclamations of grief and impatience ; but these fits
grew every day less violent and less frequent, till at length
his reason obtained a complete victory over the infirmities
of his nature.

Upon an accurate inquiry into the state of his affairs, I
find his debts amount to twenty thousand pounds, for
eighteen thousand pounds of which sum his estate is mort-
gaged ; and as he pays five per cent, interest, and some of his
farms are unoccupied, he does not receive above two hundred
pounds a year clear from his lands, over and above the inter-
est of his wife's fortune, which produced eight hundred
pounds annually. For lightening this heavy burden, I de-
vised the following expedient. His wife's jewels, together
with his superfluous plate and furniture in both houses, his
horses and carriages, which are already advertised to be sold
by auction, will, according to the estimate, produce two
thousand five hundred pounds in ready money, with which
the debt will be immediately reduced to eighteen thousand
pounds. I have undertaken to find him ten thousand pounds
at four per cent., by which means he will save one hundred
a year in the article of interest, and perhaps we shall be able
to borrow the other eight thousand on the same terms. Ac-
cording to his own scheme of a country life, he says he can
live comfortably for three hundred pounds a year ; but, as he
has a son to educate, we will allow him five hundred ; then
there will be an accumulating fund of seven hundred a year,
principal and interest, to pay off the encumbrance ; and, I
think, we may moderately add three hundred on the pre-
sumption of new-leasing and improving the vacant farms;

361

THE EXPEDITION OF

so that, in a couple of years, I suppose there will be above a
thousand a year appropriated to liquidate a debt of sixteen
thousand.

We forthwith began to class and set apart the articles de-
signed for sale, under the direction of an upholder from Lon-
don; and, that nobody in the house might be idle, com-
menced our reformation without doors, as well as within.
AVith Baynard's good leave, I ordered the gardener to turn
the rivulet into its own channel, to refresh the fainting
Naiads, who had so long languished among mouldering
roots, withered leaves, and dry pebbles. The shrubbery is
condemned to extirpation ; and the pleasure-ground will be
restored to its original use of cornfield and pasture. Orders
are given for rebuilding the walls of the garden at the back
of the house, and for planting clumps of firs, intermingled
with beech and chestnut, at the east end, which is now quite
exposed to the surly blasts that come from that quarter. All
these works being actually begun, and the house and auction
left to the care and management of a reputable attorney, I
brought Baynard along with me in the chaise, and made him
acquainted with Dennison, whose goodness of heart would
not fail to engage his esteem and afifection. He is indeed
charmed with our society in general, and declares that he
never saw the theory of true pleasure reduced to practice be-
fore. I really believe it would not be an easy task to find
such a number of individuals assembled under one roof more
happy than we are at present.

I must tell you, however, in confidence, I suspect Tabby of
tergiversation. I have been so long accustomed to that origi-
nal, that I know all the caprices of her heart, and can often
perceive her designs while they are yet in embryo. She at-
tached herself to Lismahago for no other reason but that
she despaired of making a more agreeable conquest. At
present, if I am not much mistaken in my observation, she
would gladly convert the widowhood of Baynard to her own
advantage. Since he arrived, she has behaved very coldly
to the captain, and strove to fasten on the other's heart with
the hooks of overstrained civility. These must be the in-
stinctive efforts of her constitution, rather than the effects of
any deliberate design ; for matters are carried to such a

362

HUMPHRY CLINKER

length with the Heutenant, that she could not retract with
any regard to conscience or reputation. Besides, she will
meet with nothing but indifference or aversion on the side of
Baynard, who has too much sense to think of such a partner
at any time, and too much delicacy to admit a thought of any
such connexion at the present juncture. Meanwhile I have
prevailed upon her to let him have four thousand pounds at
four per cent, towards paying off his mortgage. Young
Dennison has agreed that Liddy's fortune shall be appropri-
ated to the same purpose, on the same terms. His father will
sell out three thousand pounds stock for his accommodation.
Farmer Bland has, at the desire of Wilson, undertaken for
two thousand ; and I must make an effort to advance what
farther will be required to take my friend out of the hands of
the Philistines. He is so pleased with the improvements made
on this estate, which is all cultivated like a garden, that he
has entered himself as a pupil in farming to Mr. Dennison,
and resolved to attach himself wholly to the practice of hus-
bandry.

Everything is now prepared for our double wedding. The
marriage articles for both couples are drawn and executed ;
and the ceremony only waits until the parties shall have been
resident in the parish the term prescribed by law. Young
Dennison betrays some symptoms of impatience ; but Lis-
mahago bears this necessary delay with the temper of a phi-
losopher. You must know, the captain does not stand
altogether on the foundation of personal merit. Besides his
half-pay, amounting to two-and-forty pounds a year, this
indefatigable economist has amassed eight hundred pounds,
which he has secured in the funds. This sum arises partly
from his pay's running up while he remained among the
Indians ; partly from what he received as a consideration for
the dift'erence between his full appointment and the half-pay,
to which he is now restricted ; and partly from the profits of a
little traffic he drove in peltry, during his sachemship among
the Miamis.

Liddy's fears and perplexities have been much assuaged
by the company of one Miss WilHs, who had been her inti-
mate companion at the boarding-school. Her parents had

363

THE EXPEDITION OF

been earnestly solicited to allow her making this friendly
visit on such an extraordinary occasion ; and two days ago
she arrived with her mother, who did not choose that she
should come without a proper governante. The young lady
is very handsome, sprightly, and agreeable, and the mother
a mighty good sort of a woman ; so that their coming adds
considerably to our enjoyment. But we shall have a third
couple yoked in the matrimonial chain. Mr. Clinker Lloyd
has made humble remonstrance, through the channel of my
nephew, setting forth the sincere love and affection mutually
subsisting between him and Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, and pray-
ing my consent to their coming together for life. I would
have wished that Mr. CHnker had kept out of this scrape;
but as the nymph's happiness is at stake, and she has had al-
ready some fits in the way of despondence, I, in order to pre-
vent any tragical catastrophe, have given him leave to play
the fool, in imitation of his betters; and I suppose we shall
have in time a whole litter of his progeny at Brambleton
Hall. The fellow is stout and lusty, very sober and conscien-
tious; and the wench seems to be as great an enthusiast in
love as in religion.

I wish you would think of employing him some other way,
that the parish may not be overstocked. You know he has
been bred a farrier, consequently belongs to the faculty ; and,
as he is very docile, I make no doubt, but, with your good
instruction, he may be, in a little time, qualified to act as a
Welsh apothecary. Tabby, who never did a favour with a
good grace, has consented, with great reluctance, to this
match. Perhaps it hurts her pride, as she now considers
Clinker in the light of a relation ; but I believe her objections
are of a more selfish nature. She declares she cannot think
of retaining the wife of Matthew Lloyd in the character of a
servant; and she foresees, that, on such an occasion, the
woman will expect some gratification for her past services.
As for CHnker, exclusive of other considerations, he is so
trusty, brave, affectionate, and alert, and I owe him such per-
sonal obligations, that he merits more than all the indulgence
that can possibly be shown him by yours,

October 26. Matt. Bramble.

364

HUMPHRY CLINKER

To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart, at Oxon.

Dear Knight, — The fatal knots are now tied. The com-
edy is near a close, and the curtain is ready to drop ; but the
latter scenes of this act I shall recapitulate in order. About
a fortnight ago, my uncle made an excursion across the
country, and brought hither a particular friend, one Mr. Bay-
nard, who has just lost his wife, and was for some time dis-
consolate, though, by all accounts, he had much more cause
for joy than for sorrow at this event. His countenance, how-
ever, clears up apace ; and he appears to be a person of rare
accomplishments. But we have received another still more
agreeable reinforcement to our company, by the arrival of
Miss Willis from Gloucester. She was Liddy's bosom friend
at boarding-school, and, being earnestly solicited to assist
at the nuptials, her mother was so obliging as to grant my
sister's request, and even to come with her in person. Liddy,
accompanied by George Dennison and me, gave them the
meeting half-way, and next day conducted them hither in
safety. Miss Willis is a charming girl, and in point of dis-
position, an agreeable contrast to my sister, who is rather too
grave and sentimental for my turn of mind ; the other is gay,
frank, a little giddy, and always good-humoured. She has,
moreover, a genteel fortune, is well born, and remarkably
handsome. Ah, Phillips ! if these qualities were permanent —
if her humour would never change, nor her beauties decay,
what efforts would I not make ! But these are idle reflec-
tions— my destiny must one day be fulfilled.

At present we pass the time as agreeably as we can. We
have got up several farces, which afforded unspeakable en-
tertainment, by the effects they produced among the coun-
try people, who are admitted to all our exhibitions. Two
nights ago, Jack Wilson acquired great applause in Hark-
qtiin Skeleton, and Lismahago surprised us all in the charac-
ter of Pierof. His long lank sides, and strong-marked fea-
tures, were all peculiarly adapted to his part. He appeared
with a ludicrous stare, from which he had discharged all
meaning. He adopted the impressions of fear and amaze-
ment so naturally, that many of the audience were infected
by his looks; but when the skeleton held him in chase, his

365

THE EXPEDITION OF

horror became most divertingly picturesque, and seemed to
endow him with such preternatural agiHty, as confounded all
the spectators. It was a lively representation of Death in
pursuit of Consumption ; and had such an efifect upon the
commonalty, that some of them shrieked aloud, and others
ran out of the hall in the utmost consternation.

This is not the only instance in which the lieutenant had
lately excited our wonder. His temper, which had been
soured and shrivelled by disappointment and chagrin, is now
swelled out and smoothed like a raisin in plum-porridge.
From being reserved and punctilious, he is become easy and
obliging. He cracks jokes, laughs, and banters, with the
most facetious familiarity ; and, in a word, enters into all our
schemes of merriment and pastime. The other day his bag-
gage arrived in the waggon from London, contained in two
large trunks, and a long deal box, not unlike a coffin. The
trunks were filled with his wardrobe, which he displayed for
the entertainment of the company ; and he freely owned, that
it consisted chiefly of the opima spolia taken in battle. What
he selected for his wedding suit was a tarnished white cloth,
faced with blue velvet, embroidered with silver ; but he
valued himself most upon a tie-periwig, in which he had
made his first appearance as a lawyer, about thirty years ago.
This machine had been in buckle ever since, and now all the
servants in the family were employed to frizz it out for the
ceremony, which was yesterday celebrated at the parish
church. George Dennison and his bride were distinguished
by nothing extraordinary in their apparel. His eyes light-
ened with eagerness and joy, and she trembled with coyness
and confusion. My uncle gave her away, and her friend
Willis supported her during the ceremony.

But my aunt and her paramour took the pas, and formed
indeed such a pair of originals, as, I believe, all England
could not parallel. She was dressed in the style of 1739 » ^"<^
the day being cold, put on a mantle of green velvet laced
with gold ; but this was taken ofi by the bridegroom, who
threw over her shoulders a fur cloak of American sables,
valued at fourscore guineas, a present equally agreeable and
unexpected. Thus accoutred, she was led up to the altar by
Mr. Dennison, who did the office of her father. Lismahago

366

HUMPHRY CLINKER

advanced in the military step, with his French coat reaching
no farther than the middle of his thigh, his campaign wig
that surpasses all description, and a languishing leer upon
his countenance, in which there seemed to be something arch
and ironical. The ring which he put upon her finger, he had
concealed till the moment it was used. He now produced it
with an air of self-complacency. It was a curious antique,
set with rose diamonds : he told us afterwards it had been in
his family two hundred years, and was a present from his
grandmother. These circumstances agreeably flattered the
pride of our aunt Tabitha, which had already found uncom-
mon gratification in the captain's generosity ; for he had, in
the morning, presented my uncle with a fine bear's skin, and
a Spanish fowling-piece, and me with a case of pistols curi-
ously mounted with silver. At the same time, he gave Mrs.
Jenkins an Indian purse, made of silk grass, containing
twenty crown pieces. You must know, this young lady, with
the assistance of Mr. Lloyd, formed the third couple who
yesterday sacrificed to Hymen. I wrote you in my last that
he had recourse to my mediation, which I employed success-
fully with my uncle ; but Mrs. Tabitha held out till the love-
sick Jenkins had two fits of the mother ; then she relented,
and those two cooing turtles were caged for life. Our aunt
made an effort of generosity in furnishing the bride with her
superfluities of clothes and linen, and her example was fol-
lowed by my sister ; nor did Mr. Bramble and I neglect her
on this occasion. It was indeed a day of peace-offering. Mr.
Dennison insisted upon Liddy's accepting two bank-notes of
one hundred pounds each, as pocket-money ; and his lady
gave her a diamond necklace of double that value. There
was, besides, a mutual exchange of tokens among the indi-
viduals of the two families thus happily united.

As George Dennison and his partner were judged im-
proper objects of mirth. Jack Wilson had resolved to execute
some jokes on Lismahago, and, after supper, began to ply
him with bumpers, when the ladies had retired ; but the cap-
tain, perceiving his drift, begged for quarter, alleging that
the adventure in which he had engaged was a very serious
matter ; and that it would be more the part of a good Chris-
tian to pray that he might be strengthened, than to impede

367

THE EXPEDITION OF

his endeavours to finish the adventure. He was spared ac-
cordingly, and permitted to ascend the nuptial couch with
all his senses about him. There he and his consort sat in
state, like Saturn and Cybele, while the benediction posset
was drank ; and a cake being broken over the head of Mrs.
Tabitha Lismahago, the fragments were distributed among
the bystanders, according to the custom of the ancient Brit-
ons, on the supposition that every person who ate of this
hallowed cake should that night have a vision of the man or
woman whom Heaven designed should be his or her wedded
mate.

The weight of Wilson^s waggery fell upon honest Hum-
phry and his spouse, who were bedded in an upper room,
with the usual ceremony of throwing the stocking. This be-
ing performed, and the company withdrawn, a sort of catter-
wauling ensued, when Jack found means to introduce a real
cat shod with walnut-shells, which, galloping along the
boards, made such a dreadful noise as effectually discom-
posed our lovers. Winifred screamed aloud, and shrunk un-
der the bedclothes — Mr. Lloyd, beUeving that Satan was
come to buffet him in propria persona, laid aside all carnal
thoughts, and began to pray aloud with great fervency. At
length, the poor animal, being more afraid than either,
leaped into the bed, and mewled with the most piteous ex-
clamation. Lloyd, thus informed of the nature of the annoy-
ance, rose and set the door wide open, so that this trouble-
some visitant retreated with great expedition ; then securing
himself, by means of a double bolt; from a second intrusion,
he was left to enjoy his good fortune without disturbance.

If one may judge from the looks of the parties, they are all
very well satisfied with what has passed. George Dennison
and his wife are too delicate to exhibit any strong-marked
signs of their mutual satisfaction, but their eyes are sufficiently
expressive. Mrs. Tabitha Lismahago is rather fulsome in
signifying her approbation of the captain's love ; while his de-
portment is the very pink of gallantry. He sighs, and ogles,
and languishes at this amiable object; he kisses her hand,
mutters ejaculations of rapture, and sings tender airs; and, no
doubt, laughs internally at her folly in believing him sincere.
In order to show how little his vigour was impaired by the

368

HUMPHRY CLINKER

fatigues of the preceding day, he this morning danced a High-
land saraband over a naked back-sword, and leaped so high,
that I believe he would make no contemptible figure as a
vaulter at Sadler's Wells. Mr. Matthew Lloyd, when asked
how he relishes his bargain, throws up his eyes, crying, " For
what we have received, Lord make us thankful : Amen." His
helpmate giggles, and holds her hand before her eyes, affect-
ing to be ashamed of having been in bed with a man. Thus
all these widgeons enjoy the novelty of their situation; but
perhaps their note will be changed, when they are better ac-
quainted with the nature of the decoy.

As Mrs. Willis cannot be persuaded to stay, and Liddy is
engaged by promise to accompany her daughter back to
Gloucester, I fancy there will be a general migration from
hence, and that most of us will spend the Christmas holidays
at Bath ; in which case, I shall certainly find an opportunity to
beat up your quarters. By this time, I suppose, you are sick of
alma mater, and even ready to execute that scheme of
peregrination which was last year concerted between you and

Your affectionate

November 8. * J. Melford.

To Dr. Lewis.

Dear Doctor, — My niece Liddy is now happily settled for
life ; and Captain Lismahago has taken Tabby off my hands ;
so that I have nothing farther to do but to comfort my friend
Baynard, and provide for my son Lloyd, who is also fairly
joined to Mrs. Winifred Jenkins. You are an excellent genius
at hints. Dr. Arbuthnot was but a type of Dr. Lewis in that
respect. What you observe of the vestry-clerk deserves con-
sideration. I make no doubt but Matthew Lloyd is well
enough qualified for the office ; but, at present, you must find
room for him in the house. His incorruptible honesty and in-
defatigable care will be serviceable in superintending the econ-
Oi-ny of my farm, though I don't mean that he shall interfere
with Barnes, of whom I have no cause to complain. I am
just returned with Baynard from a second trip to his house,
where everything is regulated to his satisfaction. He could

" 369

THE EXPEDITION OF

not, however, review the apartments without tears and lamen-
tations, so that he is not yet in a condition to be left alone;
therefore, I will not part with him till the spring, when he
intends to plunge into the avocations of husbandry, which will
at once employ and amuse his attention. Qiarles Dennison
has promised to stay with him a fortnight, to set him fairly
afloat in his improvements; and Jack Wilson will see him
from time to time ; besides, he has a few friends in the country,
whom his new plan of life will not exclude from his society.
In less than a year, I make no doubt but he will find himself
perfectly at ease, both in his mind and body, for the one had
dangerously affected the other ; and I shall enjoy the exquisite
pleasure of seeing my friend rescued from misery and con-
tempt.

Mrs. Willis being determined to return with her daughter,
in a few days, to Gloucester, our plan has undergone some
alteration. Jerry has persuaded his brother-in-law to carry
his wife to Bath; and I believe his parents will accompany
him thither. For my part, I have no intention to take that
route; it must be something very extraordinary that will in-
duce me either to revisit Bath or London. My sister and her
husband, Baynard and I, will take leave of them at Gloucester,
and make the best of our way to Brambleton Hall, where I
desire you will prepare a good chine and turkey for our Christ-
mas dinner. You must also employ your medical skill in de-
fending me from the attacks of the gout, that I may be in
good case to receive the rest of our company, who promise to
visit us in their return from Bath. As I have laid in a con-
siderable stock of health, it is to be hoped you will not have
much trouble with me in the way of physic, but I intend to
work you on the side of exercise. I have got an excellent
fowling-piece from Mr. Lismahago, who is a keen sportsman,
and we shall take the heath in all weathers. That this scheme
of life may be prosecuted the more effectually, I intend to re-
nounce all sedentary amusements, particularly that of writing
long letters ; a resolution which, had I taken it sooner, might
have saved you the trouble which you have lately taken in
reading the tedious epistles of Matt. Bramble.

November 14.

370

HUMPHRY CLINKER

To Mrs. Gwyllim^ at Bramhleton Hall.

Good Mrs. Gwyllim, — Heaven, for wise purposes hath or-
dained that I should change my name and citation in Hfe, so
that 1 am not to be considered any more as manger of my
brother's family. But as I cannot surrender up my steward-
ship till I have settled with you and Williams, 1 desire you
will get your accunts ready for inspection, as we are coming
home without further delay. My spouse, the captain, being
subject to rummatticks, I beg you will take great care to have
the bloo chamber, up tv/o pair of stairs, well warmed for his
reception. Let the sashes be secured, the crevices stopt, the
carpets laid, and the beds well tousled. Mrs. Lloyd, late
Jenkins, being married to a relation of the farqily, cannot re-
main in the capacity of a sarvant ; therefore, I wish you would
cast about for some creditable body to be with me in her room.
If she can spin, and is mistress of plain work, so much the
better ; but she must not expect extravagant wages ; having
a family of my own, I must be more oecumenical than ever.
No more at present, but rests Your loving friend,

November 20. Tab. Lismahago.

To Mrs. Mary Jones^ at Bramhleton Hall.

Mrs. Jones^ — Providinch hath bin pleased to make great
halteration in the pasture of our affairs. We were yesterday
three kiple chined by the grease of God, in the holy bands of
mattermoney ; and I now subscrive myself Loyd at your sarv-
ice. All the parish allowed that young squire Dallison and
his bride was a comely pear for to see. As for Madam Lash-
miheygo, you nose her picklearities — her head, to be sure,
was fintastical ; and her spouse had rapt her with a long
marokin furze clock from the land of the selvedges, thof they
say it is of immense vally. The captain himself had a hudge
hassock of air, with three tails, and a tumtawdry coat, bod-
dered with sulfur. Wan said he was a monkeybank ; and the
ould botler swore he was bom imich of Titidall. For my part,
T says nothing, being as how the captain has done the hand-
some thing by me. Mr. Loyd was dressed in a little frog and
checket with gould binding ; and thof he don't enter in capar-
ison with great folks of quality, yet he has got as good blood

371

THE EXPEDITION OF HUMPHRY CLINKER

in his veins as arrow private squire in the county; and then
his pursing is far from contentible. Your humble sarvant had
on a plain pea-green tabby sack, with my Runnela cap, rufiE
toupee, and side curls. They said, I was the very moral of
Lady Rickmanstone, but not so pale — that may well be, for her
ladyship is my elder by seven good years and more.

Now, Mrs. Mary, our satiety is to suppurate. Mr. Millfart
goes to Bath along with the Dallisons, and the rest of us push
home to Wales to pass our Christmash at Brambleton Hall.
As our appartments is to be the yallow pepper, in the thurd
story, pray carry my things thither. Present my compliments
to Mrs. Gwillim, and I hope she and I will live upon dissent
terms of civility. Being, by God's blessing, removed to a
higher spear, you'll excuse my being familiar with the lower
sarvants of the family ; but as I trust you'll behave respectful,
and keep a proper distance, you may always depend upon the
good-will and purtection of Yours, W. Loyd.

November 20.'

372

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1904

SigSam

Smollett, Tobias

The expedition of Humphrey
Glmker '^

5AGMUND SAMUEL JLlBJL^m

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